she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-16-2013, 06:43 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

Hi, i've been reading the forums for a few weeks now. And now i'm ready to make my first post.

I guess i should start off with some information about my wife and I. We're both 28, no kids, married for 3 years, together for 10, known eachother for 14. We started dating right after high school. During our relationship we've always shown eachother love, respect and affection. It was like we never got out of the honeymoon phase of our relationship. That all changed 13 months ago.

Every Tuesday night i would go out for a boys night out. Normally just to each others' house for beer, poker, movie or sports. I would always be home by 11pm because i knew my loving caring wife would be waiting for me. Well one night she said she was invited to go out with her coworkers. I told her to have fun and joked that i would be the one waiting for her to come home drunk this time.

I got home that night alittle before 11 and texted her to let her know. She came home not to long after with tears in her eyes and i knew something was wrong. She kept saying she was sorry and she loved me but wouldn't tell me what was wrong. After pressing the issue some more it finally came out. She cheated on me with her one of her coworkers.

She claims she had to much to drink and ended up in the backseat of her car with him going down on her. When he tried to have sex with her thats when she snapped out of her drunken stupor and pushed him off. After that she came home. She swears that they didn't have sex. I didn't believe her story at the time and i'm not sure if still do.

I barraged her with questions of how and why she would do this to me, to us and our future. Each time she responded with she didn't know what she was thinking or she was sorry. Each time i kept getting angrier and angrier. Until i snapped and hit her. I then grabbed her hand and forcefully removed her ring. And in the process broke 2 of her fingers and caused her to wet herself, which i wouldn't find out about until later. Before this i would of never harm my wife but i just had my world completely turned upside down. I left the house and went to stay at my best friend's house.

I couldn't sleep that night and stayed up crying with murderous and suicidal thoughts. I ignored every text and call my wife made until i my phone died. In the morning I was overcame by more anger and rage. I charged my phone called in personal time at work and started emailing and calling all our friends and family. In my mind she was having a full blown affair, didn't love me and wanted to leave me so thats what i told everyone. Next i informed her boss, who is the gay partner of my uncle, and got them both fired. Then i looked up the OMW on fb and sent her msg. It felt good to out her but i wish my facts where straight and my mind/mouth didn't run wild. I didn't know what to believe anymore and i just assumed the worse.

I stayed at my friend's house for a few nights with other friends and family dropping by to show their support for me. Everyone couldn't believe my wife would do such a thing and they instantly cut her off. Some, like my younger sister, even called my wife and left nasty msgs. I told them I would handle my wife and i didn't want them get involved.

When i returned home my wife was in bed, and looked like she had not eaten, slept or left the bed in days. I was only gone for 3 days. She cried and tried to speak to me when she saw me but i told her i didn't want to talk to her until she got a STD test. Thats when i noticed her hand, and i knew i had gone to far. I didn't apologize but i told her i would go with her to the hospital for her test and they could fix her hand too.

The days waiting for the test results where stressful. She didn't have a job or friends anymore. Her parents were disappointed to say the least and my family hated her. I avoided her and slept in the guess room. When the tests came back clean i told her we could start talking. She kept to her story that they didn't have sex and would do anything to make this marriage work.

We sought out a MC and ICs. She knew what she had done changed me and i would need help controling my anger. So we started attending every week sessions. They were hard and painful and at times it seemed like i couldn't let go of the bitterness and resentment. During this time i had been talking to my wife's best friend for insight on how she could hurt me so much. The 3 of us all knew each other from high school and she was the bride's maid at our wedding. She was disgusted by my wife's action and lost all respect for her. They didn't speak after DDay.

2 months into R and counseling the OW and I found ourselves having feelings for the one another and acted on them. I was still having issues and my mind was still running wild. I thought of myself as the plan b to my wife and blamed myself for alot of things. It didn't help that my wife and i weren't having sex. That took a huge blow to my ego, before this we were having sex 3-5 times a day. I didn't want to make it seem like i would leave her if she didn't have sex with me. And she didn't initiate which made me think she wanted the OM.

The OW made me feel loved and she showed that she cared for me in a way that my wife didn't. Just because my wife willingly told me what happend that night and gave me her phone/internet pw doesn't mean she loves me. To me it meant she was feeling guilty. There was nothing she did at the time that didn't make me second guess it. Was she staying out of pity/guilt or cause she loved me.

We carried on our affair up until 2 weeks ago. By then my marriage was doing great and my issues were solved for the most part. But why am i still seeing the OW? I just couldn't let go of OW. I'd grown too attached. I couldn't leave my wife either because we're finally back in a loving relationship.

Wife and I went to dinner 2 weeks ago and i ran into OM there. As soon as i saw him i told my wife we had to leave. On the drive home she apologized for hurting me and putting me through this. And said if our marriage was going to work that i had to move on, and thats when i lost it. I told her everything about my affair, and how it wasn't her or the counseling that made it better, it was another women.

She assured me that we could work this out and that she would forgive me if i truly wanted this marriage to work. I told her i wasn't sure what i wanted anymore and that i wanted to get separated so i could figure it all out. She agreed to give me space as long as i wasn't seeing OW.

Wife has been staying at our parents for 2 weeks, and i haven't broken up with OW but i'm not seeing her either. I told OW that i need space from her too so i could come to a decision by myself on who i wanted to be with. Both women are hurt by my actions but don't want to give me up. My wife has threaten to expose OW like i did to her.

I don't know what to do. Somedays i think it would be easier to start over with OW. Maybe its the fog talking i can't be so sure now.

I know both women don't deserve what i'm putting them through but i can't see my life without either one. I even thought about having a poly relationship but that would just add more fuel to the fire. So where do i go from here? I start my new IC next week. I hope someone here can give me some sound advice in the meantime.
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Old 08-16-2013, 06:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

I realized this thread will be bias. It was never my intent and i will try to have a open mind when posting. Also my first post took me hours to write since its such an emotional topic for me and i had to stop a few times. I will read and respond to as many replies as i can but just writing and rereading all this has left me drained.
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Old 08-16-2013, 06:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

I think you should divorce your wife. It appears that for you, the marriage ended when she cheated.

Your current affair is a safe place for you and it allows you to strike back at your wife and hurt her.

That says to me that you've fallen out of love with her, otherwise you would be stricken with remorse for your own affair.

Just divorce her, and dump the OW. That's not a relationship, it's her taking advantage to move in on you, and you using her to hurt your wife.
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Old 08-16-2013, 07:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

You seem to be pretty clear on the wrongs that your wife has done, but seem to be justified in what you have done. I get the impression that you feel entitled to have an affair, as if it was therapy. Additionally, your physical abuse of your wife is a deplorable as well as criminal action. There is never a reason for you to have done that, I don't care what she has done.

It is hard to tell from one posting, but there seems to be some anger-management issues that need addressed. Also you need to spend the next 30 days to decide what you want to do. My advise is to end one relationship before you start another with anybody. Additionally, the OW....if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you.
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Old 08-16-2013, 07:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

You started thinking with your little head rather than your big head and made matters worse. Two wrongs don't make a right and I know how angry you were but you broke her fingers to get the ring off her hand. Chances are if you would have asked, she would have given it back.

Right now your still not thinking with your big head by still seeing the OMW. You want to see her? Fine, do it, but have the common decency to get a divorce. There's no way you can keep up this juggling act and find a clear mind. End it with your wife or patch it up with her but your making yourself look real bad playing one against the other.
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Old 08-16-2013, 07:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

One night stand v long term affair?

Is yours a revenge affair? I don't think so. Yes, I have personal knowledge of a revenge affair, mine, so I do have -sadly- some expertise in this.

You need to be honest with us, your wife, OW and with yourself.
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Old 08-16-2013, 07:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

Shaggy:
I never wanted to hurt my wife. I know how stupid that sounds but i didn't have an affair with the intent to hurt her or get even. And i never blamed my affair on her infidelity. My affair started because i was lonely, lack of communication and as a way to feel good about myself. It continued because i was selfish. I feel remorse at putting her through so much and being a hypocrite in the end.

VFW:
I don't know if it was therapeutically helping but the affair did make me forget about my problems while i was with OW. If anything it was addictive like a drug.
After Dday 1, i went to IC for anger mangement. I know what i did was wrong and i can never make it right. I can only fix myself so that it never happens again. I'm also not sure if you can put down a time limit on my decision. When i start my new IC next week it will already be 19 days since our separation.

6301:
I'm was not seeing the OMW, i was seeing my wife's best friend. At the moment only her family and my family knows why we're separated. I wish i had the courage to tell everyone so they could judge me and snap me back to reality.

MattMatt:
I thought RA was just the term used around here.
Its hard for me to be honest with anyone since i'm unsure of what i want.
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Old 08-16-2013, 08:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

Hmm, your ow makes you feel loved, but does she actually know you? Does she know that if she p$sses you off you might break her arm? Since you really don't seem to feel bad about breaking her fingers, at least not bad enough to apologize for it, that leads me to believe that you think she deserved it. .It really says a lot about you though; get help for your anger now before you do more physical damage. .And dump the ow, right you're both on your best behavior, but that will change eventually and if you're going to get violent when someone does something crappy you're going to end up in jail. Eventually someone will get on this thread and say " well she should have kept her legs closed", because some men do seem to feel that way, but that's not going to end well for you. .Dump the ow, who is nothing but trash that dates married men, separate from your wife, get anger help, and give some thought to what you want.
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Old 08-16-2013, 08:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

"At the moment only her family and my family knows why we're separated."

Do they just know about her one time allowing OM to perform oral sex on her or do they know about your decision to have a Full sex affair with her Best Friend and continue it. Plus be violent to her breaking her fingers??

As a Father I would be upset with my daughter for her 1 time cheat which she confessed immediately to!!! But if a man(husband/boyfriend) laid a hand on my daughter let alone broke her fingers and then had an affair with her best friend.....I would be going to jail but so would you.

No matter how much you profess to love your wife considering no children both of you need to separate and take a deep look at yourselves---especially you!!
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Old 08-16-2013, 08:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

I don't even know where to start. You drug your wife through the mud and it took you how long to man up and admit what you did.

Have you been checked for stds? You had no right to risk your wife's health or to pretend to be working on the marriage.

Dump ow ASAP. You used her to feel good about yourself and that's it.

Decide if your marriage is worth saving. If yes come clean about everything to your wife and end the separation. Do not leave her hanging in limbo.

Send her here as well.

Do not touch a woman in anger again. No excuse for that. They tend to be smaller than males and get hurt easier as you found out.

Also man your a$$ up and expose yourself just like you did her.
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Old 08-16-2013, 08:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tainted View Post
Hi, i've been reading the forums for a few weeks now. And now i'm ready to make my first post.

I guess i should start off with some information about my wife and I. We're both 28, no kids, married for 3 years, together for 10, known eachother for 14. We started dating right after high school. During our relationship we've always shown eachother love, respect and affection. It was like we never got out of the honeymoon phase of our relationship. That all changed 13 months ago.

Every Tuesday night i would go out for a boys night out. Normally just to each others' house for beer, poker, movie or sports. I would always be home by 11pm because i knew my loving caring wife would be waiting for me. Well one night she said she was invited to go out with her coworkers. I told her to have fun and joked that i would be the one waiting for her to come home drunk this time.

I got home that night alittle before 11 and texted her to let her know. She came home not to long after with tears in her eyes and i knew something was wrong. She kept saying she was sorry and she loved me but wouldn't tell me what was wrong. After pressing the issue some more it finally came out. She cheated on me with her one of her coworkers.

She claims she had to much to drink and ended up in the backseat of her car with him going down on her. When he tried to have sex with her thats when she snapped out of her drunken stupor and pushed him off. After that she came home. She swears that they didn't have sex. I didn't believe her story at the time and i'm not sure if still do.

I barraged her with questions of how and why she would do this to me, to us and our future. Each time she responded with she didn't know what she was thinking or she was sorry. Each time i kept getting angrier and angrier. Until i snapped and hit her. I then grabbed her hand and forcefully removed her ring. And in the process broke 2 of her fingers and caused her to wet herself, which i wouldn't find out about until later. Before this i would of never harm my wife but i just had my world completely turned upside down. I left the house and went to stay at my best friend's house.

I couldn't sleep that night and stayed up crying with murderous and suicidal thoughts. I ignored every text and call my wife made until i my phone died. In the morning I was overcame by more anger and rage. I charged my phone called in personal time at work and started emailing and calling all our friends and family. In my mind she was having a full blown affair, didn't love me and wanted to leave me so thats what i told everyone. Next i informed her boss, who is the gay partner of my uncle, and got them both fired. Then i looked up the OMW on fb and sent her msg. It felt good to out her but i wish my facts where straight and my mind/mouth didn't run wild. I didn't know what to believe anymore and i just assumed the worse.

I stayed at my friend's house for a few nights with other friends and family dropping by to show their support for me. Everyone couldn't believe my wife would do such a thing and they instantly cut her off. Some, like my younger sister, even called my wife and left nasty msgs. I told them I would handle my wife and i didn't want them get involved.

When i returned home my wife was in bed, and looked like she had not eaten, slept or left the bed in days. I was only gone for 3 days. She cried and tried to speak to me when she saw me but i told her i didn't want to talk to her until she got a STD test. Thats when i noticed her hand, and i knew i had gone to far. I didn't apologize but i told her i would go with her to the hospital for her test and they could fix her hand too.

The days waiting for the test results where stressful. She didn't have a job or friends anymore. Her parents were disappointed to say the least and my family hated her. I avoided her and slept in the guess room. When the tests came back clean i told her we could start talking. She kept to her story that they didn't have sex and would do anything to make this marriage work.

We sought out a MC and ICs. She knew what she had done changed me and i would need help controling my anger. So we started attending every week sessions. They were hard and painful and at times it seemed like i couldn't let go of the bitterness and resentment. During this time i had been talking to my wife's best friend for insight on how she could hurt me so much. The 3 of us all knew each other from high school and she was the bride's maid at our wedding. She was disgusted by my wife's action and lost all respect for her. They didn't speak after DDay.

2 months into R and counseling the OW and I found ourselves having feelings for the one another and acted on them. I was still having issues and my mind was still running wild. I thought of myself as the plan b to my wife and blamed myself for alot of things. It didn't help that my wife and i weren't having sex. That took a huge blow to my ego, before this we were having sex 3-5 times a day. I didn't want to make it seem like i would leave her if she didn't have sex with me. And she didn't initiate which made me think she wanted the OM.

The OW made me feel loved and she showed that she cared for me in a way that my wife didn't. Just because my wife willingly told me what happend that night and gave me her phone/internet pw doesn't mean she loves me. To me it meant she was feeling guilty. There was nothing she did at the time that didn't make me second guess it. Was she staying out of pity/guilt or cause she loved me.

We carried on our affair up until 2 weeks ago. By then my marriage was doing great and my issues were solved for the most part. But why am i still seeing the OW? I just couldn't let go of OW. I'd grown too attached. I couldn't leave my wife either because we're finally back in a loving relationship.

Wife and I went to dinner 2 weeks ago and i ran into OM there. As soon as i saw him i told my wife we had to leave. On the drive home she apologized for hurting me and putting me through this. And said if our marriage was going to work that i had to move on, and thats when i lost it. I told her everything about my affair, and how it wasn't her or the counseling that made it better, it was another women.

She assured me that we could work this out and that she would forgive me if i truly wanted this marriage to work. I told her i wasn't sure what i wanted anymore and that i wanted to get separated so i could figure it all out. She agreed to give me space as long as i wasn't seeing OW.

Wife has been staying at our parents for 2 weeks, and i haven't broken up with OW but i'm not seeing her either. I told OW that i need space from her too so i could come to a decision by myself on who i wanted to be with. Both women are hurt by my actions but don't want to give me up. My wife has threaten to expose OW like i did to her.

I don't know what to do. Somedays i think it would be easier to start over with OW. Maybe its the fog talking i can't be so sure now.

I know both women don't deserve what i'm putting them through but i can't see my life without either one. I even thought about having a poly relationship but that would just add more fuel to the fire. So where do i go from here? I start my new IC next week. I hope someone here can give me some sound advice in the meantime.
Break up with the other woman AND your wife. You're young with no kids. The world is your oyster.
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Old 08-16-2013, 08:31 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tainted View Post
Shaggy:
I never wanted to hurt my wife. I know how stupid that sounds but i didn't have an affair with the intent to hurt her or get even. And i never blamed my affair on her infidelity. My affair started because i was lonely, lack of communication and as a way to feel good about myself. It continued because i was selfish. I feel remorse at putting her through so much and being a hypocrite in the end.

VFW:
I don't know if it was therapeutically helping but the affair did make me forget about my problems while i was with OW. If anything it was addictive like a drug.
After Dday 1, i went to IC for anger mangement. I know what i did was wrong and i can never make it right. I can only fix myself so that it never happens again. I'm also not sure if you can put down a time limit on my decision. When i start my new IC next week it will already be 19 days since our separation.

6301:
I'm was not seeing the OMW, i was seeing my wife's best friend. At the moment only her family and my family knows why we're separated. I wish i had the courage to tell everyone so they could judge me and snap me back to reality.

MattMatt:
I thought RA was just the term used around here.
Its hard for me to be honest with anyone since i'm unsure of what i want.
Oh, it is. But you have gone way beyond a revenge affair, in my opinion.
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Old 08-16-2013, 08:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

You have overdone it.

Your wife is devastated. She's going to be losing her husband and her best friend. She'll experience betrayal so deep that it'll take her years to recover.

When you broke her fingers, took back the ring, exposed her to everyone, she stayed. She was working on reconciliation with you which you accepted. But she was doing it without the full knowledge of your actions.

You need to work on yourself to become a better person.
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Old 08-16-2013, 09:25 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

Oh sh!t! Your wife's best friend? My bad Thought it was OMW. Your bad. Your wife's best friend. My God man you go from the frying pan to the fire.

You got some "splaining" to do. How you thought that would help is beyond me. Well now you have the courage and told everyone except the one person who needs to know and if you read these threads, your being judged and when you decide to get back into reality, your going to really hate yourself. You went far and beyond getting back at your wife and maybe the tumble with her best friend but I'll bet your not feeling real hip now.

What your wife did was wrong and not only does she know it but all of us do too. She may forgive you and you may forgive her but when you slip that ring on her finger and look at her hand, your going to have to live with that every day. I wish you luck
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Old 08-16-2013, 10:59 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?

Personally, I've got no sympathy for you. You hit a woman and broke her hand. I have very little tolerance for guys that hit girls. And I don't give a sh*t how hurt and upset you were. What would have hurt worse for a woman is if you would have gotten up and left without saying a word or doing anything else.
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