Sorry for this, but I guess that I am stewing tonight because he is at work, I have a glass of wine.I know this may be touchy subject, but do any of you think about the things that your H or W may have done with the OW/OM?I dont fantasize about it or anything but I wonder if he had great sex with her, did he make love to her, did he like it better?I obviously need alot of therapy.Part of it as that my self esteem took a blow.She was younger than I am and very attractive. And I hate the B***h!
Re: Sorry for another thread: Sex that he had with OW
Hey,
My husband cheated in Oct 09, it was only one night. But YES YES YES I wonder all the time what the sex was like. My H suffers depression and is on medication. Lets just say the meds don't exactly agree with his nether region. And I constantly wonder if the issues we have in the bedroom, also occurred with her. He said it did, but again... we now have some trust issues. To believe or not to believe?
The pictures in my head, the mental images I have created are starting to fade, they are not as graphic as they once were... thank god. But I don't think I will ever know exactly what it was. I also wonder if they cuddled after, or kissed goodbye in the morning. To me that takes it from a one night stand to a relationship. Also something I may never know.
The OW knew he was married with 3 children, and does not care. I gave her a serious piece of my mind.... and OH YES It made me feel better. At least your husband's OW was hot, my H OW was nothing special at all... WTF?
Chin up, I hope it gets easier for you, I can honestly say, I get a little better everyday. But I'm still fighting the demon that I wasn't enough, and i'm not good enough!
Very painful process... but I have hope
Re: Sorry for another thread: Sex that he had with OW
I can't help thinking about what my wife gladly did for her affair partners that she did not do for me. She always wore every day panties, and only once bought something more glamorous. But for her facebook hookups she bought some thongs and fancy panties. She also changed her shaving habits for a sexier look. Before I knew what was happening, she said with a smile all this was for me... But when I found out what had happened over the past year... it all came into a clearer focus. We even had to sell the family SUV because it was the love shack. So to answere your question --- it appears I do think about it. My question is how long will these images haunt me.
Re: Sorry for another thread: Sex that he had with OW
I actually asked this question to my H. And he did his duty by telling me that "it wasn't that great because she wasn't you". Whether or not that is BS, I don't know but he has repeated it to me so many times that at least I can accept it as an answer. Is it to spare my feelings? Maybe.
I still get upset about the whole affair, but I ask myself less and less about WHY he did it and if it was good and more about HOW I know he won't do it again and how he could even do it in the first place. The mental pictures, they are going away but I think his telling me what he does helps that along.
Re: Sorry for another thread: Sex that he had with OW
Yes, initially alot but now less and less. Sometimes when we were being intimate I would get upset and tell him I wondered if he was thinking of her and their "times." He assured me it was only me in bed with him and in his thoughts. Over and over. He refused to give me every gory detail, said that it wasn't important, not necessary. But once he did tell me that it wasn't anything "crazy", just standard stuff.
I am hoping that as time goes on, I will think less and less. I, too, am fortunate because my H tells me all the time how much he enjoys being with ME.
Re: Sorry for another thread: Sex that he had with OW
I have a similar situation. The issue I struggle with is that I am the victim in this situation and don't have all the information. I feel she did something terrible to me and she also has more information on the actual events of the cheating. I feel that she doesn't have the right to hurt me like she did and then, on top of that, have more information on what exactly happened. For example, I don't think it's fair that she is able to imagine the exact actions that ocurred and I have no way to see the true actions or feelings that ocurred between the two of them. It's like having a secret that you are not sharing with your spouse.
At the same time, I can see why she just wants to forget it and not bring it up anymore. I don't think that the person that cheated will ever forget what ocurred. The images of the times they spent with their OM/OW will never go away. As the peson that was cheated on, I think it's unfair........ Sounds childish, I know. Having pain this deep sometimes causes us to react in ways we would prefer not to.
Re: Sorry for another thread: Sex that he had with OW
You dont want to know. It is irrelevant. Yes, our humanness takes over and we want to know all of the details so we can feel better about ourselves, "whew, she wasnt that good, Im better, so I feel better about myself." I am speaking from experience. When my wife had he first affair, when she went to the motel with the OM, when she put her purse down, it dialed my number, and I HEARD them in bed. Trust me, its better not to know the details, whether she was good or not. I heard mine, so I had something to compare myself to, and it did nothing but make things worse. Focus on the future. I know its hard. Also, this comes down to a self image and self esteem issue. Go to a counselor and find out why it is so low. When you regain your self esteem, the need to know will dissapate. But, its not easy, I wont lie...
Re: Sorry for another thread: Sex that he had with OW
Quote:
Originally Posted by BetrayedChris
Sorry for this, but I guess that I am stewing tonight because he is at work, I have a glass of wine.I know this may be touchy subject, but do any of you think about the things that your H or W may have done with the OW/OM?I dont fantasize about it or anything but I wonder if he had great sex with her, did he make love to her, did he like it better?I obviously need alot of therapy.Part of it as that my self esteem took a blow.She was younger than I am and very attractive. And I hate the B***h!
I did this a lot at first because I had the misfortune of stumbling upon graphic chat logs between my partner and the OW. They referred to specific things that had transpired so I had very clear, accurate images in my head. These thoughts would intrude into my mind at random times and be very upsetting. My therapist had me do an exercise where ever time that sort of thought came into my head, I was supposed to redirect my thoughts to my partner and I being intimate. It did work.
I also asked my partner a lot of questions about his experiences with her. I wanted to understand why after having little to no sex drive with me, all of a sudden he was hot and heavy with her. He said it was basically desperate escapism, and that any enjoyment he experienced was overpowered by the intense guilt and self loathing afterward.
Honestly the sex part has been the hardest part for me to deal with. I tend to think "like a man" and most men I guess are more upset by the physical part of the relationship, and that's totally the case with me. I can understand that the "emotional connection" was just BS but the physical realities of sex happened and were real. But the intimacy wasn't real, that's what I try to remember.
Re: Sorry for another thread: Sex that he had with OW
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightOwl
I did this a lot at first because I had the misfortune of stumbling upon graphic chat logs between my partner and the OW. They referred to specific things that had transpired so I had very clear, accurate images in my head. These thoughts would intrude into my mind at random times and be very upsetting. My therapist had me do an exercise where ever time that sort of thought came into my head, I was supposed to redirect my thoughts to my partner and I being intimate. It did work.
I also asked my partner a lot of questions about his experiences with her. I wanted to understand why after having little to no sex drive with me, all of a sudden he was hot and heavy with her. He said it was basically desperate escapism, and that any enjoyment he experienced was overpowered by the intense guilt and self loathing afterward.
Honestly the sex part has been the hardest part for me to deal with. I tend to think "like a man" and most men I guess are more upset by the physical part of the relationship, and that's totally the case with me. I can understand that the "emotional connection" was just BS but the physical realities of sex happened and were real. But the intimacy wasn't real, that's what I try to remember.
I hear you in your last statement. Because emotions are subjective and within peoples heads, it is easier to believe that you can fool yourself into think things for the wrong reasons. But sex is a physical act that absolutely happened there is no subjectivity to it at all. I guess my brain tells me that sex is probably less important than your spouse having true feelings for someone, but the heart sometimes wins out.
As I go through this, I am realizing that I need to become a better man in order to get past the A. I really want to be the person who can do a great deed and forgive and get past my wife's mistakes. I working hard to give that to her. My stupid heart is currently getting in the way. Doesn't mean I will stop trying though.
Sorry for another thread: Sex that he had with OW
