Going through R but back to old habits.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-27-2013, 08:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Going through R but back to old habits.

I ignored her needs and resorted to porn for sex do to a perceived LD on her part. She strayed. I moved out and we almost did the amicable D. She dated him while I was out of the house and was prepared to basically leave me for him - suppose she did at this point. We have two kids - 2 and 4. I got to the point where I was cool with a D since I questioned my love for her from the beginning (I know long story but I felt pressure for marriage and things moved fast) but balancing the kids got me to realize the portion of their lives and memories I'd never see. So I made a last ditch effort to R before papers were signed. She said no. Then a week later she had a change of heart (I suspect the "fun" dating phase with the guy came to an end and she saw his faults). So we decided to sell our house, move about 1hr away, and she got a new job. Basically try a fresh start. So that's the background. In her new job she's always getting dressed up and she has this friendly personality that many males find intriguing I think because she's hot and she talks to them. So basically the entire time I've been with her, she's told me about men flirting with her. Some are zero threats - fat geeks. Others like her affair partner are threats. Basically I think it's a matter of time before she strays. We are back to how things were only with less fighting. Sex is about 1x every 2-3 weeks. The sex is fun but its been the same for 10 years. Heck I've only got about 6-7 bj''s since we've been together - which resulted in me eliminating going south on her. We stopped saying "I love you" and are roommates with rare benefits. I think she is HD but its lots of work doing the prep work to meet her emotional needs so I can get laid - and have it be routine sex at that. Yes we've talked about this but I guess neither of us are motivated to change. And yes I am lazy and selfish. If I'm going to put all this prep work in I keep thinking - why not do that for some strange? I know what I'm getting with her and she had the exciting affair sex. Also realize that I'll never be real close to a female again. I was good at displaying no emotion before and now I'm more so. I can't emotionally attach to anyone again, so for me it's really about sex. And currently that source is basically my hand and porn since the sex I so get is good but not worth the effort - like I'm cool with getting it maybe once every week or two. It can supplant my other time. If it were sex with someone new and exciting I bet I'd barely if ever want the porn since the sex would be awesome. So now I'm wondering if R is the right move. I love everything about my family life. In-laws are awesome the times we get together with my siblings and their kids is nothing short of pure joy. But without the kids I'm not sure what's left in the marriage. Don't get me wrong, I'm not horribly miserable but rather just sort of going through the motions and settling. I don't want to gamble what I do have for a worse situation. Anyone have a crystal ball that can tell me the right move? How about some other perspectives?
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Old 08-27-2013, 08:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through R but back to old habits.

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I ignored her needs and resorted to porn for sex do to a perceived LD on her part. She strayed. I moved out and we almost did the amicable D. She dated him while I was out of the house and was prepared to basically leave me for him - suppose she did at this point. We have two kids - 2 and 4. I got to the point where I was cool with a D since I questioned my love for her from the beginning (I know long story but I felt pressure for marriage and things moved fast) but balancing the kids got me to realize the portion of their lives and memories I'd never see. So I made a last ditch effort to R before papers were signed. She said no. Then a week later she had a change of heart (I suspect the "fun" dating phase with the guy came to an end and she saw his faults). So we decided to sell our house, move about 1hr away, and she got a new job. Basically try a fresh start. So that's the background. In her new job she's always getting dressed up and she has this friendly personality that many males find intriguing I think because she's hot and she talks to them. So basically the entire time I've been with her, she's told me about men flirting with her. Some are zero threats - fat geeks. Others like her affair partner are threats. Basically I think it's a matter of time before she strays. We are back to how things were only with less fighting. Sex is about 1x every 2-3 weeks. The sex is fun but its been the same for 10 years. Heck I've only got about 6-7 bj''s since we've been together - which resulted in me eliminating going south on her. We stopped saying "I love you" and are roommates with rare benefits. I think she is HD but its lots of work doing the prep work to meet her emotional needs so I can get laid - and have it be routine sex at that. Yes we've talked about this but I guess neither of us are motivated to change. And yes I am lazy and selfish. If I'm going to put all this prep work in I keep thinking - why not do that for some strange? I know what I'm getting with her and she had the exciting affair sex. Also realize that I'll never be real close to a female again. I was good at displaying no emotion before and now I'm more so. I can't emotionally attach to anyone again, so for me it's really about sex. And currently that source is basically my hand and porn since the sex I so get is good but not worth the effort - like I'm cool with getting it maybe once every week or two. It can supplant my other time. If it were sex with someone new and exciting I bet I'd barely if ever want the porn since the sex would be awesome. So now I'm wondering if R is the right move. I love everything about my family life. In-laws are awesome the times we get together with my siblings and their kids is nothing short of pure joy. But without the kids I'm not sure what's left in the marriage. Don't get me wrong, I'm not horribly miserable but rather just sort of going through the motions and settling. I don't want to gamble what I do have for a worse situation. Anyone have a crystal ball that can tell me the right move? How about some other perspectives?
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She's into other men and you're into porn. And topping it all off you have two young kids.

I think you should have finalized the divorce.
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Old 08-27-2013, 08:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through R but back to old habits.

Since you seem to have completely emotionally detached, I don't see why you'd want to stay. I know you have kids, and I'm a parent, too, so I understand when people say they want to stay together for the kids' sake, but this sounds like a very unhappy, non-fulfilling marriage. Marriage shouldn't be so miserable. Yes, we're going to have ups and downs, but do you really want to live out the rest of your life like this? You need to think about that and then decide whether you're willing to fight for this or not. No one here can tell you the future, but can you say you've put 100% of your effort into this and it still didn't work? If you can, then maybe you can walk away. I'd at least try MC or IC before throwing all of this away.
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Old 08-27-2013, 08:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through R but back to old habits.

Take a hard look at yourself. Think about what kind of man you should be. For your wife and your kids. Them become that man.

Or you could continue to kill your M...
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Old 08-27-2013, 08:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through R but back to old habits.

I think you failed to actually change anything when you moved other than location.

Why didnt either of you learn about what it takes to actively build a better marriage and then do it.

You are right that if you keep dong the same junk as before you are going to get the same results.

So now that you see that - change!
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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So are awsome marriage common? To me, I often prefer to do my own thing when time permits. For instance if no prior plans are established for a Friday night, I get excited to play some Xbox or watch a mindless movie that she would hate or both all night. If after the kids are in bed, and "my time" is about to start; she says "hey let's do something or want to watch a
Movie?" Immediately I'm bummed and reluctantly say yes to avoid a fight. Thing is, I think this way about 90% of the time. Occasionally ill get excited to do a date night or something (which 90% of the time ends in no sex and me jerking it - ditto all anniversaries and birthdays). So I don't know - I figure after your with someone for so long things become boring and routine and you sort of do your own thing. I can't grasp some of the marriage stories on her where people are so crazy for each other after so long. The situation is comfortable now financially and in the fily setting. The marriage isn't awsome and I've never felt like marriage was anything specacular - it's just something you did. And with kids I think it's essential. Now I realize that if you don't want kids then its archaic, financially dangerous, and unneseccary. My opinion of course. MC didn't do much for me. At first I felt like doing 100% to save it but now I'm at about 25% or whatever the bare minimum is. Again it's really the marriage that's not great - all else is good to very good.
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through R but back to old habits.

Then why are you still married????? Seriously.
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:21 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Then why are you still married????? Seriously.
Kids and finances. And we fight way less so I'm not nearly miserable as 2 years ago
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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So are awsome marriage common? To me, I often prefer to do my own thing when time permits. For instance if no prior plans are established for a Friday night, I get excited to play some Xbox or watch a mindless movie that she would hate or both all night. If after the kids are in bed, and "my time" is about to start; she says "hey let's do something or want to watch a
Movie?" Immediately I'm bummed and reluctantly say yes to avoid a fight. Thing is, I think this way about 90% of the time. Occasionally ill get excited to do a date night or something (which 90% of the time ends in no sex and me jerking it - ditto all anniversaries and birthdays). So I don't know - I figure after your with someone for so long things become boring and routine and you sort of do your own thing. I can't grasp some of the marriage stories on her where people are so crazy for each other after so long. The situation is comfortable now financially and in the fily setting. The marriage isn't awsome and I've never felt like marriage was anything specacular - it's just something you did. And with kids I think it's essential. Now I realize that if you don't want kids then its archaic, financially dangerous, and unneseccary. My opinion of course. MC didn't do much for me. At first I felt like doing 100% to save it but now I'm at about 25% or whatever the bare minimum is. Again it's really the marriage that's not great - all else is good to very good.
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Good marriages don't just "happen." They take a lot of work. Work you are not currently putting into yours. Are you willing to do the work? If not, get used to the way things are or move on.
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through R but back to old habits.

It sounds like you don't want a relationship, you want sex on demand. Unless you're happy with random hook-ups, that formula typically doesn't exist, and certainly not in a long-term relationship.

If a marriage is "awesome" as you put it, it's because both partners are invested in each other, make spending time together a priority, and continually engage in activities to foster an emotional and physical connection.

Are you attempting to initiate sex and she is denying you? Or are you assuming she doesn't want to have sex? What energy are you offering to elevate sex beyond "routine"? Have you had an open conversation with her regarding the state of your relationship, or do you just disappear after your parenting duties for the day are done and then wonder why your partnership is suffering?

She is a person, just like you, with independent wants, needs, and hopes - not just a parent or housekeeper or employee. When was the last time you both chose to engage with each other as people?

No marriage is "awesome" by chance. It takes effort and focus to ensure your romantic relationship is a priority, and you both are selfless enough to focus on your spouse, recognizing and trusting that your partner will be there to fulfill you in return.

You can both change your path, if you choose to. She doesn't have to choose an affair, and you don't have to choose to marginalize her when it's convenient for you. If you're not going to pursue a better relationship with each other, then divorce.
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:30 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through R but back to old habits.

You seem to be saying that your marriage sucks, but not as bad as it used to but you are not prepared to do anything about it.

Sounds like everyone is happy - so what question are you asking?

Try harder at your marriage. If it doesn't improve things, tell your wife to buck up or get lost.

Easy peasy.
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
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For the kids. So they can grow up and see first hand what a dysfunctional family is like, with a mother who's an adulteress and with parents who do not respect each other.
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:33 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Kids and finances. And we fight way less so I'm not nearly miserable as 2 years ago
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If you do intend to stay together now, you'll also have to fight your mind movies of her with her lover.
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:43 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Going through R but back to old habits.

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Take a hard look at yourself. Think about what kind of man you should be. For your wife and your kids. Them become that man.

Or you could continue to kill your M...
This.

It sort of sounds like you are a tit-4-tat scorekeeper type. That is resulting in passive aggressive traits like the "I won't do this because she doesn't do that." Try flipping things in your head. You want a bj every now and again. She can or she can not, but that is her choice. The next issue is you need to decide if you want to go down on her or not; That’s your choice. Don’t let the other issue cloud why you should or shouldn’t. It should really be a question of “do you want to or not?”

Then keep expanding it throughout your life. Instead of making excuses and talking yourself out of stuff, just look at it as a simple question of ‘do I want to or not?”.

I’d also suggest stopping porn for a bit. Sounds like you are trying to replace sex with it, and they aren’t the same thing at all. Pick up some hobbies, particularly social ones with other people. Get out and do stuff. And stop treating this as a ‘marriage’. Treat it as ‘dating’. I found that helped me drop expectations I might have for the role of wife (as well as expectations for myself of what a good husband is). You might find a bit more success that way.
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Old 08-27-2013, 09:45 AM   #15 (permalink)
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If you do intend to stay together now, you'll also have to fight your mind movies of her with her lover.
That bothered me at first but she's human and I get her reasons. It's just sex - she did it before I knew her and will likely again if we stay married or not. Years ago that "movie" would've enraged me and drove me insane. I'm detached from that. I'm not normal in that sense and the close buddies I've consulted with dont understand my passive view on it. They thought I should dismember the guy.
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