MrsInPain

I am trying to simplify this as much as possible, but there is a lot going on with my story so please, please bear with me. I need help!!

While my husband and I were "dating" (before engagement), I found out he had an infant son (as in 2 months old) and a fiance in another state (about a 4 hour drive away). When I confronted him about what I had found out, he confirmed it, but said that he had to remain "engaged" to her in order to have his last name on his son's birth certificate. He said that they had not been intimate since she got pregnant and he was trying to figure out a way to leave her but still get to see his son. (Now that I know her, this is pretty valid - she's a super-b*tch and NEVER lets him see their son without her there.)

So, stupidly, I continued the relationship. He was with me 99% of the time so I sort of believed him. This dragged on for quite some time, about 5 or 6 months. I let it happen and it became normal, she would call and he'd pretend he wasn't with me, and even say "I love you" to her right in front of me on the phone.

Finally one day he told me that they officially broke up. Shortly there after he asked me to marry him. Our relationship was extremely passionate and we spent every moment possible together. I felt like he was "the one." He bought me a new SUV and we were looking at houses already. So, stupidly, I said "YES!"

While my husband and I were engaged, I found out that he had "chatted" sexually online a few times, and had gone on a couple double dates with a mutual friend of ours. It hurt, but I forgave him for it and we threw that friend out of our lives. He blamed it on being bored, since I had started a business and was focused a lot on that business. He said it meant nothing and although it REALLY hurt me, I tried to move forward. I actually really loved his son and was attached him and my husbands family especially, this made it hard for me to move on. From this day forward I checked his phone bill and placed a keylogging program on his computer.

Right before we got married I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know. He said no. I specifically asked him about his baby's mother (who was now engaged to another guy.) He again, said there was nothing to find out.

It's a long story on how I found out, but I later found (7 months into our marriage) that he was sleeping with his baby's mother throughout our whole dating relationship and about half our engagement. Just weeks before our wedding he sent her text messages like "Yeah I'll send the money, but you gotta send me a pic of your tits first" and "I wish there was still a chance for us, I'm still very attracted to you." I had always though that HE left HER for ME. But, SHE left HIM because of ME.

So basically, now I feel like chopped liver. Now, I feel like I was the second choice. Everyone (including his family) tells me "Oh, no... you're prettier and smarter than her.. blah blah.." but I feel otherwise.

I feel like I was tricked into marrying him. I feel like, since she moved on and got engaged, he married me.

What do I do? I'm trying to "forgive" him but I have been betrayed and humiliated on many different levels. I feel like I will never get over this. How can I ever, ever trust him? I have been in a deep depression since I found out about this whole thing. (for 2 months now) Help me, please!

MrsInPain

Oh I should mention... when I say he went on a few double dates with a mutual friend of ours, I meant this was a male friend that helped set up these dates so that the two of them could date girls unbeknown to the their significant others. So, this friend is no longer in our lives as he helped facilitate these "dates." He would find the girls and set up the date all my H would show up. Pretty sleazy. =/

Tanelornpete

Wow, this has to be so difficult for you!

First question: are you committed to your marriage?

(I very rarely ever advise divorce - that's a decision you must make on your own. They are rarely the solution people want them to be.) I am on the side of marriage, period.

In any event, you ignored a lot of red flags in your early relationship with your husband. Not the wisest thing to do, but what is past is past. You should, however, make sure you have all this written down in as chronological and detailed a manner as you can, because it will come in handy if you try to work this out with him. You need to have a record of patterns and evidence that you can show him.

Just to clarify: it may have meant nothing to HIM, but it meant a lot to you. I would advise you to not let him define what has meaning for you or not.

One thing that you should note here is that this shows that he has little regard for you - which is a direct violation of his marriage vows to you.

QUESTION: Is he still chatting, visiting porn, etc.?

That's quite possible - you may have been his second choice. That is a painful thing to think about - but it doesn't change where you are NOW. It is possible for you to both make this a great marriage. Will take a LOT of work though.

You HAVE been betrayed and humiliated on many different levels. That's a fact, beyond the realm of how you feel about it. Also - 2 months is not a very long time - this could take a lot longer. My advice is to make a conscious decision about your marriage: are you willing to work at it? Do you want to make it what it should be?

You need to have a firm grasp of your answer to those questions before you take any more steps.

I would also not advise you to try to 'feel' that you have forgiven him. There is too much that has not been cleared up for you to move that far. You can forgive him for his past actions: by that, I mean, simply tell him you forgive him and let the idea slowly sink in to your own mind (may take years)

But in the mean time - he has a LOT to do to prove he is in any way trustworthy. Forgiving and trusting are NOT the same thing. He needs to earn your trust - and he needs to take direct steps to prove himself. (I'm sure my wife will have some very good ideas on that issue.)

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

MrsInPain

Thank you so much for responding. Sorry for my delayed response! But, here goes:

I am trying to be committed. I did in fact ignore A LOTTTTTT of red flags; to the point where I really do not know why I did go through with the marriage, especially being a fairly intelligent individual. In my head, the whole time, I knew it was a mistake.

Yet, we were very much so pushed into marriage by his family's church. They came over almost 5 days a week, pressuring us to marry because we were "sinning" by already living together. His father (whom I adore - he is a great man) took us into his home after my Husband's lies led to our financial collapse (long story). So, it was an awkward situation, to be living with him knowing that his church wanted us to marry quickly.

I have documented all of the lies. There are many more, too.

This sounds really absurd, and actually writing this out I feel really stupid for really having fell for this but... here goes: When we first started dating he *claimed* to have colon cancer (later confirmed as a lie). It was a really hard situation for me, because I felt like a lot of things weren't adding up, but then I felt guilty to for questioning a potentially really sick person (little did I know he was mentally, not physically sick). However, I still tried to take care of him, make him eat well, and I worried constantly. He would tell me that I couldn't go to the doctor with him because his dad (who I hadn't met yet) would go with him, and he didn't want us to meet under those circumstances. Also, making his story more likely, was that his mother died of cancer when my husband was 13 years old. So, he had the whole "cancer runs in the family" thing on his side.

Well, because this story can quickly turn into a novel, I will just fast forward and say that I came to realize that he did not have cancer at all. It was a lie he fabricated as a smoke screen for a lot of other lies. Firstly, it muddied the situation of him seeing his ex (whom he was sleeping with unbeknown to me). I would think he was at a doctor's visit, or staying overnight for "tests," when in reality he was with her. And also, he was using the cancer story as a cover with his father, who he had been stealing from. His dad felt guilty for questioning the business transactions him and his son shared because in his mind, his son was dying. My husband even at one point told all of us that he has 6 months to live. It was ridiculous. Not to mention, emotionally draining.

When I found out this was a lie, I actually felt really sorry for him. I felt like, how could I leave this poor guy who has such deep issues? I told him if he didn't start counseling, I'd leave him. So, since a few months before our wedding, he's been seeing a therapist. He has been diagnosed with depression, ADD and the rest is to be determined.

To answer some of your other questions: As far as I know, he has not had any affairs since we have been married. He has just lied, A LOT. He was still looking at TONS of porn up until about 3 months ago. Since then, I have no proof that he has been. At this point, I really don't care. If he could just be honest for a day that would be nice.

Now, to his credit, we have gone to several counseling sessions in which he has opened up and was seemingly sincere. He basically said that he didn't love me as much then as he does now. He said that he realized how much he loved me when I was willing (ha, ha) to marry him even after all that we had been through. So, he says, he started to love and treat me with more respect after the marriage. He BEGGED me to stay after I found out about the affair. He cried, moped around and basically just hung around my mom's (he gets along better with my mom than I do) house hoping I would show up there. He bought me jewelry, a new jaguar, flowers and left me poems everyday - the works.

That sounds nice, but it doesn't take away the fact that I was literally tricked into marrying him. I really honestly was looking for a solid reason to not marry him. I wanted to know for sure that he has slept with someone else so I could wash my hands of the relationship. But I didn't get it. So, for a short time I tricked myself into thinking that what I had been through with him wasn't a big deal.

I have had a nagging feeling for about a week straight now; a feeling that is seemingly growing stronger. I have weak moments, but for the most part, I feel like: 1) I can never look at him the same again. 2) Who does he think he is? Tricking me into marriage?? and 3) I am too young for this. I am only 23.

I promised myself I would never get divorced. But, I never pictured myself getting to deeply wound up in a web of deceit. I really do love him as a person and I feel like if I really left him for good, I would be an emotional wreck, as would he. I would miss the comfort and friendship. I would hate seeing him cry again. I hate seeing (especially men, for some reason) people I love in pain. I would also feel guilty because I feel like he has mental problems. However, mental problems aside - he knew what he was doing when he did it. I can't forget that.

On the other hand, I can't look at him the same anymore. =/

I have been battling this conundrum all week and the best thing I can come up with to comfort myself is just to wait. I am trying to make it though a few months to see if there is anything left in this relationship to salvage.

Again, thanks for your input. It's unbelievably comforting to have another human being listen to my issues and weigh in on them.

MrsInPain

What I meant by "I am trying to be committed" is that I am trying to keep the idea of divorce out of my head. I have always been faithful and I always plan to be. I am strongly opposed to cheating.

Tanelornpete

I am working on a reply for you - but this is sort of complicated, so I want to think and pray about it first,as well as talk about it with my wife (we work together as marriage coaches.) I just wanted to let you know we am still here.

MrsInPain

Thank you. Seriously. I have been trying to pray about it, but I have been so angry lately that I'm not getting a clear feeling of what to do.

BetrayedChris

MIP, I am sorry for you. I also have been praying, but its hard when you are so hurt and angry and unable to focus.

MrsInPain

BC, Thank you. Yes, it is hard. Also, I just started being religious and have been trying to work on it. This affair really tested my faith. It's hard when you try to let religion into your life and simultaneously an affair happens. I am trying to come out of it stronger, but I think strength won't come until later... unfortunately. We have to try and pray for strength, I guess.

BetrayedChris

I think so.Part of me thinks that our marriage will become stronger or maybe I will come out of it a stronger person regardless of the outcome of our marriage.

Tanelornpete

Lying is a huge destroyer of marriage. Make sure you let him know how much this hurts you. There are lots of reasons people lie - but they usually boil down to one of two things (sometimes intertwined):

1) He does not feel safe telling the truth. This may not have anything to do with you - it may be that he was raised such that he felt more secure hiding reality. That's a job for his counselor to determine. (Regardless, it is still wrong and must stop). If this is the case, make sure you let him know that he has absolute safety in being open and honest with you. (Also - make sure he IS safe - it's one thing to SAY it and another to PROVIDE it.)

2) He has a very controlling mindset and uses his lies to control his environment. He lies to make you behave the way he wants you to. If this is so, you have a duty to yourself and your family (and to him) to guard yourself. Refuse to give in, step back and let the consequences of his lies settle on his head. You'll be able to figure out how to do this more and more over time, and you can get lots of good advice here (also some really bad, I've noticed...)

Is he still buying you cars, jewels, flowers, etc? Or did that stop once he knew you were back in the game?

One trap that can hurt you is to fall into dwelling on what 'could have been' or 'what should have been' - you are where you are right now. True, you entered into this contract without all the facts - he lied to you. The question is - what are you willing to do right now?

If you want to save your marriage - no wait - if you want to MAKE a marriage, you need to start it NOW rather than back then. You will need to set up protection for yourself, you'll need to clearly understand what your boundaries are, and what your needs are. You need to have those things so clear to you that you can speak them without much thought.

You definitely have some work to do! First thing: I would most definitely hold to your promise to yourself that you would never divorce. You made that promise to him as well in your wedding vows. That's a basic standard that you can keep in the background. BUT!!!

If divorce comes, let it be because HE files it, or has moved on and left you, so that there is nothing more for you to do.

But the fact that you will not divorce does not mean you have to just let things continue. There is NO WAY you should just wait! - as in:

You can work right now. It just won't be pleasant all the time. You are right - set the mental problems aside. Just because he feels sad (depressed) does NOT mean he is allowed to treat you with disrespect. You do not need to be treated that way. THAT is a choice he makes - it may be more difficult because, well gosh, he just doesn't feel like it - but it can be done.

Regarding his tears: I'm willing to bet he uses those as a means of manipulation. He knows if he cries he gets his way. He knows you are a 'softy.' It may be that you will need to toughen up a bit. Kids use that tactic all the time. Best way to deal with it - hand him some Kleenex and wait till he finishes his tantrum, and then get back to business.

As for his mental problems - that is highly suspect. My gut instinct tells he is a very, very controlling person who will do whatever it takes to manipulate others - and his 'mental' problems either stem from the fact that things just don't go the way he is 'willing' them to go (which is extremely fatiguing) or else they are manifestations of his controlling mindset - useful tools. In any event, you can go on with your work and let him have his troubles - just don't let them affect you any more than necessary (allow him to suffer the consequences of his decisions.) I am pretty certain those 'mental problems' will go the way of his cancer when he finds they no longer work.

First steps: Start to guard your heart - don't let yourself be harmed. Find out YOUR part in the marriage troubles. Work on ending anything you may do that hinders growth - and then begin to do things that will encourage growth instead. And keep coming back here!!!

MrsInPain

You are right - they are intertwined. His therapist, who seems overly apathetic of him, says that she sees a "scared little boy" inside of him. But some of his lies are so malicious - tearing up people's lives and hearts. He stands to gain a lot from his lies usually, too - so I think it is a mixture of fear and control.

He has pretty much stopped. Although, he kind of exhausted his resources to get me these things while I left him for that week. He is unemployed. He gets money occasionally from his father, or, sadly - from selling marijuana. I knew he had a problem with marijuana before, and I knew that he sold it in high school. But he assured me (yet another lie) that he was done dealing it before we got married. Now, when he does it, his excuse is that he can't find a job so he needs to make money somehow. I recently helped him enroll in college - so I guess there is an end in sight with the drug dealing. He obviously doesn't sell a lot, because we are always broke. We live off of my meager income, as I am finishing my degree as well.

People who know me, were so surprised when I was falling for him. I was always so organized, collected and driven. No one, including me, ever thought they see me with a guy who ever sold drugs. Part of the charm in the beginning, I think, WAS that he was sick. I felt honored that he would want to spend possibly his last days with me. Gosh, it sounds like a movie or something. How naive, I was.


This is what I am trying to accomplish. I am trying to, for lack of a better term, get back up on the horse. I will admit though, part of me secretly wishes that he will just give up. He already displays impatience when it comes to me feeling better. He tells me all the time that I need to "get over it." He is angry when I deny him sex and he acts entitled. He thinks that 2 months is plenty time and he is perplexed when I tell him I still severely depressed. There are nights I want to take a fist full of sleeping pills just to escape my life. Luckily, I have a lot more to live for than him, though.

Great idea. I already know he is capable of crocodile tears. I will never forget, the day (almost 3 years ago and only 4 months into us dating, when I was head-over-heels) that he told me his "cancer" had spread and that his "doctors predicted" that he had not much time to live. He cried in my arms all night. What a sham!


I have thought of this too. I am already aware that he lies and manipulates his therapist. She is a smart woman, but not a mind reader. He lies to her a lot. He claims (of course) that he is open and honest with her, but he plays her too. She wants to be the person who discovers the "scared little boy" in him that is hurting because his mommy passed away. He plays on that, A LOT.

I always tell him that he is solely responsible for his actions, no one else. I tell him no matter what is going on inside his head - he always has a choice between the right and the wrong thing.


This is a work in progress, I will try to do these things. I have to!

Tanelornpete

Sorry - that 'scared little boy' thing never flies with me. It works when you are a scared little boy - but not when you grow up. Part of being a man is 'dealing with it.' As in, sorry dude, deal with it. Things sometimes don't go the way you want. Sometimes you get hurt. Deal with it. A therapist can (unfortunately) see this as a great way of making a steady income (apologies to the therapists on here... not all of you see it that way.) But a therapist can certainly milk that for all it's worth. Do you see his family as the kind that would damage a child so badly that they cannot cope as adults?

It could be - it depends on HOW they deal with him now - the reasons they do things for him. However, from what you've written here, I see a totally different story emerging: your man has 'issues' with controlling. I mean, he is a controller. He is also most likely narcissistic. See also this excellent blog.

In order to protect yourself, you should most likely be studying what a healthy, normal relationship should be and then act in ways that show you expect that of your spouse.

I truly hope you don't have kids right now - you didn't say - but in today's society, a parent selling drugs endangers the kids (the state tends to deal harshly with people who do drugs, etc.) Not only that, but you yourself are in danger of some harsh treatment from overzealous prosecuting attorneys, police, etc. Its best to avoid that sort of behavior! If I could advise you, let your busband know that he can not bring that stuff into your house/life.

Is he actually attending college? You are not paying for it, are you? If so, refuse from now on. He can do that himself - he is a grown man - he can even apply for financial aid himself. There's a reason why I advise this: not because it isn't nice for you to help him, nor even, in a normal relationship, a moral thing to do. No, in THIS relationship, you have a man who wants to continue being a baby, one who needs to grow up.

Not really - I sense in you a caretaker - someone who cares for others, a healer. It's natural for you to want to help. Your danger is found in the fact that you have been unable to discenr between truth & lies. Not to worry - that's something that comes with age and experisnce. You'll always get better at that.

Here's something to consider: do you think that you have done anything that may have damaged your relationship with him?

Please stay away from drugs - you'll get through this a lot faster if you do! Regardless, there is more here to consider: you are feeling hurt from what you learned about his affair, yes, and this makes sex uncomfortable. BUt I think your retisence to be intimate is related more to the general treatment you get from him: he is not a very lovely person right now, and that makes it very difficult.

Straight talk with him about how he treats you the REST of the time and how it affects your desire to be intimate with him would be a good idea. Try doing it using 'clinical' type talk -he is used to therapy - tell him you are having some issues with intimacy and would like his help. Get him on 'your' side (actually the side of the marriage), and allow your conversation to keep turning back to how you can both build up love for one another.

MrsInPain

I have thought in the past that he may be a Sociopath (narcissist) because one book I read called "the Courage to Trust" dedicated one chapter to characterizing the Sociopath and it basically said, this is the one type of person that you cannot waste your energy on, for they will never change and can never be trusted. eeeep.

To answer some other questions:

Thankfully, I have decided to NOT bring children into this world until I am fully convinced that I have a good environment to raise them in. I am very careful when we do have sex, because he is always begging me to have a baby. I cannot be on any type of birth control for a few years as my doctors are trying to figure out some health problems with me. I am very dedicated to NOT having children at the moment, though.

As for his college, his dad is paying for it. Whether or not he is going, I suppose I won't always know. The semester starts next week and he seems excited. We will see.

I have told his dad, numerous times, to STOP giving my husband money, as he is enabling him. I told him to stop letting my husband go to the bank for him, or be around valuables. His dad won't listen. So he keeps getting taken advantage of. Me on the other hand, I have boundaries and I stick to them now.

Regarding my part in the relationship, I feel like I have been not been able to be my fun-loving and relaxed self around him for quite some time. It seems like each week there is a new transgression to learn of. I always am on edge and I know it's not a welcoming environment for him to start opening up. However, I'm plagued with the idea that I don't truly know who I am married to. I am married to a facade.

As far as me and drugs - I have never nor will I ever. I don't even really drink alcohol (except literally maybe two or three times a year). My thought about those sleeping pills was just a thought... and it was Tylenol PM anyway (haha, I am such a wuss!).

I guess for now I will just hope that me setting and keeping boundaries (not enabling him to act narcissistic) and continuing counseling will help. I think we need a more stern therapist, though; not such a push over.

jason

Wow. Just wow.

This must be / must have been very tough for you.

From my point of view it's all clear: it hasn't been a one-time accident, he's been constantly lying and cheating on you for most of your relationship.

If I were you I'd take off tomorrow and never look back. But I do understand that our minds don't always function logically and we tend to let feelings and emotions get in the way, so you gotta sort that out first.

To wrap it up: if you're sad when you go to bed at night but wake up somewhat happier in the morning, that means that things are getting better and your problems might go away over time. If you however fall asleep being sad and wake up just as sad it means it's time to make a change, whether you like it or not.