Is this cheating? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:37 PM Thread Starter
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Do I end it?

Hi, I'm new here, stuck with a massive dilemma! Any help greatly appreciated!

I've been with my now fiancÚ, over 2 years, things are great, we have our ups and downs, but all in all we're a pretty perfect couple!

The fiance has to go overseas with work for 4 months, I'm ok with this, we talk on the phone, everything seems good! Now, we're 1 month in...

She has met a new 'friend' out there, a guy. Originally, he is just a friend who she can hang out with, someone who has the same interests, which I'm ok with. After a few days, it comes out that she finds this guy attractive, and after some more chat, she eventually tells me she 'fancies' this guy, she likes this guy, and has been having sexual thoughts/fantasies about him, she also tells me that she has started to feel distant from me while she's been gone.

Obviously I wasn't happy about this, so I subtly talk to her about it. Now she's replied that she is going to keep seeing this guy, because he's a nice guy, and she wants to stay good friends with him, even when they return back to this country, and when I ask, she tells me I have nothing to worry about.

When I questioned her about it, she says she wish she hadn't told me, because now she feels bad about what she's doing, though she is continuing to see this guy! I don't want to be the guy who stops his girl having friends, but I feel like I should put a stop to this and/or end our relationship if she has been unfaithful!

Am I over reacting here? It sounds a little fishy to me, what are people's thoughts?

Thanks
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post #2 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:41 PM
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Re: Is this cheating?

As a general rule of thumb, if I am doing anything I know my husband would be uncomfortable with knowing about, I stop. This was true even when he was my husband-to-be.

She now feels bad she told you she was attracted to him? Sounds like she's falling down the rabbit hole if she hasn't already...

Definitely sounds like EA, possibly PA. I'd put your foot down. Turn it around on her - how would she feel if you had a female friend you told her you were attracted to and were having sexual thoughts about? One that you refused to stop hanging out with?

If she doesn't understand that, then maybe it's better you two didn't make it down the aisle yet. I'm sorry you're in this position.
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post #3 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:42 PM
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Re: Is this cheating?

She's dating another man. You should have a problem with that and she should stop it immediately. If she doesn't see the slippery slope that this situation presents, you shouldn't be wasting your time with this woman.
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post #4 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:46 PM
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Re: Is this cheating?

Stop this now if it isn't too late already ultimatum time in my opinion.
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post #5 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:46 PM
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Re: Do I end it?

Quote:
Am I over reacting here? It sounds a little fishy to me
Dude are you serious

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #6 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:47 PM
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Re: Is this cheating?

This is more than a friend and you know it.
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post #7 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:48 PM
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Re: Do I end it?

You posted this in two subforums. Generally that's frowned upon.

Same advice, though: tell her either to cut off contact or end the engagement. Be thankful you two aren't married yet.
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post #8 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:48 PM
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Re: Is this cheating?

She doesn't feel bad enough to stop seeing him, meaning he's more inportant that you.
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post #9 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:49 PM
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Re: Do I end it?

She is cheating on you. She has already slept with him. She is now giving you the back story to "not hurt your feelings".

Drop her like a hot potato. She is your fiance, not someone you are dating where there is no commitment. Tell her to enjoy her new "friend" and btw the engagement is off, that you have no interest in being friends with a fiance who has no idea what boundaries are in being a fiance.

Tell her good bye.
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post #10 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:51 PM
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Re: Do I end it?

Yeah. Are you serious? She is having sex with him. Simple. Cheaters lie and she is minimizing everything. She wants to marry you and keep him on the side as a lover. That's the long and short of it.

Wish her a happy life and tell her the wedding is off. Then go dark. Do not speak to her anymore.
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post #11 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:52 PM
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Re: Do I end it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by John_1875 View Post
When I questioned her about it, she says she wish she hadn't told me, because now she feels bad about what she's doing, though she is continuing to see this guy!
She's not a keeper.
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post #12 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:53 PM
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Re: Is this cheating?

Yes this is cheating. And for the record, now is not the time to be subtle.
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post #13 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:53 PM
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Re: Is this cheating?

Get your ring back before you confront her. If you live with her have her crap packed before she comes home. Pick her up at the airport, get the ring back and as you get home tell her to call movers.
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post #14 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 03:59 PM
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Re: Is this cheating?

Tell her parents of this new "friend" so when you call this off she can't make up a stupid story.
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post #15 of 63 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 04:00 PM
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Re: Is this cheating?

Hmm, would you be able to fly out there and surprise her? Get the ring while you are out there.
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