Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-13-2010, 12:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

Can anyone shed light on this from personal experience?

My wife has been involved in an emotional affair for over 7 months now. I have spent tons of time reading through:

www.divorcebusting.com
www.marriagebuilders.com
www.talkaboutmarriage.com
www.loveshack.org

In just about every single personal experience I read about, or every advice column or article I read, there truly seems to be some sort of script that all wayward spouses read from. Why is that? Is it biological? Psychological? Those with experience here should know what I am talking about A few common 'script' items or 'fog' babble that come to mind:
  • Re-writing marriage history
  • Projecting blame for the wayward spouses guilt onto the betrayed spouse
  • The typical "I love you but..." type of talk
  • The proclamation that the other person is the wayward spouses 'soul mate,' or something along those lines.
  • The demonizing of the betrayed spouse in order to rationalize the wayward spouses justification for carrying on the affair.
I'm sure there's tons more where you all with experience can add to the list above. Here's a couple of articles to illustrate the point:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Surviving-Infidelity:-Understanding-the- Fog&id=569562
http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/fog.asp

Can some of the more experienced posters here share some ideas?
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Old 02-13-2010, 12:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

Because the observation is basically correct that there is a script.

Amazon.com: The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat

99% of that book applies to women cheating as well.
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Old 02-13-2010, 12:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

I was just thinking about this same thing this morning.

My WH, of course, has followed the script as well. He has hit just about every sign of a cheating spouse and said just about every line that we read about. From suddenly dying his hair, to new taste in music, to the "I'm not in love with you", to rewriting the marital hx, to blame, etc. etc.

I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that affairs are like addictions. And addicts can be very predictable while they're in the depths of their 'sickness'. They are completely 'taken over' by the excitement and good feelings they are having and I think it is like thier brains are kind of short-wired by the adrenaline and euphoria.

I also believe a lot of it is their own guilt, and the lies they have had to tell THEMSELVES to get to the point of being in the affair in the first place. They have had to tell themselves a lot of lies from the very beginning and once you tell one lie, you have to keep lying to cover it all up. When a person is married and having an affair, the lies will enevitably end up being the same because they are all covering up and hiding the same secret.
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Old 02-13-2010, 08:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

"I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that affairs are like addictions. And addicts can be very predictable while they're in the depths of their 'sickness.

I just wonder how a betrayed spouse might use this predicability on the part of their wayward spouse to their advantage, in order to increase their chances of ending the affair and reconciling the marriage. I know that every situation and individual personality is unique. But, I'm interested in success stories and any insight I can gain from them.
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Old 02-17-2010, 11:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

It is a script and amazing that I feel like I am running around like crazy to fix all my faults and issues that have "created everything".
It is amazing what I would do to keep our family thats I guess why I gave in to everything but it only makes it worse.
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Old 02-17-2010, 01:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mentalradio View Post
"I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that affairs are like addictions. And addicts can be very predictable while they're in the depths of their 'sickness.

I just wonder how a betrayed spouse might use this predicability on the part of their wayward spouse to their advantage, in order to increase their chances of ending the affair and reconciling the marriage. I know that every situation and individual personality is unique. But, I'm interested in success stories and any insight I can gain from them.
Well, not sure I would claim my situation to be a "success" story but I can say, sadly enough, that the moment my H's affair was discovered and he told me, was the moment that my marriage begain to rebuild. I mean worst day of my life and very tough to get through but my marriage is stronger and happier than it has been in many years. (it's been 4 months since it was discovered/ended)

My H did follow some of the many scripts and in other ways, has not. As you said, each situation and individual personality is different. You're right, the A is like an addiction and with all addictions - lies and deceit are part of it. Which, in my case, I now think is a tad ironic - the man who couldn't keep a secret to save his life (ie. proposed within hours of buying ring because he couldnt' wait) had an A!
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

I would just like to add...

if i were receiving the love and intimacy from my husband that i crave from him, i WOULDN'T be looking for it somewhere else. Not like i was looking for it, but when it came to me, i just got carried away. altho i realise my actions are wrong, each night when i go home to my husband, i just feel justified in enjoying the fling while it lasts (when my husband just doesnt care about me and is happy living his life te way he is, why cant i have some good times myself)...

i would so love for my marriage to get back on track and emerge stronger and more loving, but i see no light at the end of the tunnel, while i live in anxiety and a constant state of stress... and that's my justification for enjoying the 'fling'...

my day begins with guilt for doing whats wrong and ends with 'what the heck' attitude on seeing my husband's coldness and his rejection of me... he sleeps in the same bed, but doesnt wish to talk, or cuddle even forget about sex... his mother (stays with us) too complains about his attitude and insentivity towards her... so i am not the only one complaining...

so its not like i am addicted to affairs (i am 33 and have strayed 1st time in my life and not proud of it)... but its my utter loneliness and depression that's leading me to accept whatever joy is coming my way (in whichever form)... and despite knowing the wrong that i am indulging in, i cant seem to just give up and continue to live in sadness....
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Old 04-06-2010, 06:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

Well I discovered my husbands affair more than a month ago. Confronted him at restaurant, showed him evidence(between him and the OW) and he still denies it. The affair is still on as far as I know. Maybe I should buy him this book from Amazon.com
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Old 04-06-2010, 09:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

Quote:
Originally Posted by married-infidel View Post
I would just like to add...

if i were receiving the love and intimacy from my husband that i crave from him, i WOULDN'T be looking for it somewhere else. Not like i was looking for it, but when it came to me, i just got carried away. altho i realise my actions are wrong, each night when i go home to my husband, i just feel justified in enjoying the fling while it lasts (when my husband just doesnt care about me and is happy living his life te way he is, why cant i have some good times myself)...

i would so love for my marriage to get back on track and emerge stronger and more loving, but i see no light at the end of the tunnel, while i live in anxiety and a constant state of stress... and that's my justification for enjoying the 'fling'...

my day begins with guilt for doing whats wrong and ends with 'what the heck' attitude on seeing my husband's coldness and his rejection of me... he sleeps in the same bed, but doesnt wish to talk, or cuddle even forget about sex... his mother (stays with us) too complains about his attitude and insentivity towards her... so i am not the only one complaining...

so its not like i am addicted to affairs (i am 33 and have strayed 1st time in my life and not proud of it)... but its my utter loneliness and depression that's leading me to accept whatever joy is coming my way (in whichever form)... and despite knowing the wrong that i am indulging in, i cant seem to just give up and continue to live in sadness....
The script isn't so much about what actually caused the affair, it is about what the WS says/does when confronted with the affair. From reading your post you may not do this, IDK. But in reading your post I thought you might be my wife until you got to the mother living with you part .
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

Quote:
Originally Posted by notreadytoquit View Post
Well I discovered my husbands affair more than a month ago. Confronted him at restaurant, showed him evidence(between him and the OW) and he still denies it. The affair is still on as far as I know. Maybe I should buy him this book from Amazon.com
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Caught an ex in BED (I was outside the motel room - window curtains had a separation) knocked on window, saw her get out of boss's bed grab her clothes and run for bathroom. She STILL denied it! lol Good times! OK not really
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Old 04-06-2010, 05:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

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Originally Posted by OneMarriedGuy View Post
Caught an ex in BED (I was outside the motel room - window curtains had a separation) knocked on window, saw her get out of boss's bed grab her clothes and run for bathroom. She STILL denied it! lol Good times! OK not really
Our 5th wedding anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks. My husband is having an affair but still denying it(got solid proof). Do you think this is appropriate gift for the occasion?
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Old 04-07-2010, 12:16 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

losinglove,

i am new to these forums and not used to the short forms what is IDK??

I also did not follow what u meant when u wrote -

But in reading your post I thought you might be my wife until you got to the mother living with you part


His mother and sister are living with us.. the sister will be gone once she gets married in few years... cant ofcourse let the mother live alone at this age, so she will be with us until....

last night i tossed and turned cos of the discomfort (6th month of pregnancy), finally got up and rubbed an analgesic to my hurting back... was hungry so went and ate something and had cold milk... could not sleep, both cos sleep wouldnt come to me and also cos of the back trouble so sat upright and tried sleeping... finally around 4 in the morning i fell asleep...

but not once did he ask what was happening to me or if i needed his help, all thru this he turned the other side and snored away...

i had spent the whole of yesterday feeling terribly guilty and ashamed of what i was doing at work (the fling)... i even texted TOM (and meant it) that we had no right to put our families (unbeknownst to them ofcourse) thru what we are by our behaviour and the only solution is breaking up but his behaviour just made me feel, hey what the f*** i am entitled to some TLC and joy... so i went thru the night hoping to see TOM again at work today...
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

[QUOTE=married-infidel;140891]losinglove,

i am new to these forums and not used to the short forms what is IDK??


Here's a link to a dictionary of acronyms commonly used here.

(ironically, IDK is not in there....it stands for "I Don't Know")




Common Message Board Abbreviations & Acronyms
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Old 04-09-2010, 07:39 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

I'm sorry but I don't mean to be harsh, I think if people r happy and both spouses r holding up their end of tIhe marriage contract an affair would not happen. U r not innocent and u have to take some responsibility for your wifes actions,If u were emotionally and physically there for her she would not be doing these things. trust me I know.
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Old 04-09-2010, 10:52 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do all wayward spouses seem to read from the same exact script?

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U r not innocent and u have to take some responsibility for your wifes actions,
hmmmm... no. You are correct in that the betrayed spouse is not innocent, they took part in creating the environment that made the affair easier to justify. They own, I'll say 50% of that.

The wayward spouse owns 100% of the responsibility for their actions.

Last edited by losinglove; 04-09-2010 at 11:05 AM.
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