Steps to stop an affair - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 135 (permalink) Old 11-21-2011, 08:47 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
sh- you won't be the first poster here afraid to expose to the OMW or OWH and certainly won't be the last, but do know that I haven't seen too many cases, if at all, where the BS regrets telling them
Tru.dat

The only regrets I've noticed is that they didn't do it sooner (or at all, like me).

Telling the OBS (other BS) should be one of the FIRST things that people should do right after DDay. It has NOTHING to do with revenge, it has to do with letting a fellow human know there spouse is betraying them (wouldn't you want to know?) and it helps keep the OM/OW preoccupied with fixing their own M and bothering your WS. It helps to have two eyes to make sure they are NC.

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I've told him it dosent sound like the e/a is still ongoing, and even if I did tell her and he and his wife broke up maybe it would push my wife and him together quicker if it was still on.
This rarely if ever happens (usually if makes the OM/OW work on their M instead of breaking up) and if it did it would just show you what your wife is really made of.

You have to right attitude now but you are heading for a divorce. Things will not get better on their own, it will only build more resentment. Maybe that's what you need, as time goes by you will detach to the point where a divorce is the easy route and of course THAT'S when she will come out of her fog and start to work on the M, the minute you no longer care about her.

That's one reason I push for filing for a D so soon before that's what you actually want. You show them you will walk away which helps get them out of their fog faster and give you a chance to R. If you wait until you want to D yourself then it will be to late to R since you will no longer be interested and the WS will do all the things you wished they would had done before. They ALWAYS wait until they think they will lose you for good before they do anything. Changing is hard and most people won't change until not changing becomes more painful than changing.

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post #92 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-08-2011, 09:03 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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how can i verify, wife has to work with e/a partner and they work together on a daily basis, jobs over lap...in m/c 6 sessions in and we both agree this lady m/c is not for us, im also in i/c
i suggested that we find a diff m/c, wife replied with that we would have to start all over, i said so what we start over, on the 1st session the m/c asked why we were they and the wife told her that were there because that I'm jealous of close friendship she has with a male coworker (hes married 1 kid)and i said No! its an e/a,I know what one is i had 1 ten yrs ago...and that was the only time it was brought up in m/c..
.she had been secretly emailing him (ihacked her email) i had intercepted 1 with her saying "Miss you and cant wait to see you! and then confronted her (this was sept 21st) she said it was an e/a (her words not mine)
she had emtionaly and physcial started withdrawing from me about 10 months ago...on tje way home from m/c the other night,i said that i had read that most women who emtionaly detache typicaly dont come back and she said that the has emtionaly detached from herself aswell and dosent know who really is.
WTH does that mean???

I contacted him via email and then via phone because
i had idea that it was also physical (turns out i was wrong) he admitted nothing (whcich i knew he wouldnt) but told him that going to his wife and thier boss with what I have would be the least of his worries and him and i are going to have a long coversation someday and he wont like what I say and how i say it. my i/c said that he probaly went like a turtle sticking his head back in, thinking holy ****! this guy may tell my wife and my boss(one or both would more than liky get canned and my wife even said that) and kick my ass
...

HOW CAN I VERFIFY? she goes into wotk later,used to go in really early, she agreed to have work only contact, never be alone with him at work, her leaving her job iis really not an option...I'm still very supcious, I want to belive her but at this point no way...she knows i hijacked from home computer, so she would never use it again for anything like that..I hate feeling like this
Prior to my affair I was already "emotionally detaching" from my husband, that's why it was so easy to engage in it. I had a lot of resentment towards him for many things that had ocured in our marriage. However, it was not the reason I chose to have the affair, just made it easy to justify it.

During the affair, I was not myself at all, hubby even still reminds me that I'm not the same person, until very recently. I had never done such a degrading thing in my life prior to the affair, I thought I was a good person, dedicating my life to helping others. I still don't know why I really did what I did, but I'll say one thing, since exposing the affair to OM's wife, hubby has noticed a dramatic change in my behavior, and even my tone of voice. He told me he feels like he finally has his old wife back. I think that the fact that I was finally on board with exposing, it actually felt empowering to both of us, and that I may have still be protecting OM in some sort of way. So it was a way for both of us to let go, and begin to repair our marriage.

I hope this makes sense.
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post #93 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-08-2011, 09:29 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

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Originally Posted by working_together View Post
Prior to my affair I was already "emotionally detaching" from my husband, that's why it was so easy to engage in it. I had a lot of resentment towards him for many things that had ocured in our marriage. However, it was not the reason I chose to have the affair, just made it easy to justify it.

During the affair, I was not myself at all, hubby even still reminds me that I'm not the same person, until very recently. I had never done such a degrading thing in my life prior to the affair, I thought I was a good person, dedicating my life to helping others. I still don't know why I really did what I did, but I'll say one thing, since exposing the affair to OM's wife, hubby has noticed a dramatic change in my behavior, and even my tone of voice. He told me he feels like he finally has his old wife back. I think that the fact that I was finally on board with exposing, it actually felt empowering to both of us, and that I may have still be protecting OM in some sort of way. So it was a way for both of us to let go, and begin to repair our marriage.

I hope this makes sense.
I lost track of this thread but I do agree on informing the other man (or womans) spouse. If nothing else you have to consider STDs and how that could physically harm the unknowing victim. I guess the inform the neighborhood, family and friends thing is what I was worried about. If your headed to a divorce the kids will at some point need some kind of explanation. Mommy doesn't love Daddy anymore or ? If you find some way to work it out? I think its better left private between as few people as possible. Doctors and therapists who are honor bound to not spread it around so it becomes the big gossip.

I think it will aid a lot in breaking off contact as well. Wondering how many of you who did this communicate with the betrayed spouse after this and if thats a good or bad idea?

The issue I worry about with a public disclosure is all the people taking sides and or adding their "expert" opinions and adding to the stress. And on that topic I think the folks posting the man up and grow a pair types may have good intentions but I appreciate much more the suggestions made about seeing a trained expert.
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post #94 of 135 (permalink) Old 05-25-2012, 09:54 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Hello to all. This has been a mind opening forum for me. My question is this... What if the spouse who is cheating, emotionally or physically, is NOT interested in reconciling? My wife hates me, has been clinically depressed even before the separation, does NOT want me anymore, and just moved out a few days ago to apartment with female coworker, even leaving our 3yr old son with me. She decided she wanted out of marriage in Feb, after just 3mths, although together for five years, citing lack of love and affection. A few days before the breakup she was in I love you, have a good day at work mode with me! Then on Valentines Day she dropped the bomb. Found out last month after only being separated for 2mths that another guy is in the picture. Have text evidence of only emotional affair at least. I love you and miss texts. She met him out partying last year. He actually lives an hour away. Got his number and called him, he denied of course, she denied too. Am sure it has been more but do the exposure rules apply to me??? Even with her not showing the slightest bit of interest in reconciling?

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post #95 of 135 (permalink) Old 05-25-2012, 10:04 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

@godlyman83,

Yes the exposure rules fully apply in your situation. The fact she dumped you on V day says she was very involved with him before the dumping.
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post #96 of 135 (permalink) Old 05-25-2012, 10:13 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Sorry for the double post please leave replies here:

How do I stop my wife's affair?

Thanks shaggy
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post #97 of 135 (permalink) Old 07-12-2012, 04:41 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Hi all,
I was reading the posts regarding telling the affair partners spouse in order to end the affair, and I did just that after thinking it was over once in February, and then again thinking it was over in beginning of June, and the the last time I found out it was still going on was end of June. (The affair began in January, albeit this was a non sexual affair, ) The last time I found out there was still contact I called the other woman's husband and told him.
This blew everything out of the water and since then, he and I have been able to let each other know how things are going. For the first time I see a difference in my husbands attitude towards me, even though it has only been just over a week. I wish I had called her husband 6 months ago.
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post #98 of 135 (permalink) Old 07-12-2012, 04:47 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

member, you should start your own thread about this; it will help a lot of people.
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post #99 of 135 (permalink) Old 07-13-2012, 07:17 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Hi, I have an interesting situation. Husband left a few months ago, he did not make any real decisions to divorce and was vaguely talking about reconciling. I found out he is now living with a coworker and they rented an apartment together. I started divorce proceedings and he is going along with them. I've also exposed the affair to family and now told people we are divorcing. He is angry, obviously. He also mentioned he had feelings for me a while back. Question is - is this an exit affair and will exposing stop it? I really don't think I can take him back but feel so angry he thinks he can do this, that I want to split the up....
He's also still denying it all, probably because they could get fired, and his reputation will be shot to bits
I'll start a thread...
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post #100 of 135 (permalink) Old 07-13-2012, 07:22 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Bentley Mommy, start your own thread. This is an old one.

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post #101 of 135 (permalink) Old 07-13-2012, 02:20 PM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Bentley's mom,
I don't know how well it would work since he has already moved out, and he is spending so much time with her... is he still keeping it a secret that he moved out?

not sure how to start a new thread....
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post #102 of 135 (permalink) Old 08-05-2012, 07:35 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

I read the article and it discussed everything that I have done. However, both my husband and the other woman have left their spouses and are now determined to begin a relationship together. She is an older woman and has been married 26 yrs.
I have spoke directly to her and it has changed nothing.
The reply that I now get from my husband is that he is not happy and he has a God given right to find happiness with whom ever he choses.??????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????
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post #103 of 135 (permalink) Old 08-05-2012, 08:11 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

He's right. And if he can look himself in the mirror and convince himself he has a right to ignore morals and conscience, well, that's something he'll have to live with the rest of his life. You, on the other hand, can learn from places like this, make better choices in the future, and raise your head high in your new life without a cheater.
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post #104 of 135 (permalink) Old 08-05-2012, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Momof3kids View Post
Granted my situation is a little different than most, but I would never want an affair by my spouse to be exposed like this. It would hurt my H, would certainly hurt him professionally, could create some really difficult family situations, and more than anything would hurt my children. I don't see this as a positive step at all. While I can see the value in confrontation between the two of you, I see this as something private for the two spouses to work on. Private matters should never become public knowledge, imho.
This is what I wondered about. My husband hasn't had an affair, but if he did and I told my family, we would never be welcome at family events again. If it ruined his job, we would suffer financially.

I'm not questioning those of you who know much better than me...I just wonder....why tell my family and his work? Wouldn't that hurt me too?

Also, not all workplaces care about affairs. There have always been affairs going on at my office. HR does not get involved, even when it has been brought to their attention. I work for a Fortune 500 company too.
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post #105 of 135 (permalink) Old 08-05-2012, 10:58 AM
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Re: Steps to stop an affair

Exposure should be made judiciously. Only to those people who can put a stop to the affair - if they are both at work and carrying on their affair at work, over which you have no control, you have to ask yourself - do you want your marriage to survive more than you want him to keep this particular job? You only have one marriage; he can get another job. But he will never stop cheating - or reliving the feelings they had - if they still work together.

The cheater has to hit rock bottom and end the affair to be able to rededicate themselves to the marriage. If it takes knowing that his mother is ashamed of him, then his mother needs to know, and he needs to KNOW that his mother knows. It works like that. If your family knowing won't make him question the affair, then telling them may not help. Remember, it's all about making cheating more bad than good. Right now, cheating is good - the high, the PEA chemical feelings, the thrill of sneaking.... If looking at your mom and knowing you shamed her makes that feel not as good any more, then you may stop cheating.
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