Hello Forum Members - first time poster here (have been reading some for a few weeks) and decided I need some advice at least on my situation. I was unsure where to post this, but I feel it does technically belong in the 'Coping with Infidelity' Forum.
Basically, my 8-year marriage has or is breaking-down - my wife 'Danielle' Idont know if I can use her real name) and I married in 2004 and there was that instant 'hit' and we felt we were 'soul-mates'...this belied an uglier side, namely that is, a very volatile and tumultuous relationship. (right now, I'll admit I have 'anger-management' issues and Danielle is very feisty and can be confrontational - hence explosiveness).
The problems we went through really got bad in the last 6 months of last year, 8 months after we'd moved house to see if that could breathe some better air into our marriage. Regardless of me being the primary breadwinner (Dani is on a 2 year career-break) I became very lazy and Danielle, always the do-er, took the reigns of the marriage and in a way became the 'husband': DIY, gardening, cooking, cleaning, kids-run, shopping, etc.
FF to February 15th...she just comes out with: "I can't do this anymore...it's over...we need to separate". Far from being shocked, because of the nature of the marriage at that point, I actually thought this would be a viable solution and agreed with her...thinking it would only take a few weeks. I moved out a few days later to stay with my parents and we agreed that I'd come over Fridays>Sundays to look after and spend time with the kids...she was free to go out with her friends, see her folks, and not have to do all the stuff she'd been doing which, in her own words, "I've been slowly disappearing up my arse while you sit around doing nothing".
This is where I got stupid and ignorant whereby I'd go over and she'd often say "I'm going to stay with my sister" or "me and my girlfriends are going out tonight I won't be back til tomorrow"
This carries on for 7 weeks...April 6th...Saturday night Im just looking on Facebook and a friend's mutual page where she'd uploaded some photos from a party back in late February.
I do a double-take when I see one, solitary photo of Danielle, all dressed up looking very attractive and some rough-looking guy in a suit.
I know this guy. I've met him once.
And that was when he came over to our home in late December 2012 to do some surveying on our house
I don't want to assume anything...but you know my heart was beating so fast I could feel the anxiety building up in my stomach and chest. I call her: "we need to talk now....you have to come home...now"
She arrives 15 mins later and I have it out with her: "What's going on between you and this guy 'Darren'?
I don't want to go through the exact conversation but she admitted she'd been seeing him since we split up...5 days after I moved out to be exact and she rationalized it thus: "we are techncailly separated so it doesn't matter if t was 1st day after".
Long story short, she says she isn't going to stop seeing him, he's a nice guy, makes her feel good and wanted and she's been missing this for years, and that he is into her as much as she's into him. She says we are 'dead' as a couple, but need to be strong for our kids.
Sorry for rambling, but tinking about this now is bringing back some triggers....but to date, we are still separated, the only way I can see my kids is to go back home at weekends (call me a doormat but I've agreed to this)...which allows her up to go and say her her bf's house (can't do anything about this...but it kills me. Qhen I first saw this guy I thought "No freaking way!? He's 'punching above his weight' with my wife!?)
I feel like I'm in 'No Man's Land'...this situation, has, totally 'paralyzed' me and I admit, I feel...lost. I still love my wife...I still fancy her like crazy...I think she's having a Mid-Life-Crsis'...so, do I let this all blow over? file for Divorce, do I move back to our home??
Tearing me up right now...
So, I don't know if this is an affair....or infidelity or cheating because we are separated....hope someone can offer short-term or long-term advice....Im open to anything and will answer all your queries.
Basically, my 8-year marriage has or is breaking-down - my wife 'Danielle' Idont know if I can use her real name) and I married in 2004 and there was that instant 'hit' and we felt we were 'soul-mates'...this belied an uglier side, namely that is, a very volatile and tumultuous relationship. (right now, I'll admit I have 'anger-management' issues and Danielle is very feisty and can be confrontational - hence explosiveness).
The problems we went through really got bad in the last 6 months of last year, 8 months after we'd moved house to see if that could breathe some better air into our marriage. Regardless of me being the primary breadwinner (Dani is on a 2 year career-break) I became very lazy and Danielle, always the do-er, took the reigns of the marriage and in a way became the 'husband': DIY, gardening, cooking, cleaning, kids-run, shopping, etc.
FF to February 15th...she just comes out with: "I can't do this anymore...it's over...we need to separate". Far from being shocked, because of the nature of the marriage at that point, I actually thought this would be a viable solution and agreed with her...thinking it would only take a few weeks. I moved out a few days later to stay with my parents and we agreed that I'd come over Fridays>Sundays to look after and spend time with the kids...she was free to go out with her friends, see her folks, and not have to do all the stuff she'd been doing which, in her own words, "I've been slowly disappearing up my arse while you sit around doing nothing".
This is where I got stupid and ignorant whereby I'd go over and she'd often say "I'm going to stay with my sister" or "me and my girlfriends are going out tonight I won't be back til tomorrow"
This carries on for 7 weeks...April 6th...Saturday night Im just looking on Facebook and a friend's mutual page where she'd uploaded some photos from a party back in late February.
I do a double-take when I see one, solitary photo of Danielle, all dressed up looking very attractive and some rough-looking guy in a suit.
I know this guy. I've met him once.
And that was when he came over to our home in late December 2012 to do some surveying on our house
I don't want to assume anything...but you know my heart was beating so fast I could feel the anxiety building up in my stomach and chest. I call her: "we need to talk now....you have to come home...now"
She arrives 15 mins later and I have it out with her: "What's going on between you and this guy 'Darren'?
I don't want to go through the exact conversation but she admitted she'd been seeing him since we split up...5 days after I moved out to be exact and she rationalized it thus: "we are techncailly separated so it doesn't matter if t was 1st day after".
Long story short, she says she isn't going to stop seeing him, he's a nice guy, makes her feel good and wanted and she's been missing this for years, and that he is into her as much as she's into him. She says we are 'dead' as a couple, but need to be strong for our kids.
Sorry for rambling, but tinking about this now is bringing back some triggers....but to date, we are still separated, the only way I can see my kids is to go back home at weekends (call me a doormat but I've agreed to this)...which allows her up to go and say her her bf's house (can't do anything about this...but it kills me. Qhen I first saw this guy I thought "No freaking way!? He's 'punching above his weight' with my wife!?)
I feel like I'm in 'No Man's Land'...this situation, has, totally 'paralyzed' me and I admit, I feel...lost. I still love my wife...I still fancy her like crazy...I think she's having a Mid-Life-Crsis'...so, do I let this all blow over? file for Divorce, do I move back to our home??
Tearing me up right now...
So, I don't know if this is an affair....or infidelity or cheating because we are separated....hope someone can offer short-term or long-term advice....Im open to anything and will answer all your queries.