First let me say thanks to everyone here. This is a great forum and I've found it very helpful this week. I only wish I'd found it sooner.
I discovered text messages between my wife and another man in early July which led to what I now know is a NC letter, or text rather, soon after. Of course that isn't the end of the story, in late July I discovered a facebook conversation with a mutual friend of theirs where she was relaying messages for them, at this point they all knew I was checking her phone and AT&T's records. At this point I would really like to hear your opinions and advice. There is a lot to tell and I may bounce around a bit. Also, I apologize if this is lengthy.
A little backstory on my wife and I. Met at the end of high school, married a year later, our first kid arrived later that year. A few years later we had our 2nd. Now we've been married for 14 years and have a 13 & a 10 year old. My wife has had many health issues and some of these led to her full hysterectomy at 25, 7 years ago, and she still has not got her hormones balanced out. Also, a contributing factor could be that I was secretly addicted to porn, a fact that came to light just after our first child was born. It took many years to curb the addiction and move on, although she says she still feels resentment, recently reiterated.
On the morning after July 4th I woke up for work, yes I had to work on the 5th or use vacation! Things had been feeling off lately and I had noticed for several weeks her phone was never left out, always with her, she literally slept on top of it. So after we went to one of her family members who lived in the country on the 4th to shoot fireworks we came home when everyone was moving to their cars, her nephew and his pregnant wife stopped by for a few hours as well, but again I went to bed while they were still up. So the guests left in the wee hours and my wife had crashed on the couch and her phone was on the coffee table. I got up for work and on a hunch I picked it up and carried it to the bedroom and this is a transcript of the conversation I found, I do have the actual messages saved, I used F for the messages from the OM and T for the messages my wife sent to him, she had deleted most of their messages so idk what he's saying sorry about in the first text, but he then asks if she's back home:
(Some notes to help you follow along: ****head is his one of his roommates cat; I am '****er'; the car he's working on was one of ours, I met him when we dropped it off so he could work on the struts for me, they pretended they didn't know each other)
F: Im sorry u home already
T: I'm home but everyone is awake
F: That sucks
T: Soon though
F: U think so
T: Yea u gonna b up for a while?
F: I think so
T: U wanna c me
F: ? Is do u wanna c me
T: U know the answer to that
T: I love u
F: And u know ur answer
T: Do I? No jk. I will b there soon as I can
F: Ok sexy
T: Awe ur to sweet
T: Don't delete the pic of u me and ****head
F: I saved it b4 i deleted my messages
T: Ok cuz I need to delete it so ****er don't c it
F: Kinda figured so im cooking eggs
F: Absolute boredom
T: Sorry baby
F: 7 eggs is that too much lol
T: Oh **** bring on the egg farts. Lol
F: Yea just a little
T: They don't scare me
F: Good 2 know
T: I'm not easily scared
F: So ive learned
T: Not even ur critters can run me off
F: My critters lmao
F: Lil **** loves eggs
T: Oh lord that one stinks as it is
F: Lol well he does love eggs
T: I love u
F: I love u too baby
T: Soon as they ****ing leave I'm gonna c u
F: Who's they ?
T: My nephew N his wife
F: Ah well i dont know if im gonna stay up real late
T: Well **** me then. Ill make a way to c u tomorrow
F: Im sorry sweetness just dont wanna be up all night i do have to work on ur car some time
T: I know baby. Just wanted to c u but I understand
F: How was ur day
T: It was ok once we got out to foyil
F: Yea thats was proably very nice
T: Yeah I miss my family and he's nicer with other people around
F: Yea i bet u had a good time
T: I did but it would have been perfect if u were the one with me
F: I think u r right
F: I miss being next to u
T: Me too
F: What are u doing
This conversation had started the morning of the 4th and was 300 texts back and forth. I also found that in a month and half prior to this about 6,000 messages had been exchanged between them. She claimed this guy was gay at first, I had actually met him once and I thought it odd she mentioned that out of the blue then, but has since admitted he's bisexual and that they had, one time, made out for a couple minutes. That fact just came out yesterday, after being told she had rebuffed an attempted kiss from him. I've been getting TT this whole time.
Also admitted yesterday, she worked a night shift stocking shelves for the last year. She met the mutual friend, which now I know as a TF, there and they both met this guy in late May. Well the TF was stealing, and even rang my wife up leaving out a few items on the bill. This was found and the TF arrested, and my wife just fired. The thing is, my wife and her friend led me to believe they were still working, for almost 4 weeks, even after the messages on the 4th were found. There were afraid I wouldn't let my wife see her TF any more they say. So the two of them were out all thru the night 3-4 nights a week or more sometimes and frequently went to the OM's place where there were always 'other people' around. At first she was just crashing at the TF's house but I found receipts from gas station close to the OM's place, then she fessed up. One last thing, the TF, the OM and all these people are single 20 something's who drink all night every night and most don't even work. That's the crowd she chose over me and the kids...
OK, that's a long story. Any thoughts? Advice? Any possibility that while she admits she was emotionally connected this wasn't more that the little bit of PA I heard about yesterday. Or just Any chance I can convince her that we can get her to admit it? I'd stay, but only with the whole truth and MC. Also, I'm not sure how hard to push but I insisted on a polygraph about a week ago, then yesterday she was ready to split until she revealed the job thing and was supposedly well, then I pressed a bit more and the PA finally came out. Now I think I may need to insist on the poly again because I have serious doubts. I didn't go over the 2nd DDay involving FB chat, but I can post that transcript as well if this isn't sufficient.
Thanks to those who made it all the way through that. And thanks again for all you do here.
GUY, sorry you are here, there are a lot of people here that will respond and give good info. But I'm afraid that your wife has indeed had relations with this person. It's definitely not an EA. 6000 texts is way beyond the EA. I will give you my perspective on this. I walked. There is no trust, respect, admiration and love. If there were any of these things you wouldn't be here. For me it's all about trust. If you don't have that you will forever be snooping. That crap sucks. It's not living, it's existing. On top of that crap, you have to work and take care of kids. Who has time for that. If you decide to reconcile it would take moving heaven and earth just to start.
You have to realize that the marriage you had is over. Just because you had an affinity towards porn, does not make you a bad person. Unless in got in the way of your marriage and taking care of the kids.
You own 50% of the marriage, 0% of the affair, that's on her. I don't know your age or where you stand when it comes to infidelity, but this takes a lifetime to deal with. How much effort is it worth. BTW once they say "I love you" to one another for me it's over for sure. Here is where I tell you what you may or may not want to hear, it's usually a hard pill to swallow. Man the hell up, start your 180, there are links to it. You now need to expose her to her family and friends. If this guy is married, you find his wife and nuke it there as well. Take care of your health, you will probably lose weight and not sleep. See your doctor, be honest with him/her, they will help anti-d's or the like. Throw the iron around it will make you feel better and will up your sex rank. Take care of the kids and yourself, this will hurt for a while, but you will survive, I did, people here have also. Good luck to you. Keep coming here for help, input, advice, direction or to just vent. You need an outlet, try counseling that helps as well. Remember this you did not cheat, she did, you did not alter your marriage, she did. You are faithful, she is not.
Oh dear, first thing to do is gather as much evidence as you can to prove infidelity, phone bills and key loggers, VARs(weightlifter should be along shortly for that specialty), credit card/debit card receipts and statements for cash withdrawal(this is important as cash is untraceable but the point of withdrawal isn't, can be a clue in itself), make it seem as though you have gone to sleep in the your marriage like it was before when she first started this crap, let her carry on as though you know nothing, and gather all the intel you need, and get it stashed away too, make copies as well!!!! When you have enough evidence and are confident in your own ability to confront her then do so and never ever disclose your sources of evidence!!!
Once confronted she will gaslight you and try to throw you off or just up and leave, either way you need to stand strong and be tough with her yes there will be tears and screaming etc, but better that when you have full blown facts on your side
one question, do you both want to reconcile?
If yes then she has to do the real heavy lifting, sever all ties and admit everything including polygraph, then after full admission then "you" have decide once all facts are disclosed as to whether or not you want to continue to reconcile?
If no then see a shark of a lawyer with full story and transcripts, then file, she has done some pretty stupid things which I think you can corroborate grounds for custody and start protecting assets etc,
Tell her family what she is doing, tell everybody. In order to wake her up, get the divorce papers drawn up and give them to her. She will not wake up out of her fog. And get rid of her friend, both of them should have N/C. She will not respect you, but she will wake up when you act.
Distance your self and show her you will be fine with out her.
Expose the affair.
Cut her off and take her things to OM house.
Dude she had her chance in the end of July and she still keeps screwing you over because she never had any consequences to face...I mean the NC text should have been sent by both of you and you should have been involved.
But no...I'm guessing it was more of an apoligy letter in not being able to see him again rather then a letter denocing the affair and the OM and her action.
Instead of writing the OM and tell him how better of a man her husband was she most likely made statement that she will think of him for ever.
Sorry bro, but you guys swept this crap under the rug...its time you step up and show your old lady that there are consequences for not only for deceving you with the affair but for breaking the NC ....and were not even sure if it was even a NC letter cuz you had no part in it! Its time to show your WW a new reality by emotionally cutting her out and finacially cutting her off.
It was most likey a text informing OM about the new way to contact each other.
You can't work with this women when the OM and TF are still in the pic...it just doesn't work that way. So stop trying
Just let her go...with a smile on your face even if its a fake smile, wish her the best ask her to leave and help her pack.
Now I think I may need to insist on the poly again because I have serious doubts.
This is my advice. Any woman, with whom I need a polygraph exam, to get the truth?
As they say in New York....... fuhgedaboudit....
I'd stay, but only with the whole truth and MC.
As they say in New York....... fuhgedaboudit.... there ain't a snowball's chance in hades of you EVER getting the "whole truth".
And, seriously... you would? Stay, that is? Why?
My wife has had many health issues and some of these led to her full hysterectomy at 25, 7 years ago, and she still has not got her hormones balanced out.
Excuses, excuses. Her adultery has NOTHING TO DO with "hormones". Countless MILLIONS of women have hormonal adjustment issues, yet have the MORAL FIBER to keep their legs closed except to their husband, as their MARITAL VOWS SWORE they would.
Countless women suffer monthly from PMS, yet have the MORAL FIBER not to take a gun and shoot their husbands.... those that do, go to prison for a long time. The judge doesn't regard PMS as an excuse for murder, neither do I regard "hormones" as an excuse for adultery.
Also, a contributing factor could be that I was secretly addicted to porn
Judging from the information given, so does your wife.
Is this "contributing" to your adultery?
Any thought or advice? let me ask you this. What do you think? Re read what you wrote and the transcript between your wife and this gay-bi-straight OM. When your through reading it, do it again, and again. The answer your looking for is in that transcript. She's cheating. That means she's seeing another guy. Fooling around on you. Having sex with him. Need any more adjectives? That what you want? That's what your getting so now comes the part where you either accept her screwing around on you or you bring the hammer down and real hard. Either throw her ass out now or if you choose to keep her around, you better have her on a real short leash while you drag her to either a MC or a courthouse. It's your choice but you better choose wisely because this woman has done a real good job of covering her tracks.
I think you're in a similar place to most of us at some time or another.
We find evidence of infidelity and are told they're "just friends" or "it was just kissing". (I always love the "just" part. Or the "only" like "we only had sex twice.")
But something doesn't sit right, because deep down every part of your brain is screaming "you're a lunatic if you believe this crap. Wake up." That makes us all start to dig, or get polys. Then we realize the rabbit hole is deeper than we dreamed.
It's called trickle truth. Most wayward spouses do it (if not all) and it'll do more damage than the affair itself ironically.
It's easy to get advice, not so easy to follow it.
If you decide that if she slept with another man it's over:
What I think you should do is pack her clothes, drive to the OMs work or home, and dump her clothes there. End of story. I'd then tell WW that her things are at the oms house. You were helping her along. I'd tell her to go and experience the world, sow her wild oats. Experience the love that she surely deserves. I'd tell her she deserves to have something good in the world. I'd say you weren't meeting her needs, and she needs to get those met. She didn't feel loved, and now she does. I'd say you're happy for her. No ill feelings.
Then I'd wave, close the door as she left, and throw the biggest damn party ever. Oh and divorce while she's in the fog. That's the best time.
If you think her sleeping with someone else is not a deal breaker:
You need to expose it. After that i'd make a list of expectations for her to follow should she choose to work on reconciling.
1. She needs to be an open book. All passwords are yours. Her phone is any time you like. She gets no privacy. Nothing gets deleted until you've seen it first.
2. She must answer any and all questions if you have them regarding the affair.
3. She takes a poly if you want it.
4. She (and you) should probably go to IC and MC.
5. She should read not just friends.
6. She must never speak to this man or any toxic friends again.
7. if you have kids i'd get a DNA test.
8. A timeline of the affair.
I think in a way being cheated on does us a favor. They wake us up and shake our worlds because from the many stories I've read, many of us need shaken and woken up.
Many betrayed spouses have their heads up their butts. And I was one. I was miserable, abused even. Without discovering the cheating I'd have never been able to correct myself and my life. It was the wake up call that I was a fool. Many betrayed husbands give so much of themselves they forget to keep some for their selves.
Many wayward wives will say they cheated cause he worked all the time. Yet they could have gotten a job so he worked less. They might say they didn't feel loved. I don't know a larger display of love than giving your life so that someone else doesn't need to work, or can work less. Working often doesn't leave much in the tank for many men. Yet in my own story and others, we often still attempt to do things with the wives. Often it's even during their affairs.
What it boils down to is some people are just never happy. It doesn't matter how much you give. The goal posts of what satisfies them move more each time you reach.
Your wayward wife did you a favor in a way by waking you up to this treadmill. I don't think I've ever seen a case of a ww where the husband didn't become a doormat in some fashion. I'm sure it's happened, but it must be rare.
Those are the types of texts you see between two people having sex with each other on a regular basis.
If you want to reconcile and she does not: My advice is 180. Put your effort into you. Start lifting weights, go out with friends, talk to girls.
Married man sex life primer and no more mr nice guy are required reading.
Im resident VAR goon. Ill get you the complete instructions later but here are step 1 and 2.
1. Go to best buy. Buy 2sony icdpx312 Voice activated recorders and lithium batteries for it. Do not substitue for sony. Only get the sony 50 dollar ones. The others have timeouts which make them useless. Sony only!!!!! No i dont work for sony.
Go to walmart. Buy the heavy duty velcro.
DO THIS NOW!!!!!!!!
2. No more talking to your wife with weak confronts. Your next confront is blitzkrieg to literally crush any resistance.
Edit reason this isnot complete list is im on ipad at work. My standard instruction set is long and i copy paste it from home.