My W had an EA that she is acknowledging as a mistake and is giving 100% toward working on our marriage. She has dropped all contact with this person by sending a couple emails ending their contact and has focused on our relationship. We have been doing very well lately.
My obsession has been her ability to just leave this EA in the dust. I know she loves me and wants to be with me, but I also know that for her to do what she did had to have resulted from some very deep emotions for the other person. For her to deceive me and jeopardize our family to be with this other person, this was not just a random silly feeling. I don't think this is just the idea of getting some attention.
Her approach to the situation has been to send the emails mentioned above telling him she couldn't speak with him again, and then trying to forget her feelings she once had. For me, I am still hurting from the thought of what has happened and I fear that the emotions will pop up again.
My thinking is that, if she truly did have feeling so deep that she thought this may be the person she could spend her life with, then just trying to forget it with a couple emails is not going to extinguish that flame. I feel that this needs to be addressed head on. She needs to evaluate the situation as it stands and determine if this person was possibly her "soul mate". I'm not naive enough to think that there couldn't be someone in the world that may be better for my wife than I am. If this is such a person, I want to know now and get this over with rather than finding out 5 years from now that she gave it a try, but you know what, I just can't get over him and she leaves me for this person. I feel like I want her to go ahead and give this a try and determine for herself what she really wants. Is this crazy?
Another thought I am having that makes me feel like a terrible person is that I have told her that I can't be married to someone who has "special feelings" for another person. Even if she does love me and we are having a great time together, I just can't live with someone that is not 100% dedicated to me? I wouldn't expect my wife to want to be with me if I had another woman that I had feelings for either.
I'd appreciate any feedback from this group , as I am starting to feel a bit down on the situation because when i talk about this with my wife, she just ends up getting hurt by having to live through the EA again. She justs wants to sweep it under the rug.
I am going to be a little bit blunt about this speaking to you in loving respect. You are the one with the problem here, not your wife. She is doing the right things to recover from the affair, and you are obsessing. Furthermore, more than once you've said something to the effect that if this guy was her "soulmate" you want to get it over with now. I believe you are looking for a way to end the marriage and blame her. Are you looking for a way out?
If you want a divorce I suggest you continue as you are now, and resentment will eventually grow to the point that she'll leave. That way you can "blame her" for leaving the marriage and take no personal responsibility.
On the other hand, if you want to save this marriage, as I think you do, then I would strongly recommend that you go to personal counseling right away. This is not a "marriage" issue. Please tell the counselor your wife has done all the right things to recover from the affair: maintained no contact, allowed feelings to die, and worked hard to show you she's in it 100%...but that your self-esteem and self-worth is so low that you are blaming her for your feelings of inadequacy. You want reassurance and she has given it to you, yet you refuse to accept it...and that my friend is something YOU need to work on, not her. She's putting in her work--now it's time for you to work on yourself and your lack of self-worth because this is not something that your spouse can give you.
Would you like a referral to a counselor in your area who can help you?
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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
Of course you are confused and wondering if its really over. That's normal. You realize that you are having a problem with it and that she is doing what she can to work on the marriage, so now you just have to find out whats going to make you see how she feels about you.
Has she offered to write you a letter about how she feels about you and your marriage together? Maybe you could try writing to each other about it, that could draw you closer together.
Just throwing it out here, maybe once the EA was discovered, her head came out of the fog and she realized that reality wasn't anywhere to be seen. Then she knew what she really wanted, you!!
Or put it behind you where it belongs! In the past.....
Would be another way to put it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Affaircare
Noona~
I am going to be a little bit blunt about this speaking to you in loving respect. You are the one with the problem here, not your wife. She is doing the right things to recover from the affair, and you are obsessing. Furthermore, more than once you've said something to the effect that if this guy was her "soulmate" you want to get it over with now. I believe you are looking for a way to end the marriage and blame her. Are you looking for a way out?
If you want a divorce I suggest you continue as you are now, and resentment will eventually grow to the point that she'll leave. That way you can "blame her" for leaving the marriage and take no personal responsibility.
On the other hand, if you want to save this marriage, as I think you do, then I would strongly recommend that you go to personal counseling right away. This is not a "marriage" issue. Please tell the counselor your wife has done all the right things to recover from the affair: maintained no contact, allowed feelings to die, and worked hard to show you she's in it 100%...but that your self-esteem and self-worth is so low that you are blaming her for your feelings of inadequacy. You want reassurance and she has given it to you, yet you refuse to accept it...and that my friend is something YOU need to work on, not her. She's putting in her work--now it's time for you to work on yourself and your lack of self-worth because this is not something that your spouse can give you.
Would you like a referral to a counselor in your area who can help you?
1000% good feedback.
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DIE TO THE PAST EVERY MOMENT - TWC
Your wife has a history with you. You mention your family, so I assume you have children. Your wife realized what she was doing to you and your children and made a choice. She did not take the affair to a physical affair. She may have had strong feelings for the other man, but those feelings do not trump the family and the history. Also it does not trump the idea of a future with the other man, if she had destroyed the H she loves and the children whose lives would be forever changed.
You need to count your blessings that she chose not to tear your family apart. She chose to stay and work on your marriage. Your responsibility to her is to do some self examination and figure out what was missing in the marriage that she turned to someone else for emotional support. Why couldn't she turn to you? It is often hard for us to own up to our own faults, and how we contributed to such a desperate move on her part, but you must. If your marriage is to survive you have to own the part you played in this situation, and convince her you realize what you did or did not do, and ask her forgiveness for that. Once you realize the part you played, it'll be easier for you to forgive her and move on.
If you haven't watched "Bridges of Madison County" you should. Your post reminds me a lot of that movie. Good Luck
Noona,
You have to realize your wife did not take it to a physical level, so he fulfilled a need but it wasn't to replace you. Remember she chose you.
I disagree that this is "your problem, not hers" that's absolutely wrong. You honored your vows, she did not. When you let someone in to the relationship, you harm the marriage. You trusted her not to do that. She betrayed that trust and needs to earn it back.
It sounds like you do want this to work out....and believe me I have been there. I caught my H in an EA but didn't address it as such. He doesn't believe EAs exist but he told me he would cut all contact but he didn't and in fact did it in front of me until I found proof of the PA. It went on for a long time and there was some severe emotional abuse involved...believe it or not we are putting it back together and doing ok.
Do I believe he would ever do it again? No I think I've come to that conclusion. Why am I telling you this? Because there is hope but it will take time. Sweeping it under the rug is not fair to you. I suggest marriage counseling, there was an issue to begin with a need that she had so go back to that and fix that so you can have a strong marriage. Its so incredibly hard but let go of the resentment, I suggest taking up a physical activity. I had a lot of resentment but this has helped (believe me ... I went from doing nothing to playing volleyball twice a week and I just finished a 1/2 marathon..thinking of taking kick boxing now on Wed...)
Open communication, without accusing or being angry will help you both.
I am going to be a little bit blunt about this speaking to you in loving respect. You are the one with the problem here, not your wife. She is doing the right things to recover from the affair, and you are obsessing. Furthermore, more than once you've said something to the effect that if this guy was her "soulmate" you want to get it over with now. I believe you are looking for a way to end the marriage and blame her. Are you looking for a way out?
If you want a divorce I suggest you continue as you are now, and resentment will eventually grow to the point that she'll leave. That way you can "blame her" for leaving the marriage and take no personal responsibility.
On the other hand, if you want to save this marriage, as I think you do, then I would strongly recommend that you go to personal counseling right away. This is not a "marriage" issue. Please tell the counselor your wife has done all the right things to recover from the affair: maintained no contact, allowed feelings to die, and worked hard to show you she's in it 100%...but that your self-esteem and self-worth is so low that you are blaming her for your feelings of inadequacy. You want reassurance and she has given it to you, yet you refuse to accept it...and that my friend is something YOU need to work on, not her. She's putting in her work--now it's time for you to work on yourself and your lack of self-worth because this is not something that your spouse can give you.
Would you like a referral to a counselor in your area who can help you?
I think you're right! I have my own issues to deal with that are not being caused by my wife. She is doing the best she can and these issue I am now facing are my own to get through. I now know that I cannot keep going to her to help me solve them because it contradicts what she is trying to accomplish.
Self confidence is the key. I struggle with going from the only person in my wife's life to there being another person in the picture. This was wrong for her to do this, but then again, what's done is done. I need to decide if I can get over the hurt of her betraying me and the fact that she even has to work on getting over someone else. This does stem from inadequacies about how I think my wife now feels about me. I used to be the only person in her life and that's what I signed up for when we married. That's not the case anymore. However, I do love her more than anything and do not want to let her go. I guess I have some things to work through on my own to get over these thoughts.
Thanks again for all the advice, it really helps me think outside of my normal thought patterns (as twisted as they may be sometimes). You guys keep me grounded!
wow, noona, your situation sounds incredibly familiar. just getting thru my H's EA myself and having the same trouble you are. Affaircare gave some great advice and I have been looking in the proverbial mirror lately...wondering if it's me that really wants out.
I used to be the only person in HIS life and that's what I signed up for when we married.... it really hurts to think there's someone else that could make him happy...but it's INSANE to think that there isn't.
I guess this is a struggle between wanting to be with my wife for the rest of my life and getting over my hurt feelings about her wanting someone else.
My heart tells me that she is more important and I should just get over it. My brain is trying to decide if I can forgive what she has done and get over the fact that there was someone else in her life. It sounds like an easy decision on paper, but the hurt inside makes it difficult.
Noona I just wanted to say how very much I respect you. Many people would argue and point fingers rather than look at themselves, and I'm very proud of you.
I want you to know I do personally know exactly what you're going through. To be completely blunt and personal, I had a marriage that ended because my ex would not end his affair and deal with his issues, and oddly enough what hurt me THE WORST was not losing my husband (although that hurt!) but rather losing the illusion of what I thought I had. I *thought* I had a happy, healthy family...a devoted and loving spouse...and one of those marriages that was special and could not be lured into an affair. Looking point blank at the man who was my (ex) husband, he had a lot of very serious issues and when I was honest about them, letting that man go was painful but I could do that. But letting go of the ILLUSION! OH that I struggled with like Jacob wrestling with the angel!
One thing that I sincerely do think would help you a ton would be boosting your self-worth. If nothing else, you'll always know that you are lovable and worthy of respect and loving treatment if you love yourself.
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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
I guess this is a struggle between wanting to be with my wife for the rest of my life and getting over my hurt feelings about her wanting someone else.
My heart tells me that she is more important and I should just get over it. My brain is trying to decide if I can forgive what she has done and get over the fact that there was someone else in her life. It sounds like an easy decision on paper, but the hurt inside makes it difficult.
something my husband keeps telling me...and i am starting to believe...is that if he truly [I]wanted[I] the OW, he would be with her and not with me. so, maybe they didnt really want someone else....
something my husband keeps telling me...and i am starting to believe...is that if he truly [I]wanted[I] the OW, he would be with her and not with me. so, maybe they didnt really want someone else....
I'm starting to come around to that idea too. However, there is some trust that I need to re-build before I totally buy into that. right now, I question if this is what she really wants (me, not him) or if she is trying to force this because it is the "right" thing to do. She is a very kind person and has always been on the straight and narrow. Now that she has realizes what she has done and how much she has hurt me and her family, I can only assume that she is trying to force herself back into being the perfect wife. Even if this isn't what she truly feels inside, she is trying to force it in order to not be a "bad" person.
I hope I'm wrong. She tells me she is doing this for the right reasons, and I believe her for the most part. But I also think she would hide the truth in order to save the marriage and spare my feelings. Time will tell I guess. At this point, I love her enough to give her the chance to gain back the trust and determine if we can make it work.... Chin up, right?
...right now, I question if this is what she really wants (me, not him) or if she is trying to force this because it is the "right" thing to do. ... I can only assume that she is trying to force herself back into being the perfect wife. Even if this isn't what she truly feels inside, she is trying to force it in order to not be a "bad" person.
As always, permission to speak freely? At the very, very first moment of ending it with the other man, I have to admit that my primary motivation was that I knew it was wrong and not because of great, passionate love for my husband. I would say for about the first two or three days I resisted contact "because it was the right thing to do" and during those two or three days I missed the way I felt but was actively letting those feelings die. You see, Noona, even though I didn't feel giddy passion for my husband, I knew enough to know that what is right is the right thing to do no matter how I FELT. Feelings (emotions) are not a good foundation on which to build things because they are so transient and because so many different things can affect them (including hormones, weather, etc!). Thus, at that moment my head knew it was right and my heart felt sad....but I acted on my head!
After those first few days, I don't think I cried once that initial part was over. I think for the next...oh maybe a month...I became more and more the person I really am and less and less "Disloyal Dizzy." Throughout the whole thing, I thought of my Dear Hubby as someone I really liked and was very fond of, and after the first couple days was an opportunity to give him a chance to let the love grow and return. But, in order to do that, I had to focus on him and what he was doing now, not constantly look to the past and be reminded of the other man. And he also had to make the effort to stop doing those Love Extinguisher things that he slipped into and do some Love Kindler things that reminded me of why I loved him in the first place.
So from day 4 or so onward it was like love gradually grew and grew more and more. I'd say about a week after I appreciated that he hung in there for me and "us," by two weeks, I felt affection for him, and by one month I actually loved the man for being the honorable, loving person he is! (Lucky me, huh?) Noona, at first your wife's motivation may have been "because it's the right thing to do" but actually that not a bad motivation! It is a good foundation to build on because what is "right" and "wrong" doesn't change like emotions/feelings do! And Noona, love is a choice. She can (and it sounds like she does) choose to love you.
__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
My W had an EA that she is acknowledging as a mistake and is giving 100% toward working on our marriage. She has dropped all contact with this person by sending a couple emails ending their contact and has focused on our relationship. We have been doing very well lately.
My obsession has been her ability to just leave this EA in the dust. I know she loves me and wants to be with me, but I also know that for her to do what she did had to have resulted from some very deep emotions for the other person. For her to deceive me and jeopardize our family to be with this other person, this was not just a random silly feeling. I don't think this is just the idea of getting some attention.
Her approach to the situation has been to send the emails mentioned above telling him she couldn't speak with him again, and then trying to forget her feelings she once had. For me, I am still hurting from the thought of what has happened and I fear that the emotions will pop up again.
My thinking is that, if she truly did have feeling so deep that she thought this may be the person she could spend her life with, then just trying to forget it with a couple emails is not going to extinguish that flame. I feel that this needs to be addressed head on. She needs to evaluate the situation as it stands and determine if this person was possibly her "soul mate". I'm not naive enough to think that there couldn't be someone in the world that may be better for my wife than I am. If this is such a person, I want to know now and get this over with rather than finding out 5 years from now that she gave it a try, but you know what, I just can't get over him and she leaves me for this person. I feel like I want her to go ahead and give this a try and determine for herself what she really wants. Is this crazy?
Another thought I am having that makes me feel like a terrible person is that I have told her that I can't be married to someone who has "special feelings" for another person. Even if she does love me and we are having a great time together, I just can't live with someone that is not 100% dedicated to me? I wouldn't expect my wife to want to be with me if I had another woman that I had feelings for either.
I'd appreciate any feedback from this group , as I am starting to feel a bit down on the situation because when i talk about this with my wife, she just ends up getting hurt by having to live through the EA again. She justs wants to sweep it under the rug.
Noona, I was in the exact emotional situation as you 3.5 months ago, especially when he maintained that he loved both of us after he broke off the A (E&P). Being married for over 20 years, I was yo-yo-ing back and forth for 2 months or so, regarding taking him back and pushing him to go to her. He said they were alike, she was the best friend he never had, he confided everything to her, so I told him she could be his soulmate, go to her. Yet he choose to stay, begged to stay, on his best behavior at all times. I told him numerous times to go to her since I didn't want him going back to her a year, 2 years, or 5 years later. Now, I believe he stayed at that time because it was the RIGHT thing to do, because of our kids, not because he loved me.
I was very insecure after the discovery, all that I had believed came crumbling down. No matter how hard he tried to work on our marriage, I could not accept his love for her. Perhaps I'm a simple person but I felt exactly like you, I had to have his love 100% and nothing less. I also felt that he had swept his feelings for her under the rug as well.
About 1.5-2 months after the discovery, I felt that I would give our marriage another month or so, to see if his love for her has diminished; otherwise I would leave the marriage. I think I did tell him so as well. Fortunately for me, soon after, he came out of his fog and realized his love for her was all an illusion that she had created for him. He finally saw her as who she was, a person with no morals, no values, no conscience; an expert user of men that had once bragged to him that she could con any men out his money. And funnily in an ironic sad way, my H handed over his business to her for a penny because he felt guilty for ending the A; he lost over 100K and 1.5 year of hard work putting into that business.
So in a way, my insecurity somewhat ended when he said numerous times that he realized he loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of our lives. That he realized our kids would not be needing us as they grow older, that his main priority used to be our kids but now, his main priority is me. And he apologized numerous times regarding his A and how he wished he could turn back time. That he had taken me and our kids for granted and now constantly telling me how much he enjoys spending time with us, with me.
I think for you, you need to feel and hear that your wife is truly over that OM. You will always question is she better off with the OM and will constantly be afraid that some day, she will reconnect with that man and will leave you, hence, the insecurity. That it's better you know now so you don't waste any more of your time/life as oppose to a few years down the road. Is this low self-esteem? My counselor thought so but in my mind, I don't think it had anything to do with my self-esteem, it's just my personal belief.
I had given my all to my H and I had expected the same in return. So when the discovery of the A, I was hurt by the betrayal beyond imagination. My H had always said I'm such a simple person, have been shielded by the real world, always trusting, always believe everyone is good unless proven otherwise. But that is the way I am, and I cannot help it, all or nothing.
I had given him my loyalty all these years but after what happened, I told him I now question my loyalty to him. I know many here manage to get past the forgiveness part but for me, I'm still working on it. Yes, it's so easy to put it on paper, to forgive and I am still having a hard time trying to forgive, to get past the A. I still have my good days and my bad days and am trying to deal with it.
Best approach for starting to forget
Throughout the whole thing, I thought of my Dear Hubby as someone I really liked and was very fond of, and after the first couple days was an opportunity to give him a chance to let the love grow and return. But, in order to do that, I had to focus on him and what he was doing now, not constantly look to the past and be reminded of the other man. And he also had to make the effort to stop doing those Love Extinguisher things that he slipped into and do some Love Kindler things that reminded me of why I loved him in the first place. 
(Lucky me, huh?) Noona, at first your wife's motivation may have been "because it's the right thing to do" but actually that not a bad motivation! It is a good foundation to build on because what is "right" and "wrong" doesn't change like emotions/feelings do! And Noona, love is a choice. She can (and it sounds like she does) choose to love you.
