My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-28-2013, 07:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

I'm new to this website, just found it yesterday. My story is this. I'm a 48 year old man. My 46 year old wife and I have been married for 3+ years. This is the second marriage for both of us. My wife has 3 children from her first marriage. Her 14 year old son lives with us. The older two live on their own. I have two children from my first marriage, a son age 11 and a daughter age 13, both of whom live with us.
Our marriage has always been rocky, a product of the blended family I guess. My wife has always been kind of secretive, I guess. A year into the marriage, I found that she texted and called an old boyfriend hundred's of times over several months. I tried to put a stop to that.
But two weekends ago I caught her in full blown affair. I went camping overnight with a couple of friends. She was home by herself because our kids were at the exes the weekend. She ended up spending Saturday night with another man. I found out because she left her Kindle out and I saw that she had been instant messaging this other man. The messages were extremely graphic sexually. I was stunned. I confronted her when she got home and she admitted it. She said it had been going on for 6 months. She told me how ashamed she felt and how sorry she was and how much she loved me and wanted to still stay married. I felt that if I hadn't have seen the messages, she would still be having the affair and I`d be none the wiser. I feel she was sorry she got caught.
What makes this worse is that my first wife did this to me also. My wife knew how hurt I was by all this, yet she cheated anyway. I'm kind of at a loss by all this. I threatened to kick her out, but I feel bad for my stepson. He's innocent. I think about reconciling, but how do I get past this loss of trust? I don't think I can ever get past that. She lets me check her phone and Kindle and computer, but how do I know if she's erased anything? Besides, she resents it very much when I do check thing.
A part of me wants to reconcile, because I still do love her very much. Another part of me wants to move on and put her behind me. I don't know if I can ever trust another woman, though. I told myself after my first wife did this s**t to me that I would never let it happen to me again. Well it did happen again and I don't know what to do.
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Old 08-28-2013, 07:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

Dump her. She is not worth another tear.
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Old 08-28-2013, 07:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

You have been through this before, so, you know what now must be done. You are so early into this "marriage" and your new, second, wife is treating you like this. You have been cuckolded again! You have your evidence, she doesnt care about you, your children, and even her own. File for divorce, have her served in the most public way. I personally dont think you should ever consider R this marriage. I think she will do it to you again. But, that is up to you. At the same time, work on yourself. There is something going on with you to allow this to happen again. That isnt an insult, but, we all tend to gravitate in these situations to what we know. That isnt always good as your finding out. Good luck, keep strong
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

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What makes this worse is that my first wife did this to me also. My wife knew how hurt I was by all this, yet she cheated anyway. I'm kind of at a loss by all this.
a woman i dated seriously decades ago deceived me, and now my stbxw has done it again, even though she knew my ideas about infidelity. in IC i'm talking about this pattern. i know you have enough emotional wreckage to deal with right now, ClairesDad, but this should be something to look into.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

She married you to finish raising her son. If you reconcile, expect her to leave when he finishes high school.

What happened to her first marriage, if you can talk to her ex.

She had at least an ea before this and it was probably a pa too. In any event there is almost no chance a serial cheater will change.

Have you gpsed her car, put a var in her car, she likely will be using a burner phone.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

Her son already has a father, so he'll be alright without you.

That she not only was cheating so early into the marriage, but that with everything that was going on in your blended family she found the and energy to go out, find an affair partner, spend the time to build a relationship with him, and put the energy she did into sexual messages , planning hook ups with him etc - I'd say clearly she is not committed to you or the relationship.

She is using you a second income and provider to help raise her kids and give her a roof but she is turning to other men for sexual and emotional satisfaction.


I strongly suggest you divorce her. It will also serve as a thing your own kids can be proud of you for. You brought this cheater into their lives, and now that she is revealed you need to be strong and remove her from their lives.

If you need more motivation, demand she take a polygraph, because its likely she's been doing it all along and you just caught her one tryst. The exbf likely got some for example.

Btw, she'll likely just get a burner phone next time to carry the affair on underground better

Did you find and expose the guy she was cheating with to his own wife/gf?
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

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Originally Posted by ClairesDad View Post
. I told myself after my first wife did this s**t to me that I would never let it happen to me again. Well it did happen again and I don't know what to do.
Before you can decide what to do - you need some serious and I mean serious introspection. You need to figure out why you chose the women you did. See a counselor and make no promises to your wife. Until you understand who you are - you can't make a fully informed decision....
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Before you can decide what to do - you need some serious and I mean serious introspection. You need to figure out why you chose the women you did. See a counselor and make no promises to your wife. Until you understand who you are - you can't make a fully informed decision....
I disagree about the order here. He is not at fault for having chosen a cheater. Yes, he needs to improve the type of woman he gets romantically involved with and needs to pick a better more solid person, but he doesn't need to do this before dumping her cheating butt into the street.

Especially since his first wife cheated he needs to dump this one otherwise it says to his kids that a person should put up with betrayal by their partner.

On other-worlds to the OP, If this happened to your win child in their marriage what would you advise them ? Then, follow your own advice.

I think you know you want to dump her and that she can't be trusted based on the 2 times you ave caught her betraying the marriage in only 3 years.

Your second guessing dumping her partly out of fear of being alone again, and fear of looking foolish for being taken in by her lies, and out of disrupting your family.

You won't be alone forever, but her presence is preventing you from meeting the woman who will e good in your life.

People will think you are more of a fool for accepting a cheat spouse than they ever will for you giving your trust but them dealing with the betrayal swiftly and cleanly.

And your loyalty is to you and your kids, and when she is gone you will still be with them going through life together.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

Please get the mmslp book in my signature. I would recommend the other book also, but you wife never intended to be faithful to you.

Good luck and prayers for you and your kids.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:15 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

It is reasonably likely that you would end up with another cheater - even if you weren't attracted to that sort of person (if there is a "sort" that cheats).

It might be that you have some odd "flaw" that means you end up being cheated upon, more likely you lost a numbers game that is far more likely than a few coin tosses coming out heads one after the other.

Having read your post in the other thread and now this one, I agree with Shaggy:

"And your loyalty is to you and your kids, and when she is gone you will still be with them going through life together."

She is clearly 100% selfish and has no intention of being faithful.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:15 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

You deserve better than this and she is old enough to know that secrets are not healthy to a marriage.

I can't tell you what to do. But I will tell you what I would do.

I'd pack her stuff for her and file as swiftly as I could.

She has no respect for you or the marriage. You don't deserve that crap and you need to consider the example you are setting for your own kids. Do you really want them to grow thinking that this is normal and that they should have to put up with it some day. Think about that.

Good luck
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:21 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

Do you know for sure why her first marriage ended? Just curious... I suspect you're correct that her affair would be continuing if you hadn't caught her, and you're probably better off without her. The impact on your stepson is on her.

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Old 08-28-2013, 09:31 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

I fear this is no more than the tip of the iceberg. She's a serial cheater, a trill seeker, she surely was a serial cheater before you met her, this is who she is, after catching her at least twice you can't delude yourself thinking it's a one time mistake built after a very long dying relationship, perfect storm sort of.
Serial cheaters don't change, it's what works for them, the double life where the BS is the safety net, convenient long term partner but their emotional life is focused on the - always changing - cake on the side.

If you are not ready to pull the trigger ASAP make your demands.
NC letter.
Complete transparence in comunication devices and whereabouts, with no hesitation.
Full disclosure (to back up with a poly).
STD tests.
No reminders, gits, mementoes, defiled underwear...
No toxic friends, people in the know...

Even she agrees to this you need to become a serious PI and snoop on her back like yesterday (be sure she didn't went underground) and then put the ball on her court, demand to get help (IC, books, online readings) to fix what she broke.
My take is she will reject, bargain, deflect, delay... everything as you are already seeing how she get pissed of when you check on her.

BTW, has this new OM a wife or SO? She needs to be informed ASAP. Do it without warning your wife, just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm sorry you had to be here man.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:35 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

Get out ASAP. Learn the lesson. When you find someone new, have fun, enjoy the companionship for what it is, but under no circumstance become attached. Learn to be detached but present. Learn to live in the moment and don't get deep with someone. And do not ever get remarried. A future lady might demand this of you, and you should lead her believe that it might happen in the future but don't do it - keep her hopes high for as long as the relationship is going well. Become and stay mobile.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:38 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage

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My wife has always been kind of secretive, I guess.

(1) A year into the marriage, I found that she texted and called an old boyfriend hundred's of times over several months.

(2) But two weekends ago I caught her in full blown affair.

(3) She told me how ashamed she felt and how sorry she was and how much she loved me and wanted to still stay married.

(4) What makes this worse is that my first wife did this to me also. My wife knew how hurt I was by all this, yet she cheated anyway.

(5) I threatened to kick her out, but I feel bad for my stepson. He's innocent.

(6) She lets me check her phone and Kindle and computer, but how do I know if she's erased anything? Besides, she resents it very much when I do check thing.
1- A year into the marriage! This speaks volumes about who your WW really is. This is supposed to be the "honey moon" phase.

2- So 2.5 years into the marriage she's having sex with another man. If the texting a year earlier was a different OM, my money is on that she had sex with him also.

3- She told me how ashamed that she got caught, yet again. I'm guessing this is really why her last marriage failed.

4- So she knew you were cheated on in your last marriage and she cheated on you anyway...

5- Bingo! Like others have said, she more than likely married you to upgrade her and her Sons standard of living. She will try to use her son into guilting you into giving her another chance.

6- If you mean that she resents you checking her phone after you caught her having unprotected sex with another man for 6 months, tell her that you resent now having to get STD tests done and tell her to start packing!!!

If you stay with this woman I see nothing but misery and pain in you future.
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