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Separated. Wife has another guy. What now?

51K views 179 replies 52 participants last post by  bandit.45 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello Forum Members - first time poster here (have been reading some for a few weeks) and decided I need some advice at least on my situation. I was unsure where to post this, but I feel it does technically belong in the 'Coping with Infidelity' Forum.

Basically, my 8-year marriage has or is breaking-down - my wife 'Danielle' Idont know if I can use her real name) and I married in 2004 and there was that instant 'hit' and we felt we were 'soul-mates'...this belied an uglier side, namely that is, a very volatile and tumultuous relationship. (right now, I'll admit I have 'anger-management' issues and Danielle is very feisty and can be confrontational - hence explosiveness).

The problems we went through really got bad in the last 6 months of last year, 8 months after we'd moved house to see if that could breathe some better air into our marriage. Regardless of me being the primary breadwinner (Dani is on a 2 year career-break) I became very lazy and Danielle, always the do-er, took the reigns of the marriage and in a way became the 'husband': DIY, gardening, cooking, cleaning, kids-run, shopping, etc.

FF to February 15th...she just comes out with: "I can't do this anymore...it's over...we need to separate". Far from being shocked, because of the nature of the marriage at that point, I actually thought this would be a viable solution and agreed with her...thinking it would only take a few weeks. I moved out a few days later to stay with my parents and we agreed that I'd come over Fridays>Sundays to look after and spend time with the kids...she was free to go out with her friends, see her folks, and not have to do all the stuff she'd been doing which, in her own words, "I've been slowly disappearing up my arse while you sit around doing nothing".

This is where I got stupid and ignorant whereby I'd go over and she'd often say "I'm going to stay with my sister" or "me and my girlfriends are going out tonight I won't be back til tomorrow"
This carries on for 7 weeks...April 6th...Saturday night Im just looking on Facebook and a friend's mutual page where she'd uploaded some photos from a party back in late February.
I do a double-take when I see one, solitary photo of Danielle, all dressed up looking very attractive and some rough-looking guy in a suit.
I know this guy. I've met him once.
And that was when he came over to our home in late December 2012 to do some surveying on our house
I don't want to assume anything...but you know my heart was beating so fast I could feel the anxiety building up in my stomach and chest. I call her: "we need to talk now....you have to come home...now"
She arrives 15 mins later and I have it out with her: "What's going on between you and this guy 'Darren'?
I don't want to go through the exact conversation but she admitted she'd been seeing him since we split up...5 days after I moved out to be exact and she rationalized it thus: "we are techncailly separated so it doesn't matter if t was 1st day after".

Long story short, she says she isn't going to stop seeing him, he's a nice guy, makes her feel good and wanted and she's been missing this for years, and that he is into her as much as she's into him. She says we are 'dead' as a couple, but need to be strong for our kids.
Sorry for rambling, but tinking about this now is bringing back some triggers....but to date, we are still separated, the only way I can see my kids is to go back home at weekends (call me a doormat but I've agreed to this)...which allows her up to go and say her her bf's house (can't do anything about this...but it kills me. Qhen I first saw this guy I thought "No freaking way!? He's 'punching above his weight' with my wife!?)

I feel like I'm in 'No Man's Land'...this situation, has, totally 'paralyzed' me and I admit, I feel...lost. I still love my wife...I still fancy her like crazy...I think she's having a Mid-Life-Crsis'...so, do I let this all blow over? file for Divorce, do I move back to our home??
Tearing me up right now...:(:(

So, I don't know if this is an affair....or infidelity or cheating because we are separated....hope someone can offer short-term or long-term advice....Im open to anything and will answer all your queries.
 
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#132 ·
Read the top link in my thread. *I* and others helped him through this period in his life. Another poster RDMU and actual friend now.

Stick around. You would be surprised how much this group can help you cause all of us have some of your issues.

Oh and we are FREE.
 
#135 ·
From what I have read, Dave, it is still not too late to redeem yourself and your self esteem. Man up, go get your wife - she wants you to. Make her remorseful for what she has done and you show remorse for striking her. But above all man up and do what is right - sitting back in self pity is very destructive all round.
 
#142 ·
And Dave can I say one more thing to you.

I truly hope you decide to change. To get better mentally, physically and spiritually.

Not just for your children but for yourself.

But secretly I hope you do it so in ten years when your exw has a family event that you both attend you have done the following:

You look great.
You feel great.
You are a strong confident man.
You have a beautiful woman on your arm who loves you for who you are.
That you love your children and want to be the best father for them.

And I hope your EXW scratches her head and wonders why you could not be that man with her for the rest of her life.....

So stop being depressed, get off your lazy butt and start moving forward with your new life.

You might have been an abuser but I also think you have been abused.

If you felt your wife was worth fighting for I think you would have fought for her.

Obviously she was not worth it to you Dave.

Cheaters rarely are. Especially when they think it will motivate their husbands to action.

In the end you both lost.

I hope you make the decision to be happy Dave.

Good Luck

HM64
 
#145 ·
Thanks HM!
You're right abut abuse: I suffered when I was a child...kind of physical and mental abuse really...but it would be back in the 1970s when kids 'punishing' parents was a regular thing not like things are now...but it did affect me.
I do feel incredibly guilty about what I did toward Danielle and now, when I sit back and reflect..I really am surprised a) she didn't meet someone else sooner and b) stayed with me for so long.
But then, kids do change the mindset incredibly.

As for fighting for my wife - you are right (as is she): I've done fcuk-all about it apart sit back and (hope) wait for it to blow itself out.
It has of course, dropped off a lot in the last 2-3 months....she even tried to end it totally in May, but Im sure that down the line, unless I change dramatically (and her also), the marriage would carry on in its own toxic way and she (or even I) would have our head turned again.

Many thanks!
 
#146 ·
At least you are aware of all the damage on both sides Dave.

Like I said I hope you decide to be happy.

You deserve it.
Your kids deserve it.

But in my mind dani does not deserve your happiness.

She cheated. End of story.

Now write this on your mirror and on your refrigerator dave in big letters.

"Just Do It!"

Go be happy Dave.

HM
 
#150 ·
I have to bump this because Dave Carter’s post in another thread had me wondering about his story.

Dave, my story is the same as yours, minus the whole kids thing. I had a rather brief marriage with no children – but the similarities lie in that once my wife and I separated, she was with her co-worker immediately after and before our divorce was finalized. In short, she had wanted to be with this guy for a long time and had checked out our marriage only two years in. I’ll save you all the awful details, but I spiraled into severe depression, lack of self esteem, and felt completely hopeless. Weight loss, panic attacks, crying.

Just like you, I did the whole comparison thing to with the OM. What does he have that I don’t have? I was better looking, in shape, a great catch, a provider, and loved her. This guy was a fat slob who makes marginally more money and lives with his mom. I did not understand it.

I am here to tell you that it gets better, A LOT better.

I am so glad that I’m divorced from my cheating ex-wife and I would not have it any other way. The woman I’m with now is prettier, smarter, more independent, loyal, and is borderline obsessed with me. We laugh, we have sex all the time, we eat at amazing restaurants, its awesome.

What I did WAS repair myself and swear off relationships for more than a year. I worked out, flirted a ton, focused on work, spent time with family, made all new friends, found a new job that pays me a ton of money, and moved to a beautiful new town and far away from my ex-wife and her new boyfriend. I became someone I WANTED to be, and the result was a woman who came into my life who loved my confidence, humor, independence, etc.

One day, while on Facebook, I saw a picture of my ex’s new boyfriend and laughed my ass off. Why? Because I knew I’d won and he had lost. He gained a bi-polar trainwreck of a girlfriend and I had gained my freedom from a truly awful individual. If I ever meet the guy, I’m going to shake his hand and tell him thanks for taking her off my hands.

You losing your wife to this other guy is a blessing in disguise! Your wife will never change, it doesn’t matter who she is with. She will turn on him just like she turned on you. She’s garbage.
Get yourself together and take charge of your life! I did, and my life is great now!
 
#151 · (Edited)
Cinema

Thanks for your thread-bump and comments. However, I look back now, and I admit the following:
1 - We should never have stayed married beyond the birth of our first baby (2005)
2 - I should never have used physicality toward my wife when she 'pushed my buttons' :eek:
3 - I realise now, after therapy, that my issues as a child caused me, over the years, to view my wife as more of a 'mother-figure'...Oedipus Complex 101
4 - It's never a good idea to refrain from sex from your wife for 12 months at a time :scratchhead:
5 - I'm surprised she didnt leave me years before

When she met her OM, the reason I got too 'obsessed' with him, is because he did tick many boxes of what (if you believe sexual-ranking or not) an Alpha-Male is. In short he was ex-army, now works in construction, not that good-looking but pretty solidly-built guy and as confirmed by my wife, rather well-hung. (so, even I will admit, that women will gravitate toward that kind of man). Machiavelli would have a field-day with this!

Now, as I look back, during our initial separation, she always said to me that I had to 'get over' me being convinced he was trying to steal my wife off me - it was one of those 'friendships' that moved into a sexual / romantic situation.

It was made worse for me, that I felt physically or emotionally unable to 'win' my wife back or even try to compete for her: I'd felt she was gone, moved on and therefore I wasn't going to humiliate myself by even trying. She says now, when we look back at this period, that she felt very 'discarded' and disappointed that I didn't want her back. Or would even fight for her.

It's a tricky one. We are both moving on, Divorce is going along without any major issues (except financially of course), I still see her every weekend when I pick up the kids and she isn't with her 1st OM anymore (I don't know if you read any of my other posts, but a friend of mine, after hearing what had happened between my wife and I, decided to try his luck and his ego and had a 'mini-affair' for 2 months with my wife last Summer.
He effectively wanted to see if he he could 'out-Alpha' her OM#1 :mad:)

Rather messy, but things are at least civil and cordial between us. A lot of regret and feelings of 'what might have been'...
 
#152 ·
This is such a sad, sad thread. Dave, you sound like you feel you deserve what has happened to you. I hope someday you realize that you don't deserve it, get your self-esteem back and correct all the things you need to about yourself to have a fantastic relationship with someone new.
 
#155 ·
DC. find a player and be a wingman for a while. Once you get it once... success begets success.

I know both a HIGH level looks player and his wingman. Wingman is the happiest guy on earth. Trust me that looks players discards would make 95% of men very very happy.

I do hope that "friend" is an ex friend.
 
#156 ·
Thanks WL...but I still suffer from similar and certain mental / physical issues when it comes to 'interacting' with a woman.
Maybe a bout of therapy would come in handy...and a need to adhere to that old cliche: "if you don't use it...you'll lose it"

I'm 46 now, and all my friends, a very close circle, are now married and settled so if anything, I guess Online-Dating will be the way to go...

It's made even more frustrating as all the women in my office have said I'm a real 'looker' and in great shape for my age....it doesn't account for much when your head is screwed up though...
 
#163 ·
Not really. She felt sadness and despair that, maybe after 8 years together I didn't love her after-all and that the idea of the 'perfect wife, 2 kids and nice house' was what I felt bad about losing....rather than her to the OM.

She felt the way things were going, either she would end up in the asylum or one of us would be dead.
She met the OM, he said all the right words, listened and made his play.
OM#2 knew (from talking to me), that her situation with OM#1 might be fizzling-out and maneuvered his way in, more of an ego-trip for him than anything else I think...

I do feel bad and deserve all I got - I was abusive, lazy, self-obsessed and as I said, lost sight of what I had.
 
#168 ·
Dave, given what you have told us, if you continued working on yourself and your ex suddenly (re) liked what she was seeing would you reconcile do you think?
 
#175 · (Edited)
Most women follow predictable patterns based on their attributes and personality; coupled with their upbringing & environment. It is largely up to the man to figure out his particular woman and manipulate (not in criminal manner) the way you deal with her property. You have to pre-diagnose her wishes-hopes-dreams and beat her there. You have to maintain strict awareness of her "fairy-tale". It must be near to your heart. It sure as hell is near to her's. As long as she is under your "spell" things are generally fine. If/when the spell ever wears off........ Have fun filling in your own personal blanks.
 
#179 ·
Well, to be fair, every guy's woman is attractive!
She's 40 now. So, as on-the-slide as she maybe, she still looks good when she scrubs-up well and goes out: 5'7", 125lb or so, no t!ts, nice legs/body, shoulder-length straight blonde, blue eyes, great smile (thin lips)...yeah she's good for her age, I'll admit.

As is her character toward me (and me back), she throw a few verbal-jabs at me during her time with the OM#1 last year when she kindly informed me that his buddies/mates said to him "you've got a real catch with this one".
The fact that she 'traded-down' with him (looks-wise, anyway), that was quite humiliating, to be honest.

I don't know is she is in 'chaos' as such, but the situation with OM#2 f*cked with her a bit because I think she was really into him...for a short time, anyway and he was a definite 'trade-up'.
 
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