We have been married for 12 years and together for 17. We have four kids - three together and she had one previously - ages 5, 7, 10, and 17. The last year has been tough because I felt something was seriously wrong in our relationship. I work a lot of hours and have a crazy schedule. My wife found Facebook last winter and looked up a couple old boyfriends. Through out the last year I have found a couple emails and we had a big argument in July. She swore crying on her knees that "I was the center of her universe and she would never do anything to jeapordize our marriage." And said these emails were strictly friends. She then created a seperate email account and told one of them to only use this account Found out in October that there was much more. She slept with two old boyfriends. (One was home on leave from Iraq) HEEELP! It has pretty much destroyed me. We are going to counseling and it has helped some, but I need some third party folks to help me sort this out.
not trying to be harsh, but it kinda sounds like you may have drivin her into the arms of someone else by not trusting her. i mean, she was on her knees BEGGING for trust. try backing off a bit, dont check her e-mail or hover over her facebook as much. Dont be a complete fool about it either, keep light tabs since she did cheat on you but nothing too invasive. make her feel like you trust her again and this problem may just go away. When a girl keeps accusing a man of cheating on her what usually ends up happening? he goes out and cheats on her. if your going to keep getting accused of something you may as well be doing it.
The sexual relationship was in Feb, Mar, Apr of last year. At that time I was not checking anything. The second happened in May. Again before I was checking. I felt something was wrong between us, but was not snooping or acusing. That didn't start until July when I found a couple emails. Again because of her reaction I laid off - trusting her. But during the rest of the summer I got worried because she was not herself. Thats when I started looking. But time being what it is had very little time to look - didn't see the worst until late Oct.
well now that this is clarified, I would say keep with the counseling as long as possible and try to work it out, keep tabs on her receptivity to the counseling, we know you want it to work otherwise you wouldn't be here its her reaction you should worry about. If shes very responsive to the therapy then i say shes human and made a mistake forgive and forget, if shes in-responsive save yourself some heartache and get out. I hope it works out for you, however if you get the feelings of unease between you and your wife again i would bring them out into the open. your gut seems to be trustworthy and can help you weather the storm a bit.
I can't believe somebody would suggest this is your problem for "not trusting her enough". I lived through this myself with a partner with mental health issues for ten years. And I heard it all then too. It was my fault for reading her email or wondering what was going on with her. I had a very good marriage counselor who told me this was not the case. The person lying is the person lying. When you are married there are not supposed to be any secrets. You have privacy but not from your spouse. You are supposed to be as one. Your partner should never have a problem with you reading their email nor should you have a problem with them checking up on you. Anything less than this is just a domestic arrangement and you might was well be room mates. While there is nothing wrong with having your own time, interests, and hobbies or friends it should all be out in the open. Spouses who want to keep secrets and hide things do so for a good reason. Otherwise why would they care if you knew who they emailed or facebooked?
As harsh as it sounds thought his counselor told me as well that you can't make somebody faithful. Nor can you make them love you. If you can't trust her, then tell her that and let the cards fall where they may. What you have to do is get some help and get OK with yourself. Don't look to your wife for validation of yourself or your worth. Easier said than done I know but it can be done. Soo many people get wrapped up in trying to make a spouse "faithful" that really doesn't ever have any intention to be. Only she can change that. What I learned was be self confident, and do things to take care of yourself. Make her dishonesty and cheating HER problem. Not yours. If it;s something you can't deal with anymore tell her. And let her know the relationship consequnces if it happens again. Be prepared to follow through. If you can't tell her that her infidelity cost her the marriage. If you stay let her know precisely what she has to do to get your trust again. If that means monitoring her online activities for a while then if she has no ill intent she should have no problem with that. She needs to understand it's a consequnce of breeching the trust if she wants to stay in the relationship. A wiseman once said we should forgive 1000x1000 times. And that is true. but he also didn't say we had to put ourselves in a position to have to be used and forgive somebody over and over again for the same transgressions. Almost everything can be forgiven except deception. This is why that same wise man said unfaithfulness (lying, not so much the sex part) was the only moral grounds for divorce. Look at what you are doing wrong and fix yourself. let her fix herself. Stop taking on problems you don't own.
My wife also had a "crazy" night when we were dating. She was out with some friends drinking and ran into some of my friends. We were all in our early 20's. I had to work early the next morning and was not there. She got realy drunk and my "friend" offered to give her a ride to her car. (At her girfriends house - who left earlier) She wound up riding home with two of my old "friends" who stopped at one of their houses and had a threesome 2b1g It was a horrible deal - and way out of character for my girlfriend. (Or so I thought) But knowing my ex "friends" could easily see them rolling things in their favor with no regard for any one but themselves. She claimed she passed out and doesnt know what happened. At the time I chalked it up to stupid things 22 year olds do and pretty much moved on -- minus the "friends". Everything was good until this last year with facebook. These were my friends and not who she hooked up with all these years later.
I guess for me, my real problem is not knowing who my wife truely is. I am the provider for us and earn a decent living. She is a stay at home Mom who helps out at the school and works a couple hours a day for pay as a helper.
For a little more history - she underwent lap-band surgery Oct 08 and has lost some weight. She was not terribly overweight in the first place - but after four kids had a few extra pounds. This did not bother me in the least. I loved her either way. For me - about the same time I steped down from a higher paying, high stress job, to a lower paying / less tress job. And I am not sure if any of this played a roll.
So a couple questions
1. Did she see me as less of a provider because I steped down in position. (Totaly my choice for less stress)
2. How significant was the weight loss surgery
3. How much was for the sex. She says none of the affair attraction was for the sex, but she did have that previous deal (Which has always been there somewhere in the back of my brain) She always complained that I wanted sex way more than her?? And we still have a decent sex life. But she got new panties, changed her shaving routine, and told me it was for me --- but it surely was not...and had cyber sex with photo swapping...which she had never done with me...
I can forgive and move forward, but only if my wife is truely faithful. I don't know who she truely is. If she is a sex starved wife - hey I would love to do what ever it takes to fill the void. But she claims non of it was for the sex - that it was all for the emotional attachment that she was not getting from me.
On the outside she is the total church going, polite, perfect Mom. What the who...
Ok so she says you want sex too much but she's activly seeking affairs and hooked up with two old boyfriends?? Something is not adding up here. Use your brain....
Just one more detail - in Aug. I was sick with what I thought was the flue - but with the added benefit of a mouth full of sores. Saw the doc, who during the exam, asked if I have had any new sex partners lately. Of course I assured him no, and still didn't want to believe my wife would cheat. Well in November I got tested -- yep -- Positive for Herpes 1 and 2. Thats taken a little to digest also - from my church every sunday wife...now I may just be venting...........
Thats what I thought about the whole sex thing too. But in our counseling she swears that the sex was just extra. That it was all done for an emotional need. That what she wanted most was someone to listen to her and pay attention to her feelings. The sex was just a byproduct. But given the whole past, I am having a hard time believing this. It is like she can't get herself to admit she likes the sex because it would destroy her church going, Mom image of herself. It is excusable for her inside if she can validate it as fulfilling an emotional need not met, but would be unacceptable that she may have just wanted someone new to tell her she was sexy and get noticed for her sexuality.
How much longer are you going to let a filthy infidelity addicted pathological liar go on playing you for a fool?
Pack your bags, walk out the door. Do not offer an explanation, do not look at her, do not look back. She deservers nothing. If she falls apart, tell her you have wasted too much time on her already.
Every second you remain in her presence, you further contaminate yourself.
I am afraid Alex is right. She is a serial cheater. You don't just stop being a serial cheater. At least without significant counseling. She is also a great actor. She had you convinced that she was faithful when in fact she had slept with two other guys. First off a polygraph test is a must. Ongoing. every 3 to 6 months. That's if you choose to stay. Which I wouldn't
Banff, I know this is not what you want to hear, but I'm married to a pathological liar as well, who has cheated on me several times, and the road ahead, if you choose to stay, is filled with pain. When I found out about the affairs he'd tell me (the same thing every time) "You are my everything I love you so much, I was so stupid, I will never do it again, I'll do whatever you want, please don't leave me, I can't live without you, you are the smartest most beautiful woman in the world, you don't deserve what I did" blah blah, then he'd cheat again.
We are going to counseling, but it's painful. Very painful. I'm not the type to give up, nor am I the type to be taken advantage of. So, as wise person (on this board, true story) told me - you need to protect yourself from being hurt again if you are to continue with this marriage. Don't set yourself up for failure again. Get strong and do what you can to save the marriage if you decide to stay. I know leaving sounds like the smartest choice, but as we all know, it's easier said than done. Do what you can do to save it first, but protect yourself and let her be the one who ruins it. Make her be the one that leaves so that you are in the right, the whole time.
Just my two cents - to be taken with a grain of salt, because obviously I'm not in a successful marriage either. =/
Last edited by MrsInPain; 02-08-2010 at 04:56 PM.
Reason: typo
A little more - from the outside we have a terrific life. We have a beautiful five bedroom home in a perfect location. We don't have fights about anything realy. Our kids are terrific. The teachers all rave about our kids and tell us that they smile and laugh so much and seem to love life. Folks tell us all the time that they can tell we have a home filled with love and happiness because of the way we all get along.
Her folks are extremely active in their church and base their whole lives on their religious beliefs. They have been married for 40+ years. My parents were married for 45+ years, but are now passed away.
If you would line up a hundred folks - first impressions of my wife would not put her on any list of folks who would ever cheat - she doesnt look or seem the type. (If there is a type??) She seems like a Mom who likes being a Mom.
I love my wife still. I love my kids completely. But I'm having a hard time personally. My confidence in myself is at an all time low. Which seems odd, considering I have been a faithfull husband. Its been over three months and it is getting better - for sure. But it seems an awfully tough road.
Need Clarity NOW
