I just found out about his one night stand that happened years ago...

Heartbroken · 04-14-2008, 03:57 PM

We are married for 14 years and we dated for 5 years prior. My husband recently confessed to me that he had a one night stand during the year before we were married. We were engaged at that point, it that counts. Anyway, He also told me that he was confused about a co worker now that he works with. He has confided in her things that he has never before told me until now. He said he felt as if he could not talk to me. This all happened 6 months ago. I am still hurt and confused. I thought we had a fairytale marriage. I was/am so naive. Since finding all of this out 6 months ago. I have been a wreck. I have also caught him looking at porn on the internet. He says it's nothing and that all men do it. I just feel like he's cheating on me all over again. How do i talk to him about this? I tell him i don't like him watching the porn. He told me that he was going to watch it and that he would hide it from me because of how it makes me feel. He said the only way to keep him from it would be to have the internet shut off. Why can't he just choose not to watch it since he knows that it is affecting our relationship? Please someone comment....

Immortalone · 04-14-2008, 04:34 PM

I think you need to ask him what he gets from it. Is it a fantisy he see's in the porn? If it is, is it a fantisy you can bring into your bedroom and fullfill it? It might be he just likes looking at women I don't know. But you are going to have to talk to him and find out the root cause of it I'm affraid.

GAsoccerman · 04-15-2008, 12:42 AM

Well give up on the 1 night stand....that i over and done with and he truly regrets it.

Now witht he porn, As I say to everyone, you should watch it with him, He has obvious fanasties, find out what they are and see if you are interested.

do you have fantasies at all and discussed it with them?

I ahve a female co-worker that has said some really wild stuff to me, mind blowing....almost like verbal porn....And she is married so am I......But I told my wife everything sh told me as in....Can you believe person A said this to me....I also found out the person in the office (female) would liek a 1 night encounter...So I told my wife, My wife was shocked especially when I told my wife it was not me she wanted, but she wanted a 1 night stand with my wife....Shocked is an understatement.

But of course this woman's husband has no idea his wife is interested in other women (BTW my wife is not interested) But hey that is a fantasy of mine I would love to see happen...but it won't (reality bites)

But this co-worker...may be his fantasy outlet.....You my darling need to bring that back in to it being you.

Again said this before....Watch the movies with him, do a little role playing, see what has peaked his interests, maybe it will peak yours.

But I think you can trust him, he did discuss it with you and he wants you involved...now you need to take it a step further. Bring him back as a confident, ahve him tell you his fantasies...then act on them.

stav · 04-15-2008, 02:33 AM

Forget the one night stand sweetie... 15 years ago, before you were married? Come on get past it. To be honest I don't understand why he bothered to confess it now after all this time.

Porn.. well men do porn, can't see the point of it myself, (i'd rather be doing it than watching it

) but men are more visual than us females, and it's a pretty normal thing for most men.

I get the impression you are a little bit of an innocent, so when you say porn, are we talking really dirty nasty stuff, or just pictures of naked ladies?

I think that your hubby's sudden confessions are perhaps his way of dropping a hint or two that something is amiss, perhaps he is feeling a little unwanted or neglected, needs to talk to you about it and doesn't know how to bring the subject up.

You must swallow your inhibitions about this stuff and sit down to talk to him about it. Perhaps after 14 years where you have settled in all comfy, he feels like he is missing out on something. Sort it out with him, before he feels the need to look elsewhere.

CantThinkOfAJUserName · 04-15-2008, 04:36 AM

Folks please don't minimize the emotional impact that her then fiance ONS had on her. Yes I agree that it is over and done with, especially for her husband, but it is brand new for her and much like any other fling or affair, she needs to grieve in order to be able to heal. Furthermore, her husband's insensitivity towards her with his porn viewing ("normal" as it may be for some men) is only compounding her hurt.

You need to show your husband in a non-abusive way, how much his revelation and his porn viewing are hurting you. If he cares about you, he will step up to the plate and do the right thing.

Heartbroken · 04-15-2008, 03:31 PM

Thank you! CANTTHINKOFAUSERNAME.

It's true what you said, about it is still new news to me. I do realize that it was so long ago, but it still hurts now. I am getting past it though it's begining to hurt a little less each day. I appreciate your understanding.
He works long hours, so there is not allot of time to talk to him when he is not tired and cranky. i try to catch him before he is off to work in the morning and I have been trying to pay closer attention to him, more that usual. I hope things are getting back to normal, whatever that is going to be for us now...

swedish · 04-16-2008, 08:52 AM

In reading your post, what stood out for me was that he is struggling with his issues from his past (before he met you) and realizes it must be impacting how he has acted since being with you. I really think he wants you to be the one he works through his issues with and is finally opening up to you because he doesn't want to do the wrong thing again and get close to another woman. For whatever reason (could be he didn't want to introduce issues into your marriage, etc.) he was unable to open up to you in the past, and he sees it was the wrong way to keep your marriage strong. While uncovering my husband's affair, I also found porn and I understand what it's like to get hit with all of this at once. It's devastating to say the least. One thing that helped me was to understand better why he was watching the porn. For him, it wasn't that he didn't find me attractive or exciting enough, it was completely separate from our intimate relationship. He was able to release some tension (sexual or otherwise) without having to worry about pleasing me, etc. In everything I researched on the subject, I did find a trend that says men are visual and have sexual urges, etc. and at the end of the day I'd rather he deal with those urges with looking at a monitor than interacting with an actual woman. Once I was able to come to peace with the porn discovery, it was much easier to focus on the real issues and concerns (the ones involving actual people). Now that we are doing well as a couple, he rarely looks at porn (i've asked him) even though I have told him I've come to terms with it as long as it doesn't affect our sex life.