RWB

My wife of 30 years has had 3 affairs over the past 6 years, 1 boss, 2 old boy friends. She says she still loves me and that they meant nothing. She says she felt trapped in a hole and could not get out because she knew I would leave her if i knew about it. 6 months have gone by. We are in counseling and she wants to make it right. I still love her and she loves me. We are getting better and I still love her. I still have trust issues. Has she told me the truth or is she still hiding details that she has told me. My counselor tells me to focus on now and future and quit reliving that past. I hate the past but still feel hurt sometimes. Anger is gone. Trust is still and issue. I am happy with her and she says she is happy to finally be past the lies and deceit. Does it really matter if she slept with this guy 2 or 5 times. My rational side says no. My hurts says tell me the truth. My counselor says time is the only answer. I keep pressuring her on the truth. I guess I will never know. I still hurts.

stillINshock

It will hurt for a long time. But if there is love there and if she is working hard to repair and make you feel loved, bathe in that. You would know if there was not enough love left to leave. The past will haunt you. Be prepared for those moments and try to work out a plan.
I asked my H to help me by every time I bring something related up that hurts me, to just tell me he's sorry and that he loves me. Every time. He doesn't always deliver that message the way I need him to, but its there.
Don't give up on the love that you know is there.
I'm so sorry you have to experience that pain. Good luck

BetrayedChris

The counselor also tells us that the past is the past, but thats much easier said than done.

Banff

You and I are in the nearly same situation. I feel exactly the same. My counselor says exactly the same. Its been three months for me. The hurt is real... The doubts are real... And I dont know how to get past the trust issue as well... I want to build a future -- but I want to know that it is a future that is stable and reliable. For me I am past the anger and want to move on -- but I want to know that I can trust again. Sorry I don't offer advice, but just know your not alone and the feelings you have are natural. Maybe the counselors are right -- maybe it just takes time.

turnera

The past should not be forgotten, if you have not achieved clarity.

Has she taken a polygraph yet? I wouldn't be moving forward without it.

RWB

Once I "found" out. I secured all the emails archive files, phone text, call logs, etc... I could find. Some took weeks to unravel. I had email archives going back 5 years. All the information pretty much supports everything she has told me, though it did take a week of lies to get to the truth about all 3 men. She talked about her affairs with the last OM. The last affair was devastating to me. She talked of how she was finally in love with a man that she could build a future, (we have been married 30 years). She put me down as someone that she has built nothing with. She has since said that it was like a trap she was stuck in. She was living a lie for so long that she was in a confused state about us, that she did not believe that I could love her because she was a fraud. I "knew" deep down that something was wrong and even asked from time to time if she was unfaithful. She had become a good at deceit.

RWB

More... I feel she has changed. We have changed our behavior a lot since finding out. She is so much more at peace. No more sleeping pill and stressed out anxiety. She broke off her affair immediately. The guilt and shame have taken a toll. I would not commit to her for a few months. One condition I would not relent on was truth and openness. My family and hers needed to know what she did and just how bad it had gotten. NO MORE SHADOWS. She had blamed me to others about how I was no longer caring to hide the shame. If she still loved me then truth need to be exposed. I sat her down with her mom and dad and had her clear the deck. Painful, a little weird but no more secrets. In addition, I have personally contacted the OM and spouses and let them know the truth. Nobody get a free ride in this mess. Some may think that is vengeful, perhaps, but affairs only exist in deceit. I don't think she could realize the magnitude and reach of actions until the truth was known by all effected. I told her from day one; the only way I will commit is through truth. After 6 months I believe she will be faithful, her counselor told me the same.

turnera

What you have done is AWESOME! Perfect!