Thanks for all of your replies. Good advice for most of them. I did talk briefly with my wife yesterday after work. She admitted to me that she is attracted to him intellectually, and therefor, she is also attracted to him physically. She said she never meant to act on her attraction, it just happened. I said you should have never been alone with him if you were attracted to him. The temptation would be too great. She said it has nothing to do with her relationship with me (which we both agreed needs alot of work). I said the only way I will stay with you is if you cease to contact Larry in any way (talking, phoning walking etc.,). She agreed with one condition. She said she does not want any of our friends to know what has happened. She said she would die of embarrassment and it would cause too much friction with all the neighbors. I did not give her an answer to this (I said you will have to let me think about it over the weekend. The only thing I will promise you is that I won't say anything over the weekend). I am going up north with a couple of buddies this weekend and my wife will be home with the kids. This trip was planned many months ago. I told her that in order for me to trust her over the weekend she cannot go anywhere without one of our kids with her. She agreed. I am also going to keep the recording device on the phone while I am gone. We talked about many of the reasons why we have been drifting apart. She is unhappy in our small home and wants to move to a better one, she wants me to make more than the $50,000 I make a year, she doesn't want to work (and she doesn't want to do much housework either, one of the areas we always fight about), and she basically wants a much higher standard of living than we have. She also doesn't want me to work as many hours as I usually do. I said we can discuss all of this at our first counseling session as I also have issues I would like to discuss with you. She agreed. I also during the conversation admitted to her finally that even though I was mad as h#ll at her for doing what she has, I was also turned on by the sight of it. She asked me why on earth would that excite you? I could not give her an answer. Maybe I should have kept that to myself. Anyways, I am going up north and won't replyto any of this till Monday. I really just want to get away for a couple of days. Thanks for all of your help, and for not saying I told you so. Keep the advice coming.
Russ - I hope you don't mind if I question the wisdom of you going away this weekend. The most important issue in your life right now should be saving your marriage, not camping trips with your buddies.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but there are some things to consider: what if your wife, or one of your kids, had to be suddenly hospitalized this weekend: would the excursion with your buddies still take place? Is not your marriage this important?
It may be that one of the troubles you are BOTH having is a lack of complete commitment to your marriage. Your wife certainly evidenced that - but now, in the middle of a huge crisis, you seem to be placing priority on your buddies! If they are true friends, they will understand a cancellation.
The trouble is this: your wife is extremely vulnerable to temptation right now: an affair is like a drug addiction. You are leaving her at home, alone, with all the drugs lying on the counter, and just the promise of the addict that she won't touch them. Bad idea.
No, you can't truly change your wife's action: if she wants to continue the affair, she can make that choice. But the messages you are giving her RIGHT NOW are extremely important.
As for counseling - that can be a good idea, although it's often difficult to find a pro-marriage counselor these days. In the meantime: take these quizzes with your wife - they will give you both plenty of topics to discuss and a good safe platform in which to discuss them:
Right now, you have an excellent opportunity to save your marriage, and to make it better and stronger than before. But you both have a lot of work to do.
I said the only way I will stay with you is if you cease to contact Larry in any way (talking, phoning walking etc.,). She agreed with one condition. She said she does not want any of our friends to know what has happened. She said she would die of embarrassment and it would cause too much friction with all the neighbors.
She is not in a position to make 'conditional' statements regarding Quagmire. Either she cuts off all contact, or you consider the affair still alive. Any condition she may make means that she is still hanging on to an alternative actions. So her condition is that if you mention the affair to a neighbor, she will go back to Quagmire? Preposterous! A lot of gall, too.
No, you don't have to run about the neighborhood yakking about your wife's indiscretion. This is not particularly a loving thing to do, and its a priority to treat your wife with love. This doesn't mean you can't talk about Quagmire trying to bed your wife. He needs to leave the neighborhood.
No conditions!
Read the article 'The Purpose Of No Contact' on this page: Articles
#1--This is NOT the time to be leaving her alone! I don't care if this is a once-in-a-lifetime trip...demonstrate that she (and your marriage) means more to you than some fun with "buddies" and tell them a personal emergency has arisen at home that you need to stay and deal with. Feel bad about missing it? Sure! But this is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!
Speaking as someone who was in her shoes, a disloyal spouse needs to spend as much time as possible with the loyal spouse. I would encourage you to ask for vacation time and take her away somewhere just the two of you. Do things that are fun but not "relationship" or necessarily sexy--like go bowling or to a concert. Help her remember that you are a fun person to be with.
#2--Her "conditions" are ridiculous. Don't tell the neighbors... I would see if she contacts him again. If she does all bets are off. If not it would be a nice thing to not embarrass her more than she is but is sure isn't a requirement! And let me see "earn more money but work fewer hours and I don't have to do any work..." What planet is she living on? That isn't even realistic.
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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
Not buying the belief that now is the time to demonstrate yourcommitment. All you are doing is giving her enough rope to hang herself if she chooses to. Her list of 'wants' is nothing short of asinine under the circumstances. Classic ... she wants you to make more money, buy a bigger house, but not work so much. Sadly, I know this story because I lived it too. So if you want her to not f*ck someone else, you better get that resume out there ... give me a break.
I really still don't have a solid idea of where you stand. Telling your wife that you were turned on just makes it all the more bizarre. Obviously she thinks so too.
Dude, I read through most of this thread and wow. You are one crazy guy.
I don't mean to be offensive but you are an idiot. You knew way before you caught them in the act that there were things going on. I know it's harsh but you should have listened to everyone here that told you to put your foot down and man up. Now after you catch her you're about to leave for a guys weekend? I know it sounds harsh but if you go that makes you an idiot! Leave her alone?? My god.
And even if there was some part of you that was aroused by seeing her with him you should not have said a damn word. You just basically told her that you really didn't mind so much, in fact you kind of enjoy other guys making out with your wife!!
I'm really sorry this happened to you but man, you've made and are continuing to make a lot of bad choices. For your sake and your marriage's sake I hope you change your tune.
She wants you to make $50k more a year and have a higher standard of living in order to be happy? first off, in case she's living in an effing cave and hasn't noticed, this is one of the worst economies in many decades. So that's easier said then done. Second, material things aren't going to make her happy. Unless you're living like poor folk right now my guess is the more money you might earn, the more she'll want. Second, if she really loves you and wants to be with you that shouldn't matter. As long as you are providing a decent income, giving the family a roof over their heads, food on the table, etc. that should be more then good enough. That is so not what marriage is about.
It would be really good if you were involved in a church and could talk to a pastor with her. It's way past time for a therapist, she should be in there pronto with you.
You need to put your foot down about a few other things. Explain that you're going to have open access to all her e-mail accounts, facebook, myspace, etc, her cell phone and text message records, call history, etc. You explain in very clear terms that it's going to take a long time for her to win your trust back (oh wait, you just left for the weekend after you caught her almost having sex with a guy so she's probably not taking you seriously anyway...) But maybe if you take a stand and let her know that this is what's required and that you won't trust her blindly, not for a while and she's going to have to work at it.
Thanks for all of your replies (even the harsh ones!). I didn't read all of these until today (Mon) so I guess its a mute point. I did go on the weekend. The last thing I wanted to do was see her, so the vacation sort of worked out well. I needed some time away. My wife could not go anywhere without the kids, nor could she have any contact with Larry. She did not contact him at all over the weekend (I know this by checking her cell phone, listening to our phone recordings that she does not know about, and the fact that the kids were not ever left alone). In fact, she called me about 8 times over the weekend to see how I was doing. I was very short with her (because of my anger) and basically just answered her questions. When I came home we made our first appointment with a marriage counsler which we will go to Tuesday evening. She said she does want to make the marriage work and agreed to let me check her phone anytime I wanted (I can do that anyway because I pay the bill on it). I am also allowed to look at her computer anytime I wish. I did agree not to talk about this with the neighbors for the time being (I don't see how it would help our marriage) but only if she does not have any type of contact with Larry, if she does, all bets are off. I left a note in Larry's mailbox telling him that my wife does not want any type of contact with him and to not try and contact her. I told my wife about it, and she was upset that I did this, but understood why. For the time being (don't know for how long) I told her other than work, she cannot go anywhere without one of the kids. She said she would agree to it for now, but eventually this would have to change. We have many issues to both work on. I know it won't be easy, and I'm not sure it will even work out. My wife is unhappy with her life. She basically does not want to work, or do much housework, she just wants to be a mom. We do live in a small house, but in a nice neighborhood. She has a 5 year old Focus, and I do about 90% of the household work, even though I pay for 95% of the bills. She does buy the kids clothes, I don't do that. She also pays for times when she gets her nails done, etc. She believes it is my place to pay the bills in our household, and whatever money she makes is up to her to decide on how to spend it. This is our main area of disagreement. I think that we do not live in the 1950's any longer and it should be a joint venture when it comes to paying the bills, and doing the housework. As a side note I also agree that I should not have told my wife the fact that it aroused my seeing her kiss Larry. It has always been a fantasy of mine to see her with another man, so I guess I sort of got my wish (although not the way I wanted it to happen at all)_. I regret telling her that one. Anyways, we have joint counseling tomorrow. Should be interesting. Larry has been scarce this weekend and from what I understand, no one has even seen his car in the driveway. I'll fill you all in tomorrow on what happens. Thanks again for all the advice.
Very simple, very easy to use, and very insightful. Even if YOU don't want to take them - show them to your wife...she will appreciate them.
Much of what your wife is saying right now is what is known as 'fog' talk - it will clear up as time gets between her and the affair. So I would not take a lot of it with absolute certainty - it will be modified over time.
Better to work on your part in the marriage right now - treat her with love and respect.
That is, if you are serious about saving your marriage.
You sound a lot like me four months ago -- before I knew what actually happened. From everything you have described things have already gone way beyond what you are willing to believe. I was in denial that any thing realy bad was possible, that it was all just "friend" stuff. Because I didn't want to believe... But my gut was telling me something else -- so at a risk of seeming paranoid I dug deeper and found the mother load. I am sorry to say this - but you need to look very carefully. Best of luck.
- She thinks that your money is family money and her money is purely for her.
- And she shouldn't have to work at all, and when she does quit her job, you STILL NEED to do the housework for her
- And you MUST make lots and lots more money so you can pay for the greatly improved lifestyle she expects but has zero desire to help you fund.
- Including you should have a bigger house and
- On top of this she is not sexually attracted to you, which is why she was so fascinated by Larry
- And she was basically bullying you into letting her cheat on you with a neighbor in a very blatant way
She seems to have a giant princess complex, where did it come from?
Quote:
Originally Posted by russ101
Thanks for all of your replies (even the harsh ones!). I didn't read all of these until today (Mon) so I guess its a mute point. I did go on the weekend. The last thing I wanted to do was see her, so the vacation sort of worked out well. I needed some time away. My wife could not go anywhere without the kids, nor could she have any contact with Larry. She did not contact him at all over the weekend (I know this by checking her cell phone, listening to our phone recordings that she does not know about, and the fact that the kids were not ever left alone). In fact, she called me about 8 times over the weekend to see how I was doing. I was very short with her (because of my anger) and basically just answered her questions. When I came home we made our first appointment with a marriage counsler which we will go to Tuesday evening. She said she does want to make the marriage work and agreed to let me check her phone anytime I wanted (I can do that anyway because I pay the bill on it). I am also allowed to look at her computer anytime I wish. I did agree not to talk about this with the neighbors for the time being (I don't see how it would help our marriage) but only if she does not have any type of contact with Larry, if she does, all bets are off. I left a note in Larry's mailbox telling him that my wife does not want any type of contact with him and to not try and contact her. I told my wife about it, and she was upset that I did this, but understood why. For the time being (don't know for how long) I told her other than work, she cannot go anywhere without one of the kids. She said she would agree to it for now, but eventually this would have to change. We have many issues to both work on. I know it won't be easy, and I'm not sure it will even work out. My wife is unhappy with her life. She basically does not want to work, or do much housework, she just wants to be a mom. We do live in a small house, but in a nice neighborhood. She has a 5 year old Focus, and I do about 90% of the household work, even though I pay for 95% of the bills. She does buy the kids clothes, I don't do that. She also pays for times when she gets her nails done, etc. She believes it is my place to pay the bills in our household, and whatever money she makes is up to her to decide on how to spend it. This is our main area of disagreement. I think that we do not live in the 1950's any longer and it should be a joint venture when it comes to paying the bills, and doing the housework. As a side note I also agree that I should not have told my wife the fact that it aroused my seeing her kiss Larry. It has always been a fantasy of mine to see her with another man, so I guess I sort of got my wish (although not the way I wanted it to happen at all)_. I regret telling her that one. Anyways, we have joint counseling tomorrow. Should be interesting. Larry has been scarce this weekend and from what I understand, no one has even seen his car in the driveway. I'll fill you all in tomorrow on what happens. Thanks again for all the advice.
We went to counseling on Tue. She basically told the counseler that she is not sure if we should be together. She said I promised her a much better lifestyle by now when we got married. She said she needs to figure out what she wants and in the meantime she has decided to sleep in our guest bedroom. She told the counseler that what she did with Larry was a mistake and that she and I were drifting apart for years and he was just something that happened because he gave her something emotional that I don't give her. She spent most of the hour just basically bashing me. I gave the counsler a list of all the things I do in the relationship and all that she does (my list was about 95% of all bills and 95% of all housework). He said before we can work on the list we need to take care of us. My wife said right now she is not sure if she even wants to try. The fact that she has now moved into a seperate bedroom is to me, the first step in divorce. I am going to prepare as if we are heading towards divorce. I want to be as financially ready (without breaking the law) as I can be. I am depressed, it doesn't look good. Our next meeting is next Tuesday. She still insists that she is not even talking to Larry, and as near as I can tell (I am still keeping tabs on her) she is being honest with me.
Russ,
My first dating filter was obviously looks. But my second was always money. My wife had modest financial expectations and is not a lazy person herself. I have exceeded her financial expectations which has made money a non issue for us. And that has meant we could focus on all the real stuff.
The fact your wife was only having sex with you once a month, and her total focus on being a princess - you will never make her happy and so she will never try to make YOU happy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by russ101
We went to counseling on Tue. She basically told the counseler that she is not sure if we should be together. She said I promised her a much better lifestyle by now when we got married. She said she needs to figure out what she wants and in the meantime she has decided to sleep in our guest bedroom. She told the counseler that what she did with Larry was a mistake and that she and I were drifting apart for years and he was just something that happened because he gave her something emotional that I don't give her. She spent most of the hour just basically bashing me. I gave the counsler a list of all the things I do in the relationship and all that she does (my list was about 95% of all bills and 95% of all housework). He said before we can work on the list we need to take care of us. My wife said right now she is not sure if she even wants to try. The fact that she has now moved into a seperate bedroom is to me, the first step in divorce. I am going to prepare as if we are heading towards divorce. I want to be as financially ready (without breaking the law) as I can be. I am depressed, it doesn't look good. Our next meeting is next Tuesday. She still insists that she is not even talking to Larry, and as near as I can tell (I am still keeping tabs on her) she is being honest with me.
Re: Need advice soon!!
What planet is she living on? That isn't even realistic.
