Emotional Affair Suspected
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-22-2013, 06:51 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Emotional Affair Suspected

Hi I have ghost read for a while but this is my first thread.

I suspect my wife of 14years (and 2 kids) is having an EA.

Today I went to facebook and saw my wife had not logged out from her previous session.
Out of curiosity I opened a message from a female friend. She was discussing a facebook friend who it seems was a boyfriend when she was 17. My wife said that they both joke that they would marry each other if ever divorced and said that was unlikely as she loved me and was happy with me and he is also happy in his marriage. In this message my wife said we dont do 'fun things' anymore and that we are very different.Which I suppose is true.

I then clicked on another message from a male friend who I suspect is the ex boyfriend. I did see that they had arranged a phone call between them.

It has to be noted that the ex boyfriend is overseas on another continent.

Generally our relationship is good although my wife never initiates sex and does not speak about her feelings to me. Which has created tension in the past .

I feel I should confront her but know that the way my knowledge came to me will be the basis of a whole new fight if I try initiate a discussion.

Thanks.
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Old 08-22-2013, 06:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

Yes, do fully confront her as this is unacceptable and needs to be stopped now. There is never to be any contact with him again.

Next, talk with her and try and make the marriage better. Listen to what she has to say and work together to rebuild the marriage.
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Old 08-22-2013, 06:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

...and the fact that I gained my knowledge by going into her messages?
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

Never reveal your source.

Never have to prove the truth. She knows it already.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

There are no secrets in a marriage.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:07 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

I love the way a WS often defaults to "attack" as a first line of defense....the discovery of my STBXW's previous EA (PA??) 6 yrs ago was almost what was described above....cellphone left on the counter, her in the shower and a nagging suspicion in my gut that there was something going on.

Found the evidence on the phone, confronted her in the shower with it and her first words...???

"Why are you going through my phone messages"?????????

Um.....dear, why are you telling another man "Perfect bed weather....need to kiss you til you're hot"
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

There is nothing wrong with looking at her messages or at her FB posts, etc. My view is that if you wouldn't want your spouse to see what you write, then you shouldn't be writing it. EA's are poison, and often start very slowly. If she is defensive about you reading her posts, then isn't that an indication that she wants to hide something?

You don't need to allow the discussion to escalate, and evolve into an arguement about you "invading her privacy." Takes two to fight, so if she starts going down that path, you don't have to go with her. Simply state you understand her annoyance, etc. but that doesn't change the fact that she appears to be communicating inappropriately to the other party.

Good luck with this!
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I agree that there are no secrets in marriage. And that it does take two to fight. I know that me bringing up any personal issue will lead to an argument - it always does.

The Question though is that if there are no secrets in marriage how can I refuse to reveal my source?
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:29 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

Are you willing to tell her that she needs to stop doing X or you will file for divorce?

Are you willing to blow up your marriage over this?

The only way it works is to tell her to choose between X and her marriage.

And once you are willing to do that, it really doesn't matter if you snooped in her facebook.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

Because you are determining if your wife is cheating is why you are not being completely open with her.

I think you need to look into this a little deeper.

First get the two books linked to below and read MMSLP.

Also read NOT JUST FRIENDS with your wife.

Can you monitor her texts/messages/emails facebook?

Can you look at phone records to see who she is calling/texting and how much.

Many pe ople make the mistake of confronting too soon and the spouse just goes underground. That makes it more difficult.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks View Post
Are you willing to tell her that she needs to stop doing X or you will file for divorce?

Are you willing to blow up your marriage over this?

The only way it works is to tell her to choose between X and her marriage.

And once you are willing to do that, it really doesn't matter if you snooped in her facebook.
I feel that is overkill as she stated she loved me and was happy in our marriage. I feel that a statement like that is escalating and will lead straight to a blow up argument. I am listening and am open to all advice. I just am not certain being heavy handed is the right way. I love her and and not certain throwing the divorce card will get the desired results.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:40 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

Google how to retrieve deleted facebook chats. If things haven't changed you may be able to recover the messages.

From what she said, your marriage needs work. Do not hesitate to take charge.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:42 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

Is there more to this than what you put in you first post?
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:48 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaparral View Post
Is there more to this than what you put in you first post?
I am not sure what you mean. Please clarify so I can clarify lol
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotional Affair Suspected

Quote:
Originally Posted by soulseer View Post
I am not sure what you mean. Please clarify so I can clarify lol
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I mean, were you able to see their other messages. How long have they been in contact?

How long is he going to be on another continent? We have had other threads where that did not matter and the marriage was ruined.
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