Need some help with wife having a second affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-01-2010, 11:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Need some help with wife having a second affair

My wife had an affair on me 9 years ago and another 1 1/2 years ago. I just found out about the this last affair. The first time she had an affair we never discussed it. We pushed it under the carpet and I surpressed my feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger. 1 year 1/2 ago she a a second affair. At first she denied it but I kept asking her and persisting she tell me the truth. After several months she admitted to the second affair. I feel so much pain and not sure if I can ever trust her again. Over the last nine years I will admit that we lost the emotional connection in our marraige. I've been seperated from her for three months but I can't seem to pull away from her. We both still love each other. We've been having marital relations even though we are seperated and we seem to have gotten our emotional connection back. Our bond to each other feels so much stronger than it has ever been. However, there is still a peice of me that says this is not right. My head is telling me to run but my heart is telling me to stay. She takes full blame for the affair and admits her mistakes. She tells me she wants this marraige to work and would like to go to marriage marraige counceling. She's been wonderful during the last three months. she's giving me all her email and voicemail passwords, she's offered to wear a tracking device and she checks in with me and tells me where she is. she wants me to trust her again. How can I get through this? Will I ever trust her again? I'm not sure I should give her another chance because I feel she will only hurt me again. I want to start over with a clean slate. I'd like to start over with her but don't know how. How can I get through this?
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Old 02-01-2010, 12:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need some help with wife having a second affair

If you were to start over with someone totally new, you would you be more willing to accept that person's past?
I'm guessing yes.

Your wife "seems" to be trying hard. If you start counseling and she's eager, give it a go.
That forgiveness thing is completely separate. YOU have to get to the point where you can truely forgive her, you said you loved her right?
Of course horrible, but I doubt highly that the purpose for her misdeads were to hurt you allbe them careless.

Decide whether your in or out and then go FULL steam.

You can get "there" and either way, you will get past it as long as you want to.
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Old 02-01-2010, 04:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need some help with wife having a second affair

Ask her to set up a quarterly polygraph test. Tell her that you'll take her back, but the first appointment she misses, you're gone.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need some help with wife having a second affair

Turnera you are such a toughie! But it's a good thought and would hopefully help her realize that her actions and choices have consequences. All she has to do is be true to you.

Likewise take her up on the marriage counseling suggestion...possibly even personal therapy.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need some help with wife having a second affair

You should follow your heart. She appears to be trying hard.

Take her up on the marriage counseling suggestion.

Start a clean slate with her by being honest. Forgiveness is the way to move past this and you will trust her again in time.
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Old 02-02-2010, 01:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need some help with wife having a second affair

I am speaking for myself only, and in no way telling you what to do. For me, once is enough. Twice is unforgiveable. If it ever happened again, I would be gone.

This is a personal decision and obviously trust will be a major issue. If you go down this road of putting it back together again its a long tough road and you will need marriage counseling and good communication with each other.

I wish you all the best
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Old 02-02-2010, 01:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need some help with wife having a second affair

Is she financially dependent on you?

If she is she has a motive/maybe a strong motive to be less than honest about how she feels. If she is NOT then maybe this can work. Why did you sweep the first one under the rug? Were you that intimidated by her? Seriously - no one does that unless they are really afraid of their spouse/emotionally overpowered by them.


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Originally Posted by needhelp123 View Post
My wife had an affair on me 9 years ago and another 1 1/2 years ago. I just found out about the this last affair. The first time she had an affair we never discussed it. We pushed it under the carpet and I surpressed my feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger. 1 year 1/2 ago she a a second affair. At first she denied it but I kept asking her and persisting she tell me the truth. After several months she admitted to the second affair. I feel so much pain and not sure if I can ever trust her again. Over the last nine years I will admit that we lost the emotional connection in our marraige. I've been seperated from her for three months but I can't seem to pull away from her. We both still love each other. We've been having marital relations even though we are seperated and we seem to have gotten our emotional connection back. Our bond to each other feels so much stronger than it has ever been. However, there is still a peice of me that says this is not right. My head is telling me to run but my heart is telling me to stay. She takes full blame for the affair and admits her mistakes. She tells me she wants this marraige to work and would like to go to marriage marraige counceling. She's been wonderful during the last three months. she's giving me all her email and voicemail passwords, she's offered to wear a tracking device and she checks in with me and tells me where she is. she wants me to trust her again. How can I get through this? Will I ever trust her again? I'm not sure I should give her another chance because I feel she will only hurt me again. I want to start over with a clean slate. I'd like to start over with her but don't know how. How can I get through this?
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