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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-22-2013, 05:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Advice Needed

My marriage fell apart 10 months ago, I had been having an online emotional affair with someone I met through a gaming site.My wife found out,and as you can imagine, it was devastating for her to think I had betrayed her in that way.For some years prior to that I had been posting sexual innuendos to women as well...this was also found out. Basically, since the date of being discovered about my infidelity I have tried to heal and patch things up....sometimes all I want to do is sweep it all away under the carpet! That hasn't worked, I've had an online council session,and 1 on 1 councilling, both those didn't help me.I need help on how to really save my marriage and heal my wife .We are limping along at the moment..some fairly good days but mainly bad! if anyone can help me I would be glad to hear from you.
Thanks.
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Old 08-22-2013, 06:08 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice Needed

couple of questions if I may?

1) How old are you and your wife?

2) what were you looking for outside your marriage?

3) what was lacking inside your marriage?

4) when you first got busted for the innuendo why not put more effort into your own marriage to make a situation where you were happy or file for divorce and do the right thing?

5) Define bad days?

6) Where is your wife emotionally now?

I will give you no sympathy and from your post I can see that you are quite unhappy, feel lost and in need of direction, this is a mess you made for yourself but I am glad you came to ask for help.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Re Wranglerman,

Thanks for the post. I don't expect sympathy from anyone.That's not why I'm here. I'm totally guilty,and have broken my marriage vows.
I need help from anyone out there who is in the same situ as me,and has done what I did,and managed to work through it all and mend their spouses.
My wife is in bits emotionally,and questions every single thing I do.She thinks I'm still lying to her,but I'm not. Our bad days are constant arguments,and not even talking sometimes.It's all so very sad,I do love her so much,and am deeply sorry for what I've caused.....but it doesn't seem enough.As she says...it's only words not actions! It seems to be 1 step forward and 2 steps back all the time.
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Old 08-22-2013, 10:10 AM   #4 (permalink)
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If you are serious about giving her something back and trying to work your way through this, write out a timeline of your indiscretions and insist on taking a polygraph, yes this is a reverse of how it normally works here but your own account of your actions and discuss with her about you taking a poly to prove your truthful in your accounts.

I cannot stress transparency enough!!!

she needs everything FB, email, social networks, gaming lounges the whole shabang, and she needs those passwords right now like she needs air to breathe, once she can check on you and is comfortable with your words then she might start to listen to you, but empty words and no actions will be poor signage to her that you are sorry and that you do want to move forward.

How much time do the two of you spend together just talking and enjoying each others company? less than 15hrs/wk is not good, cut the gaming crap out and spend that time on her or doing stuff that makes her happy, show her you want her to be your world.

How deep in it were you? ie, how much gore and detail was she exposed to?
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Old 08-22-2013, 10:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice Needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueboy View Post
My marriage fell apart 10 months ago, I had been having an online emotional affair with someone I met through a gaming site.My wife found out,and as you can imagine, it was devastating for her to think I had betrayed her in that way.For some years prior to that I had been posting sexual innuendos to women as well...this was also found out.
You should be in regular therapy with a good therapist in order to explore and work on these problems. Have you quit the gaming sites, gone totally NC with your AP, given your wife all your passwords? Your wife needs to see you changing. So long as you're still the very same person who devastated and betrayed her, it's no good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueboy View Post
Basically, since the date of being discovered about my infidelity I have tried to heal and patch things up....sometimes all I want to do is sweep it all away under the carpet!
These two things are completely at odds. If you really want to help your spouse heal, you need to address her concerns and give her what she asks for. You can't rush her out of her pain or band-aid this. No sweeping under the rug at all. That would be another betrayal on top of the EAs. I know you wish it hadn't happened, but it did, and you can't make it go away. So what have you been doing to help your wife?

She is going to keep questioning a lot of what you say and do. Keep answering, but don't expect that your words should mean something to her, not for a while. She feels like you're someone else, like she never knew you. Almost like a thief that broke into her life and stole everything good that she thought she had, even the person she loved. You're starting pretty much from scratch and your credibility is gone. Your word is dirt to her now, you know? You're going to have to show her that you can be someone worthy of her belief and some measure of trust.

There are some great posts on TAM for understanding what a BS goes through and how the WS can help them work through it. I think understanding the magnitude of the destruction such betrayal wreaks on the BS is imperative. Reading and reflecting on those posts was one of the first things I did when I came to TAM.

Something else to keep in mind is that your wife is still there, so maybe you should spend some time reflecting on what you value about your wife and your marriage and how grateful you are that she's still there for you to attempt to reconcile with. Have you told her that? Think of how you'd feel if she disappeared from your life forever. Think about what you are really willing and able to do to prevent that from happening.

The Reconciliation thread is a great resource, too. When I would feel overwhelmed or hopeless, the people there would offer encouragement or reminders, or give me a different perspective on things. It was and is very helpful.

I'm a former wayward (like you, I had EAs), and my partner and I have recently entered the reconciliation process. It was not easy getting there. Don't expect your wife to be okay, not for a long time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueboy View Post
That hasn't worked, I've had an online council session,and 1 on 1 councilling, both those didn't help me.I need help on how to really save my marriage and heal my wife .We are limping along at the moment..some fairly good days but mainly bad! if anyone can help me I would be glad to hear from you.
Thanks.
Again, I think you really need to get into regular IC and MC as well. Picking up the pieces after infidelity usually requires the assistance of at least one skilled professional. Certainly it will improve your chances of a successful reconciliation.
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:07 AM   #6 (permalink)
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What actions have you done to help heal your wife!!
words are not what is needed but ACTIONS. After 10 MONTHS I don't think you are really really interested in your marriage???? What have you TRIED to do to make it better?

Do you still find her attractive and sexy, if not perhaps you should end the marriage and let her find someone who does.

You need to find out WHY you did what you did - perhaps you wanted some excitement!! in that case perhaps you should try and bring some excitement back into the marriage.

10 months is a long time with no remorse other than words. Hope you are able to save your marriage - good luck

Last edited by manfred; 08-23-2013 at 04:26 AM.
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Get divorced ASAP and start over fresh with someone new.
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Old 08-22-2013, 03:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Here is just a short version:

In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:

He must be totally honest with you about everything
He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
He must feel your pain.
He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
He must be willing to seek counseling.
He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tribesman View Post
Get divorced ASAP and start over fresh with someone new.
I think you may have missed the point here, I think he wants to stay with his wife?

Yes a good solution but why? What will alter his behavior so much with someone new? It could end up being worse next time!!

My best advice is to seek as much help as you can to grow as a person and to help you assist your wife in healing and learning to trust you again, there is little point divorcing without learning first what went wrong with this marriage in the first place that allowed you to use poor judgement in looking for fun outside the marriage, this stands more as a life long learning curve to show you the error of your ways and also to help your wife too.

I would recommend searching out books for you both to read together, I am sure someone can give a better list than me but the 5 love languages, love busters, surviving the affair and his needs her needs, are a couple but get them and read them together.

I want to know how serious you really are?
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Old 08-23-2013, 01:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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How is sex with your wife, does it satisfy you and does she do all the things that you want!! Perhaps that is a reason you did what you did with your Internet Love. Perhaps you are finding it boring with her and need someone new, maybe younger? You do need to look at yourself and try and sort this problem otherwise you will find that you will be doing the same again and it is not fair on your wife, let her know how you feel,
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:44 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Get rid of your computer and phone. Go zero tech until your wife can rebuild some trust.

Did you tell other woman you loved her?
Did you badmouth your wife to her?
Were there any plans to leave your wife?
What was your initial reaction upon being found out?
Any kids?
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Old 08-23-2013, 08:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Have you put the shoe on the other foot and imagined your wife doing the same sh1t you did?

Maybe a new perspective is needed? Maybe you can think about your old lady rubbing one out on the computer with some jack off guy a thousand miles away or getting fingered under the lunch room table at work.

Just saying the crap you admitted to is only half of what your old ladies imagination is digging up.

You gave her line a bull sh1t back then and now you expect her to believe you now?

My point is until you can feel her pain and not yours then you just might have something to work with in saving your marriage.
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Old 08-24-2013, 11:47 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I feel empathy for your wife and the emotional roller coaster she is on right now. I notice in your post once my wife found out wife found out,and as you can imagine, it was devastating for her to think I had betrayed her in that way doesn't indicate that you feel you've done anything wrong, just that she found out and now you need to help her get over it.

First: Do you understand that sending sexual inuendo's to other women is crossing lines? When you do this you are testing to see what the response will be and possibly hoping for an invite for more. It is a betrayal and humiliating to your wife for you to do this.
If you understand that then it should be very obvious to you that the emotional affair is the second offense, calculated and deceitful. The only way this is ok is if you and your wife have an agreement-in that both of you have agreed upon space that you are both permitted to act in those ways.

second:Have you been 100% honest with yourself and asked why you need this from other women? Have you asked why am I married? You cannot have both without destroying someone else, so for that reason you have to figure out what you really want. The sooner the better. Love is a verb, it's something you do and practice. Imagine devoting all the emotional energy and time you have been toward the other women, toward your wife instead. What outcome would that produce?


Last: Here is a very helpful link from a previous post at TAM for you to look at. Ideally you and your wife would read this together and read and or talk to someone professionally as much as you can together. Don't count the counselling as a failure, you may not have been able to hear what was offered at the time....you may get more from reading and try a new counsellor later. If you decide that you want your marriage... keep trying as many different sources of info as you can till you find the right fit. This is one way your wife see that you are committed to your marriage.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners:
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Old 08-24-2013, 02:15 PM   #14 (permalink)
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you have been given a lot of good advice, how are you doing - have you managed to start to heal your wife. We are here to help you not to judge. Would like to know how it is going
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Old 08-24-2013, 03:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Just out of curiosity, how did she find out? Did you confess to her, or did she start monitoring your activity? How she discovered your behavior will have an effect on the reconciliation progress.
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