Should I feel guilty?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-14-2008, 02:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Should I feel guilty?

Should I feel guilty about an incident that happended with a sort of ex.

We met up for lunch and drinks after not seeing each other for 3 years. He lives in another city but we would maintain casual contact over the years. There has always been a connection between us and I knew this going into our recent meeting. I intially tried to keep the meeting very light - requesting a Sat afternoon catch up. As the time passed, we were having fun reminising and decided to go for a drink. That one drink reduced my inhibitions and decided that we could spend the rest of the evening/night together. Nothing happened physically, but there was alot of talk about when we were together and he stated that I was the biggest regret of his life. Although I never told him to stop, he did mention that he respects my marriage and he "wasn't going to do this", but he kept talking in these tones. In the end, we said our goodbyes and he is home and I have resumed life. I feel like I betrayed my husband for not stopping this kind of talk and for actually being excited by it and participating in it. I did not say at any point that I would leave my husband nor that we could be together, but I did actively discuss what went wrong with our "relationship". This lead to him being more upset and I think I actually felt a little good about the fact that he saw what he lost. I have made a decision to never see this old friend again as it is too tempting. How should I handle this guilt feeling that I have not respected my husband and in fact have been untruthful by omision.
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Old 04-14-2008, 03:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

Don’t feel guilty and chalk it up to closure on that relationship. Since there may be temptation in the future, discontinue all contact with him and continue to love and respect your husband. You didn't do anything wrong so there is nothing to confess.
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Old 04-15-2008, 02:46 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

you have no need to feel guilty, at least you are civil to each other. Plus he respected you and your hubby.

He is apparently a decent person. I comment you both for not stepping over the boundry.

But make sure your hubby knows that everything is cool. Do they get along at all? Maybe you all can be friends.
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Old 04-15-2008, 06:27 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

Speaking of boundaries, before you continue your association with this man, please read the late Dr Shirley Glass' book "Not Just Friends" to get an education on boundaries.

Forgive me for being nosy, have you or your husband been a victim of infidelity in the past?
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

We have never been unfaithful in the past. Spoke with H last night about feeling guilty of staying out with ex for so long that night. I stated how I felt it was inappropriate for a married woman to spend evening/night with ex. I tried to have him join us for the evening/night part, but he was too tired. He stated that he was glad that I did b/c he does not want me to feel like I'm in a glass box. Stated that when he was visiting his family, he met up with an old ex also - didn't even tell me b/c he thought it was not relevant.Also stated that he is only partial to information that pertains to him ex. if he is sick and the Dr's won't tell him or if someone is trying to screw him financially,ect...Don't know if this under his definition "screws" him.
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Old 12-20-2013, 07:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

You really danced around the boundaries. This is not some innocent thing that is "harmless". Put an ice pack on the area and let the blood flow return to your brain. Be flattered and consider this your "fond farewell" if you value your marriage.

Flattery is nice but it sounds like you let yourself get a little too high off the effects and didn't have full control.

My guess is if your husband was a fly in the wall, he'd be a bit more bothered and feel "screwed"
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Old 12-20-2013, 07:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

So, you invited your husband but he couldn't go with you?

Should you feel guilty? Maybe. But only a smidgen, not very much.
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Old 12-20-2013, 07:28 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

Oooooooooooooo, careful, horseyperson! You really dodged a bullet with your "friend." Dating (and let's be honest, that's exactly what you did) another man when you're married is a BIG no no; A recipe for disaster. And "spending the night with him?!" Wow!! I think you came very close to crossing an almost unforgiveable boundary line! "Whew!" I applaud your resolution to NEVER, EVER see this man again. He's poison to your marriage. Please stick to it. Maybe give your husband a little more attention than you usually do. Make him feel special....that he has absolutely nothing to worry about.
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Old 12-20-2013, 07:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

5 year old zombie thread
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Old 12-20-2013, 08:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

Quote:
Originally Posted by walkonmars View Post
5 year old zombie thread
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Old 12-20-2013, 08:23 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Ahhhhhhhhh! Hilarious!! I never even thought to look at the date! What a hoot. Guess I need to be a little more observant. Wonder how it got posted today?? And, I wonder whatever happened to the horseylady. Guess it's just one of the sweet mysteries of life.
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Old 12-20-2013, 08:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by walkonmars View Post
5 year old zombie thread
I've been missing The Walking Dead more than I thought, lol
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Old 12-20-2013, 09:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

Your husband may be a lot more savvy than you give him credit for and may have been willing to hang back for the evening so you could test your own limits and see how it made you feel and also to establish where you stood regarding him and your marriage. Confident people often are able to take these kinds of risks, they don't need to be controlling. If what they want is a loyal spouse, it's reassuring to see what their partner will actually do or not do given an opportunity. Now you know what you would do. In the future in a situation like this you could ask your spouse to drop you off and pick you up so he shows his face at either end in a friendly way, and goes off to run an 'errand' or go to a 'meeting' he couldn't reschedule, or you could decide to be more firm on not drinking and keeping it to coffee in a crowded venue.
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Old 12-20-2013, 09:34 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

Quote:
Originally Posted by horserider42 View Post
Should I feel guilty about an incident that happended with a sort of ex.

We met up for lunch and drinks after not seeing each other for 3 years. He lives in another city but we would maintain casual contact over the years. There has always been a connection between us and I knew this going into our recent meeting. I intially tried to keep the meeting very light - requesting a Sat afternoon catch up. As the time passed, we were having fun reminising and decided to go for a drink. That one drink reduced my inhibitions and decided that we could spend the rest of the evening/night together. Nothing happened physically, but there was alot of talk about when we were together and he stated that I was the biggest regret of his life. Although I never told him to stop, he did mention that he respects my marriage and he "wasn't going to do this", but he kept talking in these tones. In the end, we said our goodbyes and he is home and I have resumed life. I feel like I betrayed my husband for not stopping this kind of talk and for actually being excited by it and participating in it. I did not say at any point that I would leave my husband nor that we could be together, but I did actively discuss what went wrong with our "relationship". This lead to him being more upset and I think I actually felt a little good about the fact that he saw what he lost. I have made a decision to never see this old friend again as it is too tempting. How should I handle this guilt feeling that I have not respected my husband and in fact have been untruthful by omision.
The question is, would you be upset if your husband had this conversation with his ex? Then you have your answer. Knowing your husband, would he be upset if he had been standing behind you? If so, then you should feel guilty.

Edit-wow, i have wine newer than this thread.
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Old 12-20-2013, 09:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I feel guilty?

Quote:
Originally Posted by horserider42 View Post
requesting a Sat afternoon catch up. As the time passed, we were having fun reminising and decided to go for a drink. That one drink reduced my inhibitions and decided that we could spend the rest of the evening/night together. Nothing happened physically, but there was alot of talk about when we were together and he stated that I was the biggest regret of his life. Although I never told him to stop, he did mention that he respects my marriage and he "wasn't going to do this", but he kept talking in these tones. In the end, we said our goodbyes and he is home and I have resumed life
I disagree with what more users are telling you.

you should felt guilt, he played all the player's moves but it seems that he really stopped himself from doing more, I am almost sure that if he had gave you more alcohol and you have discussed a Little more of how great you are, how much he regrets things with you, and how dump he was for letting you go he could have took you to bed.

I am sure you have regreted it inmediatly but it would have been to late.

you should avoid any kind of exclusive meeting (just 2 persons) with someone from opposite when there is alcohol involved and much more if this person was someone you had intimacy in the past.

you don't know how many stories like yous I have read where the married person ends sleeping with the OM/OW under the circumstances you just described.

And please don't say, "not me, I will cheat on my husband because" because anyone can cheat, and more if you are not aware of how easy is to cheat when you are not taking the mesures to prevent it (like boundaries who you obviously crossed that night).

you maybe went there without the intention of anything happening, but please read carefully, we have so many of stories of WS in this forum where they state the same "I didn't woke up that day thinking that I would cheat on my spouse it just happened"

please enforce your boundaries
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