she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?
Hi, i've been reading the forums for a few weeks now. And now i'm ready to make my first post.
I guess i should start off with some information about my wife and I. We're both 28, no kids, married for 3 years, together for 10, known eachother for 14. We started dating right after high school. During our relationship we've always shown eachother love, respect and affection. It was like we never got out of the honeymoon phase of our relationship. That all changed 13 months ago.
Every Tuesday night i would go out for a boys night out. Normally just to each others' house for beer, poker, movie or sports. I would always be home by 11pm because i knew my loving caring wife would be waiting for me. Well one night she said she was invited to go out with her coworkers. I told her to have fun and joked that i would be the one waiting for her to come home drunk this time.
I got home that night alittle before 11 and texted her to let her know. She came home not to long after with tears in her eyes and i knew something was wrong. She kept saying she was sorry and she loved me but wouldn't tell me what was wrong. After pressing the issue some more it finally came out. She cheated on me with her one of her coworkers.
She claims she had to much to drink and ended up in the backseat of her car with him going down on her. When he tried to have sex with her thats when she snapped out of her drunken stupor and pushed him off. After that she came home. She swears that they didn't have sex. I didn't believe her story at the time and i'm not sure if still do.
I barraged her with questions of how and why she would do this to me, to us and our future. Each time she responded with she didn't know what she was thinking or she was sorry. Each time i kept getting angrier and angrier. Until i snapped and hit her. I then grabbed her hand and forcefully removed her ring. And in the process broke 2 of her fingers and caused her to wet herself, which i wouldn't find out about until later. Before this i would of never harm my wife but i just had my world completely turned upside down. I left the house and went to stay at my best friend's house.
I couldn't sleep that night and stayed up crying with murderous and suicidal thoughts. I ignored every text and call my wife made until i my phone died. In the morning I was overcame by more anger and rage. I charged my phone called in personal time at work and started emailing and calling all our friends and family. In my mind she was having a full blown affair, didn't love me and wanted to leave me so thats what i told everyone. Next i informed her boss, who is the gay partner of my uncle, and got them both fired. Then i looked up the OMW on fb and sent her msg. It felt good to out her but i wish my facts where straight and my mind/mouth didn't run wild. I didn't know what to believe anymore and i just assumed the worse.
I stayed at my friend's house for a few nights with other friends and family dropping by to show their support for me. Everyone couldn't believe my wife would do such a thing and they instantly cut her off. Some, like my younger sister, even called my wife and left nasty msgs. I told them I would handle my wife and i didn't want them get involved.
When i returned home my wife was in bed, and looked like she had not eaten, slept or left the bed in days. I was only gone for 3 days. She cried and tried to speak to me when she saw me but i told her i didn't want to talk to her until she got a STD test. Thats when i noticed her hand, and i knew i had gone to far. I didn't apologize but i told her i would go with her to the hospital for her test and they could fix her hand too.
The days waiting for the test results where stressful. She didn't have a job or friends anymore. Her parents were disappointed to say the least and my family hated her. I avoided her and slept in the guess room. When the tests came back clean i told her we could start talking. She kept to her story that they didn't have sex and would do anything to make this marriage work.
We sought out a MC and ICs. She knew what she had done changed me and i would need help controling my anger. So we started attending every week sessions. They were hard and painful and at times it seemed like i couldn't let go of the bitterness and resentment. During this time i had been talking to my wife's best friend for insight on how she could hurt me so much. The 3 of us all knew each other from high school and she was the bride's maid at our wedding. She was disgusted by my wife's action and lost all respect for her. They didn't speak after DDay.
2 months into R and counseling the OW and I found ourselves having feelings for the one another and acted on them. I was still having issues and my mind was still running wild. I thought of myself as the plan b to my wife and blamed myself for alot of things. It didn't help that my wife and i weren't having sex. That took a huge blow to my ego, before this we were having sex 3-5 times a day. I didn't want to make it seem like i would leave her if she didn't have sex with me. And she didn't initiate which made me think she wanted the OM.
The OW made me feel loved and she showed that she cared for me in a way that my wife didn't. Just because my wife willingly told me what happend that night and gave me her phone/internet pw doesn't mean she loves me. To me it meant she was feeling guilty. There was nothing she did at the time that didn't make me second guess it. Was she staying out of pity/guilt or cause she loved me.
We carried on our affair up until 2 weeks ago. By then my marriage was doing great and my issues were solved for the most part. But why am i still seeing the OW? I just couldn't let go of OW. I'd grown too attached. I couldn't leave my wife either because we're finally back in a loving relationship.
Wife and I went to dinner 2 weeks ago and i ran into OM there. As soon as i saw him i told my wife we had to leave. On the drive home she apologized for hurting me and putting me through this. And said if our marriage was going to work that i had to move on, and thats when i lost it. I told her everything about my affair, and how it wasn't her or the counseling that made it better, it was another women.
She assured me that we could work this out and that she would forgive me if i truly wanted this marriage to work. I told her i wasn't sure what i wanted anymore and that i wanted to get separated so i could figure it all out. She agreed to give me space as long as i wasn't seeing OW.
Wife has been staying at our parents for 2 weeks, and i haven't broken up with OW but i'm not seeing her either. I told OW that i need space from her too so i could come to a decision by myself on who i wanted to be with. Both women are hurt by my actions but don't want to give me up. My wife has threaten to expose OW like i did to her.
I don't know what to do. Somedays i think it would be easier to start over with OW. Maybe its the fog talking i can't be so sure now.
I know both women don't deserve what i'm putting them through but i can't see my life without either one. I even thought about having a poly relationship but that would just add more fuel to the fire. So where do i go from here? I start my new IC next week. I hope someone here can give me some sound advice in the meantime.