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Old 08-13-2013, 02:37 PM   #211 (permalink)
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Default Re: My best friend confessed to cheating a year ago. Do I tell her husband?

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Originally Posted by phillybeffandswiss View Post
Time of need was a year ago. Let's flip the script. If they were bff's why did she not seek this support a YEAR ago?

Just saying, this Bff badge is being swung around as a hammer. My good friends tell me important stuff hours or days after it happens. A year? How good friends are we that you hid something for a year? Like I said earlier, something made her SUDDENLY divulge this information.
I think she felt guilty and has been debating over this for a while and eventually decided to tell her BFF. Honestly when someone cheats, its the worst offense in a marriage and to share it with anyone outside of yourself is not an easy thing to do. Also this friend knows OP went through this situation and was probably afraid and nervous about confiding with her, because she feared that the OP would tell her husband.

There could be many reasons, but the BFF eventually confided in the OP to possibly give her direction and advice on how to either move on, or confront. Abandoning the friend does not offer the benefit of getting or to tell her husband. I think if OP continues being friends and continues pushing and dicussing how morally wrong it is, eventually the BFF will crack as the OP stated, she is a good person.

Now with the OP out of her life, the opportunity to let this air out may never happen and the BFF will take it to the grave, and its a total lose-lose situation.

Being friends with someone for 20+ years is not something you just drop because they broke your moral code. Clearly moral codes are broken all the time throughout a friendship, but its the bond that keeps you together and the help to make each other better that keeps you going.

Also the BFF knows her husband way better then the OP and knows the end result will be divorce, cause her husband sounds like me, I don't look back, you cheat, your gone.

OP what would you like the outcome of this situation to be, knowing that your friend's husband will leave her once she tells him? She will be devastated as will her husband, what do you want for your friend?
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Old 08-13-2013, 02:45 PM   #212 (permalink)
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Default Re: My best friend confessed to cheating a year ago. Do I tell her husband?

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I agree with the way she handled this. I didn't say otherwise. All I said was that I think she should remain friends. After all it is her best friend. I find that people throw the Best Friend title around like it has no meaning. A best friend is like a sibling, your correct. Thus you don't betray you friend by telling there spouse. The spouse was and is not her best friend. Would it be awkward to be amongst both of them in a setting, sure.

The only people I see that wants her to tell the husband is the biased BS who won't look at any other resolution. I think it is fair to say that if someone cheated on anyone, I would defintely want to be told by friends, the WW/WH and not be kept in the dark. However people have the right to do what they think is best to protect themselves from being lashed out at for being the hero.

Just because we want our friends to tell us that our WH/WW cheated on us, doens't mean they have to and it doesn't mean its the right thing to do in there eyes, that is our own selfish feelings that everyone in the group of friends, owe me that much.

Its kind of like the good samaritan who goes to help someone out of a exploding car, or help someone in a emergency situation and gets sued for it because something happened, or they weren't certified. I give CPR but I wasn't certified and damaged someone's lungs by pumping there chest, however I saved there life and they will recover, yet I get sued. No good deed goes unpunished!!

There are numerous reasons for people to not get involved because there are alot of selfish and vindictive people, inlcuding BS/BH's.

I agree OP did the right thing by giving her friend the advice she needed, but shouldn't be even concerned anymore about how it filters through to her. OP even agreed it was a mistake and her friend is remorseful, but understand the reality of it and that her husband would leave if the friend told. Either way, it is the responsiblity of the cheater to tell the cheated, not some third party person who wants to cause drama.

Well said.
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Old 08-13-2013, 02:45 PM   #213 (permalink)
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Default Re: My best friend confessed to cheating a year ago. Do I tell her husband?

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I think she felt guilty and has been debating over this for a while and eventually decided to tell her BFF. Honestly when someone cheats, its the worst offense in a marriage and to share it with anyone outside of yourself is not an easy thing to do. Also this friend knows OP went through this situation and was probably afraid and nervous about confiding with her, because she feared that the OP would tell her husband.

There could be many reasons, but the BFF eventually confided in the OP to possibly give her direction and advice on how to either move on, or confront. Abandoning the friend does not offer the benefit of getting or to tell her husband. I think if OP continues being friends and continues pushing and dicussing how morally wrong it is, eventually the BFF will crack as the OP stated, she is a good person.

Now with the OP out of her life, the opportunity to let this air out may never happen and the BFF will take it to the grave, and its a total lose-lose situation.
They stay friends and the BFF can still take it to the grave. Having continued discussions can end the friendship as well. There is no guarantee either way. This is not a simplistic situation.

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Being friends with someone for 20+ years is not something you just drop because they broke your moral code. Clearly moral codes are broken all the time throughout a friendship, but its the bond that keeps you together and the help to make each other better that keeps you going.
We will agree to disagree. That's how you feel and I respect that, but it isn't for me. Morality is a reason to end a friendship.
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Old 08-13-2013, 02:56 PM   #214 (permalink)
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Default Re: My best friend confessed to cheating a year ago. Do I tell her husband?

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Originally Posted by Samus View Post
I think she felt guilty and has been debating over this for a while and eventually decided to tell her BFF. Honestly when someone cheats, its the worst offense in a marriage and to share it with anyone outside of yourself is not an easy thing to do. Also this friend knows OP went through this situation and was probably afraid and nervous about confiding with her, because she feared that the OP would tell her husband.

There could be many reasons, but the BFF eventually confided in the OP to possibly give her direction and advice on how to either move on, or confront. Abandoning the friend does not offer the benefit of getting or to tell her husband. I think if OP continues being friends and continues pushing and dicussing how morally wrong it is, eventually the BFF will crack as the OP stated, she is a good person.

Now with the OP out of her life, the opportunity to let this air out may never happen and the BFF will take it to the grave, and its a total lose-lose situation.

Being friends with someone for 20+ years is not something you just drop because they broke your moral code. Clearly moral codes are broken all the time throughout a friendship, but its the bond that keeps you together and the help to make each other better that keeps you going.

Also the BFF knows her husband way better then the OP and knows the end result will be divorce, cause her husband sounds like me, I don't look back, you cheat, your gone.

OP what would you like the outcome of this situation to be, knowing that your friend's husband will leave her once she tells him? She will be devastated as will her husband, what do you want for your friend?
I applaud your loyalty, but I believe it's misplaced. Where is the friend's ownership of telling the OP? The friend should've considered how telling the OP would impact them and she didn't, so to flip this, is this friend TRULY being a good friend through HER actions...I will always hold the person doing the first action more liable in a situation than the person reacting.

My best friend has been my best friend since 2nd grade. We're both 41 now. He's always been closer to me than my own brother.

He'd NEVER put me in the position this friend did to the OP where you either have to compromise your morals and integrity OR you have step back from the friend because you won't compromise yourself. It's not fair, it's not right and it's NOT being a friend.
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Old 08-13-2013, 03:05 PM   #215 (permalink)
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Default Re: My best friend confessed to cheating a year ago. Do I tell her husband?

If my best friend cheated on his wife and refused to tell her, I'd ask him to repeat his vows out loud (This would be to highlight the man he said he was and the man I see him as). I'd then tell him that he had to tell her, and if he didn't, at some point I would (unless a life changing event like adopting was coming up immediately) I would use the best friend card and tell him that I would be willing to sacrifice our friendship to do what is best for HIM. If he loved his wife he would give her the opportunity to make her own mind up instead of CONTROLLING her through deception as well as wasting his and her own live.

It does not matter one bit whether the act would not happen again; the act already happened. If the husband would leave if he found out.. isn't that HIS decision? Is he some pawn in a chess game? Some of the people here make me feel that I should distrust my own friends now that I see how many of them would hide something so greatly important from me. I do have one very very good friend who I know would not hie anything from me, thankfully.

Now, if the person confiding in me was some guy or girl I knew for a few weeks or months, and I had no ties to this person, I wouldn't bother.

Last edited by The Traveler; 08-13-2013 at 03:09 PM. Reason: clarification
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Old 08-13-2013, 03:12 PM   #216 (permalink)
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Default Re: My best friend confessed to cheating a year ago. Do I tell her husband?

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It did cross my mind that I could potential trigger a bad reaction from him if I told him. I do know that some people react very aggressively. You see it in the newspapers all the time..BS committing murder etc. I don't want that on my head.

Its been very insightful to read the posts on this thread and it has helped me make the decision of ending our friendship if my best friend doesn't confess.

We had a long talk yesterday and I told her that I no longer wish to socialise with her and her husband if nothing changes.I told her she needs to see a councillor and make amends with her hubby..to stop the adoption process in the meantime.She was clearly upset. We both were. ;-(

I doubt she will tell him so I am guessing that I have lost my friend for good. Did I do the right thing? No idea. But its the best I can do out of this situation. It just sucks all round. I am the innocent one but has to lose out no matter what the outcome
Well, that was the best decision if it was too difficult to keep in confidence. That way whatever occurs from here on out has nothing to do with you. Sorry that it ended up this way.

I will be honest though. I do know things about close friends but never tried to force them into handling their situations in a particular manner. I choose to pray for them and let God do the convicting. They have been the same with me. There are things that my husband has done (EA, possibly PA) that has hurt me and it's likely that his brother knows. I dont expect his brother to tell me, because they are brothers. I expect him to advise, but not interfere (no ultimatum). So I can understand how she feels as well.
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Old 08-13-2013, 03:14 PM   #217 (permalink)
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Default Re: My best friend confessed to cheating a year ago. Do I tell her husband?

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Originally Posted by Samus View Post
I think she felt guilty and has been debating over this for a while and eventually decided to tell her BFF. Honestly when someone cheats, its the worst offense in a marriage and to share it with anyone outside of yourself is not an easy thing to do. Also this friend knows OP went through this situation and was probably afraid and nervous about confiding with her, because she feared that the OP would tell her husband.

There could be many reasons, but the BFF eventually confided in the OP to possibly give her direction and advice on how to either move on, or confront. Abandoning the friend does not offer the benefit of getting or to tell her husband. I think if OP continues being friends and continues pushing and dicussing how morally wrong it is, eventually the BFF will crack as the OP stated, she is a good person.

Now with the OP out of her life, the opportunity to let this air out may never happen and the BFF will take it to the grave, and its a total lose-lose situation.

Being friends with someone for 20+ years is not something you just drop because they broke your moral code. Clearly moral codes are broken all the time throughout a friendship, but its the bond that keeps you together and the help to make each other better that keeps you going.

Also the BFF knows her husband way better then the OP and knows the end result will be divorce, cause her husband sounds like me, I don't look back, you cheat, your gone.

OP what would you like the outcome of this situation to be, knowing that your friend's husband will leave her once she tells him? She will be devastated as will her husband, what do you want for your friend?
I am glad that to you it is so black and white. It is not as simplistic a picture as you are painting. The OP is friends with the BH as well. Should she just be expected to abandon and betray that friendship for the BFF, as she was put into such a horrible situation by the BFF? Effectively if she tells, she betrays the BFF, doesn't tell and betrays the other friend (the BH in this case).

Marriage is a more intense relationship than a BFF, yet the friend chose the BFF to tell and not the BH. Effectively the BFF chose the friendship over the marriage (the lesser of the two involved relationships ,I don't care how strong and many years a BFF exists, it never has the bond of a marriage) to spill the details to. Why would it be so bad if the OP chose the friendship of the BH and OP to divulge such information, this would be the same betrayal as the step down from marriage to BFF, going from BFF to friend.

Nobody knows how they will react in the situation of infidelity until face with it. It is easy to yell from your mountain what you would accept and how you would react, but that isn't always the case when faced with such situations (the majority of the time it is the exact opposite). When finances, kids, family, real estate, businesses, and a host of other things come to light and are facing being destroyed, the situational view and outcome can change.


The questions pondered are not fair, as the OP is not the responsible party for a marriage failure or friendship failure if she tells or doesn't tell. Let's not shoot the messenger already. The friend is the one that made the choices and did the actions and none of these are the fault of the OP in any way shape or form. If it works out, it is because the BFF comes to their senses and realizes how wrong they were and it is time to take responsibility for their actions. Just telling the BFF was not a consequence, only a way to burden someone already saddled with infidelity in their life.
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Old 08-13-2013, 03:16 PM   #218 (permalink)
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Default Re: My best friend confessed to cheating a year ago. Do I tell her husband?

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I applaud your loyalty, but I believe it's misplaced. Where is the friend's ownership of telling the OP? The friend should've considered how telling the OP would impact them and she didn't, so to flip this, is this friend TRULY being a good friend through HER actions...I will always hold the person doing the first action more liable in a situation than the person reacting.

My best friend has been my best friend since 2nd grade. We're both 41 now. He's always been closer to me than my own brother.

He'd NEVER put me in the position this friend did to the OP where you either have to compromise your morals and integrity OR you have step back from the friend because you won't compromise yourself. It's not fair, it's not right and it's NOT being a friend.
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Old 08-13-2013, 04:49 PM   #219 (permalink)
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Default Re: My best friend confessed to cheating a year ago. Do I tell her husband?

Samus,

Why is it assumed to be a fait accompli that her husband will leave her once he finds out? Because she said so? Isn't that just her fears being used to rationalize her deceit?
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Old 08-13-2013, 05:56 PM   #220 (permalink)
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Default Re: My best friend confessed to cheating a year ago. Do I tell her husband?

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So the outcome is that its not my responsibility but solely my best friends to tell.

But my 20 year friendship has ended so she may as well have cheated on me. Massive loss. ;-(
When you were a BW did you not wish you would of been told?

Now you have the chance to pay it forward and you go cold----hearted.
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Old 08-13-2013, 05:57 PM   #221 (permalink)
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Samus,

Why is it assumed to be a fait accompli that her husband will leave her once he finds out? Because she said so? Isn't that just her fears being used to rationalize her deceit?
Because she stated she knows her husband will leave her which means to me at least, that her husband must of specifically made notions towards, if you ever cheat we are finished.

Perhaps he voiced those things while they watched a movie, or discussed relationship things about other couples, etc...

I know I have said it to my wife before that I don't give 2nd chances for cheating, no matter if there are kids involved, my dignity and pride is more important. Plus I wouldn never get over the fact that someone else had sex with my wife and the graphic images would be hard to erase from my mind.

That is the way I live my life and I am not knocking on people that R.
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Old 08-13-2013, 06:02 PM   #222 (permalink)
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When you were a BW did you not wish you would of been told?

Now you have the chance to pay it forward and you go cold----hearted.
It's a catch 22 either way you look at it and there is no right or wrong.

It is better if friends don't involve themselves in matter's of other couples. It is up to the friend to advise what is the right thing to do and up to the spouse to tell there BS.

What if she told the husband and bodily harm comes to her from her BFF? What if she shoots her, because her husband divorced her?

You can never foretell the outcome of things, this is why is it bad to CHEAT on your spouses, BETRAY friendship and help people in the world, because the outcome could be to your detriment.
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Old 08-13-2013, 06:04 PM   #223 (permalink)
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Because she stated she knows her husband will leave her which means to me at least, that her husband must of specifically made notions towards, if you ever cheat we are finished.
So this husband obviously has a strong belief system about infidelity. He knows deep in his heart he does not want to be married to a cheater.

Is it not then cheating him out of his right to live his life as he has clearly stated, if one chooses to hide the truth from him? Will he not be subject to even deeper anguish when he eventually finds out about the infidelity?
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Old 08-13-2013, 06:04 PM   #224 (permalink)
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Would be nice if some people here could be a bit more supportive instead of casting their own moral judgement from their respective pedestals. Regardless of what YOU say you would do or want her to do at the end of the day it's her choice. It's disturbing how many people are basically trying to shame her into seeing things from their POV when she didn't do anything wrong
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Old 08-13-2013, 06:06 PM   #225 (permalink)
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What if she told the husband and bodily harm comes to her from her BFF? What if she shoots her, because her husband divorced her?
There is an infinite number of possibilities. What if he finds out next year about the infidelity and HE shoots the OP for hiding the information from him?

You're advocating the "It's none of my business" philosophy. The problem is that the wife made it OP's business by telling her about her affair.
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