dantanph

Let me begin by giving a background about us:

Met in 2005. Got married in 2007. Had a baby in 2008.

I moved out to another country due to a job posting. We have been living physically separate for 23 months now. He visits 3-4 times a year. We visited him once. Our child is with me.

(1) When I was around 4 months pregnant, while trying to get some sleep, I saw my husband in front of his computer watching porn and masturbating, just because he wants sex that night but his pregnant wife has some hormones going on and not up to it. HE DID THIS IN FRONT OF ME in our room.

Was that normal? Of course, it did not settle well on me and I did not speak to him for more than a week. Somehow, we managed to work things out.

(2) While living on both ends of the world, shortly after I gave birth to our child. I found out that my husband opened an account on an adult dating website and has the following tagline on his account "I want to expand my sexual experience." Not sure what he meant by that.

The moment I found out about it, I told him I want to get a divorce. He denied that it was his and begged for forgiveness. he thought I believed him. But how can IP addresses lie? I know ow to work on computers and the same IP address was used.

Anyways, because of my newborn, I forgave him and moved on.

(3) A year and half later after the second incident, my woman's instinct kept whispering that I should check my husband's email, phone records, and facebook.

So, I did. I became suspicious as he kept adding female friends on his facebook and there are numbers he kept calling. So, what I did, I called the numbers and they are all female. I pretended I am looking for someone else.

Two weeks ago, I confronted my husband about him chatting with a female on facebook. He got so mad that he said I have no right to monitor what he does and HE PREFERS CHATTING WITH OTHERS THAN ME because he does not feel depressed when he chats with them. He has been complaining that I am depriving him of his family and his child. I AM NOT. I offered him to join us where we are now all at my expense. He does not even have to work. All he needs to do is look after our child and I will even send him to go to school to get some degree. Well, he does not want to join us because he will miss his car!

Anyways, long story short, two weeks ago, after I asked hims about chatting with more females, HE IMMEDIATELY CHANGED ALL THE PASSWORDS THAT WE SHARE ON HIS EMAIL, FACEBOOK, AND PHONE RECORDS! THE DAY AFTER, HE TOOK HIS MONEY OUT OF OUR JOINT ACCOUNT!

I thought his actions went overboard! I told him, if he wants out of the relationship, he is free to do so. As for me, I won't file for divorce.

MEN, what do you think. Is my husband hiding something? Do you think he is being faithful? If you are in his position, what would you do? Would you join your wife?

WOMEN, what will you do if you were in my shoes?

Please, I need advice.

Tanelornpete

I find myself a little amazed here that you even had to ask the question. Of course, he doesn't really need to HIDE anything, since you two are not even living together. The end result is still the same. He's being all sorts of unfaithful to you, and you've had all the red flags you've ever needed flapping in your face for the entire duration of your marriage.

Ask yourself whether you are willing to save this marriage! If so, you can get all kinds of good advice.

I believe it is entirely possible to save pretty much ANY marriage.

In answer to your questions:

1) Yes, your husband is 'hiding' something. He has found someone else.

2) He has not been faithful from the start.

3) I would have joined my wife. In fact, I would have moved with her. There is NOTHING on this earth so important that the commitment I made to my marriage does not take priority. Every move I make is filtered through the realization that I made some serious promises to my wife, and ANYTHING that endangers those promises is something I refuse to do.

Affaircare

I agree with Tanelorn. Do you really have to ask this question? Seriously?

I don't see that he's been faithful to you.. ever really. I have an article you may find eye-opening: "What is an affair?" In summary, I say that having an affair would be anything that does not meet the standard of being faithful...and being faithful means: "... acting in a way so that your affection and loyalty are committed and dedicated to one person to whom you vowed all of your affection and loyalty."

Has he been acting in a way so that all his affection and loyalty are committed and dedicated to YOU--the one person which whom he made a promise to give all (not some, not a little...ALL) of his affection and loyalty? If the answer is "no"--and it is--then he is being unfaithful. He is definitely hiding his activity on Facebook and what he writes in email.

What would I do in your shoes? Well I rarely if ever suggest that a person divorce. Like Tanelorn I do believe most marriages can be saved. So the question is this: are you committed to saving your marriage? There are things you can do to save it, but honestly I'd say it's not looking too good right this moment. I would suggest deciding that first. Close behind that, I would take steps to protect yourself and your child from his unfaithfulness--but we can talk about that once you've decided whether or not you are committed to saving your marriage.

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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare

Atholk

If you really expect a relationship with a healthy man to continue when he gets less Conjugal Visits than a medium secruity prison inmate, you are seriously deluded.

Lets face it. You left him.

__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

turnera

If you wanted a marriage, you wouldn't have separated the family. You would have found another solution to job issues.

dantanph

Thanks!

Yes, I want to save our marriage but starting to lose the spark I have for him.

We need help. He needs help. I am seeing a counselor in the country where I am now. I encouraged him to see one himself but refused to.

BetrayedChris

i dont mean to be rude, but how is counseling supposed to work when you are in different countries?for one I would think that the 2 of you would need to be in the same place and two how do you know if couseling in another country is the same way as here?

dantanph

Thanks!

Yes, I would like to give our marriage another try. I would like to save it.

dantanph

I did not leave my husband. I consulted him before I moved. He agreed that's why we are where we are now. I always consult him on everything before I do anything. He does not do the same to me. He just do things on his own and would not even share his plans if he has any.

I also asked him to join me and our child so we can be together but he cannot leave his truck. That is what he told me. He cannot leave his duster.

What am I suppose to do?

dantanph

That's true! That is why I am requesting my husband to join me and our child wherever we are now. With my income alone, I can provide for the family. If we move back with him, he cannot support the family with his income. It is not guaranteed that I will have a job where he is now if we move with him.

Let us face it, money is important to sustain a family. I don't believe that with just love, you will be happy forever.

dantanph

Thanks, Chris!

I already asked my husband to move and be with us so we can be one family. He refuses to do so. The only way for him is for us to move back to the US. With the economic and political climate there, I feel things are very shaky and would not want to risk anything regarding our child's future.

turnera

You may have asked him to move with you, but did you reach an agreement on taking the job in the first place and keeping the family together?

momof6girls

you said you consult him on the move... but did you ask him his thoughts on it..? you said you want him to move and be with you and child...? that can be very degrading for a man to live off a women, i know that some times men stay home and there happy with that but if he is not that type well may not sit well with him.

i don't know you but just from the post you seem to want it your way and have goals and a certain way you want things and well marriage is a two way street... both of you have to be on the same road going the same directions in order for this to work.

yes he is hiding something and yes you see it... you say you want out but will not be the one to start the divorce...

i would say to a child or some one i loved... you seem to be heading in your own direction and he is not on board so start the divorce (and i am not at all big on divorce) but with that said... this relationship will not work the way it is going and no one will win..

most off your child.

Tanelornpete

Hi Dantanph!

I'm glad to hear you want to save your marriage. The next question is, how hard are you willing to work? People are bringing up some very good points here, and you'll have to figure out the limits to what you are willing to do.

While getting to a counselor is often a good idea, I agree with an earlier comment - there is not much point in going to marriage counseling in separate countries. Your best bet right now is to definitely work on yourself - find out what you have done in your relationship that has been detrimental. It's easy to see what the other guy does - much harder to see your part. And yet it is extremely rare that marriage troubles start out one-sided. Taking care of your part is always a huge step.

I'd believe this separation has probably been the biggest problem for you two. A marriage rarely thrives without care - it's like a garden - needs constant care or it gets overrun with weeds. Or like a fire that will go out without fuel. The miles between you two make that virtually impossible. And given your husband's predilection to chasing after women, you basically left a garden full of weed seeds and asked it to take care of itself, while you promised to water it on occasion (the rare visit).

This is quite true - but even with money, there is no guarantee of happiness. Happiness is perceptual - its what YOU decide it is. I'd say that at this time, happiness should be lower on the list of priorities than saving the marriage. While financial steadiness is one part of a marriage (and an important one, as well!) there are other parts to consider.

My guess is that your husband's refusal to move because he'd lose his truck is simply a handy excuse that is easier to give you than the real reason (whatever that is.) You can always buy another truck.

It's as if you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you stay where you are, you lose your marriage. If you move back, things will be financially more difficult - and you may lose your marriage anyway! There are no guarantees.

But it's a matter of priorities: Which is most important? Doing all you can to save your marriage (leaving the destruction of it completely up to your husband)? Or trying to keep ONE part of it going while losing other parts? (Plugging only one hole in the sinking ship.)

Your best bet is to move back, and to work at 'starting over' - yes, you may face financial difficulties - and yes, it may not work. But it's your only chance, barring this one scenario:

Have a very serious talk with your husband. Let him know (again) that you really want him to be with you - that you miss him and hate being apart. Give him your reasons for him moving there. But... (and this is most important) - let him know that he has the freedom and safety to tell you the real reasons he does not want to move. And then consider them carefully. Maybe he'll change his mind!

And be willing to concede your current job if it means saving your marriage. Which is more important to you?