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Married Man Sex Life Primer (AKA MMSLP) and you.

35K views 278 replies 45 participants last post by  Q tip 
#1 ·
Just started reading this book

I understand why everyone who read this book now says weightlifting and getting in shape is helpful.

I just started reading the book yesterday, I'm on page 79, part 6.10 ( no quick fix ).

For those that don't know
From what I am reading now and understand it talks about Alpha and Beta Traits and what to do, to improve those traits.

It also goes into a simple point rating system, like many guys and girls would say how do you rate that person on a 1 to 10..

Nutshell you have to be a higher point on the scale then your significant other. If your a higher point, then they want you. If your lower and don't look to improve your rating to be equal they will look some place else..

I would suggest you don't read it if your still crying over your ex and have no control. The first few chapters will definitely open up some old wounds and it can be tough for some. As an example the author mentions " I love you but not in love with you" and other comments how crying and begging making you weaker. For me it was like "Ugg, I shouldn't have done that"

But over all I honestly think there should be a thread on this book with suggestions related to the book as well.

But I see I need to start making a move to working out as I have some Alpha going but this is one I am lacking. Again just another trait in the Alpha column to check off.

I downloaded it to my Mac and my Iphone with the kindle app.
 
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#169 ·
What the?

FW , I have never seen pics of you! <----[ just kidding!]
lol,
Anyway your blog is a good one.

Forgive me , but when I got halfway into your blog it struck me that there are similarities between some of what MMSLP says and your husband's approach to sex.
Your husband is very dominant with sex ,something which quite a lot of men are either afraid of, or unable to execute.
From what I've read, some parts of MMSLP [ I have not read the entire book, just snippets ] seeks to correct that. MMSLP deals mostly with the raw,sexual dynamics of marriage, and is aimed at fixing the " nice guy syndrome " in the bedroom.
From all the discussions I've seen, for some men it can be fixed, for others it can't.
That was my initial impression
 
#166 ·
I have finished re reading the book again and my thought is a man must be both when the situation calls for it.
Alpha all the time means finding a very submissive wife which is getting harder to do in this day and age and learning to be by yourself a lot after all who wants to be around an ass all the time.
Beta 24/7 then you will get walked on not just by your wife but by everyone but you sure will know how to fold a shirt.

Life is balance ying and yang too much of one and the other suffers, be an alpha in the bedroom, in protecting your family, in the boardroom, be a beta in taking care of your family, giving all of yourself and expecting nothing in return and in the bedroom make sure your spouse is pleasured beyond belief (she will make sure that the alpha gets everything and anything he wants.
Heard the old line men want a lady during the day and a sl*t in the bedroom
Well women want a domestic partner during the day and a stud in the bedroom.
Just my 2 Lincolns
 
#168 ·
I get that, Deejo. I used to be married to a Nice Guy. Now I'm married to a Sex God. I understand the difference.

All I am saying is that, having been married to both, I know what the differences are...and MMSL doesn't seem to address some of the biggest issues.

One of which is...if a man's main goal is "to get sex", this is automatically a turn off to (highly sexual) women. MMSL's goal seems to be to help men "get sex". If that is the highest goal for a man in marriage, his woman will not be happy. And no matter how many times someone tries to re-frame it, to "get sex" is really the only apparent goal in the book.

And please remember: I'm a very sexual person. I will never be in a relationship without mind blowing sex. I will never have to be coerced into or begged for sex.
 
#171 ·
And please remember: I'm a very sexual person. I will never be in a relationship without mind blowing sex. I will never have to be coerced into or begged for sex.
How could we forget. You never stop telling us :rolleyes:

For some people, sexual self-awareness is easy and natural and they have always had it. For me, I had some self-learning to do first. So I read a lot of books. I kept trying to find myself, or the keys to undoing myself, or whatever. How do you search externally for an answer about yourself? I read some good stuff about being authentic during sex. That was a curious thought…being authentic.


My wife falls into the first category. I doubt she's ever spent a minute of her day intellectualising being authentic. She just is. Lucky me.

One of which is...if a man's main goal is "to get sex", this is automatically a turn off to (highly sexual) women.
Maybe it's just a turn off for you? Do you speak for all "highly sexual women"? It's a book to help some men get more sex from their wives. That's it's purpose.

MMSL's goal seems to be to help men "get sex". If that is the highest goal for a man in marriage, his woman will not be happy. And no matter how many times someone tries to re-frame it, to "get sex" is really the only apparent goal in the book.
Well, I'm getting NO SEX at the moment, primarily due to the fact that My wife and I are currently sitting on two different continents. Yet the book still had something for me. It still created resonance. It still improved my marriage - that was the goal of the book. Money well spent.

Desire is no biggie. Desire is there or it isn't and if you are married to someone who isn't into you, it just isn't going to be there.
Desire ebbs and flows. Just like "love". It is a biggie and the a core part of the book.
 
#170 ·
CM said: "....MMSLP says and your husband's approach to sex."

Nope. Again CM, the main difference (and you really haven't read the book or you would know this) is that my husband understands that women are sexual beings who WANT to have sex CONSCIOUSLY. MMSL thinks women only want to have sex on a subconscious level and you men are supposed to tap the correct limbic code in order to "get sex".

There are many things in MMSL that do float near to how my husband acts and behaves....in fact, that is why I initially read MMSL. It sounded, at first, like it was describing my husband.

But when I actually read it and realized that this book is written for men who think they have to "figure out how to get sex", I slapped my forehead.

Can I just ask all the guys to stop trying to explain to me what the book is for, what it is about, how it is supposed to work? I know all of those things...I read it myself....I am expressing my OPINION about it based on understanding it...not because I am curious about it.

I simply think it is not pointed in the right direction for marriage (or single life, either).
 
#172 ·
Desire doesn't stop or ebb and flow if two people are truly into each other and are both sexual people (and both stay in good physical shape and attractive for each other).

Desire DOES stop and ebb and flow when one or both spouses is just not that sexual, or just not that into each other.
 
#176 ·
Desire doesn't stop or ebb and flow if two people are truly into each other and are both sexual people (and both stay in good physical shape and attractive for each other).
It certainly does ebb when real life intrudes, you're sitting in two different continents and it has no outlet. My wife doesn't have to question my love, commitment or sacrifice as it's the reason we are apart. Physical intimacy is impossible. But we can still have our desire rekindled, even at this distance.

Desire DOES stop and ebb and flow when one or both spouses is just not that sexual, or just not that into each other.
You do revel in your belittling language.

My experience is that there has been a noticeable response from my spouse since I read this book and kept us tuned into Desire FM.
 
#174 ·
azteca said: "Maybe it's just a turn off for you? Do you speak for all "highly sexual women"?"

Um....maybe find me one highly sexual woman who says she is NOT turned off by a man who thinks he needs to trick her in order "to get sex"? I've talked to hundreds of highly sexual women in my life (in person and online) and yeah, they don't like that. It is yucky. I'm happy to read any evidence you have to the contrary.

azteca said: "It's a book to help some men get more sex from their wives. That's it's purpose."

Yes...again...I get that. Can you stop telling me what I already know? I am expressing my opinion...no one is right or wrong but I DO UNDERSTAND what the book is about and what it is for.

And I do realize that I "never let anyone forget" how sexual I am...the reason for that is because I get tired of men assuming that since I'm a woman and this topic is about sex, that I "just won't get it". Screw that. I GET IT.
 
#178 ·
Um....maybe find me one highly sexual woman who says she is NOT turned off by a man who thinks he needs to trick her in order "to get sex"? I've talked to hundreds of highly sexual women in my life (in person and online) and yeah, they don't like that. It is yucky. I'm happy to read any evidence you have to the contrary.
You say it's a 'trick'. I say it is the "unthought known". Men have to remember we know this already. That's a part of what got our spouse to commit to us in the first place. And that's not to down play the book; it's why it resonates with a lot of us.

I freely admit have had no discussions about the subject with highly sexual women (including my wife - we're both naturals). I'm a married man and it would be crossing one of my boundaries to do so.

And I do realize that I "never let anyone forget" how sexual I am...the reason for that is because I get tired of men assuming that since I'm a woman and this topic is about sex, that I "just won't get it". Screw that. I GET IT.
No man has said anything of the sort on this topic, have they?
 
#175 ·
FW you seem to be 100% ignorant of the phenomena of loss of attraction when a man emasculates himself to her, thinking that the better he treats her the more she'll want him.

It's an epidemic in this screwed up back asswards culture we have where boys are taught to see women as authority and have no significant male role model in their lives.

It's why so many men marry HD women only to find themselves in sexless marriages a few years later.

"All I want is a house, a marriage and kids and I'll be happy" is what the woman says. The man says "Ok, sounds like if I do this then I'll have a life long supply of p@ssy, which is what I really want".

And that is basically fraud.

My wife was crazy about me, had to beat other women off of me with a stick (and literally did just that) because I was totally care free and didn't really give two sh!ts about much.

Then, I got a mortgage, had kids, had to deal with pregnant mom, had to help with the housework, had to start caring about stuff, and guess what? SEXLESS MARRIAGE.
 
#177 ·
Dude (Disenchanted)...I've read all the books...I've read relationship websites for 10 years....I've been divorced once already...I am immersed in relationship topics all the time (my side job is related to this)....I counsel people....thanks for calling me ignorant without knowing what I know - - that was nice.

I'm not ignorant of what you are talking about. I just don't agree that it ALL works the way MMSL says it does. There ARE other sources to look into about marriage you know! Do you feel MMSL has the one and only answer?

Can I not have an opinion?

Sheesh.

OK guys...I'll leave it with you, since there is just no discussing my opinion on MMSL without the disciples running in to protect it. There is no real way to have anything I think be communicated when you've decided I'm ignorant before you even know what I know.

And azteca....If you want to personalize everything I say and feel belittled about it, I can't help that.

It isn't belittling anyone to state my opinion on a general topic.
 
#180 ·
Can I not have an opinion?

Sheesh.
Of course you can.

OK guys...I'll leave it with you, since there is just no discussing my opinion on MMSL without the disciples running in to protect it. There is no real way to have anything I think be communicated when you've decided I'm ignorant before you even know what I know.

And azteca....If you want to personalize everything I say and feel belittled about it, I can't help that.

It isn't belittling anyone to state my opinion on a general topic.
You use belittling language. Why? I don't know. I don't feel belittled. You can't make me feel inferior without my consent.
 
#179 ·
azteca: "No man has said anything of the sort on this topic, have they?"

Not necessarily on this thread (I don't see many women on this thread) but yes, MMSL followers say it all the time to women when discussing sexual matters. They assume that women don't know what they want and shut them down by telling them that. I have heard it directly so many times. So I figured if I can state clearly "heck yeah I want to get my brains f*cked out regularly by a hot stud, not a dud", some men might actually believe I know what I want. (And since it is a true statement, I have no problem saying it).

And even though I state over and over the things I do agree with, MMSL followers still want to find some reason to dismiss anyone who doesn't sing the praises.

It is weird that the book can't even be reviewed here on TAM unless you love it. Otherwise, you'll get a bunch of backlash. Why? It is just odd.
 
#183 ·
Don't play the victim; you're better than that.

I don't know why you insist on using words like 'followers' and 'disciples'. What's wrong with 'people who like the book'?

However if you write a post like this:
Desire doesn't stop or ebb and flow if two people are truly into each other and are both sexual people (and both stay in good physical shape and attractive for each other).

Desire DOES stop and ebb and flow when one or both spouses is just not that sexual, or just not that into each other.
You will get a response. I'm tempted to write "Who the fvck are you to cast aspersions on me, my wife or our relationship?". But I'm too polite to do so.

If you're feeling persecuted you could, perhaps, moderate your tone?
 
#186 ·
I don't love MMSL. I am not and never have been a disciple, well, of anything really.

I read that book. I also read, NMMNG, Hold Onto Your NUTS, The Way of the Superior Man, Fire in The Belly, How to Win Friends and Influence People, How to be the Strong Man a Woman Wants, Awareness, Body Language, Mystery Method, Models, Hold Me Tight, Commitment: A skeptic makes peace with Marriage and a whole bunch of blogs including one by the lady with the Sex God husband who I don't have pictures of ...

I am no longer married, with no plans to enter that arena again any time soon. For those that have successful marriages, my deepest and sincere kudos and admiration.

But ... I have also come to accept that this weeks touchdowns, don't win next weeks game. (It's football season here in the US) Meaning that being successful requires work, and that work doesn't end just because you are successful now.

You know what I'd like FW? And I'm really not trying to put you on the spot or set you up ... but I'd like some further input from you on your ex, rather than Sex God.

That's the guy that MMSLP is targeted at. And I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I'm guessing even had your ex tried to implement change in himself to win your respect and affection, it would have been too late. And the deterioration of your bond probably extended way beyond the bedroom.

In my opinion there is an invisible point of no return. Guys need to be able to learn the skills to make it visible, at least to see it for themselves. Know what it is. Know what it means. If your spouse either is at, or is approaching the place where she has a sexual aversion to you ... there isn't any book, tape, or dvd that you can implement to make her want to have sex with you.

All you can do at that point is look to 'inner game' another buzzy catchphrase that encompasses coming to see and treat yourself with respect, and a code of conduct ... and applying that code to how others treat you. Which by default, means that you cease the behaviors that enabled people alienate you, take advantage of you, or dismiss you.

Attraction, attraction, attraction. That is the framework. Respect is the glue.
When I read what you have to say about maintaining a sexual connection, I see 'maintaining attraction'.


I cannot possibly demonstrate on this forum how different my life is now than what I imagined it would be 5 or 10 years ago. Having digested MMSLP has contributed, but it certainly doesn't define me, my approach to women, love, or sex.

I do.

And to me, that's the trick. It isn't about tricking women into wanting to have sex with you. It was about recognizing that I had been tricked into thinking that a particular set of actions and behaviors would make women 'happy' and therefore they would want to have sex with me ... for years. And I stuck with those behaviors right through ending up like your ex ... more than once.

It ain't about being someone you're not. It's about finally recognizing that you haven't taken the time and done the work to be who you were supposed to be all along. And I'm not just talking about MMSLP. The book isn't that encompassing. But lets face it, Athol had experiences and decided to write that book based on the journey he decided to take, all while remaining married. Enough people were interested that he got to quit his day job ... if you're going to be dead wrong about something, I suppose one could do a hell of a lot worse.

I really like your stuff too, by the way. You're right about highly sexual people. Gets to the point where you can sniff each other out. And you kind of have a radar for who the cold fish are. Wish I had 'untricked' myself 20 years ago.

Completely different view on sex and relationships. The right view. For me.

My long winded, eloquent and brilliant post can be summed up as the following; somebody has to make the conscious choice to change their dynamic. They can certainly try chicanery, and may get some traction, but it can't last. You can read MMSLP, or a dozen books. None of it matters until you DO something.
 
#185 ·
I want a man who knows how to f*ck my brains out and makes me beg for more. I want a man who is fit and healthy and can throw me around the room. I want a man who won't take my sh*t (and my husband also wants a woman who won't take HIS sh*t). I want a man who has his own life, hobbies, friends. I want a man that I can respect, who has a good career, doesn't play video games all day.
Wait, I thought this is what MMSL is essentially trying to teach men to do. That's what I got out of it when I read it, (among other things). Not all men are natural sex gods like your husband.

Also, I don't know why its necessary to mention love in the book. The "love at first sight, soul mates, I'm gonna die without her", attitude is probably what got them where they are in the first place. There are plenty of other books out there that touch on the love subject.
 
#187 ·
Yes,
That's what I got from the little snippets and reviews I read from the book. In fact that's why I never finished the book , because I am already having that kind of sex with my wife.
But just because the book doesn't apply to my marriage means that it cannot apply to a man who's having a sexless marriage.

And I also agree with the second paragraph.
The book is not about love.
There is an entire world of difference between raw sexual lust and love. But when both are combined , it can become like a drug. The beauty is that it's dynamic is different based on the personality types involved, so it varies from couple to couple.

And yes, the entire " soulmate / love " construct is basically a projection from ourselves towards another person. We see what we want to see in them, and create a fantasy.
A few years after marriage, comes the mortgage , kids etc, the fantasy fades and we wonder what went wrong, why the person / we, are no longer attracted.
 
#188 ·
Sorry if the term ignorant came off offensive.

What gets me so fired up is that there was no way I could "love" my STBXWW out of her affair.

She was bored with me no matter how much I "loved" her.

If I had read some of the tips in MMSL before she lost all attraction I might have been able to save my family unit and keep us all together.

It was ideas like what I'm hearing from you that I've heard all my life that led me to believe I was on the right path in how I was treating my wife. I was doing exactly what women have been telling me to do my whole life.

It didn't work.


But now I'm going to search for a healthy woman instead, or just go it alone.
 
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#198 ·
Is he your first child? Do you really think she was thinking of him as a baby when she said that, or simply using a common term of endearment?
Yep he's our one and only for now.

(this exchange happened over Skype)
Her: (A bit plaintively) I've got some bad news about [DS6]
Me : Sh!t! What's up?
Her: I saw him playing with his tooth... and when I had a look I saw it was wobbly... My baby's growing up
Me :He's not a baby anymore, my love (Calming down from alarm as it might have been something serious to comforting the wife)

I've told her point blank that if it were left up to her she molly-coddle the sh!t out of him. It's to be expected. It's her 'baby'. Her first born son. It's what she's going to do as a mother. I understand.

But in turn I've let her understand that she's never been a little boy, she's never been a son, she'll never been a man, a husband or a father. As this is my area of expertise she'll have to defer once in a while. She buys my rational argument; as to the greater (male) influence I should exert on our son's up-bringing, the older he gets.
 
#204 · (Edited)
My parents divorced as I was hitting adolescence.

I always blamed my father for leaving, but now realizing what a nut job my mother was I can't blame him.

I thought he didn't pedestalize women enough and I never respected him because of that. So I tried what he didn't do in hopes it would create a healthy marriage that would last. (Every piece of literature I read pretty much said he failed by not "emotionally supporting" her enough).

At least my divorce has reinvigorated my relationship with him, and he simply doesn't put up with other people's sh!t. But you see, a child of divorce rationalizes this stuff however they can.

This is where MMSL helps and "marriage by love" does not.

Nice Guy anyone?
 
#209 ·
My parents divorced as I was hitting adolescence.
I feel for you, my man. Obviously there's no good time for a divorce but that would be the worst from a male perspective.

I hope this lightens the mood. Once again science telling us what we already know (the unthought known).

Testicle size 'link to father role'
A link between the size of a father's testicles and how active he is in bringing up his children has been suggested by scientists. :)

BBC News - Testicle size 'link to father role'
 
#205 ·
I do just want to say that the last several posts were so very "real"...and even though I don't dive into any of your particular stories (you guys here, on this thread) it is still sad to hear how bad things can go wrong. I do have a lot of empathy for people who divorce...was a child of divorce myself and my own divorce SUCKED. In fact, divorce was the reason I ended up reading all of these books. It still hurts. For you guys who are headed there....I'm sorry.

Deejo...the only reason I do not talk more about my ex is out of respect for him. NG or not, I loved him and he is the father of my kids. For awhile after my divorce, I talked about him on other websites. But once I moved on from that, it felt slimy to discuss him since our D was 50% my fault, and he wasn't around to defend any of my statements. So now I only talk about him vaguely, but hopefully it shows, with respect. He is a good man and I do not "blame" him being a NG for our D.

You guys are great actually...sorry I got snitty.
 
#212 ·
I've read MMSLP several times. Each time I read it I gain new insite.

Did it help my marriage and sex life? No...A real big no.

A lot of what I was reading I was already improving on. Getting healthy, working out, dressing a little better, and developing friends ( my wife was my only friend for 20 plus years)

Although my wife is cute, she has no interest in improving her body in any way. She is way overweight now. I don't believe every woman has an inner sex goddess. My wife is closer to being asexual. She has always been.

So what has been happening over the past 6 months or so, I've been having lunch with friends. Some of them female, all with my wife's knowledge. I don't hide anything. She doesn't seem jealous.

Also, by reading MMSLP, I decided to up the sex. I may have a little rough at times. Nothing extreme at all. That was about when my wife told me the sex was too much and too lasted long for her. She even told me to have sex with other women!. I know she doesn't really mean that. She just wanted my passive Beta man back.

In addition, I am joining meetup groups. The newest on being a hiking group. The next one is a 10 mile hike. I've been meeting many people. That's what MMSLP has done for me. I am becoming more confident each day. I was always too needy before. Not anymore. I no longer NEED my wife anymore. She is no longer my everything.


I will agree that it take a lot of work to be Alpha. Especially because I am more Beta. I am still trying to find my balance that works for both my wife and I to be happy.

Overall, it seems like MMSLP is like the 180 we hear so much about. Fix ourselves to be more attractive with the opposite sex.
 
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