Two weeeks ago today I found a 'suspicious' mssg. from another woman on my husband's Facebook. The mssg. said, "I didn't mean to make you mad, I just want you to be happy".
I asked my husband (before he saw the mssg.) when he had last talked to this person and he denied having talked to her. After his denial went on for a while I had him go look at the mssg. himself and he finally admitted that he had partied with her at a New Year's party (which he had told me was just guys), they smoked pot together and she had encouraged him to 'leave his family and pursue writing'. He then said that he 'played in to it'. This is a girl he went to high school with and he describes her as "a troublemaker".
After confessing this, he blindsided me by telling me he wanted a separation. He told me he didn't love me and could not be 'who he wanted to be' while he was married to me. He blamed me for being miserable and began to throw things up in my face that had happened over 5 years ago.
Two days later, he moved out. Two days after that, he got an apartment in a neighboring college town.
Of course he denies an affair.
Before he left, he 'defriended' me (and all our mutual friends) on Facebook, changed all his passwords (including cell phone password) and took our computer saying he didn't want me to 'use anything against him' from the computer.
Yesterday he told me he filed for Legal Separation.
We have two children. He's 42 years old.
He makes it sound like I am crazy for suspecting an affair.
He has basically removed all possible ways for me to snoop on him....where do I go from here?
I do have an appointment with a lawyer on Thursday. I called a few days after he left and this is the soonest she could get me in.
As for the PI (which I've been wanting to get), do lawyers usually have an opinion one way or another about their clients hiring them? I was afraid I'd look crazy (as H has tried to tell me) if I hired one. If anything, maybe my lawer can suggest a good one?
From the sounds of it, it does sound like an affair doesn't it? After being told numerous times how suspicous and crazy I am by H (after all this came out) I am desperate for some validation.
Oh yeah--it sounds about 100% exactly like an affair. My guess would be that he thinks they are "just friends" and it may have been an emotional affair, but he likely moved out so it could become physical and in his mind he can "justify" it because you're separated.
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Oh yeah--it sounds about 100% exactly like an affair. My guess would be that he thinks they are "just friends" and it may have been an emotional affair, but he likely moved out so it could become physical and in his mind he can "justify" it because you're separated.
That's exactly what I thought, too. Getting the legal separation justifies it all. As does completely trashing me and blaming me for everything....and throwing stuff up in my face from YEARS ago about why he's so unhappy.
This has all happened so fast (I found the FB mssg. the evening of Jan. 25 and he was out of the house on the 27th)....it has literally blindsided me and completely caught me off guard.
Of course when it first happened I was sure I would fight to save the marriage. However, now I'm honestly not sure if I want it or not at this point.
I DO want the truth, and that is why I want the PI.
Anyway you look at it, he's guilty about something. But wow is there something to be said about the fast lane. Go girl. Keep your chin up. Its going to be a bumpy ride, but hold on to the confident feeling you have right now. Keep it. Remember it. You'll be in a good place. Onward.
I think it's a full blown affair. He feels guilty for it happening and doesn't want to face the consequences of it. Every time he says you are "crazy" for suspecting an affair...what he's saying inside is...."how does she know, and didn't I cover it good enough?
By the way...if you haven't seen paperwork...then a legal seperation hasn't been filed.
Do you want a man who can walk out on you like this and not take responsibility for what he has done...or at the very least his feelings?
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One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
Well, I got the paperwork last night. I don't know if our state doesn't recognize legal separations or what, because it says petition for divorce on it. Thank goodness I see my lawyer Thursday.
In the paperwork he wants to only pay me $400 a month and leave EVERYTHING else for me to pay....can he do that? Bail on his family and dump the house payment and all bills in my lap, while he goes off and happily gets a new apartment and a new lover? Really???
No. He can't. Deep breaths. Many men think women are just stupid and will accept whatever the man wants. Show him you're smarter than him. Find the biggest bulldog lawyer you can afford. If they don't talk aggressive in your meeting, find another one.
Affair? Yes. Trying to justify his behavior due to guilt? Yes. My situation was very similar with my ex. He is gaslighting you. (Look it up.) Learn from others on this board. Follow through with the lawyer, protect yourself. Its time for you to control yourself and the situation. When you are vulnerable, or he has you emotional and questioning yourself, (which he will try to do) and he knows it, he will be in control. DONT do what I did at the beginning of my mess. Dont beg, grovel, bargain or try and manipulate him into coming back, or telling you what you think you will be entitled to hearing from him. He will probably not fess up, so dont bother. Walk tall, straight, and do the right thing for you. We all make choices, and he will have to live with them. He will try and come back. Thats why you need to take care of yourself now, so you can make decisions based on rational thought, not pure emotion. Good luck, friend...
Well, tomorrow I go see the lawyer...here's praying she's a bulldog, turnera!!!
And squirsh, wow! What a great post. I agree with everything you wrote. Thankfully, I have been so mad at him I can barely look at him or talk to him (unless absolutely necessary, to make arrangements for the kids) so I have not groveled! That must totally be a God thing, because when he first told me he wanted a separation, my first instinct was to grovel, beg and take all the blame for what he calls our 'lousy marriage'...luckily I got a grip and stopped myself before I did. Then I got MAD!!!
And I know, deep down, that his affair will not prosper, you can't build love on a foundation of lies and deceit.
I am sorry for what your family is going through. If it were me, I would have a PI following him 24/7. What a jerk! Sorry, but I cannot stand how selfish people are anymore. Does commitment mean anything? Marriage is taken for granted way too much, it has lost it's meaning.
I know I would be devastated if this happened to me, and I hope you will be working with a grief or marriage counselor.
thank you, Magdalen. I still feel like this is a bad dream. I have spent a lot of the days alternating between spontaneous tears, disbelief and anger.
I actually called a PI today and she tried to talk me out of hiring her. She said, "you already know he's having an affair, why spend potentially $1000's to prove what you already know?" And there's a chance she would never find anything, especially if it's an 'electronic affair'. I'm going to talk to my lawer about it and see what she thinks.
Funny you mention getting a marriage counselor...my husband is one!!!! How's that for ironic? What a joke. I do plan on going to an individual counselor to try to work some stuff out, though.
Husband suddenly wants a separation...
