Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings
Depending on the context, I don't think noticing or even commenting on someone's attractiveness is necessarily disrespectful to your mate. If he said it directly to her and sounded like he was fishing, then that's one thing. If it was in private and he wasn't hitting on her or saying it to her, then that's another.
Commenting to your friends or yourself about how attractive someone is, is not solely a male behavior. Women do it too. Nor is it "cheater behavior" alone. Plenty of faithful people, (myself included) don't stop noticing attractive people once in a relationship. I'm sure I'm not the only faithful woman who has agreed with or commented to a girlfriend that this or that stranger was hot. I'm also sure plenty of faithful men do this too.
Don't get me wrong, just as I think it's normal for him to notice, I also think it's normal that you feel a bit put off when you hear your spouse express an attraction to someone else. That would bother most people. In a fantasy world, our mates would only ever be attracted to us and everyone before/after us would pale in comparison.... However, life isn't like that and attractive people don't cease to exist once you marry/commit to someone. ETA: or re-commit after cheating.
I think you hearing your H say stuff like this is more hurtful to you because of your history together. It's likely that it has reopened some old wounds that you should explore and process on your one. Unless you're willing to reveal to your H that you've been using the VAR.