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post #46 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-02-2011, 10:13 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

I think exposure is about the most effective thing. And, cutting off funds. The go dark and watch.
I would give ita few weeks, then start divorce proceedings if it does not stop and there is inadequate remorse and restitution.

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post #47 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-02-2011, 11:35 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

he is the one who wants the divorce, despite everything...and he calls with excuses why, we never did this or did this enough i blame where we were living you reported my card lost...and a new one is he would be home but i pushed him away by blowing up that girls phone, his friends/family are turning their backs on him...the list goes on and on....
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post #48 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-03-2011, 08:34 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

It makes no difference what HE wants.

HE CHEATED.

YOU have the right and the obligation to blow his affair out of the water by telling his parents, siblings, and best friend what he has done. Tell them, and ask them to help you save your marriage - or at LEAST his reputation - by getting him to stop the affair. He needs to see that they won't just welcome her over for Thanksgiving (hopefully), that his affair is a fantasy and he will be an outcast (hopefully).

You are not exposing to be a biotch. You are exposing to (1) try to save your marriage and (2) help HIM from making a huge mistake. Did you get the book I recommended?

btw, IGNORE EVERYTHING HE SAYS about you and your marriage. He is in full fog babble mode trying to pin his cheating on YOU.

Refuse to accept that mantle. Any time he brings up you or the marriage and what you did wrong, look him straight in the eyes and say "I was not the person who committed adultery."

And walk away. Or hang up. (I'm serious - if he brings up anything you did wrong - HANG UP.) He'll figure it out eventually. You don't have to be his punching bag for his guilt. If anything, you should be chewing HIM out. But you have too much class for that.

Refuse to continue ANY conversation in which he dares to blame you.
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post #49 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-03-2011, 11:53 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
And the odds if you don't expose are that (1) he will LEAVE you for that other woman or (2) he will CONTINUE to have more and more affairs, because you condone it by accepting it.

Either way, YOUR life is ruined. But hey! at least your husband (or exhusband) looks good to everyone.



The whole idea of exposure is to STOP the affair. When a spouse cheats they put at risk the entirety of the marriage. The money, kids, house, job, family respect, BS's health...ect. This is not a time for the BS to worry about how the waywards career or anything like that....it is a time for decisive action.

Yes "internal" problems should be handled in private....but an affair is not an internal problem. An affair involves a third party...and if your marriage is to have any chance at survival...the third party needs to be routed out. The MOST effective way this is done is through exposure.

The more I read....the more I study the subject of affair survival...the more I find this to be true. It should be a BS's rule.

In fact, you could almost sum up the entirety of the affair survival subject in 5 rules:

1. Expose the affair and ask for support.
2. Demand 100% no-contact
3. Take care of yourself.
4. Watch & wait
5. If #2 is not achieved...file for D.

Best wishes,
GM

If you would like more help, check out my blog: http://myspousecheated.blogspot.com
My Story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ways-hope.html
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post #50 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-03-2011, 11:58 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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The whole idea of exposure is to STOP the affair. When a spouse cheats they put at risk the entirety of the marriage. The money, kids, house, job, family respect, BS's health...ect. This is not a time for the BS to worry about how the waywards career or anything like that....it is a time for decisive action.

Yes "internal" problems should be handled in private....but an affair is not an internal problem. An affair involves a third party...and if your marriage is to have any chance at survival...the third party needs to be routed out. The MOST effective way this is done is through exposure.

The more I read....the more I study the subject of affair survival...the more I find this to be true. It should be a BS's rule.

In fact, you could almost sum up the entirety of the affair survival subject in 5 rules:

1. Expose the affair and ask for support.
2. Demand 100% no-contact
3. Take care of yourself.
4. Watch & wait
5. If #2 is not achieved...file for D.


Words to live by when getting hit by an affair.
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post #51 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-03-2011, 03:08 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

I think exposure can be effective if used as a last resort, but I do not agree it should be a first line of defense. It's definitely effective, but it can also mean there's no hope of reconciliation. So if you are willing to go it alone, expose.
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post #52 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-03-2011, 04:44 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

ANYTHING you do can mean there's no hope of reconciliation.

I've seen tons of marriages saved through exposure over the years. And, of all of those, the ones who survived FASTER and BETTER were those BSs who (1) confronted immediately and demanded the cheating stopped; (2) if the cheater refuses to quit, telling the cheater's VIPs about the affair, and (3) kicking the cheater OUT if they then still refuse. Once the cheater gets kicked out and no longer has TWO PEOPLE stroking his/her ego, the affair quickly loses its appeal.

The one thing that dooms marriages more than anything when cheating is involved is the betrayed spouse begging the cheater to come/stay home and/or LETTING the cheater continue to cheat, whatever they want, as long as they don't leave the BS.
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post #53 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-03-2011, 10:56 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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ANYTHING you do can mean there's no hope of reconciliation.

I've seen tons of marriages saved through exposure over the years. And, of all of those, the ones who survived FASTER and BETTER were those BSs who (1) confronted immediately and demanded the cheating stopped; (2) if the cheater refuses to quit, telling the cheater's VIPs about the affair, and (3) kicking the cheater OUT if they then still refuse. Once the cheater gets kicked out and no longer has TWO PEOPLE stroking his/her ego, the affair quickly loses its appeal.

The one thing that dooms marriages more than anything when cheating is involved is the betrayed spouse begging the cheater to come/stay home and/or LETTING the cheater continue to cheat, whatever they want, as long as they don't leave the BS.


Best wishes,
GM

If you would like more help, check out my blog: http://myspousecheated.blogspot.com
My Story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ways-hope.html
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post #54 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-04-2011, 10:41 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

I found out a month ago about my H's affair. I confronted him, he sent no contact to the other OW, she said she told her husband and we started from there. The OW tried to contact my husband three different times over the past month to which he didn't respond and this was verified. The other day I had a moment of anger and sadness about everything and contacted the OWs husband and told him that my husband and I were working things but I needed for his wife to stop contacting my husband. Apparently she didn't tell him everything, in fact her version was so mild. I sent her husband all the info I had. I felt bad for him, but finally feel justified in making her life miserable for awile. Why should she get off the hook for doing this!?
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post #55 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-04-2011, 11:23 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Look at my threads..
8 months in a PA. I told her to leave. Started Divorce procedure. [ takes 13 months here] Totally gone and in love with OM.
Used everything but exposure to OMW. [ in the end this was a non starter anyway]
She was so sure of her new love that she happily told the kids about her new love.

Now? She wants back. Agreed to ALL original conditions.

Follow the advice here. Especially the "Just Let them Go"

Do it lovingly despite your anger.
Wish a happy life and take all the blame for everything.

When he says. " The relationship was on the rocks anyway"
say " yes. i agree"

Wish happy life and love at every opportunity!

Be cool. Business like. Help him go if he wants.

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post #56 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-12-2011, 04:54 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

What if exposing the affair causes big family problems and complicates things? How do you get back on track? I do think the steps suggested outline a good track of action toward fixing the problem, but it's seldom so clear cut, right? Maybe that's when one just has to Let Go. That's what I'm trying to do, while still hoping things can be fixed one day.

In my situation, a family intervention happened during which my WH's actions were presented to him (that's partly how I found out about everything & couldn't be in denial anymore). He'd been cheating on me, verbally and psychologically abusing me, and had violated my family's boundaries in some pretty egregious ways. His brother came over to sort of be on his side so WH wouldn't feel attacked (but, because he wasn't told before hand, he felt attacked anyway) and help us resolve things, but it ended going very badly. Ultimately, WH wouldn't own up to his actions and tempers flared and people started shouting at each other and when violence was imminent, WH's bro decided that things were irreparable and they had to go. WH and I had been staying with my parents at the time and my family wouldn't have him around anymore. I couldn't go with WH to continue dealing with the problem, because the abusive behavior was escalating and there were other factors like work. He's many miles away in his hometown; we were both supposed to go together and this intervention happened the day before. We ended up separated because of the family pressures and factors and these other elements because I couldn't go with him when he had to go. WH's bro told his family about the problem and he's getting a lot of crap for it from them (except his mom with whom he is now staying who blames me for telling everyone what he did). He blames me and says I kicked him out and shamed him, when I didn't really do that and it wasn't so simple. In some ways, going about the exposure in what feels like the wrong way made our problems worse -- no good plan, everyone lost their calm. I feel like the issue of his behavior was lost in everyone else's anger. But, he's so in the fog that not exposing would have just made it continue and worsen. My own issues (that he cheated on me and I wanted to make him see it and give him a chance to fess up and change) fell by the wayside and we still haven't even been able to get past the anger at the intervention exposure in order to even discuss the issue of the infidelity and abuse.

I think this original post was very good and highlighted the steps clearly. If only it were always possible to follow those steps without more complications....

Last edited by desert-rose; 11-12-2011 at 05:05 PM.
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post #57 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-12-2011, 08:06 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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What if exposing the affair causes big family problems and complicates things? How do you get back on track?
Then you act like adults and talk about the TRUTH in real time, with all present, and work through it. Like grownups.
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post #58 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-12-2011, 09:05 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

desert-rose, thats the point, making the affair as complicated, uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible.
Getting back on track is something both spouses must really want, and when one has to work hard and make the effort well then its worth taking care of and make prevention that more possible.

Lets face it when things come easy we really don't take care of them. But when a wayward wants to come back even after the humiliation of exposure....well something has to be said about that.


When exposure pushes a wayward further away...well then where they worth having back after all the crap they put you through?
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post #59 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-12-2011, 11:40 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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desert-rose, thats the point, making the affair as complicated, uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible.
Getting back on track is something both spouses must really want, and when one has to work hard and make the effort well then its worth taking care of and make prevention that more possible.

Lets face it when things come easy we really don't take care of them. But when a wayward wants to come back even after the humiliation of exposure....well something has to be said about that.


When exposure pushes a wayward further away...well then where they worth having back after all the crap they put you through?

:smthumbup :



HUGE POINT! Well said Guy! I could not agree more. There is a lot that could be said about that...the action of returning even after humiliation speaks volumes....this should not be overlooked by the BS.

Best wishes,
GM

If you would like more help, check out my blog: http://myspousecheated.blogspot.com
My Story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ways-hope.html
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post #60 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-13-2011, 10:10 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

I've often wondered if the BS(LS) is not best served if he/she FIRST seeks legal counsel to formulate a divorce plan of action and then does a double attack by exposing the affair and serving his/her WS(DS) with divorce papers. Reality would hit the WS like a bunker-busting bomb and possibly kill a non-exit affair faster than simple exposure. A scorched earth policy if you will. If the WS comes back to the BS after such a humiliating experience with his/her tail between his/her legs and begs his/her BS for another chance, then true reconciliation may be possible. Any comments?

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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