rymeldmnc

i just found out yesterday that my husband of almost 4 years cheated on me almost 2 years ago im freaked out i want to leave but i cant bring my to leave but i cant lookat him with out crying do i try to get over it and fix it and be with him know that he might do it again?

draconis

Was it a one night thing?

Do you want to save your marriage or do you feel you will always be to hurt?

draconis

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rymeldmnc

i want to fix my marriage he says it was one night and that he was drunk and mad at me but it hurts so bad and i have a 2year old son with him also i dont want to leave i love him to much but knowing that he done it i just dont know what to do

draconis

Well the good news is that you can fix things. But it really depends on where you are at and what you want to tackle first. Does he really understand just how dumb and selfish he was (not to mention how bad he hurt you)?

draconis

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GAsoccerman

I'm with Drac....Cool down a bit and really think about this.

What is more important, Hurting him from his mistake or your marriage?

Immortalone

I think you have alot of ways of fixing this. First you need to set some ground rules. No drinking to the point he loses control. No going out to drink because the two of you had a fight and so on. Set the rules up so this can not happen again like it did. Also talk. talk alot but more importantly listen to each other. I know your hurt and you need to express your hurt to him. I tell alot of people instead of trying to do it with words were the other one gets defensive and interupts you. Write a letter to him. Don't do a guilt letter but simply a letter explaining how it hurt you and asking questions of him like how do you see us fixing this and moving forward.

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e_stars

I'm so sorry. This is almost exactly like my situation. My husband said he was out at a bar and had a few drinks but it wasn't just one but two. I was numb when he told me this. I didn't even react the way I thought I would. I just couldn't react.
If you love him and he loves you...it's worth trying to move past this. My hubby and I are. I know it's going to take time but I'm willing to put in that time and he is also.
Hang in there and I hope everything works out for you two.

draconis

I have nothing but respect for the both of you to work past others mistakes.

draconis

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believer

Rymeldmnc - I am sorry to hear that disturbing news. I can somewhat relate to your situation & I too am at a cross roads.
My husband cheated on me almost 3 years ago & I think it was about a 2 year affair. He said it was over, but he had a few lapse that I am aware of. But think it really has stopped with her, unfortunately, after getting her pregnant.
Anyways - we/he decided to stay & work on us. I thought that was the plan & knew it would take time. However, I just found out some new information ( almost 1.5 years after the event happened).
I am trying to figure out becasue it happened so long ago, do I dig it up & dwell on it, since we have seemed to have made progress? If I didn't acknowlede it I wouldn't have been true to myself.
I felt I really wanted to get beyond our issues & work on our marriage & it seemed to be moving in that direction. But yet I was living yet another lie because he was not truthful (1.5 yrs ago). I wonder if there are other things I don't know about? Maybe I am better off not knowing??
But the timing of finding out this information is making my decision a little bit harder . . .
What are your thought on the time factor & how has your relationship has changed since when he cheated?

Russell

Hey, relax Remyl...

First things first. You have to take a good hard look at yourself.

If it was a one night thing, then take it at face value. Now I might be sounding a bit harsh here, but it was only sex. Its not like he fell in love with the girl. Now, that would be something different. He came home to you, and he loves you enough to have the courage to tell you the truth because of his feelings. And... it was two years ago, not last night. Did he come home to you all those nights? I mean, for the two years after the one night stand... he came home to you, tended to you and your child with him, and had a somewhat normal family.

Now in no way am I defending him, I have been on the cheated on end. And yes, I agree... it hurts, and it hurts bad. However if you want to forgive him in time you will. The first thing you need to do is let him know how bad he hurt you. Also on the same token, let him know that you still love him. Also let him know that your ticked off about it.

Who knows... this may end up working to your advantage somehow? It may even bring you closer together. I know if my wife and I survive the affair she had... we will be closer than we were before the affair. 27 Mar 08 was when my bombshell was dropped. And I have made so much progress since then. If you want to work things out, then you will so long as he is willing.

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Hi, my name is Russ, and I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Sober since 27 March, 2008.

helena

i know what you are feeling.. it must be really hard for you.. im sorry....if you are willing to save your marriage then i guess you just have to take some time to think .. don't force yourself it really takes time to heal the pain.. if you think your husband is willing to give himself back to you.. if you think he's sincere to gain back the trust.. even if it is hard for you, you must at least give him a second chance..once is a mistake.. but if hes going to do it again.. then twice is a habit..

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Love and marriage always, if not necessarily, go together
Take care of each other's health

Russell

Like I said, it was just a mistaken one night stand... is it worth throwing your marriage away over? Only you can answer that.

__________________
Hi, my name is Russ, and I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Sober since 27 March, 2008.

Pups

I have to agree with Russell. It was two years ago and he's still with you. Cry and have a fit until he feels as badly as you do and then let it go.

SageMother

How has he reacted to your drying? How has he responded to your being devastated? What has he done to try to help you feel better?