Living in limbo?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Living in limbo?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-28-2013, 05:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Living in limbo?

Sorry but wanted to share my thoughts with everyone here on a sentence I just read.

Quote:
Others stay and live in limbo, never allowing themselves to connect again. Both are awful ways to live.
That quote was from Mrs. Matthias.

I connected with that quote as I once knew a girl (19 at the time) who had a affair with a MM and problem there was MM was the brother of her sister in law, so basically extended family, they had their affair got caught he confessed he had feelings and moved out, she denied anything happened and carried on like normal, she basically shut down, everything became exposed and she had to leave town, she started seeing MM again but dropped him from pressure from family, and then for 2yrs lived in that situation described above. No proper relationships, void of loving emotions, depression and self esteem issues abounded. This would be more than 8/9yrs ago now, but it took her many years to open up and leave the land of limbo.

I still speak to her on occasions as she is a friend of my marriage, she still suffers self esteem issues but I think with IC she will continue to grow.

I just thought I would share and ask if anyone else has seen the same or similar?

People after exposure of the affair landing in limbo and struggling to find their way back?
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Old 08-28-2013, 06:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living in limbo?

TONS of people like that you describe on the General board. Usually with some sort of title of "sexless" followed by some sort of title about "sticking it out for the kids"

A life wasted.
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Old 08-28-2013, 03:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living in limbo?

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TONS of people like that you describe on the General board. Usually with some sort of title of "sexless" followed by some sort of title about "sticking it out for the kids"

A life wasted.
This "sticking it out for the kids" thing is something I did and regret terribly!!!!! I was loyal and held to ransom over sex, chores "if you do XY&Z" etc, you know the deal, luckily she cheated and ended that charade, never looked back either!!!

I had an honest conversation with my wife and told her straight "anything less than 3X/week is unacceptable" and she agreed, that where we had maybe lacked intimacy before we knew what the issues were and we both work towards meeting those needs within our marriage now.

But I am seriously thinking hard on the "land of limbo" dwellers, why they suffer in silence and why they stay there?

Is it self esteem? Self confidence? Emotional immaturity? Or are there other aspects that I just don't get?

Sorry but feel I want and need to analyze this a bit further as it could reveal more about how and why cheaters become cheaters.

I can see a sexless marriage as an obvious mine field for obvious reasons, the sexual needs not being met, and the same for emotional needs, the posts I read from Mrs.Matthias gave me great insight into her own affair and it showed how her needs were unknowingly being met by another man outside her relationship, I am now looking at books and such to build on my own marriage but what else can we look at to help those around us?
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Old 08-28-2013, 04:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living in limbo?

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Originally Posted by wranglerman View Post
This "sticking it out for the kids" thing is something I did and regret terribly!!!!! I was loyal and held to ransom over sex, chores "if you do XY&Z" etc, you know the deal, luckily she cheated and ended that charade, never looked back either!!!

I had an honest conversation with my wife and told her straight "anything less than 3X/week is unacceptable" and she agreed, that where we had maybe lacked intimacy before we knew what the issues were and we both work towards meeting those needs within our marriage now.

But I am seriously thinking hard on the "land of limbo" dwellers, why they suffer in silence and why they stay there?

Is it self esteem? Self confidence? Emotional immaturity? Or are there other aspects that I just don't get?

Sorry but feel I want and need to analyze this a bit further as it could reveal more about how and why cheaters become cheaters.

I can see a sexless marriage as an obvious mine field for obvious reasons, the sexual needs not being met, and the same for emotional needs, the posts I read from Mrs.Matthias gave me great insight into her own affair and it showed how her needs were unknowingly being met by another man outside her relationship, I am now looking at books and such to build on my own marriage but what else can we look at to help those around us?
Because for some, fear of the unknown is far more scarier, than the evil they already know.
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Old 08-28-2013, 05:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living in limbo?

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Originally Posted by NeverMore View Post
Because for some, fear of the unknown is far more scarier, than the evil they already know.
True.

Wranglerman, I have to say I like your avatar, and your location.

Fear is the primary reason people don't move on and heal.

Fear is the reason people lie, and cheat.

Fear is the reason people can't love freely.

I would prefer to risk it all, and have love. If I fail, I try again with someone else.

I would think that the cowboy on you avatar would ride again. Hope you would too.

I also would think a fresh start would be better for most people.
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Old 08-28-2013, 05:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living in limbo?

Limbo is a matter of perception and judgement from others. From the outside, Iím sure listening to me describe my marriage sounds like limbo. I donít really love her (Hallmark love), thereís not a lot of respect, trust is conditional, sheís both brilliant and stupid, I donít rely on her for emotional needs or support. I donít open up with her and withhold my deepest stuff. Sounds awful right?

Not really. My perception: Thatís how it was before I fell in love and was unsure where this was all going with her. You know... that dating period where you just arenít sure. Also note that this period of your relationship probably has a lot of your fondest memories. Before it got all serious and stuff. Sheís fun, she makes me smile, she is a bit of a wildcard. And thereís no real expectations I have for her. She isnít responsible for making me happy, I am; If she does stuff that gives me a smile, itís just icing. I can just enjoy what she brings to my life without dwelling on what she doesnít or what I should expect her to do. Seems full enough of a life to me.

If she brings misery... I deal with it. When or if that becomes a pattern, Iíll just move on. Thereís detachment there too. I donít rely on her to define who I am. She doesnít ďcomplete meĒ. I donít ďneed herĒ in my life. I like having her in it. Thatís it.

It allows me to feel fine being angry with her. To not have guilt for supposedly Ďfailing herí (but not failing myself). It allows me to see what she is bring to the table instead of just what she isnít. It allows me to grow in a direction I want. It allows me to be me without any fear or worry how she might react.

Thereís limbo, where time stops and you are just waiting to die some day; Imprisoned Zombie. And limbo, where the relationship isnít trying to be something you decided meets the fantasy you have of a marriage and what that should be; the standard Hallmark things...

I think of your ideas of what a good marriage is like a square box defined by ideals. People just try to build the relationship so that it is the exact shape and size of the box. Itís ďmissing somethingĒ if thereís left over room; and feel entitled to have the other fill those voids. Itís failed, if it isnít square or slops around. And they fight and fight to get it defined nice and neat to fit into that box. Secure is when you get it hardened to that shape. At that point, Iíd argue you are limbo as it is not growing anymore or going anywhere.

I think of a relationship as an abstract blob. Trying to mold it to fit that box didnít work. So instead, I just let it be a blob and take whatever form it wants. I kicked the box away.
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Old 08-28-2013, 05:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living in limbo?

Fear of the unknown.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of making the wrong choice.
Fear of what other people will think.
Fear of the future.
Fear of financial change.

FEAR!
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Old 08-28-2013, 05:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living in limbo?

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Originally Posted by wranglerman View Post
But I am seriously thinking hard on the "land of limbo" dwellers, why they suffer in silence and why they stay there?

Is it self esteem? Self confidence? Emotional immaturity? Or are there other aspects that I just don't get?

Sorry but feel I want and need to analyze this a bit further as it could reveal more about how and why cheaters become cheaters.
It mostly reveals things about cheaters as it relates to their interactions within the marriage. Many cheater traits are internal and don't reflect on the spouse, though cheaters will exploit weakness. Every person is different, every relationship has two people, and every infidelity story involves even more people. Then you have the family background, upbringing, character, etc... it's very complicated. You could drive yourself mad trying to figure out what caused one person to cheat, let alone trying to explain the entire phenomenon.

With regards to limbo, I think all of those things you mentioned can be a factor. At a certain point the person you're with becomes all you know, and the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. Uncertainty and fear lead to complacency, time goes by, nothing changes, they both care and do less for each other. It's a necrotic situation to be sure.

People should not accept that kind of situation, and maybe they don't at first, but the talks and fights that seem to bring resolution only last long enough to bring false hope and keep the relationship on life support. Whether they're scared of losing their partner or scared of being alone/finding someone new, these people should really be scared of wasting away their life away in an unhappy existence.

In reality, standing up for yourself and your relationship standards does one of two things: It scares your partner into making real and necessary changes out of fear of losing you, or it allows you to move on without that person (who turned out not to be your "partner" after all).
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
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This is where I am - limbo land. It doesn't feel bad and I guess I panic when I think of change. We had a big fight the other night. I had to go downstairs with my son afterwards and I thought he had left the house and left me and I freaked out. He hasn't and he was apologetic. So there's that, I want him and don't want him. I believe that fate will show me the way.
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Old 08-29-2013, 02:11 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by looking for clarity View Post
This is where I am - limbo land. It doesn't feel bad and I guess I panic when I think of change. We had a big fight the other night. I had to go downstairs with my son afterwards and I thought he had left the house and left me and I freaked out. He hasn't and he was apologetic. So there's that, I want him and don't want him. I believe that fate will show me the way.
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The kids are a big limbo complication and I understand that. I've always wanted to provide the stable environment I did not have, and failing in that is one of my biggest fears. Sometimes, as with my parents, separation is the lesser of two evils.

I'm sorry that you feel stuck and at the mercy of your fate, but you do still have some control. You have more power than you may think - you have leverage against a serial cheating husband. Feel some of that power and don't allow yourself to become driftwood in his life. If you're hoping the relationship self-destructs as an out, I understand, but why wait for fate (in the form of your husband's poor choices) to make the next move if it is likely to cause further hurt? If you want things to work out for the kid(s), take some initiative to improve your relationship and make sure he does the same.

Fortune favors the bold, not those who wait for their fate to be decided for them. With or without your husband, I hope you find your way out of limbo.

Last edited by Cabsy; 08-29-2013 at 02:16 AM.
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Old 08-29-2013, 01:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Living in limbo?

Quote:
Originally Posted by wranglerman View Post
This "sticking it out for the kids" thing is something I did and regret terribly!!!!! I was loyal and held to ransom over sex, chores "if you do XY&Z" etc, you know the deal, luckily she cheated and ended that charade, never looked back either!!!

I had an honest conversation with my wife and told her straight "anything less than 3X/week is unacceptable" and she agreed, that where we had maybe lacked intimacy before we knew what the issues were and we both work towards meeting those needs within our marriage now.

But I am seriously thinking hard on the "land of limbo" dwellers, why they suffer in silence and why they stay there?

Is it self esteem? Self confidence? Emotional immaturity? Or are there other aspects that I just don't get?

Sorry but feel I want and need to analyze this a bit further as it could reveal more about how and why cheaters become cheaters.

I can see a sexless marriage as an obvious mine field for obvious reasons, the sexual needs not being met, and the same for emotional needs, the posts I read from Mrs.Matthias gave me great insight into her own affair and it showed how her needs were unknowingly being met by another man outside her relationship, I am now looking at books and such to build on my own marriage but what else can we look at to help those around us?
I have co-dependency issues. I thought it was a good marriage (even after the EA's and PA's)
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