Will the paranoia stop?

Fenella · 01-27-2010, 10:34 PM

July 2009 I caught my H texting another woman - he had bought a secret phone so I wouldn't see her number on his monthly phone bills. He says it started in May and was just texting no more - only have his word for this. When I caught him I was devastated and so angry, and upon looking back at his old bills I found huge numbers of texts to a mobile starting in February. He denies this was HER and the number has since been disconnected (yes I tried ringing it)...so I am adament it started in February while he says it was May.
We went to counselling and he has repeatedly said he is sorry, and wants to make this work for us and our 3yr child. The thing is he doesn't want to talk about it anymore at all and sometimes I am filled with anger and sadness over it all and need to talk about it. Every time he leaves to go somewhere like the shop or whatever I am filled with paranoia about where he really is going - how do you trust again?

psychocandy · 01-28-2010, 03:28 AM

Are you sure hes stopped now? If so, I guess he deserves another chance.

Fenella · 01-28-2010, 10:59 AM

He says it is over and that she has since moved to another country - once again I have no way of actually proving it. He tells me I will just have to "trust him" but I trusted him before and look where that got me.
Counsellor said I needed to forget about what happened and just move on, but that is so hard...the negative thoughts just creep up on me and reduce me to tears. When I think about what happened and what I think happened, I get sad, angry, devastated all over again. Nice to just be able to express my thoughts here to people that understand - I am too embarrassed to tell my friends because of all things I dont want them to think badly of him!

stillINshock · 01-28-2010, 09:42 PM

First, I wish my H would talk to me more about my feelings. He's actually said that I like wallowing in the drama of it. (Meanwhile I'm still convinced there is more he is not telling me.)

Second, I had to tell my close friends. It is part of me now, and it is a true picture if him. He now gets the cold shoulder at times and is confused. Um, well, he didn't just betray me. He betrayed our friends. It helped me - not to harm him. Trust me there are a lot of details I have not shared with friends. But I found it was ok to talk about in a general sense. Its life. Its fact. It sucks. But there are a lot of other people out there thay have far more life-threatening things happening everyday. You don't have to carry the weight of having to play "everythings fine" with those closest to you. Go with your gut.

Enough!!! · 02-09-2010, 02:06 AM

We have all heard it before, trust can take a lifetime to build and a split second to destroy. I think it is actually easier to trust earlier in the relationship then it is now as I didn't have my H betrayal to contend with.
Two steps forward and five back. Every time I feel he is not being completely honest with me, it takes me right back to the start. I'm not sure how many times I can "start" over. As long as your man is being completley honest with you, and comforts you and re-assures your doubts, then I think you will be just fine. The trust will return.... eventually.

RWB · 02-11-2010, 09:50 PM

Fenella,

From what you has said, He has been lying about when it started and how much contact he has had. My wife is a 3 time, 3 men, 6 years cheater that was found out Aug 09. Cheaters get good at lying. Deceit is there tool of trade. My wife (good mother, hard worker, liked and respected) had no problems lying to my face about the questionable events and times over the years that I sought answers to. She would drift in and out of affairs and somehow justify it in her mind and pretend to be that "good little woman".

You have to press for the truth. Explain to him that is his only option. Some here say never contact the OW or OM. I my world that is pure BS. Exposure show the affair for what it is, emptiness. Tell him to give you the name and number. If he won't be honest with you now, he is still living in the dream-world and does not want to except the reality of who he has become. He and most important you can not heal together or alone until exposure and truth are unmasked. Affairs only live in the shadows of deceit. In the light of day, they are cheap substitutes for a real living marriage. The best way to assure he never repeats is to expose the affair in the open. My wife has said more than once, if she had been caught the 1st time and endured the shame, guilt, ridicule, and most important the truth of who she was hurting, she could never of repeated affairs with another man. The hurt and shame of her parents, my parents, friends, our children, and mostly me is big medicine. Take a chance on TRUTH. It is really all you have.

thebanker02 · 02-14-2010, 06:42 PM

I am in the same boat in a somewhat similar situation. My wife only admitted what I already knew or could prove. She never came forward with anything. Maybe that was everything, but it does makre you always wonder what you don't know. In my case, it was a string of lies that once I discovered more info, she told me a little more. I could only find out so much on my own. I know it probably hurts her to tell me the truth. Someone posted that it is two steps forward, five steps back - I could not agree more. I discovered something troubling last week and lost the 4 steps I took over the last 10 months. Trust is the most important characteristic of a marriage. It sounds like your husband is saying the right things and making the effort; go with it, but we both know that your "radar" will never be off for a long time. My wife goes to the store ALL the time and I wonder every time. It hurts and it is not how I want to live my life. I want to trust her and I wish SO BADLY that she would make a commitment to make things better - don't take that for granted!!! That is the first step in trusting someone again. Good luck.

turnera · 02-15-2010, 10:22 PM

Your counselor is full of crap.

Tell him you won't move forward without him taking a polygraph.

Affaircare · 02-15-2010, 11:42 PM

LOL

I agree with turnera that if your counselor was given exactly what we've been given and still said "get over it" then that is not good advice. I have to admit, I do wonder if there weren't other things or facts that the counselor has though--or maybe the other side of the story?

However, here's one thing that may be good, practical advice to help you explain and envision it better. At this point, you trust something when the words and the actions match. Your husband words (it started in May) and actions (see the cell phone bill) do no match and thus it is reasonable to not trust. Furthermore, you did trust him and he betrayed that trust, so again it is reasonable to not trust.

(FYI, if I were in that exact position and someone betrayed my trust and then said to me "You just have to trust me" I'd say "No, I can also choose to NOT trust you unless and until you take the time to earn my trust.")

Anyway, try to envision a puzzle with a zillion pieces. You have been given some of the puzzle pieces but no matter how you try to put the pieces together, they don't make a full picture that you can see. Your spouse on the other hand has all the pieces and sees the picture. Now the picture may be less than flattering so they don't WANT you to see the picture--nonetheless they hand you a few puzzle pieces that they know don't really show anything. Since they won't show you all the pieces, and you can't put it together, the puzzle drives you NUTS and you think about it all the time!

I would suggest that you talk to your spouse and explain to him this puzzle analogy. Then let him know that you realize at times it may feel like an interrogation to him, and let him know that you will not hold the Spanish Inquisition. Then see if you can't agree to asking one question a day (or maybe two) and see if he'll agree to answering one question a day honestly and thoroughly. That way, gradually, you will begin to get all the puzzle pieces and it will be a little after the initial discovery when it's so painful. Also that way he will gradually realize he can be honest with you without being screamed at, and he will not be tortured endlessly for more info!

Finally at some point you are going to have to make the decision to say, "Okay that's enough. I know enough now that I'm making the deliberate choice to let it go and I'm done. There will be no more." One thing that is vital to your recovery will be that your husband has to have some hope it will not be held over his head forever. If he thinks you will just obsess about it forever and "make him pay" then he will withhold or even give up. Okay? Make sense?