Steps to stop an affair - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-13-2011, 10:31 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

turnera -- The intervention/exposure/talk was supposed to be a way for us to put all the cards on the table and deal with the problems. WH didn't want to cooperate, just deflecting blame with anger, lies, storming off, and violent behavior; now, instead of trying to make amends, at all, he's just left the place that makes him feel ashamed and is hoping I'll move there, sweep it under the rug, and take all the blame for him. I agree that this only works if everyone is going to behave like an adult. I was just saying that sometimes, things get messy, even though the plan is logical and solid.

the guy -- You are very right. He has to want our relationship enough to admit his behavior. I guess that's what exposure really shows -- is the WS really willing to fight for the relationship, or are they just in it when it's easy? I suppose this shows whether or not people are committed.

Geoffrey Marsh -- so true. Choosing the marriage over vanity and a falsely upheld image of good behavior speaks volumes about integrity.

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post #62 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-14-2011, 08:11 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Your wife has to leave her job , an affair will never stop while they work together . It is a simple decision ; your marriage or her job you can't have both .
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post #63 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-14-2011, 10:00 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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Your wife has to leave her job , an affair will never stop while they work together . It is a simple decision ; your marriage or her job you can't have both .
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post #64 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-14-2011, 10:09 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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I've often wondered if the BS(LS) is not best served if he/she FIRST seeks legal counsel to formulate a divorce plan of action and then does a double attack by exposing the affair and serving his/her WS(DS) with divorce papers. Reality would hit the WS like a bunker-busting bomb and possibly kill a non-exit affair faster than simple exposure. A scorched earth policy if you will. If the WS comes back to the BS after such a humiliating experience with his/her tail between his/her legs and begs his/her BS for another chance, then true reconciliation may be possible. Any comments?
Makes sense to me. I think that 100 years ago, people were forced to face things head on, life was hard. Last few decades, we've become more and more used to getting away with things, not facing things, letting technology cover for us...such reality is often sorely needed.
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post #65 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-14-2011, 10:11 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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turnera -- The intervention/exposure/talk was supposed to be a way for us to put all the cards on the table and deal with the problems. WH didn't want to cooperate, just deflecting blame with anger, lies, storming off, and violent behavior; now, instead of trying to make amends, at all, he's just left the place that makes him feel ashamed and is hoping I'll move there, sweep it under the rug, and take all the blame for him. I agree that this only works if everyone is going to behave like an adult. I was just saying that sometimes, things get messy, even though the plan is logical and solid.
So I have to ask you...

Do you WANT a man back who cannot face what he did?
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post #66 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-14-2011, 10:13 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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how can i verify, wife has to work with e/a partner and they work together on a daily basis, jobs over lap...in m/c 6 sessions in and we both agree this lady m/c is not for us, im also in i/c
Well, this is where you would have to find your spine and tell her flat out that if she won't quit her job, you will divorce her.

There IS no continuing to work with the person you cheated on your husband with.

There just isn't.

And it's a mark of YOUR fears, YOUR inability to defend yourself that you are willing to KEEP her without demanding it.
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post #67 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-14-2011, 10:15 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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forgot to mention that i suggested i/c for my wife as well, i said that if we forget m/c for awhile and work on our crap that it indeed will help our marrigae, she relplied I know youve mentioned it already a few times.
These are the actions of a DOORMAT. With NO spine.

Tell me why she would choose to stay with you, who'll accept her no matter how many men she sleeps with, over some man who takes what he wants?

Women have to respect their man. Period. You are showing NOTHING worth respecting. Find your spine and tell her quit your job or I'm divorcing.
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post #68 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-14-2011, 01:29 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

It doesn't matter. There is no reason why you should accept her working with her lover. And remember that women are different than men. Women often stay and it doesn't change how the men think of them. When the MEN stay, it affects a woman's attraction for him. This is primeval stuff - women HAVE to respect their man. They HAVE to know he's strong, he'll protect her. You not taking a stand - and not demanding stronger action on her part to get to KEEP you - just proves to her that you're weak and not to be desired.

If you stand up for yourself and she walks...do you really want that wife anyway?
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post #69 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-14-2011, 02:18 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

3 months?!

more like 2-5 years to heal IF done properly

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post #70 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-14-2011, 03:11 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

It's commonly understood that, every single TIME a cheater sees their lover - even if they have 'officially' broken off the affair - every single time, they recreate those brain PEA chemicals, just by seeing them. Memories, feelings...there's no such thing as 'just working' with them.

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post #71 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-15-2011, 06:02 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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2-5 years, really? in the the almost 3 months sicne d-day, it seems to me she has shown little remorse, I've read the 5 love languages book and just friends and lots more, I leave them for her to read also, but nope, she just lets them lay...
I fiugured out my love language is physical affection and i told her about it, its what makes me feel loved,important, she cant initate any physcial contact, I have to, love making and sex is still pretty much non exsistant, (went south when she started to pull away emotionaly) and when we do she pretty much isnt even there, sorta just me getting off, and it makes me feel like a rapist, she said shes just not interseted in it...
no 2-5 years for YOU to heal from infidelity if doing a proper reconciliation (ie. she is transparent, goes NC, shows remorse, etc) If you want the quicker route then divorce.

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post #72 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-15-2011, 07:25 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

The steps are great in theory and if done correctly almost certainly will end the affair. In my case it took 8.5 months and me moving on with my life before it stopped. But stopped it did.

Early on I went on anti-depressants and making great strides as looking like I was moving on. My resistance to taking drugs of any sort made me stop taking them and dealing with it as best I could. This was a mistake.

It wasn't good enough. She could immediately see that I was still connected and still had not let go. It was only when I was clearly and truthfully moving on that she snapped out of the FOG.

If I was advising someone I would suggest medical help. The drugs allow you a clarity that is hard to fake. They allow you to change your life quickly and they allow you to appear happy and confident. The importance of the latter point is important in that it clearly shows you are moving on.
Thing is. Your cheating. Your faking it with drugs, but it doesn't matter at this point. You have a better chance of busting the affair and simultaneously protecting yourself from hurt.
I am so badly scarred from this that when she talks to me it brings on an anxiety attack which disables me.
The constant fake R over the 8 months literally trashed my ability to see her as anything but someone inflicting torture.
They are on drugs. We need them too! we have to deal with reality and them.
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post #73 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-15-2011, 10:30 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

No. Just talk about the general feeling of wanting to run from your problems and how they don't really go away.
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post #74 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-15-2011, 11:29 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

By talking about something SHE is doing wrong, she has no choice but to defend herself.

By talking about how a particular action can be harmful, it's a learning experience and one in which she doesn't have to ignore it just to defend herself. Kind of like letting her save face. As in...if your sister were in this situation, what would you tell her?
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post #75 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-16-2011, 07:57 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Don't you see. Her issues with you in the past are blame shifting now. I'm not saying she is over it, but you have changes and put that out of you now. There is nothing more you can do to change the past.

The problem now is tomorrow. Her continued contact with the OM is stopping the marriage from healing, and stopping her from healing.

Everytime she sees him, her brain in getting that affair jolt. That is stopping the healing, just like if you were still doing da small amount of drugs each morning then you would never be able to say you where clean and heal like you have.

You are right to push for her leaving, your marriage hasn't any hope for to heal until she does.
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