I see both sides, but I'm also thinking that I want my wife to be faithful out of love, and not shame or guilt.
Niceguy, your name betrays you! :P Yes if you were dealing with a normal, mature, loving woman you want her to be faithful out of love. This is so true.
But the idea of exposing the affair is not to tattletale nor is it to "embarrass you spouse" or guilt/shame them into being faithful. Part of the glue that holds an affair together is that it is exciting due to the secretiveness of it. The "forbidden fruit" thing...know what I mean? So the idea of exposing, at least as I promote it, is to selectively tell some people whom you believe will be pro-marriage and help your marriage by telling your spouse to stop this foolishness and return to their marriage--people whom the disloyal spouse looks up to as an authority. Usually that would be people like their boss at work, the pastor, or their parents...and sometimes it's a sibling or friend.
Again I say that the point of exposure is NOT guilt and shame! It is to bring "the dirty little secret" to the light of day so that a lot of the fantasy of it is tarnished. It is to get some people in the disloyal spouse's life saying "stop the affair--it's not right" because chances are about 100% that they are hanging out with people who are saying "the affair is okay." Finally, it is to inform people there may be an issue that will affect them and impact their life and/or to gather a bit of a support network for you as struggling with an affair can be very emotionally taxing.
One thing that people OFTEN raise as an objection to telling the boss/employer is that their spouse might lose their job, etc. Yes, the economy is not great right now and each job is precious, but marriage is for a lifetime, and in any lifetime jobs are going to come and go. Looking at the big picture, losing a job to save a marriage is a reasonable price to pay. Furthermore, if the lovers met at work, chances are 100% that they are using company resources for their secret meetings (like the office PC, company time, company cars, or even company cell phones) and the boss could be SUED for sexual harassment. Yep the loyal spouse could sue a company for unwanted sexual advances if the disloyal spouse works under the other person! An employer NEEDS to know that their company is at legal risk due to the behavior of two of their employees--not to mention loss of productivity and using company resources.
So I hope this helps explain why exposure really is necessary to ending an affair. When you find out your spouse is having an affair, you go to them directly and ask them to stop. If they're willing to do so, then obviously you don't need to expose. If they are not willing, you go to the other person and the OP's spouse and tell them you know and ask them to stop. THEN if the disloyal spouse and other person persist and harden their hearts...exposure is necessary. Otherwise their relationship keeps the intrigue of secrecy and fantasy, and they can continue living the lie. Not exposing to the select helpful few is basically enabling the affair and saying that it is okay with you, that you won't fight for what is right, and that potential embarrassment means more to you than your marriage.
Are you willing to go to the mat for your spouse? Then gather courage and bring the affair to the light of day! Yes, they will be mad--but you have a chance that you may save your family!