Infidelity and all the lies
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Infidelity and all the lies

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree11Likes
  • 1 Post By 5Creed
  • 1 Post By thatbpguy
  • 1 Post By life101
  • 1 Post By 5Creed
  • 1 Post By workindad
  • 2 Post By ing
  • 1 Post By MattMatt
  • 3 Post By pepsi1967

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-16-2013, 12:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 170
Default Infidelity and all the lies

I want to share what has happened in the last week~this is for all the BS's out there. First let me say that I applaud those for the very hard and long road of reconciliation if that is what you have chosen after a spouse has been unfaithful to you. I hope that those who have decided to stay in their marriage will have a good outcome and also to those who decide to divorce.

I have been separated from my husband for over two years now. We had a house that needed to sell and were just trying to figure out where we each needed to be with our 27 years together-that last two apart as I moved to another state with my kids after I found out about his affair with his co-worker. We have gone back and forth and I have literally been in limbo with my main concern not wanting my children to grow up without their father. So, we have discussed getting back together although I was well aware that he had been talking to other women on a foreign dating site since two months after I left. I have been confused for so long about where my marriage and life was headed but am no longer.

This summer, one of my daughters was having a crisis which made it necessary for me to go back to his state for a few days as she was visiting him. He tried to come on to me, but thank God I said no. I told him we needed to get our issues figured out first and make a final decision. He would be open, there were no secrets between us anymore, he didn't feel a lot of anything for this second other woman, etc. I started to buy it and believe it. I told him complete transparency was necessary-passwords, FB, email all open and he agreed saying he had nothing to hide at all.

He left his secret email account open one day and yes; I looked. What I saw was shocking and I still can not believe that this man is the same person I used to know. He has been talking and meeting up with over the past year four different women, is trying to get one to move to the US from her country to be his "life partner.", wants to give one a baby(!) He is in his early 50's and has five children already, has been telling two of them how much he loves them, misses them, and the usual sex talk of course. He has blamed me completely for the failure of the marriage and said the only reason was that I was unhappy for some reason, he never really loved me, etc. I am amazed that these women believe that as for me; I admit that I was a part of the failure of this marriage as it takes two, but what he is saying is he had *nothing* to do with the breakdown of it. He did nothing wrong and can't figure out what my problem was according to him. One of these women's husband had an affair with a co-worker also. My husband comforted her, said he felt so bad for her, he should never have betrayed her like that and on and on. Totally unbelievable! (the karma bus hit him last year when he wired over $4000 to a woman in China that he never got back of course!)

The saddest thing is he tells his kids he can not take any extra days off work to come and see them extra as he has no money. He is in a health related field and very successful and has been taking many trips to visit these women overseas or fly them here and paying for all expenses but can't stay an extra day or two to see his own children.

I guess I want to put out a be wary at all times warning for those of you starting to trust again. When I read people post: "I never thought he/she would do this in a million years!" Well; that is me. My whole vision of him has been shattered. He lies to me, these other women, his children and his parents as he is Catholic and will not tell them he has girlfriends-yes; he told me this himself.

I have not confronted him and will not. I am moving forward and not looking back and protecting my children as much as I can. I will never talk bad about him as they are young and don't need to know that their Dad chooses others over him. It hurts my heart to the core as I want to scream out what a d*** he has been. I am also so relieved I read what I did. I would have questioned getting back together or not with him for the rest of my life.

He still tells me all the time how very happy he is now. Duping everyone around you and putting up a false pretense of who you really are-if you even know!-does not make you happy in my book.

I am truly moving on and am done putting any of my time or focus on him. No more wondering and questioning any decisions about this marriage.

I so dislike the pain and lies of betrayal. Please protect yourself whatever path you take!
5Creed is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-16-2013, 12:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: central US, not unicorn fantasy land
Posts: 925
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

It is painful that you found out this information, but in the long-term, it is better that you have some of the truth. Have you decided to file for divorce? I would have a hard time not filing for divorce in this situation.
harrybrown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 12:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,328
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

Op sorry for the spot you are in. I would have a hard time trying to continue R of any kind given his true intentions.

The process of D sucks but if I can find happiness after it... Others can as well.

All the best.
WD
Posted via Mobile Device
workindad is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 12:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 170
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

harrybrown: Yes-I have filed and in fact already did two years ago; it was just put on hold until all the other stuff was figured out and I am so thankful for having the truth.

workindad: Now that I know, there is no way I would go back to him. The process does suck, but glad to know you are happy and I feel I will be too. Thanks.
5Creed is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 02:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
thatbpguy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,580
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by 5Creed View Post
I want to share what has happened in the last week~this is for all the BS's out there. First let me say that I applaud those for the very hard and long road of reconciliation if that is what you have chosen after a spouse has been unfaithful to you. I hope that those who have decided to stay in their marriage will have a good outcome and also to those who decide to divorce.

I have been separated from my husband for over two years now. We had a house that needed to sell and were just trying to figure out where we each needed to be with our 27 years together-that last two apart as I moved to another state with my kids after I found out about his affair with his co-worker. We have gone back and forth and I have literally been in limbo with my main concern not wanting my children to grow up without their father. So, we have discussed getting back together although I was well aware that he had been talking to other women on a foreign dating site since two months after I left. I have been confused for so long about where my marriage and life was headed but am no longer.

This summer, one of my daughters was having a crisis which made it necessary for me to go back to his state for a few days as she was visiting him. He tried to come on to me, but thank God I said no. I told him we needed to get our issues figured out first and make a final decision. He would be open, there were no secrets between us anymore, he didn't feel a lot of anything for this second other woman, etc. I started to buy it and believe it. I told him complete transparency was necessary-passwords, FB, email all open and he agreed saying he had nothing to hide at all.

He left his secret email account open one day and yes; I looked. What I saw was shocking and I still can not believe that this man is the same person I used to know. He has been talking and meeting up with over the past year four different women, is trying to get one to move to the US from her country to be his "life partner.", wants to give one a baby(!) He is in his early 50's and has five children already, has been telling two of them how much he loves them, misses them, and the usual sex talk of course. He has blamed me completely for the failure of the marriage and said the only reason was that I was unhappy for some reason, he never really loved me, etc. I am amazed that these women believe that as for me; I admit that I was a part of the failure of this marriage as it takes two, but what he is saying is he had *nothing* to do with the breakdown of it. He did nothing wrong and can't figure out what my problem was according to him. One of these women's husband had an affair with a co-worker also. My husband comforted her, said he felt so bad for her, he should never have betrayed her like that and on and on. Totally unbelievable! (the karma bus hit him last year when he wired over $4000 to a woman in China that he never got back of course!)

The saddest thing is he tells his kids he can not take any extra days off work to come and see them extra as he has no money. He is in a health related field and very successful and has been taking many trips to visit these women overseas or fly them here and paying for all expenses but can't stay an extra day or two to see his own children.

I guess I want to put out a be wary at all times warning for those of you starting to trust again. When I read people post: "I never thought he/she would do this in a million years!" Well; that is me. My whole vision of him has been shattered. He lies to me, these other women, his children and his parents as he is Catholic and will not tell them he has girlfriends-yes; he told me this himself.

I have not confronted him and will not. I am moving forward and not looking back and protecting my children as much as I can. I will never talk bad about him as they are young and don't need to know that their Dad chooses others over him. It hurts my heart to the core as I want to scream out what a d*** he has been. I am also so relieved I read what I did. I would have questioned getting back together or not with him for the rest of my life.

He still tells me all the time how very happy he is now. Duping everyone around you and putting up a false pretense of who you really are-if you even know!-does not make you happy in my book.

I am truly moving on and am done putting any of my time or focus on him. No more wondering and questioning any decisions about this marriage.

I so dislike the pain and lies of betrayal. Please protect yourself whatever path you take!
Like 99% of betrayers, he's an addict. And addicts are liars and live in self denial.
thatbpguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 03:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 170
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

thatbpguy: I am beginning to realize this. I wonder how many betrayers truly regret down the road the pain they have caused their spouses and children when they are indulging their selfish needs? My husband is certainly in denial about so much. His problem not mine though.
5Creed is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 03:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
life101's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 438
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

5Creed, I got just one thing to say- Welcome to light.
life101 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 04:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 170
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

michzz-I am not Catholic so am not too worried about it. He, however puts on a public face and in the community of what a very good churchgoer and Catholic he is...just another facade for the world to see. And I will no longer try to get him to see his kids more. I would rather he not right now with the way he is acting.
5Creed is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 04:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 170
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

life101: Those three words just made me cry.

Yes!! I am getting out of this two year hellhole I have been in and climbing out to the light. Looking forward to getting better and moving on with my life! Thank you~
5Creed is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 04:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,328
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

OP, you have a plan, that is a good step. You will be better off in the end! Stay focused on the new opportunity that you have to wipe the slate clean and start new minus the cheating spouse.

Make the very best of it!
workindad is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 08:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,524
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

Dear 5Creed ~

I feel your pain and understand exactly what you are going through and yes, it does feel horrible. The feelings of betrayal, deceit and rejection are very tough to get over.

He sounds a lot like my WH in terms of being outwardly charming to others. Look up characteristics of a sociopath and you may see some familiar traits.

I wish you and your children the very best.

Be Strong !!!
__________________
Our lives can change with every breath we take.
VeryHurt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 09:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
ing
Member
 
ing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,185
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

I too have been down this road. It is very hard to let go easily after a lifetime together. It is very hard to wipe them out of your life. But, like you, there came a point where no matter how much you felt that you should give them a chance, that they may see the truth. You realize they never will.
You reailze with almost a sigh of relief that you are done.

You no longer want to hear lies, you no longer want to subject yourself to hurtful words and actions.
You can no longer be there for that person, even for the kids future.

In two years a lot happens. New friends, new jobs, even your new wardrobe. Old things, slipping away.

I was looking at a jacket I bought just after Dday two and a half years ago, it was worn out, and with that something let go inside me.

It is funny how little things can make a difference.

The peace I feel now is palpable.

The world is different now.

Landslide. Karise Eden

Last edited by ing; 08-16-2013 at 09:27 PM. Reason: grammer and speeling
ing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 09:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 9,960
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

Your husband is an utter dastard, in my opinion!
dastard - definition of dastard by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.
a contemptible sneaking coward
__________________
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-16-2013, 09:53 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
pepsi1967's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: north carolina
Posts: 41
Default Re: Infidelity and all the lies

5creed, I wish I had been handed an opportunity to see real proof of what I feel to be true in my heart. my Ex swears he did not betray me but something tells me otherwise. I sometimes live with doubt because he won't confess and come clean. I hear the words over and over in my head, the MC said, I am sorry but your husband has a lot of secrets. who wants to live like that....good for you for finding out. move on and getting ready for the blessings to come.
pepsi1967 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Lies Lies Lies ~ Why People Lie ~ how much is acceptable to you ? SimplyAmorous General Relationship Discussion 22 10-18-2012 05:54 PM
Fiance Unhappy with everything- LIES LIES LIES Line595 Physical & Mental Health Issues 3 03-13-2012 01:06 AM
I want to believe him.. lies / possible infidelity HowToTrust General Relationship Discussion 10 12-03-2011 03:37 PM
Emotional infidelity and lies in relationship Chimera Coping with Infidelity 1 04-25-2010 11:05 AM
Years of Infidelity...lies...immaturity STELL Going Through Divorce or Separation 3 03-13-2010 10:42 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:30 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage