I put this post on the general relationship topic, but maybe I should have put it here. It is a long blog, and I'm not going to repeat it (you can read it under confused what should I do). But basically my very conservative wife started walking (at night) with a divorced man who lives down the street about 5 months ago. I discovered (by accident) that she is starting to develop feelings for him and that they have kissed recently (although she pulled away after about 15 seconds and told him she was married and she couldn't do that). The night that she kissed him we had amazing sex (our sex life had dropped off significantly in the last few years), and she has been very cuddly lately as well (hasn't been in years). Part of me wants to confront her and then part of me is glad that she has been acting so much better towards me lately, and I am also suprisingly, turned on by the thought of her and him kissing (don't know why). She is acting like nothing has happened, and is planning on walking with him again tonight. I am frozen as to what move I should make next. I love my wife, and don't want to ever leave me, but since the kiss she has been a different person towards me. What should I do?
Hi if it was my wife I would confront her about it and get it all out keeping it in wil make it worse..as far as her walking again with him i would have to say no to that..
Are you nuts? She cannot continue "walking" with this so-called gentleman.
You would be a fool to allow this to continue. And an even bigger fool to not air this with her because you have been deprived of affection in the past.
The problem with confronting her is that originally I found out by accident (picked up the phone when she did, she didn't know I was listening. This is when he hugged her: something she could easily explain). I then began to record our phone calls. This is where I found out she and he kissed. She would go nuts and accuse me of spying on her and would make matters worse. I also don't want to lose the way she has been treating me lately. Half of me just hopes that she doesn't go any farther (she has stated to her sister that she doesn't plan to) and I don't have to confront her, the other half says you're playing with fire. They are supposed to walk tonight (two nights after they kissed) for the first time. I am panicked and excited at the same time. I can't for the life of me know why.
The problem with confronting her is that originally I found out by accident bla bla bla
Who cares how you found out? SHE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER MAN!
You don't "confront" her with anything. This is what you say:
"I know." Then let HER talk. When she is done, you say "It ends. You are never to see him again. You are never to walk with him again. You are never to talk with him again. Understood?"
I have a question why don't you walk with her? This would take the other man out of the pic. You need to get her away from him if you don't want to loss her or her little EA turns into a PA. If she loves you she will continue making you feel good to. The closer to him she gets the worse she will treat u in the long run.
We had talked about walking together, but because of the kids and no one to really be able to watch them on a regular basis, we decided to walk seperately. She started walking with the new neighbor at my request (believe it or not) because he always walked his dog at the same time she was walking, and he seemed like a real nice guy (met him a few times just small talk though) and since my wife doesn't like to walk in the dark alone, it seemed like a logical step. Because of our different schedules we can't walk at any other time either. Before her kiss with this man, we were growing apart, but since it, she has been treating me alot better. Can't figure out why. I'm probably going to let her walk with him tonight and act like nothing has happened and hope she keeps to her work (to her sister) of never doing that again. She has never cheated in her life and says that people that to are very low.
What do you want to have happen? Seriously, if you can't answer this question, I don't know that anyone can help you.
So, here is what you know. Your wife is human. Don't care if she sings in the church choir and runs bible study - she is fallible.
You also know that she isn't happy about your marriage. She wants more. She wants better. So should you.
She has someone that makes her feel that 'more' is possible. He shows interest. He engages her. He wants to know what she thinks and how she feels. She feels connected to this guy. That is how she is supposed to feel about you.
I am making some assumptions based upon your posting style and how you have expressed yourself. You sound passive. You sound like the last thing you want to do is confront her. I don't expect that you will confront him - simply making him aware that you know would likely put an end to it. You don't sound like you want to take responsibility for the decline in your marriage, nor is it clear that you want to do much to fix it.
So, again, what do you want to have happen?
Take your marriage back?
Or, sit by and wring your hands counting on her piety, while the real truth becomes that her walk only takes her 5 houses down and into a bedroom?
Dude, under no circumstances should you be okay with her walking with this guy again. You should also be concerned that SHE is okay with walking again with him. Finding out about her kiss by accident shouldn't prevent you from talking to her about it, and I'd advise strongly that you do this before it turns into something more.
Make a visit to the guy and lay it out. You give him an 'out' to stop walking with your wife with dignity, or you'll let everyone know what he's doing.
... I'm probably going to let her walk with him tonight and act like nothing has happened and hope ...
Hope? That is what you are going to do?
You are the feminist dream come true. Completely neutered, passive, and infinitely understanding and patient. "You go ahead with your affair my love, I'll just finance your life and hope that one day you pay a little bit of attention to me too."
Women are utterly nauseated by passive men. She will leave you soon.
Agreed. At this stage in their relationship (yes, it's a relationship), she's spending all day long thinking about the minute when she gets to go see him. You're now an afterthought.
Thanks for all of your advice. When my wife got home this evening, she said she wanted to go over one of her friends house tonight instead of walking (a relief). I did think she dressed up a bit to just go over a friends house and mentioned it to her and she said I like to look good when I go out, stop being so noisy! She was clearly irritated. Went out and came back at a reasonable hour 11:30. No real new information. I told her I wanted to talk to her tonight (Sat) but not what about. I plan on telling her about picking up the phone by accident and hearing her tell her sister about the hug. I found out about the kiss later by recording her conversations. I am not going to admit to this though. Just the fact that I know he hugged her and she liked it are reason enough for me to be upset. I am worried though that she will stop acting to affectionatley towards me. Much more now than in the past, (not sure why). and our sex life has been great over the last week (much like when we were first dating). I don't want to ruin that. I also don't know why the fact that he kissed her got me aroused. ( It also pissed me off). Really confused but I will take your advice and confront her tonight, and tell her I not to walk with him anymore. Its too much of a temptation.
Do NOT tell her how you know what she's doing. It's none of her business. She is harming the marriage and has forfeited her right to know such things. Just calmly tell her it is unacceptable and if she cannot do what she does with him with you around, she should not be doing it.
At the same time, make sure YOU look like a great catch, not a whining, scared husband. Women hate wimps. Have you talked to him yet? Why not?
Need advice soon!!
