Steps to stop an affair - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 135 (permalink) Old 02-01-2010, 11:14 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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He has told me several times that me telling her H was one of the things that made him wake up, and really see what was happening.
My point exactly. It bursts the bubble.

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post #32 of 135 (permalink) Old 02-01-2010, 11:36 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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My point exactly. It bursts the bubble.
Yes and if I had went on and kept my mouth shut I think he would have either kept on with the A or left me. But telling the other party there were no more secrets. They couldn't hide anymore or sneak around. So for me it was better to tell and I also told some close friends and family.

But, I also told them I didn't want them to pass judgement on him. I just needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen. They have honored that request but I do have one friend that gives him crap. He is ok with that he knows she is looking out for me. Plus they can joke a little about it now. Not that I find it funny yet.

"May those who love us love us. And those that don't love us, May God turn their hearts. And if He doesn't turn their hearts, May he turn their ankles, So we'll know them by their limping."
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post #33 of 135 (permalink) Old 02-02-2010, 07:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

What if your spouse told you that the affair has ended(1 month, 5 months etc), would you still go and expose it? Is there any benefit in exposing it once the affair is over?
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post #34 of 135 (permalink) Old 02-02-2010, 08:26 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

No. If the affair is over - and you DO have to verify it by having all their passwords, them writing and YOU sending a No Contact letter to the OM, GPS in their car, checking phone/text records, and even a polygraph if it has been a hardship for you - there is no need for exposure. It is solely for stopping the affair.
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post #35 of 135 (permalink) Old 02-02-2010, 12:57 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

What he said.

The purpose of exposure is 1) to end the affair, and 2) to get some support/encouragement from someone wise as you deal with a spouse actively in an affair.

If your spouse was wise enough to end it, and you have reasonable proof to believe there is no further contact (not just "believing them" but you can back that up with facts), then there is no need for exposure.

Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies * The Man Up Nice Guy Reference
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post #36 of 135 (permalink) Old 02-02-2010, 02:31 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

I agree with turnera and affaircare on that one. My husband had ended his a 18 months before I found out. There wasn't a need to expose him, but a few close friends that I knew would support me in whatever I chose were aware of the situation, and they are the only two women on this earth that I would trust with my secrets. It wasn't about hiding it from people or not embarrassing the husband, it was about only allowing people in that would be there for me regardless.
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post #37 of 135 (permalink) Old 02-03-2010, 01:28 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

OW's H called me and exposed the relationship. Once I was able to get a grip....I confronted HIM, I confronted HER, and called in my H's best friend since childhood...who i later found out already knew about the EA, but was in shock to hear that if things did not stop IMMEDIATELY that I would be throwing my H out into the street and not looking back (this was surprising enough that he called my H and informed him he believed me to be more than serious about divorcing him and what a dumbass he would be to let that happen.)

So, while I didn't expose the situation to EVERYONE...I exposed it to the RIGHT ones...

this all took place in Oct.... so far so good.... no more contact with the OW and he is taking major steps to prove he is where he wants to be. Still struggling to get him to take complete ownership of the affair, but I suppose that will come in time. And, I have to close the door on the EA in MY mind...something rather difficult for me.

Reconnecting our relationship and getting our life back on track has started and I feel we are moving forward....maybe not outta the jungle yet...but def moving towards the light!
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post #38 of 135 (permalink) Old 02-03-2010, 05:32 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

YES! Yes Monday25 that is exactly, precisely, perfectly the way to do a good exposure! GOOD JOB! Exposure is not "gossip everywhere and make your spouse so embarrassed they never want to leave the house again and destroy all their friendships". Nope. You did it EXACTLY right--tell a select few...the ones who will tell the disloyal spouse "Hey you're not thinking right! Return to your marriage or you'll be heading to a mess of trouble!" and the ones who will give the loyal spouse encouragement, support, and maybe prayers because dealing with an affair can be emotionally exhausting.

GREAT example! Thank you so much for sharing so people can get an image in their head of what it should be like.

Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies * The Man Up Nice Guy Reference
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post #39 of 135 (permalink) Old 07-07-2011, 05:18 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

bump, for any newbies
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post #40 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-02-2011, 02:41 AM
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Unhappy Re: Steps to stop an affair

i wish i would have found this before hand...but on the bright side half the people that didnt know are no longer in the dark about it. and whether or not he shuts them out is a different story. Even thru all the anger and hateful things i can still hear doubt and confusion about what he is doing. I hate this i really wish he could come home and wrap me in his arms again and again...now i dont know what to do??!!!

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post #41 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-02-2011, 07:48 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

I started out making all the classic mistakes...begging, crying on her shoulder, being a doormat. And the EA was all electronic! (found out about it just before they were going to take it PA). Then I found this site! All of the folks here have changed the way I see things and have helped immensely. I have also been reading a lot about this stuff. The sad thing is that because we LOVE our wayward spouse we don't want to HURT them, even though they have just destroyed our life. I have been very reluctant to take the advice given here, and in articles...but once I get the courage up and do it IT WORKS! Her family now at least knows what is going on. Friends now know. I will likely need to get a PI to get me the OWs name and phone number because I cannot find it online myself. I am not being mean, but I am also not being a doormat. She is very angry with me right now but you know what? I own 50% of the problems in our marriage, she owns 100% of the affair. I want my marriage to work and will work with this until it either gets back on track or she decides that we cannot be married anymore.
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post #42 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-02-2011, 08:26 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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Originally Posted by Hopeeternal View Post
I started out making all the classic mistakes...begging, crying on her shoulder, being a doormat. And the EA was all electronic! (found out about it just before they were going to take it PA).
Glad you caught it before it went PA. Just out of curiosity, how did you catch it in time? That way you can share your experience with all the new people constantly coming into the forum.
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post #43 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-02-2011, 09:36 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Your marriage can survive your spouse's anger.

It cannot survive a third person.
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post #44 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-02-2011, 09:37 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

krssy, read the book Surviving An Affair; it will give you steps to take to try to save your marriage from his affair.
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post #45 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-02-2011, 09:54 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

i handled this WHOLE thing so wrong. again i wish i would have just found this sooner...maybe things would be different right now. I feel cheated out of life because i lost my nerve and did what at the time i thought was right...now i dont know what to do
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