I found out about my H affair in Oct. We have decided to work on our marriage because we still love eachother. He has told me basically that he loves me but not "in love" wth me (BS, I know) and he is not happy, he feels like he is living a lie. I feel I have been doing everything I can to work on myself for us, I have been reading on line, bought 4 books, His Needs, Her Needs, The Love Dare, I love you But I'm Not In Love With you and The 5 Love Languages. While I am doing everything I know, he does NOTHING!!! I mean NOTHING. He knows I am doing these things and he just watches. I confronted him about this the other night and he told me that he has no motivation to work on us.
We have our 1st counselling session on Tues. I feel like I am losing the fight. I am starting to think that this might be a lost cause. I told him that i can't be the only one that fights for us. I can't be the only one doing all the work while he sits back and observes. What can I do to get him motivated? I just don't get it. I am so sad all of the time now. And that is not me, not my personality. I am usually pretty happy, always smiling and laughing. Now I feel like I'm just getting by day by day.
Hey there,
I'm in the same boat as you, I found out in Nov. about my hubby's affair, I got the same line, I love you but I'm not in love with you.
I have read the books and i have learned what I did wrong and why he felt the way he did.
I felt very bad as well, but I also know that you can't force someone to feel something they don't.
I've decided to just be me(I turned into this wimpy kind of woman that I didn't even like) and live the way I wanted and just showed him how I could survive without him.
I'm not happy with all that has happened but I think I'm at a spot that what ever happens I will be alright.
He wanted to end our marriage and explore some new kind of life.
He says not with the OW.....but who knows what is really true.
We have a separation agreement and have taken care of all the banking issues and legal issues, everything has happened except him moving out.....
He now says he needs more time to think, which I've given him, things are calm between us so it's not hard to do, just weird I guess since everyone thinks he is leaving.....
Maybe your hubby will have some kind of light bulb moment in your counselling session......give him time, I think there is some kind of tansition they have to live through when there has been an affair.....
being patient is hard because it feels like you are doing nothing.....
hang in there hun......sending hugs, I know I need them .....
Do you have all his passwords? Do you check the phone/text records regularly? Half the time when someone says they end an affair, they just hide it better. Thus the no motivation.
My situation was different, as he begged and begged to have me have me back after I found out, and I am the one lacking motivation to continue.
However, having gone to counseling I can tell you that it will open your eyes to the situation and shed light on areas you didn't realize before. I hope for your sake that he is extremely open and honest during this process.
Listen carefully to him during therapy, you may be surprised to hear what is going on inside of him.
If he continues this affair, even after all of your efforts - then you know that you are not blame. I know each situation is different and warrants different outcomes (ie to divorce or not), but remember this:
"You can forgive someone almost anything. But you cannot tolerate everything...We don't have to tolerate what people do just because we forgive them for doing it. Forgiving heals us personally. To tolerate everything only hurts us all in the long run." - Lewis B. Smedes
Keep your head up. I have reason to believe that if maybe you start being a little more assertive and act more confident it may cause him to reconsider his "motivation." I told him I deserve a happy marriage then I left for a week, telling him to think hard while I was gone. He REALLY changed his tune after that. But, like I said, each situation is different. Just know that this is not your fault. You are beautiful and you deserve the best. Make him see that.
I guess I am in a similar situation, however my H stills tells me he is in love with me and wants to grow old with me. The problem is, I am working my **** off trying to make our relationship better, and It seems he is just sitting back enjoying the changes I am making. I have sent him flowers, left notes for him etc. Basically all the things I would love to receive... and Nothing!!! I have tried several times to discuss with him the importance of him putting some effort in to repair the damage HE caused to me and our relationship. I try to act happy most of the time, but the truth is, my needs aren't being met,
My husband is the one who cheated and I feel like I'm the one left to repair the damage. I excepted my part in the way our relationship ended up. But I no means gave him a reason to cheat.
It feels as though we are like this..... If I want to continue being married to my man, then it has to be at the sacrifice of my own happiness and needs. But talking about this to my H, makes me worry I'm going to open another can, that I'm just not ready to deal with.
The pain over the past few months has been overwhelming, I'm just not ready for another helping yet.
While your man says he's not IN LOVE with you anymore, he is still there, and sounds like he's being honest. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Just hang in there, If you can get to the point where you are living for you, then hopefully you will be fine without him. We shouldn't accept any less that 100%..... But we do
I think Turnera made a great point and the better question is why he has no motivation.
I never cheated on my wife (she had EA recently) but I did lose my motivation a few years after we got married. Although I only truly realized it when I found out she had the EA. Once I realized what I could lose, that was all the fire I needed to reinvent myself, which everyone should seek to do. This is my first (hopefully only) marriage, first kids, etc. and my responsibilities have changed completely over the past 6 years. We all change.
Unfortunately, my wife does not share my realization. She is content keeping her emotional distance from me and it hurts.
We are in the same boat... I always thought that since she had the A, her desire to "right the wrongs" would exceed mine - I was wrong. It has been 10 months and today I joined this website. It is so sad to see so many people going through this. I hope your H will soon realize what life would be like without you, before it is too late.
I hope your H will soon realize what life would be like without you, before it is too late.
ME TOO!!!!
It's hard because we have 2 young children (5 and 4). I almost want to leave for while just so he can see that he won't be happier without us. The problem is, is I have no where to go. My family lives 16 hours away. Besides that, my parents don't know. Only my sister. If my dad found out he would hate him, and if we stay together, i don't want to deal with that. I'll tell them IF i absolutely have to.
turnera: I do check his phones, periodically. If I check them daily i get obsessed and i can't live like that. I do believe he has ended it, he only goes to work and comes home. There are no outside activities without me right now.
We started councelling last week and in that hour we were there our therapist said that we were emotionally disconnected. I agree. I find it hard to emotionally connect with someone that i trusted with everything i am, who lied and betrayed me. I am trying, I really am, but when is enough, enough? Do i just keep working on it until he makes the decision? Do I even make it up to him to make that decision? I can't imagine my life without us being a family, I can't imagine not growing old with him. I just don't know if he feels the same.
Hang in there. My husband was almost unbearable to be around for almost 5 months after his EA/PA ended. I didn't know the reason for his behavior at the time, but when he was finally over it, the change in him was remarkable. I have a lot of respect for those spouses who know the reason for the ugliness and are able to deal with that. Did the A end in November or before? Posted via Mobile Device
Hang in there. My husband was almost unbearable to be around for almost 5 months after his EA/PA ended. I didn't know the reason for his behavior at the time, but when he was finally over it, the change in him was remarkable. I have a lot of respect for those spouses who know the reason for the ugliness and are able to deal with that. Did the A end in November or before? Posted via Mobile Device
I found out about the EA in Sept. I was led to believe that it was just that until I found an explicit pic of her on his phone on Oct. 25. I believe it ended in Sept. when I initially found out about it.
He is now at the point where he doesn't know if we can be happy together. He keeps saying he loves me, but something is missing. I'm thinking that initial bloom/excitement/giddyness of love is what he wants. Who the hell knows anymore. I know he doesn't!
While I am doing everything I know, he does NOTHING!!! I mean NOTHING. He knows I am doing these things and he just watches. I confronted him about this the other night and he told me that he has no motivation to work on us...
May I make the observation that it may be that you are creating an environment for him in which there is no incentive to do anything?
Great point. We avoid what makes us unhappy and do what makes us feel good. Don't you want to be the person who makes him feel good, so that he WANTS to make YOU happy?
You are grieving the lost of "Trust" & "Security". Grief has a process and you have to heal. It will not happen over night. Your expectations are unrealistic of him. Our marriage has suffered on both sides from EA's. I was devastated when I discovered the relationships, my first reaction was divorce. My second reaction was depression. My final reaction was counseling, this was needed for me to understand me. Our doctor was excellent at not wasting time getting down to the real facts about each one of ideas about marriage. THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY. Then he told us we both had a choice we could stay or we go our separate ways. However we would not be allowed to use the past a weapon to control the present or the future. Once you accept the past and discover what they root of the problem is, you have to put some weed killer on it and move on. Some weeds do grow back if you don't get the entire root.
Great point. We avoid what makes us unhappy and do what makes us feel good. Don't you want to be the person who makes him feel good, so that he WANTS to make YOU happy?
Absofreakinlutely. So what do I need to stop doing. Everything?
no motivation
