Steps to stop an affair - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-16-2011, 07:59 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

if she refuses to quit you can go nuclear and inform her HR department

have you notified the OMW yet, if no then why not?


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post #77 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-16-2011, 08:20 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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Originally Posted by strugglinghusband View Post
if thier boss found out, one or both would more than likely be fired (she told me that) and the wife would be humilated in our small town, never would get a job as good as she has now.. as for his wife,still on the fence about that one, who knows how she would react, maybe she would take it to thier work? but deep down i know I should, I'm pretty sure he told her that i may be contacting her the jealous/crazy husband...
well OMW needs to know first and foremost, a few reasons...


1) most importantly, she deserves to know. She is operating in her marriage without all of the information. It is likely she is seeing her marriage crumble and is blaming herself and desperately trying to do things to correct it and just spinning her wheels.

also, exposing the affair in most cases helps you get your wife back. why?

2) It is an additional consequence that she now can see to help her realize what an awful sh!tty thing she's done. When she sees the fall out of his exposure to his wife and what she has done to her.

3) exposing the affair takes the excitement out of it, it helps diminish that hold it has over them when it is exposed in the light of day

4) his wife may actually already know and may be able to provide you with more details that your wife hasn't told you yet, if she doesn't know then she's an extra pair of eyes

5) the OM is likely to try to throw your wife under the bus to protect himself, if she sees this she will come out of the fog as she won't like that

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post #78 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-16-2011, 08:25 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

You still haven't exposed to the OMW, your wife still sees the OM everyday, are you actually sure the affair is over? That she isn't in a false R?

She asks you what you need to move forward, you say it, and she says no. So you can't move forward. The marriage cant continue like this, and her unwillingness to actually do something to make it work sounds like the R is false, sorry.
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post #79 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-16-2011, 08:30 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

sh- you won't be the first poster here afraid to expose to the OMW or OWH and certainly won't be the last, but do know that I haven't seen too many cases, if at all, where the BS regrets telling them

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post #80 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-16-2011, 08:53 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

So...
OMW still doesn't know
WW and OM still work together
WW blames YOU
WW is doing nothing to reassure you but talk

Tell me why she should do anything you ask for. You are not a threat. You haven't inconvenienced her in the least. You're a doormat.

TELL her what you need - her quitting or you two moving. If she refuses, then you have you answer. If she refuses, call OMW today.
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post #81 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-19-2011, 08:59 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

I wish you luck. You might want to consider seeking out some better advisors in real life on this. Your IC seems to be a rug sweeping guy, and your wife is very very good at rationalizing you into in action. In the end you've been convinced to just stop doing any action and hope for the best. I can tell you, I have had a lot of life experience, and inaction at best gives you status quo and at worst utter failure.
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post #82 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-19-2011, 09:12 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Its actualy sad .

Translation , your going to be selfish and not tell the OM's wife that her husband is a liar and a cheat , this allows him to cheat again with no consequences , your enabling your wife's affair by allowing her to see her affair man at work , your mentally exhausted because you won't take the steps to break the affair and inside your wife is laughing at you because you won't man up.

Your not a doormat your fearful of doing what needs to be done , your marriage will never recover until you decide to lead from the front , make unpleasant decisions and take tough action .

While your at it find a new IC.
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post #83 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-19-2011, 02:57 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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Originally Posted by Shaggy View Post
I wish you luck. You might want to consider seeking out some better advisors in real life on this. Your IC seems to be a rug sweeping guy, and your wife is very very good at rationalizing you into in action. In the end you've been convinced to just stop doing any action and hope for the best. I can tell you, I have had a lot of life experience, and inaction at best gives you status quo and at worst utter failure.
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Well said Shaggy...I was thinking the same thing.

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If you would like more help, check out my blog: http://myspousecheated.blogspot.com
My Story: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ways-hope.html
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post #84 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-19-2011, 10:04 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

I think this is false R and the affair has gone underground.

Your getting ILYBNILWY speech
No real remorse. Only guilt.
Rationalization to keep her job and stay close to OM.
Gaslighting you.

DIG..
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post #85 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-19-2011, 10:44 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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But you assume that forgiveness will be offered and received. That is not the case in many families... Sides are chosen, grudges are held, and relationships are irreparably damaged. Guilt is sometimes therapeutic, but sometimes it is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Shame has the same issue. Those emotions can help you fix your issues, or they can push you to become a completely different person that has no joy in life. It's dependent upon what type of personality you have...

Two things... First, kids come first - always. What I want and how I feel don't matter until they are out on their own. Telling kids about the affair risks ruining their relationship with your spouse, potentially for the rest of their lives. Would they understand later on? Maybe, maybe not. But the potential for hurt is so enormous that I don't see the benefit except as a selfish one. I think as they grow up, you talk about fidelity and trust and honor in marriage. You show them good examples (if you can find one ) and talk about what works and what doesn't. As they get older, circumstances may change enough that more information might be appropriate, but I think you'd have to have an extraordinarily mature child for that to happen. Second, why does your spouse define you and your life? Why is your life "ruined" because of an affair? Different? Yes. Uncomfortable? Yes. Changing? Yes.
I'm so glad someone is saying this. The expose this to everyone you know seems to me like being the first to fire a nuke. Will the other side surrender? Or will the more obvious happen. A full wwIII marriage doomsday. Expose it in couples therapy if you have that available and work it out with a professional. I think the odds that her parents would side with the son in law for example is about zero. He MUST have been such a crappy husband that she had to do this *Or whatever weird logic will be used. And friends? In one divorce I know about the people calling it quits had one last party where everyone they knew was invited before they announced the divorce because after it was known everyone would takes sides. And affair or not. Wrong or not thats what happens.

And the gossip over who did what to who? Thats going to be the rest of both of your lives. And all the people who will want to tell you what they think of your marriage or cheating etc. Yuck...

Your kids will have to take a side as well. What a great way to screw them up because your hurt. Mom cheated so maybe thats ok? Dad is so sad and feel betrayed I'm never talking to mommy again. One of those two things is (I think) the probably outcome) Neither of which I think sounds too good.

I think exposing it to the partner of the affair partner? Thats a for hell yeah for sure. They have a right to know that they are being exposed to STDs and that they maybe blissfully unaware of what crap is being done to them. And if they want to work on it they can take steps to get into couples therapy or whatever. If they don't know? Your part of the problem and ought to feel some guilt.

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post #86 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-19-2011, 10:54 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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no 2-5 years for YOU to heal from infidelity if doing a proper reconciliation (ie. she is transparent, goes NC, shows remorse, etc) If you want the quicker route then divorce.
A quicker route with Divorce? To where? Having been divorced once I can say it was the worst thing to happen to me other then the current EA biz. And getting over the Divorce to more then 2-5 years. Is this all about revenge or what?

All these comments about growing balls and so forth seem to me to be not exactly helpful or motivating. It all sounds more like blaming the victim.
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post #87 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-21-2011, 04:47 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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Originally Posted by ing View Post
I think this is false R and the affair has gone underground.

Your getting ILYBNILWY speech
No real remorse. Only guilt.
Rationalization to keep her job and stay close to OM.
Gaslighting you.

DIG..


Looks like this is going to be yet another False R and the OP is making the most common mistakes a newly betrayed makes:



Learn from these members:

False Recovery

Wife in ongoing affair - Learn from my fail

Keep us posted. As long as she continues to work with OM, the affair is still on. And yes, the OMW, who deserves to know what a sh!tbag she is married to, has no information to decide the course of her marriage and family. I'm quite sure you would have liked to have someone give you a heads up on the affair. OMW could have also been another pair of eyes on the affair and bring pressure to end the affair on OM's end. Most OMs quickly throw the WW under the bus in an effort to save their own marriage. Why? Because your WW is just an easy piece of @ss to him and normally wouldn't leave his own BW to be with your WW. But you won't do that out of fear.

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post #88 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-21-2011, 07:19 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Anything that you do that you can't tell your spouse is considered cheating.

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post #89 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-21-2011, 07:34 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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A quicker route with Divorce? To where? Having been divorced once I can say it was the worst thing to happen to me other then the current EA biz. And getting over the Divorce to more then 2-5 years. Is this all about revenge or what?

All these comments about growing balls and so forth seem to me to be not exactly helpful or motivating. It all sounds more like blaming the victim.
I have no motivations for revenge as I have had a successful R and I'm sorry your divorce took a long time to heal from, but the truth is that the pain from infidelity heals quicker if you make a clean break for most people. That isn't to say that R isn't worth it if both partners are willing to do it and not look to rug sweep.

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post #90 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-21-2011, 07:36 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

struggling- while I clearly understand informing the OMW can be motivated by revenge, the truth is that there are many other valid reasons to expose and let them know. The main one is that you are doing the OMW a huge favor, right now she is operating in a marriage without all of the facts, she can't make informed decisions without them.

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