Where did I go wrong, can this be fixed?
I'm in my early 40's and in my second marriage for 13 years. My first unfortunately ended in divorce after my wife took a liking to a high school boy (she was 25). I fought to get joint custody, then finally custody of her daughter that I adopted and our son. I met my current wife and we hit it off well, for the last 13 years. Like all marriages, there are ups and downs, but more ups than anything else. I took in her two children and after a year, we had one of our own. That brings the total to 5. My adopted daughter has married and is doing well with her enlisted husband. My son from my first marriage is now 18, her daughter is 17 and her son is 13. Our son is 11.
She has always treated my son differently, and blames him for anything that goes wrong. He has never been in any serious trouble (other than the basic speeding ticket and smoking a cigarette). For these things, he has been on driving restriction off and on for 18 months. During this time, she secretly put her daughter (15 at the time) on birth control and allows her to stay out past 2:00 am with her boyfriend, even though I felt 10:00 pm was late. If I say anything to the daughter, she is allowed to scream, leave the room and call me foul names. My son has never called her a bad name (at least, that I have seen). I tried explaining that teenagers are difficult at times, they need support but also guidance. We are not their friends, we are their parents. The difference in how we see this one aspect has been the source of most of our downs. These are things that I thought we had worked through. Now to the heart of my question.
I get up in the morning, make the kids lunch and take them to school before going to work. Now that my son is old enough to drive, he takes them to school, I just have to make sure they are ready and have lunches. My wife picks up the youngest from school and my son brings the others home. I work a full time job an hour away, which means I'm gone from 7:30 am to 6:30 pm. I come in from work, cook everyone dinner and clean up afterwards. I also have two part time jobs, both done from home. So money is never an issue. When not a work, I am at home or with the kids at one of the many activies that they are involved in. I coach baseball and soccer. I take my wife shopping each weekend. One night is grocery and dinner and the other is spent looking around in malls and such. I never restrict what she spends, she manages the budget. She does not work outside of the home. When the children were young, we thought it best to avoid daycare if we could (hence the 3 jobs). Since then, I have tried to get her to seek a part-time job or go to college and find something that she wants to do. In the last year, she has started staying up later and later at night and sleeping later during the day. Most days, she is not up before 11:00. Which she then spends 1 and 1/2 hours on the phone, and does about an hour of housework before picking up our son from school. At which point she normally has a headache so she reads until I get home and get dinner cooked. By the time I get the kitchen cleaned back up, spend some time with the kids, and help them get up their messes or any homework issues then in bed, I'm wore out. By the time I sit down each night, it is 9:30 or 10:00 and I am ready for bed by 11:00. But she is not. I don't like to go to bed without her, so eventually I fall asleep sitting on the coach waiting. This difference in sleep times has caused some of our downs. She wants me to stay up and show her some affection, I try some nights, but it is hard to only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep and be able to do my job. So I do my best to make up for it all three nights on the weekend, again one of the downs, because she says that it is only when I want to stay up not her.
For the last two weeks, she has been doing very little around the house. She created a Facebook account (to stay in touch with other moms from school, band, dance, soccer, and so on). She has spent almost every moment on there. Playing games and chatting. I have now have had to start handling the laundry and most of the housework. She now stays up to 4:30 or 5:00 am (with me asleep on the couch) and sleeping later and later. Well, I come home from work yesterday and she tells me she is unhappy and has been for over 5 years. (Keep in mind, just the weekend before, holding hands in the mall, laying her head on my shoulder. She bought 3 pairs of boots, and about 5 outfits and we had a great dinner and evenings). Just Wednesday, I worked from home and she sat on my lap, picked and everything seemed fine. So last night, she says she needs to spend a couple of days away from me, and packed to go to her Grandmother's house. After finishing the six loads of laundry that was behind, I checked to see if she had called and I missed it. There I find a long distance number that I did not recognize. After some research, I find it is a guy who lives 18 hours away, he is 36 and divorced. I checked his Facebook and see that they became "FaceBook friends" Wednesday night. They exchanged phone numbers and cute little messages and since then used up 290 phone minutes and over 50 text and picture messages. I called to find out what was going on this morning. She didn't get up until noon because she was up to 4:30 talking and texting this person. She was mad at me because I looked this up and says that I am being silly, it was none of my business and that they are just friends and it has nothing to do with why she is not here. Again, it is all mine and my sons fault. So here I sit, with the kids, trying to find answers.
Was I wrong to be worried about the phone calls?
Am I just being silly?
Should I try to fix this?
Again I ask, What did I do that was so wrong?