How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

I was cheated on a year ago. Our son was two months old when I confirmed what I knew was happening. I decided to try to reconcile. I've been worried lately that it might be happening again so I've been tracking him using find my iphone and using a voice activated recorder. I hate doing this, but I need to know.

My issue is, I can hear him whistling at girls while he's driving around and he's had a couple conversations with male friends about women passing by that I'm not thrilled about. Nothing damning, just commentary.

So how bad is this? I don't know how to take it and my perspectives are all messed up because of this emotional roller coaster.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

It's bad.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

Your husband isn't dead! Personally, I think whistling at women is immature; but, you can't expect him not to notice others or even have conversations with his buddies about a pretty girl.

If this is what you are hearing, I would say get over it.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

Well while there's no concrete evidence of cheating, it demonstrate his disrespect for females and especially for you.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

The whistling is disrespectful to both his wife and the other women.

Add that to the fact that he's already been caught cheating makes it bad.

I'm cool with the commentary about pretty women.

Look, talk about, but don't touch or attempt to interact with (aka whistling).

That's crossing the line in my book.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

I don't know that I agree with the other posters about the whistling and disrespect. If the window is down and he is screaming out or whistling loudly out the window to get their attention, I can see some level of disrespect, but if he is doing it in the privacy of his own vehicle for no one but himself, I don't see it in the same way.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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True he is in private but still dang I'd hate to have to listen to my husband whistling at other women.

My opinion may be biased as well.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

The whistling is very disrespectful to you and to the women he is whistling at.

But, IMO, it's not worth confronting and possibly blowing the cover of your voice activated recorder.

Not saying it's right, but men whistle or cat call to let out a little testosterone. They know that there's little chance it will be well-received or get them a date. It's more of a game.

Going to online dating sites or something like that is far, far more threatening.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Yes, and if he's doing it to himself with the windows rolled up, then it really is no harm no foul.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

Thanks for the replies. I agree that it is immature and I can't be 100% sure but I think they can hear him. It's summer and he has no air conditioning in his truck. I can hear it over the loud bass of his stereo. I've accepted he can be immature about some things for sure. Mavash, you are right. It is painful to hear. And I can't confront him about it or he'll know what I'm doing. I feel like listening in is immature a bit too, but it's my last resort. I can't justify leaving him over whistling and commenting, but I'm afraid its a sign of him not taking things too seriously. I just don't know any more when I'm over analyzing things because this has been so hard. If I leave I'm alone with 2 kids and no real family or friends for support.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:45 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
The whistling is disrespectful to both his wife and the other women.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mablenc View Post
Well while there's no concrete evidence of cheating, it demonstrate his disrespect for females and especially for you.
Really? It would be if his wife were in the vehicle with him. Whistling is just juvenile.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Yes, and if he's doing it to himself with the windows rolled up, then it really is no harm no foul.
Wouldn't that be even more strange?
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

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Wouldn't that be even more strange?
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No different than talking to yourself or thinking out loud, which lots do to pass the time when alone.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:55 PM   #14 (permalink)
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No different than talking to yourself or thinking out loud, which lots do to pass the time when alone.
True, it actually made me laugh to imagine him with the windows rolled up
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Old 08-27-2013, 02:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to Handle what you hear on Voice Recordings

Depending on the context, I don't think noticing or even commenting on someone's attractiveness is necessarily disrespectful to your mate. If he said it directly to her and sounded like he was fishing, then that's one thing. If it was in private and he wasn't hitting on her or saying it to her, then that's another.

Commenting to your friends or yourself about how attractive someone is, is not solely a male behavior. Women do it too. Nor is it "cheater behavior" alone. Plenty of faithful people, (myself included) don't stop noticing attractive people once in a relationship. I'm sure I'm not the only faithful woman who has agreed with or commented to a girlfriend that this or that stranger was hot. I'm also sure plenty of faithful men do this too.

Don't get me wrong, just as I think it's normal for him to notice, I also think it's normal that you feel a bit put off when you hear your spouse express an attraction to someone else. That would bother most people. In a fantasy world, our mates would only ever be attracted to us and everyone before/after us would pale in comparison.... However, life isn't like that and attractive people don't cease to exist once you marry/commit to someone. ETA: or re-commit after cheating.

I think you hearing your H say stuff like this is more hurtful to you because of your history together. It's likely that it has reopened some old wounds that you should explore and process on your one. Unless you're willing to reveal to your H that you've been using the VAR.
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