just some random thoughts
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-16-2013, 10:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default just some random thoughts

Posted several times, but basically my wife had an EA after 16 years of marriage, short-term, was ready to turn it into a PA, I found out, confronted her, she did the NC, and I've gone through hell and back - like many of you.

We've reconciled, and have moved on, but I still have triggers that occasionally come up. Problem is that we have agreed, after much discussion and counseling, to put the EA behind us, recognize it for what it was, and both of us have made signficant changes in our lives = better marriage overall. I consider it, so far, a success story for many reasons. Perhaps the biggest reason, and the point of my post, is that I am a better person.

After dday, and after much counseling and self-help, I lost tons of weight, became more actively involved in my kids' lifes, ceased countless unhealthy addictions/habits, and have gained tremendous confidence in myself as a person. This certainly has contributed to the reconciliation as well.

I experienced a sizeable trigger this morning, and didn't know how to react. The trigger is not important, but I had an hour or two of hell to live through as I relived old feelings, hurt, etc. until such time as we had a chance to talk.

During this 1-2 hours of hell, I suddenly realized that I was slipping into my "old" ways, have gained a few pounds back, and other minor changes had been happening. Then I recalled all the advice I had read about bettering myself, and how much that would ultimately help me in the long run, regardless of my marriage situation. Needless to say, it was a good reminder of what I have accomplished, and I am now refocused on myself, on ME, the same way I was during my hell experienced after dday.

During our "talk" about this trigger, she said she has nothing to hide, I can see anything I want, etc. - I simply told her that while I have made the decision to trust her completely, there would be triggers that happen where I may need reassurance.

Don't know if any of this makes sense (that's why it's "random thoughts") but I wanted to share a little and see if others had made significant changes in their lives after dday, and find themselves slipping during the R process.

thanks for reading and any comments or thoughts!
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Old 08-17-2013, 06:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: just some random thoughts

I totally understand this and want to give you my support friend.

I have stopped focusing on my marriage and have now made it all about me, look up one of my other threads for how it is working for me but I feel better and the past bugs me less and less, one member posted about this behavior pushing my wife away, but as I explained to him, she caused this pain and misery, she can stick around and hold on for things to be better or catch a bus either way I don't care, I need to heal.

If they don't like dealing with the aftermath of their betrayal then they should have stayed faithful.

I wish you the very best, hang in there, it really does get better, time is all it takes, keep your head high and your chest out, you'll beat the insecurities, don't let them beat you!!
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Old 08-17-2013, 07:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: just some random thoughts

Angry, triggers will always be there. How you deal with them takes a lot of effort and finesse. It took a long time for me to realize my health and sanity was way more important. I could care less how she felt. She is the one that ruined our marriage. In my mind it's better to cut the cancer out. I don't have to think about snooping, trusting, where is she crap. I moved on. For me if it was just an EA, maybe and that's a big maybe would I stay. I hate triggers but after a while they sting less and less. Good luck.
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Old 08-17-2013, 07:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: just some random thoughts

ABH,

Sorry you are here. The triggers will lessen over time. Open communication is important. Work on yourself like you were and it will pass. Good luck to you brother and God bless!
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Old 08-17-2013, 08:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: just some random thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by angrybuttrying View Post
Posted several times, but basically my wife had an EA after 16 years of marriage, short-term, was ready to turn it into a PA, I found out, confronted her, she did the NC, and I've gone through hell and back - like many of you.

We've reconciled, and have moved on, but I still have triggers that occasionally come up. Problem is that we have agreed, after much discussion and counseling, to put the EA behind us, recognize it for what it was, and both of us have made signficant changes in our lives = better marriage overall. I consider it, so far, a success story for many reasons. Perhaps the biggest reason, and the point of my post, is that I am a better person.

After dday, and after much counseling and self-help, I lost tons of weight, became more actively involved in my kids' lifes, ceased countless unhealthy addictions/habits, and have gained tremendous confidence in myself as a person. This certainly has contributed to the reconciliation as well.

I experienced a sizeable trigger this morning, and didn't know how to react. The trigger is not important, but I had an hour or two of hell to live through as I relived old feelings, hurt, etc. until such time as we had a chance to talk.

During this 1-2 hours of hell, I suddenly realized that I was slipping into my "old" ways, have gained a few pounds back, and other minor changes had been happening. Then I recalled all the advice I had read about bettering myself, and how much that would ultimately help me in the long run, regardless of my marriage situation. Needless to say, it was a good reminder of what I have accomplished, and I am now refocused on myself, on ME, the same way I was during my hell experienced after dday.

During our "talk" about this trigger, she said she has nothing to hide, I can see anything I want, etc. - I simply told her that while I have made the decision to trust her completely, there would be triggers that happen where I may need reassurance.

Don't know if any of this makes sense (that's why it's "random thoughts") but I wanted to share a little and see if others had made significant changes in their lives after dday, and find themselves slipping during the R process.

thanks for reading and any comments or thoughts!
Triggers do happen. We just have to try to get through them.

When you say you "recognise the EA for what it was" what, exactly "was it"? Who decided on its definition? You? Your wife? Both of you?
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Old 08-17-2013, 09:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: just some random thoughts

I'm so glad you posted. I have been having flashbacks of pain and insecurity as well despite the fact our marriage is better than ever. My H is super understanding and empathetic to my "panic attacks". This helps me tremendously.
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Old 08-17-2013, 11:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: just some random thoughts

OP,

Triggers happen.

Since you both have agreed to R, the relationship takes two individuals. So your wife needs to be transparent and you need to put her A behind and move. She should understand that you may have triggers and she needs to deal with that as well. That is on her.

I just get the feeling that you have not completely cured. Heal yourself. And stand tall.
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Old 08-17-2013, 11:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: just some random thoughts

OP, might be time to D?
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Old 08-18-2013, 11:47 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: just some random thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by angrybuttrying View Post
Posted several times, but basically my wife had an EA after 16 years of marriage, short-term, was ready to turn it into a PA, I found out, confronted her, she did the NC, and I've gone through hell and back - like many of you.

We've reconciled, and have moved on, but I still have triggers that occasionally come up. Problem is that we have agreed, after much discussion and counseling, to put the EA behind us, recognize it for what it was, and both of us have made signficant changes in our lives = better marriage overall. I consider it, so far, a success story for many reasons. Perhaps the biggest reason, and the point of my post, is that I am a better person.

After dday, and after much counseling and self-help, I lost tons of weight, became more actively involved in my kids' lifes, ceased countless unhealthy addictions/habits, and have gained tremendous confidence in myself as a person. This certainly has contributed to the reconciliation as well.

I experienced a sizeable trigger this morning, and didn't know how to react. The trigger is not important, but I had an hour or two of hell to live through as I relived old feelings, hurt, etc. until such time as we had a chance to talk.

During this 1-2 hours of hell, I suddenly realized that I was slipping into my "old" ways, have gained a few pounds back, and other minor changes had been happening. Then I recalled all the advice I had read about bettering myself, and how much that would ultimately help me in the long run, regardless of my marriage situation. Needless to say, it was a good reminder of what I have accomplished, and I am now refocused on myself, on ME, the same way I was during my hell experienced after dday.

During our "talk" about this trigger, she said she has nothing to hide, I can see anything I want, etc. - I simply told her that while I have made the decision to trust her completely, there would be triggers that happen where I may need reassurance.

Don't know if any of this makes sense (that's why it's "random thoughts") but I wanted to share a little and see if others had made significant changes in their lives after dday, and find themselves slipping during the R process.

thanks for reading and any comments or thoughts!

I took a class over the summer and the RN teaching class said in working with her recovering patience she tells them" suck it up...we all have bad days". And let me also say that she still gave them care and helped with their physical needs.

What I love about that statement is- it reminded me that everyone has bad days - not just people coping with infidelity. We'd have bad says too if we were not coping with it as well. It helped me realize that a "bad" or "off day" (probably from a trigger) is just that. It helps to not give the trigger and afterthoughts too much control. It actually deflates it for me. Good luck, you are making progress.
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Old 08-19-2013, 07:37 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: just some random thoughts

Thank you for the kind words, and the encouragement! My wife has mentioned to me that at times it seems like I'm on eggshells, and i have to agree with her. I guess in our quest to better ourselves, it's inevitable to convert at times back to our old ways, and the challenge it seems is to recognize it and correct thoughts and feelings and behaviors. The next challenge is to preempt the "conversion backwards" and not let it happen. Guess this has to take time and effort, and like anything worth having, will be difficult to do at times.

My timeline was EA began slowly late last year, dday was early this year (3 months exactly after they met), total Hell for 3 months - IC, MC, self-help books, learning about the EA, questioning, bitterness, anger, everyone here likely knows the emotional roller-coaster ride, then a conscious decision on both our parts to heal the marriage and move forward with our relationship (ironically, exactly 3 months after dday. I guess i call this the beginning of our new marriage, which has been going on for about 3 1/2 months now.

We've had arguments, even slightly escalated fighting, lots of heart to hearts of open discourse about boundaries and triggers, etc. As I mentioned in my originally post, it's hard to not let the triggers get the best of me. But like someone said, everyone has bad days, so I just try to suck it up, focus on my kids, my health, working out, my work, etc. and wait for more time to pass.

I'm optimistic about the future, but certainly have days of worry. As life presents new challenges and obstacles, it is increasingly important for me to ensure I'm in better shape overall to handle them.

Thanks again for the words of encouragement. It's nice (but certainly unfortunate) to know that others can empathize with me.

By the way, I have to tell someone - scanned through her emails this weekend, and did not see one indication that she has either contacted or been contacted by the OM. This gives me further comfort that my trust, while sometimes "forced," is not misplaced.

Thanks!
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Old 08-19-2013, 07:52 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: just some random thoughts

Angry,

You are still very early yet in your R. Triggers are going to be something you deal with for quite some time. They seem to come out of nowhere and at the most inopportune times. "Putting it behind you" is probably not in your best interest at the moment. It's like suturing up an infected wound. The infection just gets so bad that all that pus has to go somewhere eventually. If you don't deal with it now, it will get worse down the road. Yes, it's nice to be able to say you got past something, but only if everything is truly resolved, which could take years. It takes work and understanding from both of you. You need to understand that even if things are going well between you, these triggers can pop up. She needs to understand your feelings when it happens and be there for you to help you get through it.
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