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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 11:14 PM Thread Starter
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Hi everyone


I'm new here. Usually I use forums on internet for auto repair, etc so this is new to me but I feel so desperate for an answer, any answer, etc. I'd like to post what has transpired over the last 2 months in my marriage (wife left after committing adultery), in the hopes that someone, anyone out there can give me some insight to perhaps her thought process, rationale, anything! I'm so lost and lonely. I'm not giving up on her or my marriage. Thanks.

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post #2 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 11:24 PM
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Re: Hi everyone

Hi EI2013,

Welcome! Sorry for your troubles. Most of us here have been through the same or similar, so there is quite a lot of collective knowledge for you to take advantage of if you need too.

Can you give us the back story? Do you have any specific questions that we can help you with?
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post #3 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 11:26 PM
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Re: Hi everyone

Sorry you are here. Infidelity is a hard thing to go through.

One thing to start with is to read the book "Surviving An Affair" by dr. Harley. It's a quick read and will give you good direction.

How long have the two of you been married? Do you have any children?

Surviving An Affair -
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post #4 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-27-2013, 11:42 PM
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Re: Hi everyone

In a nutshell Dawg, she lost romantic interest in you. Women crazy in love with their husbands don't up and leave them for another man.
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post #5 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 12:07 AM
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Re: Hi everyone

Originally Posted by EmptyInside2013 View Post
...I'd like to post what has transpired over the last 2 months in my marriage (wife left after committing adultery), in the hopes that someone, anyone out there can give me some insight to perhaps her thought process, rationale, anything! I'm so lost and lonely. I'm not giving up on her or my marriage. Thanks.
Umm, can you provide some more details?

Hard to gain "insight" to her "thought process" without a greater understanding of how your relationship was before, after, and leading up to D-day.
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post #6 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 12:23 AM
Join Date: Mar 2013
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Re: Hi everyone

As safe of an assumption as lack of romantic interest might be, it's a bit early to be drawing conclusions given that we have few details. The guy is obviously hurting and breaking it down like that is a bit harsh.

Why and how she left, how much of it has to do with her problems, how much of it relates to marital problems, etc is important. Also is she going through a honeymoon phase, did she really want out of her marriage and just took the easy way out, is it just hormones and endorphins? Kids? Who knows?

2 months seemingly left in the dust is not a good sign to say the least. I hope you've at least begun to move your life in your own direction. Make sure you're taking care of yourself, improve on areas you feel need work, etc. It will be good for you and will make you more attractive to women overall, whether or not your wife chooses to be among that group.
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post #7 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 10:36 AM
Join Date: May 2012
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Re: Hi everyone

Sorry man, read a few threads, tell us your story.
Familiarize with the lingo, usual concepts, etc.

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Mal de muchos, consuelo de tontos
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post #8 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 10:56 AM
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Re: Hi everyone

Did you find out or did she leave and then tell you?
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post #9 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 11:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hi everyone

whew, ok, here it goes. I apologize for length, but I will try to keep simple regardless.

Part 1 of 2:

Wife: 35 yrs old who had two wonderful children when I met her, 1 boy, 1 girl. We met when she was within the last few months of her separation from 1st husband. Story was they split because she knew he was messing around, she asked him to stop, he didnt, so she left. She allowed kids to stay with him and she rented a house and lived with her two brothers. We dated for little over a year, and then got married. Our 9 yr anniversary is this coming Sept. 9th.

Her background: Very family oriented (her family), nothing disparaging can be said about any of her family. She has 3 brothers (two of which are bums, the other, the youngest, hard working professional) She was always very very affectionate, loving and caring, especially about me and the job I do. (Firefigher). She was abused sexually/emotionally as a child but NEVER has had counseling/therapy. Her mother never took that step for her so it is unresolved. Her mom and I always got along despite differences. Wife would routinely express to me things like, "I could never imagine you with someone else", etc. Despite her good qualities, she is a very selfish person. She does not handle problems, but rather turn back to them in hopes they will resolve themselves. Never apologizes for anything as she has VERY difficult time admitting any wrongdoing. Last couple of years was rough because she had two major surgeries one year apart and last year she was in danger of dying.

My background: First few of marriage while she was still blissfully happy I did what some do and continue to go out and drink and act as if I was still single, however despite being out late and with questionable friends, I NEVER CHEATED on her, but I would imagine in her mind I did or would. Im 38 years old, this is first marriage. After a few years, I grew up and began the role of seriousness about the marriage. I ALWAYS accepted her kids as my own and my relationship with them has been great. She and her ex have admittedly stated how good of a stepparent I am. I still had late nights here and there, but my focus was our house, kids, etc. I almost literally bend over backwards giving her what she wants, and NEVER sugarcoating anything. I was always brutally honest with her and despite her love for "family" there have been times that Ive proven that I am the only person she can TRULY and unconditionally depend on.

Marriage till 2012: ups and downs like normal people, but she became increasingly less affectionate, less sex (sometimes attributed to her physical ailments in recent 2 years.) She even became unwilling to let me vent frustrations at daily events for me that were not marriage related, simply brushing my problems off as not important. This led me to occassionally talk to friends (some female) because I felt I couldnt confide in my wife. But nothing EVER happened sexually with these women.

2012 (March) I was speaking to a female friend at her house. Her husband is also my friend, my wife found out I was there with her husband being present and WWIII broke out. She moved out for 3 days to friends house but called on day 2 crying about she didnt want our marriage to be over. Clearly I was the one at fault, but SHE was adamant about working things out. A few months goes by, all clears up then she got sick and was hospitalized for 2 months. Of course I was there everyday along with her mom, but of course.......no family, none of her "tight knit" family were there but me and her mom. During an argument after she was released from hospital, she commented to me that I only came to hospital everyday to make myself look good.

Things simmered down, and in December of 2012 we began what I consider to be a fantastic turn of events. Absolutely no arguing whatsoever. We got along better, talked, confided, sex was still not as much but she asked me to be patient cause of her physical ailments. Sometimes she drank a little at get-togethers so later that night we could have sex cause the alcohol took some edge of the pain for her. This better marriage continued until late april 2013.

Next thread continues....
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post #10 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hi everyone

Part 2 of 2.

April 2013.

She seemed to overnight became less inclined to talk after work, etc. We did less with each other and when I addressed these issues, she kept saying "Im fine", "Im tired, dont feel good, etc"
It was a complete 180.

This continued through May and into first part of June. Her shift is 6a-6pm as a dispatcher at an ambulance company. She routinely would come home late due to it being busy. Sometimes 8 or 9, even later. This always happened for last few months and there was NEVER an inclination to me about it being suspicious since it was something she did for more than a year. Also note that my wife was not sociable. She didnt hang out her GF's, didnt party, wasnt out at wierd hours, etc. She literally just stayed at off on days off and chilled with the kids.

So here where it all went downhill.

June 12th (wed) she is working. I order food and she isnt home yet from work at 10pm. I text and she says "sorry, i was chatting with Katie, I'm on way". I cant explain at all my emotion or feeling at the time but something didnt feel right. I never felt that way before. I drove to her work and her truck was gone. When I got home, she was confrontational as if she knew what I was gonna say. We argued about why her truck was gone but the argument was fruitless. She said I was talking to Katie. I let it go that night. She slept in bed with me that night.

June 13th. She worked, we had replacement windows done that day and we texted back and forth to chat about the windows. I asked if we could talk about what happened and she said "fine". When she got home, I addressed issue, and she simply sat there and said "Im moving out, I want a divorce". I was stunned. I asked if it was b/c of someone else and she said adamantly "no".
We argued more, and then we went to bed separately.

June 14/15: She slept separate but we didnt argue at all, and it was as if nothing ever happened.

June 16 (Father Day) I went to work, I said goodbye, she said "I love you, be careful", something she hadnt said in weeks. Later that day we argued and she said "I dont want to talk about this, I told you I was leaving". She grabbed some clothes and left. She stayed at a family members house next few weeks.

June 17th (D-Day) I wanted so desperately to talk to her, world was spinning out of control, I drove to her work around her quitting time, when I went through the lot, out of corner of my eye I spotted her truck and another vehicle next to hers in a back corner. I backed up and a guy got out of her front seat, fell on ground trying to get into his truck. I confronted them both. She had nerve to ask me "what are you doing here?" We argued, I asked that guy (who NEVER GOT out of his truck) who he was, was he sleeping with my wife and was he married. He didnt tell me his name, and said no to the last 2 questions. I am very resourceful (I know many policemen as well), I simply stated to them "I will know by tomorrow who he is". I wrote down his tag number and left. The next day I found out his name, that he WAS INDEED married with a 6 month old child and he was a coworker of my wifes.

June 18 - 24, just text arguing, etc. She called an attorney, as did I. She kept pressing to me that she didnt want a 12 month separation (standard in Maryland) but a complete divorce and only way to get that is through adultery complaint that she WANTED me to generate. But also in MD, she must provide a "witness" which has to be the party she had affair with.

June 25. My friend goes to his gym (across from wifes work) sees her drive into parking garage, he calls me. I go there and see her and that guys truck in garage. I walk right up and two of them are in her back seat. I couldnt see anything specific due to low light conditions. I was so angry, I smacked backwindow and they both got out and left. It took everything I had not break every tooth in that guys mouth. I left, and called the guys wife. She was surpisingly not shocked simply stating that she didnt know anything physical was going on but that she already confronted her husband about talking to my wife 6 weeks ago!! Which puts that time frame around her beginning the odd behavior.

June 26 - Late July. Arguing, texting, and no progess on anything, even with lawyers. For someone who wanted a divorce so bad, she just simply walked away from everything expecting or anticipating I would handle it. She even got an apartment. She picked up mail one day and said she would be back the following saturday for furniture. I expected her "family" come help with a moving truck, etc., but when I ran into her at Walmart 2 days prior and asked what time she was coming..........she said "I dont know, I dont have anyone to help me move". So, me, being who I am, rented a truck and spent 3 days helping my wife move into her apartment. She broke down crying one time, gave me the most sincere hug I've had in literally 2 years, and when I asked if she still loved me, she said yes. So again, out of all her "dependable" people, I was still the ONLY one she could truly depend on despite that I should have been the last one. She never admits wrong, still has not said she is sorry, but sent a text message a few days after that saying "thanks for your help, I know I didnt deserve it".

We talked minimally since then with her making small talk and even agreeing to get lunch with me then changed her mind. Things were settled down, no progress through attorneys, then it happened. I was debating filing the adultery complaint, and hired a P.I to be sure and yup, on Monday July 29, that guys truck was at her apartment at 9:30pm and again on Thursday at 11:30pm.

After hearing that on that Monday night, I called that guys wife again, but she said what I didnt expect. She initially said, "he's not here, we argued over weekend and he is staying away for few days". I was nauseated cause I knew damn right well where he was. She then proceeded to tell me that her and him were going to marriage counseling, things were getting better overall, and that she makes him tell her when he gets to work if my wife is working that day too. She said anything else happens....marriage is over. And I was speechless. She seemed so happy, I didnt have the heart to tell her I knew his truck was at wifes apartment. We hung up, I called wife, didnt let on I knew he was there, and we argued furiously about how I felt I was made a fool of and how Ive always been there for her and I feel so betrayed. Later that night, she called me asking me "why did you call his wife again" and I replied that I just wanted to chat with her. Apparently after I talked to his wife she called her husband to see where he was. He didnt know that I actually didnt say anything to his wife but Im sure he was uncomfortable. I told my wife that his said they were working things out which is information I seriously doubt this guy told my wife.

So. thats it. My wife remains in apartment. No progress from laywers. Her and I have had no contact WHATSOEVER since Aug 2. I do forgive her, but I dont understand what happened since her and I were getting along so well.

Just a few notes. Things ive been told over years by her.
2 years ago: "Im not in love with you anymore" told to me during argument.
Also been told, 'my family is permanent, you are temporary" though clearly Ive shown otherwise

Now I feel lost, and feel like she has ripped MY family from me including kids I treat as my own. And to my knowledge, this guy has not been at her apartment much at all since that last thursday. Sorry for this being so long, just easier to get opinions when all facts are laid out. Thank you.

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post #11 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 12:03 PM
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Re: Hi everyone

You really need to study mmslp
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post #12 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 12:08 PM
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Re: Hi everyone

Sorry for the short post got cut short.

You cannot decide for her if you are permanent or temporary.

Your best chance now is likely to take strong actions. Start with a hard 180 and do it for you.

Get checked for stds.
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post #13 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 12:23 PM
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Re: Hi everyone

Tell the OMW where he was when he was gone. Talk to your wife's family. Let her mother know about her lover. Do not help her anymore. She is in the fog of the affair. If she will not change jobs, then you should file for divorce. She will not wake up and change. She does not respect you. Respect yourself and show her that cheating has consequences.
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post #14 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 12:28 PM
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Re: Hi everyone

Sorry man. You keep putting yourself in position to let her stab you in the heart. Don't die of bloodless. Stop letting her stab you!

She is living with another man.

Think about for a second. Your wife is LIVING with another man. Whether you forgive her or not is irrelevant. She's moved on. And I think you're better off for it. She is damaged to do what she did to you.
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post #15 of 56 (permalink) Old 08-28-2013, 12:28 PM
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Re: Hi everyone

Please have a look at the stickies in this section, read up on the 180, have a look at the Newbies thread and start disconnecting yourself from this cake eating woman. And STOP helping her out. In ANY way.
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