OMG. So...now you're basically paying a john to get your wife turned on so you can have sex with her. And the collateral you're paying with is your wife's emotions.
So you are ok that your wife has zero desire for you.
Won't kiss you
Can only have decent sex with you while pretending you are Larry
ok - to each their own
IF MY WIFE LOST HER DESIRE FOR ME. Oh wait a second she did at one point about 4-5 years ago. Oh yeah, now I remember I worked on it until I understood the problem - which actually was me - and then I fixed it. And after that she wanted me.
Even when she had lost her desire - we still had sex once every 5 days or so - more then she wanted and less then I wanted. And it WAS painful. I knew she was not so into it - and she knew she wasn't being a very loving wife. But I forced the issue and eventually figured out what was broken. No way would I tolerate once a month sex while she stared at the ceiling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by russ101
My wife didn't walk with him last night. She went to bed early. I took the opportunity to talk to Larry about what is happening with my wife. I saw him getting ready to go for his walk and I walked across the street to talk to him. I told him that I know that he kissed my wife (he swears he did not do anything and that my wife was the one who kissed him, and that he did not kiss her back and that was the end of it. He insists that they are just friends and that I have to stop pestering my wife about it. He then reminded me that I was the one who asked him to walk with her in the first place. I said Yes walk with her, not kiss her. I know what he is saying is false (because of my wife's phone calls to her sister). I said you better never try anything with my wife. He just stated again that they are just friends and I need to lighten up, or I'll drive my wife away from me. He tried to act like my friend. I know that he is lying so he is not my friend. I know I'm going to hear about this from my wife when I get home from work today, but I needed to do this since they both have Wed. off while I am at work. Not looking forward to the confrontation when I get home. I know that I am probably receiving all of my affection from my wife (sex and other) because of Larry, but I guess I can live with the walks as long as I monitor them, and I am reasonably confident nothing else is happening, because before she was walking with Larry, I was lucky to get sex once a month, at even then, it was bad (she just laid there for 5 minutes, that was all I was allowed, then she would say hurry up and be done already), now I am getting it several times a week, and it is great (although she still won't kiss me, hasn't in 5 years). Even if it is due to Larry, at least I am the one getting it. I'll let you all know what happens tonight when I get home and will probably get confronted by my wife on why I won't let this issue die.
...My wife didn't walk with him last night. She went to bed early....etc...
Russ.....please consider what you are doing.
First: You admit you know Quagmire is lying. On top of that, he gave you a direct promise that he intends to steal your wife:
Quote:
He just stated again that they are just friends and I need to lighten up, or I'll drive my wife away from me.
Think about that statement. Think about it again. Your wife is confiding things in him that he has NO business knowing.
On top of that - he told YOU to back off! Quagmire, the neighborhood lech, told YOU to back off. Does this not raise ANY kind of red flag? This is a veiled promise that your wife and he have something YOU do not.
Tell him that you have changed your mind - you would rather he leave your wife alone altogether. Tell him you would rather keep your wife from making a mistake that she might regret later. Quagmire is interested in conquest only: once he has her, he will move on to the next object of gratification. Your wife will lose both you and him. She will suffer needlessly.
Fight FOR your marriage.
Think back to when you first married. How was sex then? You can get that back - but you need to work for it. Without knowing your history, I am assuming that you have done things over the course of your marriage that have dampened, if not entirely extinguished the flames of your wife's passion for you.
That fire can be rebuilt
But let me posit something for you to consider: you are getting sex now, and this is so because your wife gets hot for Quagmire, and comes home hormonally charged and needs release. But you say she has no passion for you.
Want to bet the fact that you are willing to sleep with someone that really does not desire you is a HUGE factor in her distaste for you? Reverse the situation: how would you feel if your wife would sleep with ANYTHING regardless of how it felt for her. How desirable is that?
Try this: avoid the temptation for a night or two. Normally this is against marriage principle: your body belongs to your wife, and vice versa: but you are NOT the cast off, the replacement for the real desire. You are to BE her desire.
This probably seems absolutely impossible: but consider what this could do for your marriage: it is possible to build some respect for you again. She seems to be reticent to have sex with Quagmire, but you have to be careful in how you approach this situation.
Tell her you're so hot for her - but you need her to romance you, to want you for who you are. Let her chase you. Let her win you. You might be pleasantly surprised that she might actually begin to want you again.
But there are bigger fish to fry: my suggestion is to ask your wife what things you do that are the biggest bothers to her. Of course, the Quagmire thing will come up - but dig for others. What, in the past, have you done that has turned her off.
Take this quiz - it might help you get a grip on what you need to do to start those fires again:
Keep on doing what you are doing: but for Pete's sake, quit selling yourself out for sex. I hate to point this out, but sex is 1) not absolutely necessary, and 2) you have mother thumb and her 4 daughters if you just can't take it any more.
Well before I even was able to talk to my wife on Wed and right after I posted yesterday's blog, I got a call from my friend who had taken the day off (at my expense) and was following my wife. She went out to lunch again with Larry! She was dressed up like she was going to a wedding, her sexy black dress that she only wears on special occasions. My friend called me at work and said they were at lunch for 3 hours! Then they went back to my house, alone, something she swore she would never do! We'll I pretended to be getting sick and left work early to come home. Talked again with my friend (who said they were both still in my house). I entered the house from the back door quietly and what I saw confirmed all of my (and all of your) suspicions. Larry and my wife were making out on the couch. Larry had his hand up my wife's skirt and was playing with her. My wife had her hands on Larry's crotch, rubbing him. I watched for about a minute (I was devestated, but also turned on and didn't want them to know I was there). Then my wife looked up and said Oh my God! I could tell she was drunk by her red eyes. I said Just friends huh? My wife had to get between me and Larry. I wanted to kill him! He is 6 inches taller than me, and he was hiding behind my wife telling me to calm down! I just said get out of my house. If I ever see you with my wife again, you won't live to regret it! This was not my personality, I don't know how I was saying all of it. He left and my wife started crying saying, I swear I never slept with him, I was just drunk and I don't know how it happened. (I checked the tapes after finished talking to my wife and she had asked him to come in and help her with a problem on the computer. After he fixed it, my wife got on the computer and while she was looking something up, he started to massage her, after a few minutes he moved his hand down to her breast and started caressing it. She did tell him to stop, and put up a little resistance, but quickly caved in, and they moved to the couch. I walked in about 5 minutes later. If I hadn't walked in when I did, I'm sure they would have moved to the bedroom within minutes.). I told my wife I didn't want to see her right now, and I'm not sure when I'll be able to look at her. I don't want to lose my family, but I don't know how I can stay with my wife after all of her lies. I know you all were right, and I probably knew it all along, but just didn't want to deal with it. Please don't say I told you so. It is now Thursday, I haven't talked to her since last night (she stayed in the bedroom all night crying). I busied myself taking care of the kids, and left for work today before she got up. I'm going to see her tonight, and I still don't want to see her. I'm not sure of my next move other than to say we either go to counseling and you cut all contact with Larry, or it is over. Other than that, I'm probably not going to talk to her. I probably deserved this somehow, but don't know how I am going to cope.
Russ, I am so sorry. So sorry. I've been in the same shoes, I can empathize, I can even say I know exactly how you feel.
Right now, the best advice I can give is to S.L.O.W. D.O.W.N. Nothing needs to happen in an instant. Take time to work through your pain, take time to just feel sad and angry. That's perfectly O.K. and normal.
What you DON'T want to do right now is act on any instincts you have. You are getting on the roller coaster.
Before you act, consider every step you are about to take. Think through the possible consequences and come HERE to discuss them before you move on.
Before you even move to expose this affair, talk to your wife. Ask her to stop, completely, and to refuse to have ANY more contact with Quagmire. If she agrees to this, you can then set up a means of transparency between you too.
All of these steps take some explaining - which is why it is so important to seek advice from your wise friends.
It is absolutely possible to save your marriage and make it better than it ever was. Just take your time to do it rationally, intelligently, and wisely, in love and strength. Yes, this is the time to be strong.
And for all best results - stay away from booze, drugs, etc - they may seem the best solution, but in the end, they only damage your chances, and slow down any recovery.
NOW will you get his family's information and call them all and tell them what he did?
Im sorry, but I don't agree with the marriage builders approach on this. This man is his neighbor, and this is only going to make extra problems where there are already plenty. He had no committment to that man, his problem should be with what his wife has done, not the other man.
Russ,
First, you have to understand that no one deserves to be cheated on. You deserve to have a devoted wife!
My advice would be for you to decide if you want to forgive her for her actions or not. You then need to work out exactly what you need to have happen to build trust back with your wife. This should also include a sex life that you have been missing out on as well. You should also seek a counselor ASAP. I can understand you are going through a ton of emotions that you should really have someone help you understand. Best of luck!
No russ, you don't deserve this and I am so sorry. I know how much this hurts.
I have a few thoughts for you. First, don't make any decisions now, in the heat of passion. Right this minute you probably feel like killing someone or dying, and those are your emotions going haywire. Right now it is going to hurt like the ****ens, so wait until some of the most excruciating pain has passed and then make decisions slowly and wisely.
Next, for practical advice--buy some kleenex with lotion and some soup. Right now you and your wife both are going to be doing a lot of crying, and if you have normal kleenex they chafe your eyes and nose and the salt from the tears will swell your eyes shut. And soup--if you're doing a lot of crying there will be a knot in your throat and you need to eat "something" just for some nourishment. Soup is warm, it feels good (like comfort food) and you can choke it down.
Finally I would say that it's okay and even reasonable if your wife sleeps in the guest bedroom for a while and let a little time go by. While she is sad and probably somewhat ashamed of her behavior in her own home, you may want to talk to her and ask if she's willing to end all contact with Larry FOREVER, and never speak to him again. She may say she's willing but doesn't know how to do it, and that's actually and okay place to be. From that point, we can help you get over the hurt of what you saw, help you get her through the withdrawal from the affair, and then help the both of you regain the love and trust in your marriage.
Again, I'm so sorry but we are here and you can do this!
__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
Nancie, the purpose of telling the OM's family is so that THEY give him h&ll for doing this - to make it more likely that he will leave russ' wife alone. Most men who target married women are just in it for the sex. If russ makes it a big enough hassle, he'll walk away.
What problems should russ be worrying about causing? If anything, this guy should pack up and move for what he's done. If you're talking about neighbors, well, they NEED to know what he's doing, so he won't do it to someone else's wife! He just lost his right for nice treatment.
Turn - I kind of agree with Nancie - although I disagree that this is a 'marriage builders' approach. The marriage builder's approach would be to expose the affair to those who have positive influence on the wandering spouse.
I'm of the opinion that Quagmire's family is most likely uninterested in what happens - he is a known philanderer - they are probably aware of it, and may even think its funny.
If anything, simply tell the rest of the neighborhood what he did to her. Make it uncomfortable for him to remain in that neighborhood. That's what community is for.
If any exposure is to be done, it should be to her family, her church, etc - but I don't think this is the time for that either. My gut instinct tells me that Russ' wife is in a place where shame, humiliation and guilt are already the strongest influences. This is the time to try to start work together.
Exposure normally works better as a means of revealing the affair - not broadcasting its already known existence. It should never be used as punishment, nor possible extortion.
She is in a place to start work. Since I am always on the side of the marriage, my argument is that Russ find a way to recreate his marriage. Although divorce is always an option, it is highly destructive, it damages everyone involved, and rarely is a good solution.
It's time to build that marriage - the wrong has been rooted out and revealed. Time to start the healing.
If anything, simply tell the rest of the neighborhood what he did to her. Make it uncomfortable for him to remain in that neighborhood. That's what community is for.
I'm good with that.
I guess we really need to hear what's going on. If she's 'over' it all now, and humble, and wanting to fix her marriage, they can just move forward. If she's 'in love' and has decided to take the affair underground, then exposure is necessary, because the affair isn't over, just discovered.
IMO, there are two kinds of guys who have affairs - those who accidentally fall in love with a woman, and those who see vulnerable women and target them so they can have free sex and have the thrill of the hunt.
I guess time will tell which kind he is. If he's the former, he'll hang on and try to keep it going; if he's the latter, they'll never see him again.
You have a good point there. Right now it's hard to tell where russ' wife is because he hasn't spoken to her! Thus you may be right, it's conceivable the affair isn't over, just discovered.
Soooo...NOTE TO RUSS: here's how you can tell where she's at. If she says "Yes, it's over I agree to end it forever" don't ENTIRELY believe it all.
1) If she willingly and with what appears to be repentance turns over all passwords, cell phones, etc. and agrees to let you (russ) do what you request to check up on her...then chances are that she may mean it.
2) If she appears to be somewhat arrogant or defiant and is not willing to turn over all passwords, cell phones, etc. or to let you (russ) do what you request to check up on her...then chances are good that she is taking the affair underground and she probably doesn't mean it.
__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
Re: Need advice soon!!
