It's been 11 months since I found out my husband had an affair. I knew I hadn't been a good wife, so I made the decision to forgive him and work on our marriage. He had already been making changes for the better before I found out, so that made it easier for me to let down my guard and really let him into my heart. I believe a lot of our problems stemmed from my emotional baggage. I was newly divorced when I met my husband and it was a bitter divorce. Looking back, I think I never truly let him in before. I treated my husband badly and cut him off physically,too. His affair was a huge wakeup call and even though it hurt, our relationship felt like it was flourishing like never before. The problem is- after all of the rebuilding and honeymooning, I have Herpes. That is so hard for me to get past. Even though I was a complete b****, I never cheated and I haven't been with anyone else in almost 12 years. My husband admitted to casual hookups with women he met through Craigslist before his EA/PA. He met her there,too. So, what I'm dealing with is all of that after reconciling and both of us changing so much. The thing is, I'm still happy with my husband and the changes in our marriage, but now I sometimes think I shouldn't be feeling the love I feel. After all, it's not just an affair we've managed to get past- it's casual sex and and STD, now. I just want to love my husband and keep treating each other the way we have been for the past year, but I worry that other people would think I'm a fool. I've always worried too much about what others think of me and maybe that holds me back. How do I shake that? I was so happy during that time between learning about the affair and learning the rest of the story. Should it change things? I still love my husband and I know in my heart he loves me and really regrets what happened. I also believe that he wouldn't do it again now that our marriage has improved so much. I just get this nagging feeling that others would think I'm stupid for having faith in him and having hope for our future. Thoughts? Advice? Posted via Mobile Device
WOWo what a nice wife! Sincerely. Nice job in recognizing and rebuilding, or restarting as you put it.
So if i read correctly this has mostly resurfaced because of the std. Assuming im right, thats a byproduct of what you already mentally accepted.
As far as other people thinking your a fool, well you know thats just your ego and has little to do with anything. You love him you guys have coem a long way. You have been open to love and seems you are getting reward for that.
Im not sure anyone here can convince you to what i guess you already believe logically. Its just a mental mind game. Don't let that interfere with where you want to go with hubby.
Maybe a counselor would have some good teqniques to help you put this stuff in perspective?
Anyway, you seem very intelligent and your H is lucky. Keep using your instincts and stop worrying about what other people think.
And of COURSE you're not stupid for having faith. He has shown you the signs of wanting to be with you and your following them and the man you love. That's intelligent not stupid.
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DIE TO THE PAST EVERY MOMENT - TWC
I think you are a very strong person for being able to put it all behind you. It takes a lot more than people realize to get over wrongs that have been done ( by both sides) and to decide to fix it because you have a love that you don't have with any other.
I can see how the std thing would set you back quite a bit. My H didn't tell me for 18 months, and I was pissed at the fact he put me at risk and didn't even tell me. He is fixed, so he doesn't have to wear a condom to prevent pregnancy, but as I explained to him at 35 years old he should know to wear one when he was cheating to at least protect me from his sl*** stds.
You are on a good path and moving passed it. I only tell people that support me no matter what choice I make when it comes to my H and I. I don't want everyone knowing because I don't want unsolicited advice. I told a few close friends, as did he. And they all tell me if I am happy they are happy.
I've only confided in one sister and one friend, so I think like Vino said- it's a mental mind game. It does bother me that some of my H's friends know ablout his infidelities. Right or wrong, I worry sometimes about what they think of me for staying. Also, one of the problems with the casual hookups is not knowing who they were. When I'm out somewhere and a woman smiles at me or looks at me for too long, I wonder if she had sex with my H. It feels like all these people were in on this big secret life my H was living. One of the things that bothers me is that I didn't do anything to these women- how could they be so cold hearted and have such disregard for my feelings? I know- I'm feeling sorry for myself. I've had a few bad days. Grrr! I also know those women didn't betray me, but it's just so much easier to hate them, ya know? Like I've known from the start, I contributed a lot to my marital problems. Deep down, I realize I'm not an innocent victim. Sometimes when I'm hurting, I feel like one. I just have to remind myself that just because I didn't cheat doesn't mean I didn't hurt my husband. Posted via Mobile Device
The part about his friends judging you, I wouldn't put too much weight in that. My H told his best friend on this planet what he had done, and his friend came inside to the party and hung out with me, to make sure I was okay. When we decided to stay together and work it out, he told me how he thought I was such a great woman to love my H with all that he has done. That he admired the fact that I could try to accept and move on from the bad situation. Sometimes the men's friends actually respect you more when you try to make it work.
Your last sentence tells me that you are completely in control and know exactly what you want and need. You know that you both have needs and you can attest that hey, I wasn't perfect either.
You are entitled to have a bad day. Everyone is. I told my H last night that I know it was both of us that tore apart our marriage, but at least I kept my panties on. And his awesome response was "because you are a stronger person than me, and I have always known that". Was is BS? Probably lol. But its nice to hear that they realize you could have also done a lot worse LOL.
I've only confided in one sister and one friend, so I think like Vino said- it's a mental mind game. It does bother me that some of my H's friends know about his infidelities. Right or wrong, I worry sometimes about what they think of me for staying. Also, one of the problems with the casual hookups is not knowing who they were. When I'm out somewhere and a woman smiles at me or looks at me for too long, I wonder if she had sex with my H. It feels like all these people were in on this big secret life my H was living. One of the things that bothers me is that I didn't do anything to these women- how could they be so cold hearted and have such disregard for my feelings? I know- I'm feeling sorry for myself. I've had a few bad days. Grrr! I also know those women didn't betray me, but it's just so much easier to hate them, ya know? Like I've known from the start, I contributed a lot to my marital problems. Deep down, I realize I'm not an innocent victim. Sometimes when I'm hurting, I feel like one. I just have to remind myself that just because I didn't cheat doesn't mean I didn't hurt my husband. Posted via Mobile Device
Wow, I this so closely resembles my situation, that I feel as if I could have written this myself.
I had the same feeling regarding my husband's friends. In fact, most of them knew and were in on it. One friend in particular, was a childhood friend that we shared. He was pure evil- he'd help set up my H on dates, then be my H's alibi. One thing that helped me, was to identify all the "friends" that were against our relationship (meaning the ones that would help him cheat) and the one that were in support of us, and wanted to see us succeed. I basically made my H see, that the friends who wanted to help him cheat were not real friends. Real friends support your marriage. So we dumped those people out of our lives. (This was after the first set of affairs I encountered... I just recently went through finding out another major one).
The ego takes a BIG hit when you realize that, not only were you cheated on, but that other people knew. You may feel humiliated in front of these people. You know what? Don't. They are rotten people people for being in on such a shameful act. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I personally, just try to work on myself in hopes that my esteem will come back and I will one day be able to hold my head high again. Until then, I pretend. It feels better than sulking all the time.
You are actually farther along than I am, so who am I to be giving advice? But either way, I hope you keep coming back to these forums because you will find much needed support here.
MrsInPain, you hit the nail on the head. I don't care to ever see the friends of my husband who know. It would be humiliating. I hope that DawnD is right about how they may see things. I'll probably never know since they are work friends and we're not socializing with them outside of that. This whole experience has been so painful and it seems like I focus on certain aspects of it for a while and then I focus on something else. The one constant is that I do love my husband and want to just get on with our lives. I hope I can stop obsessing soon. I don't bring it up with my husband anymore, but when we're apart I stew about all of it. Is that normal? Posted via Mobile Device
MrsInPain, you hit the nail on the head. I don't care to ever see the friends of my husband who know. It would be humiliating. I hope that DawnD is right about how they may see things. I'll probably never know since they are work friends and we're not socializing with them outside of that. This whole experience has been so painful and it seems like I focus on certain aspects of it for a while and then I focus on something else. The one constant is that I do love my husband and want to just get on with our lives. I hope I can stop obsessing soon. I don't bring it up with my husband anymore, but when we're apart I stew about all of it. Is that normal? Posted via Mobile Device
"The Power of 'Now"
Has some good insight to this. i hope you quiet that mind too!
You're great. Clear that head and use it for something else!!
teasing a tiny bit.
regards
__________________
DIE TO THE PAST EVERY MOMENT - TWC
MrsInPain, you hit the nail on the head. I don't care to ever see the friends of my husband who know. It would be humiliating. I hope that DawnD is right about how they may see things. I'll probably never know since they are work friends and we're not socializing with them outside of that. This whole experience has been so painful and it seems like I focus on certain aspects of it for a while and then I focus on something else. The one constant is that I do love my husband and want to just get on with our lives. I hope I can stop obsessing soon. I don't bring it up with my husband anymore, but when we're apart I stew about all of it. Is that normal? Posted via Mobile Device
Unfortunately my therapist basically told me that the obsessive thoughts will last a while. It depends on a lot of things, but mostly it will just take time. I've personally read 4 or 5 books on the subject of stopping the obsessive thoughts - including: Quiet Your Mind, Women Who Overthink, A Secret Sadness (about stopping the cycle of depression in relationships), etc. I always really feel like I am learning something and getting somewhere but as soon as the book is out of my hands; it's back to the obsessive thoughts. So, like my therapist says, it will just take time. It sounds silly but the best thing I learned from one of those books was a set of breathing/meditating techniques for when my thoughts get out of control and cause mood swings.
Basically, keep your chin up. Time is the best medicine.
If he has a history of casual sex, I strongly urge you to have a way to keep tabs on him, at least occasionally, like checking phone records. He may just have a weak will, and he may NEED you to keep up with this.
That said, for what YOU are going through, I have a book to recommend. It changed my life. I think it will ring true with you as well. It's called Healing the Shame That Binds You. VERY powerful and very helpful for dealing with 'what people think.'
I have access to his email and facebook. He posted a pic of the two of us together for his profile,without being asked. I also check phone records. I think the thing that is making me feel most secure is the fact that we've stopped living seperate lives. We actually do things together- like a real married couple-lol! I see a change in him,too. I don't know how to describe it, but it feels like a completely different marriage. If he were to cheat on me again, I don't think I could forgive him because this time I've really put my heart into our relationship and I know that I'm doing everything possible to keep us both happy. I'm going book shopping during lunch,today. Thanks to everyone for the suggested reading. Posted via Mobile Device
Just wanted to share something. My H's EA/PA was a lengthy one. I contacted her a couple of times through facebook about posting missed connections on Craigslist about my H and she stopped. I've had several sleepless nights this past year when I couldn't stop thinking about the things I wanted to say to her. I also have a problem with her profile pic on fb. From the date and location it was taken, I know my H was with her that night. It was almost two years ago and it just burns me that she's still using it. During the past year, she also sped up and acted like she was going to hit me with her car twice and sent her 18 year old daughter to passively harass me at work. After I found out who she was, I discovered she was still placing w4m ads on CL. In them, she mentioned meeting somewhere her kid could play while she got to know the men who responded. I'm sure her husband would really appreciate that. What bothered me about that was the thought of some predatory pedophile targeting an ad like that. It was one of the things I thought about a lot during those sleepless nights. Yesterday, I emailed her. I resolve that I won't contact her ever again, but I really felt like I needed to get some things off my chest. I know a lot of people advise against it, but right or wrong, I. Feel. So. Much. Better. I didn't resort to bad language and I didn't blame her for everything. I just let her know what I think of her and as soon as I hit send, it felt like a weight was lifted off of me. The last time I contacted her I felt worse after doing it. I didn't say much- just told her I knew she was using Missed Connections to communicate with my H and that if she didn't stop, I would tell her H. This time, I told her how I felt about her and what happened. I feel positive about it- no regrets. (As of yet) Posted via Mobile Device
As soon as I told her I knew she was on CL, the ads disappeared. I had made up my mind to alert him to the fact that she might be taking their child with her to meet strange men, but when she stopped with the ads, decided against it. I wonder if he knows about her fb account- I doubt it because if I was able to figure out the significance of her profile pic, so would he. Do you think I should talk to him? I flip flop on the issue. They have a small child and I don't want to be the one to stir things up in their relationship. I'm also alittle afraid of her- she's much bigger than I am and I saw the look on her face when she revved up her car at me. Yikes! Posted via Mobile Device
I still love him.
