Can people change?

BrokenFrag · 04-10-2008, 09:30 AM

My wife cheated, yadda yadda yadda. I have posted my situation many times.

Where we stand now, or rather where I stand now is wondering if my wife can change.

She has shown herself to be too scared and weak to talk to me about our problems. She was too weak to resist temptation and fell in love with another man. She was too weak to break it off early. She was too weak to break it off even after she told me she had several times. It took her 4 weeks of me pointing out the truth of our situation before she would even commit to working on our marriage. There is nothing that he was giving her that I can't or won't. She just never asked.

I have forgiven her, and I will always love her, but my question is this: can a person develop strength of character? Can a person overcome weakness in their soul? I need a wife who will be able to handle the ups and downs in a marriage. I need a woman who will help me get up if I fall. I need a partner if I am ever to raise kids who will not give up if problems arise.

Can someone do this? Can someone overcome a lifetime of running away and blaming other people? Can they do it in one year's time (the period she finally agreed to to work on our marriage)?

Am I stupid for hanging around and hoping for her to change when she has already shown the type of person that she is?

Thanks.

draconis · 04-10-2008, 10:02 AM

ALcoholics give it up and stay sober for life completely changing who they are forever. It is hard, it is many baby steps and plenty of help along the way. Nothing is different from this. People can and do change. I have seem violent people take control of anger issues, alcoholics give up the booze, cheaters go strait and narrow etc. Does it always happen, more people fail then make it but isn't your marriage worth giving her a chance to change before throwing in the towel. Specially at a point where you have laid the foundation to rebuild your marriage.

draconis

swedish · 04-10-2008, 10:20 AM

I agree people can change. It usually requires hitting the lowest of low points where they finally realize they need to change for the sake of their own being. If she feels that she is about to lose the only one who's been there for her over the years and she knows it's largely due to the way she's handled situations in the past, she can change if she's done feeling the way it makes her feel and no longer wants the status quo. You shouldn't need to wait a year (or waste a year) to find out. If she is serious about working on your marriage, you should see her effort from the get go because the first step for her will be to open up to you and share what she's been feeling. You can only build on what you acknowledge and discuss & the more supportive and understanding you are, the more apt she will be to share, listen and grow.

e_stars · 04-10-2008, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrokenFrag

She has shown herself to be too scared and weak to talk to me about our problems. She was too weak to resist temptation and fell in love with another man. She was too weak to break it off early. She was too weak to break it off even after she told me she had several times. It took her 4 weeks of me pointing out the truth of our situation before she would even commit to working on our marriage. There is nothing that he was giving her that I can't or won't. She just never asked.

I have forgiven her, and I will always love her, but my question is this: can a person develop strength of character? Can a person overcome weakness in their soul? I need a wife who will be able to handle the ups and downs in a marriage. I need a woman who will help me get up if I fall. I need a partner if I am ever to raise kids who will not give up if problems arise.

Can someone do this? Can someone overcome a lifetime of running away and blaming other people? Can they do it in one year's time (the period she finally agreed to to work on our marriage)?

Am I stupid for hanging around and hoping for her to change when she has already shown the type of person that she is?

Thanks.

I think that if you do love her, like you say, you should give her a chance. It's not easy at first. It's going to take time. Remember that although she cheated...she may be feeling guilt, shame and all those feelings that come along with being the cheater...making her seem weaker, vulnerable and scared.
I can't remember if I've read your older posts, but I hope you both are seeking counseling. My husband and I have been for the past two weeks and it has helped BIG TIME. We both are feeling a lot better and are optimistic we are going to get through this.
Like my husband...your wife needs to forgive herself for what she has done to move on and work on rebuilding your marriage. Best wishes to both of you.

stav · 04-10-2008, 02:42 PM

It can be done, but it will take a lot of hard work, from her, and also from you. If she really wants to change, and you really want to support her, and help her work things through without judging her, then you might just manage to live happily ever after.

Sometimes a trauma like this, instead of splitting a couple, brings them closer and makes them stronger.

jake62 · 06-02-2008, 03:14 PM

My wife has cheated on me and I am not sure where this should go.I too wonder if she is going to change. She did the same thing to her first husband and I just found out. She feels as thought she has done nothing wrong.

draconis · 06-03-2008, 05:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jake62

My wife has cheated on me and I am not sure where this should go.I too wonder if she is going to change. She did the same thing to her first husband and I just found out. She feels as thought she has done nothing wrong.

Start a new thread so you do not highjack this one.

draconis