anon2010

Our marriage is basically sexless but my husband claims he never had sex with other women and never cheated on me although he has done some things to raise suspicion.

1. Shortly after we got married I found his profile w/pics on a dating site. He explained that the profile was for his friend although everything was in his name including the pics. He had his friend call me up and say so. That year was pretty miserable for me, catching him visit different dating/personal sites and MySpace and looking at porn. He took down everything and closed accounts eventually. He also said that he was doing these for Internet search marketing, practicing his ad writing to see what women would respond to better.

2. In 2008 he left his MySpace chat open and I discovered a few messages from a girl. She was hurt that he wasn't interested in her and wanted to know if he was after sex/hook-up with her roommates. I had no clue about all this so I confronted him and said it was over for us. Then we were not having sex, so I told him I completely understood his needs and that it was better for us to move on rather than wasting our lives. Again he denied it, said the girl was into him not vice versa and had her call me. I was so mad and had my cell turned off so she left a VM saying that there was nothing between them. His another defense was -Did you see my replies to her? -None. Because I wasn't interested and I did not write her back. So we stayed together... however

3. Right before this incident, my pap test came back positive and I was diagnosed with cervical dysplasia caused by HPV. I immediately suspected him cheating on me b/c by that time we'd been together almost 6yrs and I was a virgin when we met. Stupid me... never had pap done before so not sure how long I've had it. He swore he never cheated on me and that he always had steady girlfriends, not random sex partners before and was surprised and genuinely concerned about my health.

4. Then right before the NY's I found a few random calls on the cell going out to escort service/hookers. He canceled his plan and been using my phone since May. I forget what prompted me to check the numbers but smth happened that night. So I spent the next day googling all the numbers he called and calling the ones that didn't turn up any results. When I confronted him, he swore he didn't call the numbers, must've been some ppl he knew on the street that would occasionally ask to use the phone (he talks to a lot of folks on the street and help them out, so it's believable.) Lo and behold... the hooker number was saved on his old phone as some guy he knew and talked with. He was so upset and said there was no way he was losing his wise over this **** and confronted the guy, got into a fight... that's what he told me. He wanted to change and work on our marriage so that things could be better. That was the new year's resolution until...

5. a new discovery about a week ago. He left one of his email account open and I almost closed it before a subject line caught my eyes. This account is rarely used and is full of spam emails, tons of them. The email was from a girl who posted sex ad on Craigslist to which he responded. She acknowledged it's been a long time for her to respond, but there was no date stamp on his original email. Turns out he responded to these ads about 6-7 times over the course of 2009. Some were never opened and none seemed like it was a follow-up. But again he used his real name, location, and wanted a discreet sex affair with no strings attached and etc. Some were pretty graphic. I was so shattered and hurt by this - printed them out, wrote a long letter to him - I wanted nothing to with him. I wanted a divorce, but again he managed to talk me out of it. I realized how much I love him and I know he loves me too... but my mind cannot comprehend why he would do this to me. His explanation was again... the Internet marketing. He never followed up and hooked up with these girls, they often include links for you to sign up with a credit card - did I see any charges like that? did I see any emails scheduling dates & times etc. It's hard to believe but also can be quite believable, you know... b/c a part of me wants to believe him. He swore he never cheated on me, would never stoop so low as to pay for hookers and etc.

Let's be honest, it's been almost 3 yrs since we had sex, I said. I understand men's needs from what I read and see in pop culture. They always say men can't go long without sex but why should you be the exception? I asked. Honestly I've never seen him masturbate, ever. He said he doesn't masturbate. When we first started having sex there was a brief period where I wanted to have sex more frequently, but he used to tell me that it's not good to have sex that often esp when we know we will get married. The logic was very odd and it's not for religious or spiritual reason either. Then we started having problems... I would hurt when having sex and was scared of being hurt so started avoiding sex, then was plagued with yeast infection and etc. So eventually we just stopped having sex altogether. But I know his libido is healthy.

I can't comprehend how he can go this long without any sex? Is he telling the truth? Is it possible? If he didn't cheat on me, is it remotely possible that he's been carrying HPV in his body all these years from his previous girlfriends? I'm so lost I don't know what to think.

turnera

Your husband is a serial cheater. And cheaters lie.

It may be he deals with inability by seeking out and teasing other women.

No matter, because you don't have a healthy marriage, no matter what the reason.

Most likely, though, he's seeking it elsewhere.

I think it's time to tell him that you're not happy. That, if things don't get fixed, you don't know where this marriage will go.

no1.daddy2kids

For me, the last time was when my 4 yr old was conceived. She turned 4 in august. Talk about a crappy situation. No, I haven't cheated. I can't say I'm happy about the situation...
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anon2010

Well I think I finally put an end to this misery. This has been eating me alive from inside. I don't like to tell my relationship problems to anybody including family and friends, so my only outlet was this forum. I felt so alone. Then a couple days ago I opened up a bit to my sister and a friend who are not in this country. I wish I had my family here so I could seek their comfort.

My husband and I had several talks and I told him that I wanted both of us to be happy and if this marriage is not working then there is no point in trying to fix it. He kept assuring me that he wanted this work and things will get better. He even cried... said that I was the best thing happened to him and he wouldn't know what do without me. I tried to be a better wife for him, so I've been trying to change myself for the better... but I couldn't shake my doubts. Then things just seem to fall into my lap. I discovered that he has a secret email he didn't disclose to me and tried one of his passwords I had seen before and it worked.

Today at work I logged into that email and discovered a chat with a woman on Feb 2nd. Seems they've been having sexual relationship for a while as I see her name and phone # saved on his old cell. He hasn't used that cell since May last year. I found several calls to her on phone records in recent months as well. According to the chat he would come see her today. The irony is he called me right before and after this discovery at work and sounded well and was honest with me about other things... it seemed things were getting better for us. But I couldn't help my mouth shut so told him I had smth he should see and that it was over for us.

He was worried and came running to my work right after the last call. I showed him the printout of the chat and he was speechless. There was nothing for us to say. He already knew my position and determination from our last talk Saturday, so all he said was... I'm taking my stuff right now and he went home. I got off work early, got home not soon after that and see he took his clothes and some stuff out. I didn't want to cry and sulk so started cleaning house and made a pile of his small possessions. He came back in and as he was taking stuff out I asked how long has this been going on? I just want to know that. (I've called the woman's number but she turned her cell off, not sure is she found out yet.) He said ... I'm sorry, so sorry about this.. but he would not look into my eyes. Said we'll talk about this later. I was calm and not emotional up to that point, but lost it after he was out. I cried... then decided not to waste tears over this situation.

It all seems like a dream to me now. The best part is I don't feel any resentment towards him and the other woman. I still love him and always thought he was a good guy despite his many flaws. If he wants to, I have not problem staying friends with him. But last Sat when I brought up separating... he said if we do that, I won't be able to see him again. But he may change his mind. One of the reasons for this line of thought is that I know he has no one but me in this city. His family is miles away and he hasn't seen them for a long time. And I don't have any family in this country, so we both realized we've only got each other. If he needs me in the future, I will always be there for him.

I feel like calling up the other woman and asking her about the duration of the sexual relationship. Is it a good or bad idea? Should I just forget about it? Will knowing that do me any good?

anon2010

sorry about your situation and hope things will get better for you.

mirmex

I wouldn't do that. It can only hurt you. Now that you took the decisive step, it's time to keep on moving, looking in front and not behind you.

turnera

I'm so sorry. But you are doing the right thing. There is a slim chance he will be on his own and realize what he lost, and change.

But he never would have done that as things were.

Things will get better for you.

There are SO many men out there looking for a woman to treat them well, and who they can treat well. You'll find the one.

anon2010

thank you for the kind words turnera. I decided not to keep things bottled inside and started talking to my sister and one close friend. I asked my sister to keep it secret from the rest of the family until things are final. Of course I didn't tell them every single detail, but let them know that there was nothing that would make me change mind again. I was encouraging myself not to waste time crying and feeling sorry, so kept myself busy cleaning up and doing things around the house. It felt really good to hear supportive words from my sister and friend. My sister advised me to make drastic changes in my life, travel, and enjoy life.

I decided not to bother with the other woman. I was only starting to have doubts about my decision and feeling sorry for him. I wondered how long it would take him to call me or come and talk to me. Almost felt like making the first move myself... to see what he has to say. My sister advised against it... said if this relationship is precious to him and if he doesn't want to lose me, he should be the one to contact first. Of course, she's right. I felt so much better after talking to her that I woke up a different person this morning :-)

Then he called me. Asked if I had seen his email. Turns out he emailed early morning and said he REALLY wants to talk about us and about what happened. As we talked on the phone, he had the nerve to tell me there was nothing between him and the other woman! He denied having sex EVER with the woman when it was so obvious from that chat they had a sexual relationship going on. Says he didn't go to her place on Thursday as if I'm supposed to be grateful that he called it off that night. Of course he didn't go because I had just broken up with him. He was probably miserable that night as he got caught. IF there was nothing, no sex ever with that woman, why didn't he deny it when I showed him the chat, right? He says the other woman will confirm that there's nothing between them, no sex ever if I call and ask her. Yeah right... I'm sure he asked her to say so.

Anyway he was trying to tell me... he only chatted because she sent her a message bla bla. And he bawled his eyes out saying how he needs me and he needs help. I said your tears don't move me anymore.. yes you need help with your lying and etc. But he still can't admit he lies!! To think that he was the one who wanted to work on this marriage yet after being given another chance he would turn around, open a new email, chat with her, and tell her to use that email from now on. And to deny it all as if nothing happened. What nerve! I asked him what more do I need to show him to prove his deceitful behavior. Am I supposed to catch him in bed with another woman so that he's got nothing left to deny? It only made me angry and convinced that I made the right decision. If he said sorry I made a mistake please take me back I won't do it anymore... then I might have considered it or softened a bit you know? But telling me nothing happened when the evidence shows otherwise is so beyond belief. I don't want to end up hating him for that.

And he kept saying how I knew things were not rosy because we haven't had sex for a long time. This whole time I've been asking him why he doesn't initiate sex anymore, if he's getting it elsewhere.. he always said he was fine and he wouldn't not seek it from other women. I guess he will keep trying to get me back but unfortunately the trust is broken beyond hope.

turnera

You know what you need to do. Continue on your path. IMO, ONLY if you become independent will he respect you. You have the control now. Don't give it up until he treats you the way you need.

anon2010

He sent me a long email proclaiming his love, how I'm the love of his life and he will never love another and such. But still he wasn't confessing about the affair. I emailed him back in a very firm tone saying it was all over, laid out everything, all the transgressions and mistakes he committed and all the warnings issued before. He comes to see me at work again and after much denial finally admits to a blow job. Says it was ONLY that nothing more. Of course I don't believe it. Says he will do anything to get me back even if it takes calling me 5-6 times an hour to get my attention. I asked him to stop seeing me at work otherwise I will file a restraining order against him if need be. hehe we both laughed at that b/c it's a silly notion. I hope it won't get to that level. I know how persistent he can be so I guess I just need to stand my ground firmly.

I only wish he was honest with me, then I would at least consider giving him another chance and start over. Unfortunately he's still lying about certain things, no matter how harmless they are. I already know the facts but he would not fess up. So sad.

My girlfriend thinks maybe he loves and more importantly NEEDS me in his life, but if I stay with him, he will always be seeking other women on the side. There's no doubt he's a good person, but he's a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater, isn't it? It makes me shudder... I can't imagine living with someone like that. But then I have already lived with him under these circumstances and experienced first hand what hell of a life it is, so I can't forgive him at all. Although I'm positive I'm making the right decision, I also have a little doubt inside.

turnera

I am really proud of you for protecting yourself.

MrsInPain

You are a strong woman - keep it that way. I wish you the best of luck and I am sorry he hurt you. I wish I could have been as strong as you when I found out my H was cheating and a pathological liar too. Then again, I'm trying to finish college and in a vulnerable position right now, so maybe when my life is more stable, I will kick him to the curb when I find out about the next affair.

Anyway, enough about me! I really hope the best for you. I'd say continue to seek support online, especially because your family is not near. You will need to stay strong. I admire you!

anon2010

Thank you guys for being kind and supportive.

MrsInPain, I read your posts. Our husbands do share one common trait which is lying. It's ironic that I used to think I'm pretty good at detecting lies but ended up marrying a liar. It hurts me to call him a liar b/c I love him and I don't want to give a bad impression of him to other people. I'm even thinking he may not be that bad at all b/c the things he lied about are not really serious. I used to rationalize the reasons he may have lied, but I know it's hard to live with someone whom you can't trust completely.

I do not depend on him financially, so it's a lot easier to kick him to the curb. He didn't contribute much financially and I thought I could make it work, but in retrospect I see where we went wrong both financially and sexually. He used to be so affectionate and gave me compliments all the time. But certain disappointments about my husband diminished my sexual attraction to him. Aside from a few minor issues I mentioned in my original post that got in the way of having sex, I was enjoying sex less and less. He sensed it too and asked me if I didn't like having sex with him anymore. I could not admit it for the fear of making his feelings hurt. Although he was looking pretty hot to other women out there he wasn't getting as much affection as he desired at home. I was never nasty or *****y towards him - it's not in me -but I could've said I loved him more often and I could've initiated sex instead of asking him why he didn't. The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to feel guilty. My gf says 'don't you blame yourself!!' Although sex was not the only thing that went wrong in this marriage, I can't help but think 'what if?'

Now I'm wondering why he hasn't called or come to see me since Monday. Is it a sign that he doesn't care? Was I too harsh when I warned him not to come see me at work and clear his stuff by the end of this week? I wonder if he misses me. I wish I could see what he's doing and thinking right now.

MrsInPain

It's those exact thoughts that always got me to go back after leaving. I've left a few times but never more than a week. Usually in just one day I'm heading back because I miss him and rationalize his lies. It's such a tough situation when you love someone that you know you shouldn't. Either way, I commend you for being strong. Whatever you decide to do, remember to make the healthy choice. The choice that will bring you less stress and sadness in the long run. I hope everything works out for you!

turnera

I will remind you that you are stuck in an enabler/victim status, wherein you SAY you want him gone, but in reality you're waiting for him to turn into your knight in shining armour. So you SAY go away, and instantly think "is he coming? is he coming? is he coming?"

The problem with that is that, he's waiting you out, because he fully expects you to come crying back to him and beg him to forgive you for daring to kick him out. It's probably what you've done before, at least in little ways. That's part of the manipulation cycle, how he keeps you in control.

Come on, you're smarter than that. IF you ever took him back, we're talking months, not weeks or days.

And I have to say, you TOLD him not to call you. So...you're sitting here upset that he's not calling.

I'd ask you to think about the fact that this, in itself, is a bit manipulative itself. So you may want to think about how much of your problem was of YOUR doing. People like you and me, we feel like we have no control, so we manipulate, too, in our own little ways. I remember in my first few years of marriage, if I didn't get affection I needed, I'd try crying. Not proud of it, but I was a youngling and didn't know any better. Bottom line, we ALL can always learn, right?

That said, that doesn't mean he's not an a$$. You most definitely need to stay away. If he wants you enough, he'll look at himself and go through a life change. But it'll never happen if you don't stand up for yourself and be prepared to walk away.

You're doing great!