I posted a while ago about the OW's husband bothering me about letting her call to apologize to me. My choice ended up being no, there is nothing I need to say to her. Mind you, my H and the OW had their affair in June 08 and her H has know since July 08. I was brought in the loop October 09.
Her husband keeps messaging myself and my husband with a range of idiocy. He will message my husband this whole long thing basically blaming him for everything and calling him every name in the book. I fully accept that he has every right to be upset and angry with my H. But enough is enough.
He messaged me again, and I told him that if he was going to continue to contact my H and take out all his anger and frustration on him, then I was going to start messaging his wife and doing the same. The only difference between us is that my H and I have two kids and they have none. So I informed him that the only reason I haven't contacted her and ripped into her, was out of respect for him. I don't want to come between them and there healing, I just want them to leave me and my H alone so we can heal too. Is that unreasonable? He wrote me back and apologized for his behavior, and asked me to apologize to me H. I told him he didn't owe my H an apology, nothing he said was untrue but that he needed to work on things with his wife, not us.
I would not threaten to do the same to his wife, even though she is the OW. I would say something like this:
"Let me be very clear here. Unless my H contacts your W, do not contact either one of us again in any manner--phone, IM, or email. If you do I will file a police report for stalking. Enough is enough."
Then if you contacts you, file the report. If need be, change your email, phone, etc. Yeah it's a pain but it will document the nearly criminal behavior and then if you REALLY have to, you can get a restraining order.
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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
DawnD, it sounds like you handled this with class-hats off to you. I would suggest, check your phone account on-line, they often give you access to block text messages from specific #'s. I would do that, if possible.
Is his communication affecting your relationship? Is it a hinderance or an annoyance? I (personally-not saying this is the right thing to do etc.) would suggest to him that his actions are considered harrassement and there are laws that protect people from that. I would not contact his wife...you never know how that will affect your relationship...they may be the straw that gets your H and her talking about dumb stuff again (it's not worth it). Suggest to her H that if this is how he is going to act, he may not be ready to repair things with his W but you are trying to repair them with your H.
If you do contact his wife, I would just forward all the texts that he is sending you guys right back to her...let her deal with him (she probably does not realize this is going on and would probably be embarrassed or ticked off if she did).
You can also block his phone number (possibly) or if worse comes to worse, change your phone numbers. That way, you know that no one is contacting anyone and if they do, it is after this specific date. There would be no reason for her to have his number or him to have her number or the H to have anyones number etc.
Honestly, neither I or my H even have her number. I have no intention of contacting her, but I am trying to get a read on this guy. Its almost as if he WANTS me to flip my lid on her when honestly, I wouldn't give her the time of day.
I have suggested to my H that we might have to let him know hey, if this keeps up we are going to file a police report and he has agreed that it needs to stop.
It doesn't really effect our relationship too much but I don't like him constantly contacting me. He needs to take his issues up with his wife. She is the one that owes him an explanation, not me or my H.
Ya I would change your number first. And then file a report no harm in that. I think that he is avoiding the problem with his wife in taking it all out on him. regardless he needs to accept that it takes two and now matter what excuse his wife is giving she did it. and she should take responsibility for it. your husband is out of the picture and has you to explain to and thats it.
Why is it when someone has an A, the other has to put up with a bunch of crap! Someone the other day said "yeah the OW is a real bunny boiler if you know what I mean". You don't know who is or who is not a "bunny boiler". Your H exposed you to this guy. (This was part of my ramblings to my H, what he exposed me and our kids too..the OW in our case is a bunny boiler) ....
'nuff of that. I think this guy relates to you. Like most people on this site, we gravitate to each other. We share a bond with each other than we don't share with our significant others. I recently told my H, "you will NEVER know how I feel, or even close". I wasn't angry its just something he will never know the true extent of the pain. So he probably does not know why he is harrassing you but I think that is why. He's trying to understand it, he thinks you might help him.
Having said that, you are not responsible for fixing the OW's H. You have your own feelings to deal with. In your shoes I'd say "this actually makes it worse for me every time you call. I don't want an apology from your wife, I want to cut all communication with you both and move on with our lives". Block his texts as well and if you can't, then delete without reading. If he finds away to keep bugging you then get an order of protection against harrassment.
When I found out, I tossed my H out. During that time, the OW wanted to come apologize to me. Actually she was forced to. She's not married but is very close to her family. Her family used to be friends of ours. First person I told was her older brother. It was her family who said you have to apologize. I let her come but then regretted it...it was the ...polite thing to do. I was angry with myself for letting her come talk to me and feeling so weak. I wanted to punch her right there. Believe the apology was neither intended (it was forced) and did me more harm than good.
The one "smart" thing my H did in this was cut all contact. The Bunny Boiling #itch didn't want to do that but she was sneaky. Emailed him and asked him to set up another account. He showed it to me, hit delete, and emptied trash. I said keep it, if she continues to harrass after the no contact letter, then we need that. He said if he just hit delete then she would stop. But any response, even a negative will encourage her. Well on email #3 (he wouldn't open them, but I did...) I replied "leave me alone, don't ever contact me again" from his account. I got a very quick reply "please I just have to ask you something and you never have to talk to me again". He deleted it, blocked her email and her phone and she never contacted him after that.
You need zero contact with her or anyone associated with her.
He's clearly hurting. Your H (and his W) caused him incredible pain - which you know first hand. Ah, the gifts their little trysts bring to us.
Its been a long time and this is still the way he needs to handle it? It tells me that his W is not helping him get through it like your H is helping you. She's clearly an A-hole.
This is a tough one. But yes, at the end of the day, the guy needs to understand that the hurt he's feeling is the same hurt that you experienced and that you need it to end so you need him to back off. Let the nightmare end.
Then, just ignore him. Don't read his emails, don't take his calls. Just ignore him. Not sure if that's possible.
Gee, I guess I'm lucky my H's were all single. How very thoughtful of him. Grr.
You and your husband seem to making a great recovery....don't let the affair people in your life to put doubt back in the picture.
You don't need this and neither does your marriage, the husband needs to deal with his issues by himself and stop trying to keep your husband in the picture......
I know you feel his pain but enough is enough, ignore like others have said....
he will stop when he figures out no one is listening.....
the whole affair thing just seems to rear it's ugly head over and over again...
don't let it, don't let them live in your marriage...
You two are on the road to recovery and that is tough enough without anyone else in the picture,
keep up the good work....
What would you do?
