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To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

13K views 105 replies 34 participants last post by  Truthseeker1 
#1 ·
This is a question for BSs - did the way you found out effect your decision to divorce or reconcile? If your spouse confesses versus you catching them - did it effect your next moves? I'm really curious to hear your insights....
 
#59 ·
Yes it does. In my case she confessed by herself, after i urged her to tell me what's wrong.
But i'd also say that it matters if they tell the truth right away, cause most of em tell it piece by piece. The lies are the biggest obstacle after finding out. It's like playing Jeopardy with a politician.
 
#61 ·
It effected things a little. I found out about the EA. She later confessed the PA. I then found a second EA.

The confession of the PA bought her some time for an attempt at the R.

In the end, the R is more affected by the process.

My R was a time for me to get through the emotional phases and re-build my confidence. It made the D less painful for family and me because it was not as shocking when I decided to end it.
 
#66 ·
This is a tough one for a lot of different factors. Most of it has to do with you as the BS and perceptions/suspicions about your spouse you’ve already accepted on some level; Like if you decide that there might be something going on, but just can’t get to what that is. I constantly tried to various excuses for why she behaved like she behaved, but nothing was concrete; Mid life crisis? Weight yoyo? Death in the family? Something I’m doing? Kids? Work? Bad friends + bad advice? It’s that which sort of dictates the level of trauma done to you.

It’s always going to be a shock. But I think that period where you accept ‘this’ happened is greatly reduced if they are operating in a manner that seems ‘in character’ and explains a lot of those things rolling through your head. Discovery or confession just sort of answers those questions as to ‘why’ she was doing this stuff that seemed out of character... It suddenly makes sense why she’s distant, moody, overly loving then screaming at you. You now have a reason and know where the problem lies.

As far as what is better, discovery or confession. I think of it in terms of increasing your chances of a reconciliation. A wayward who confesses has a better chance. A wayward that takes responsibility for their actions has a better chance. A wayward that is remorseful has a better chance. A wayward who tries like hell to somehow make this up to you has a better chance. A wayward who is looking out for you and doing what they can to help you through this and find understanding has a better chance. A wayward who works hard on themselves, seeks council, and makes changes has a better chance.

A failure to do any of these doesn’t make it worse. But there are also things they can do to make it much, much harder to reconcile: Broken NC, continued affairs, rugsweeping, threats, dictating terms, continued behaviors, etc. They are just proving what their now traumatized BS is already fearing about them... they are horrible spouses.
 
#67 ·
As far as what is better, discovery or confession. I think of it in terms of increasing your chances of a reconciliation. A wayward who confesses has a better chance. A wayward that takes responsibility for their actions has a better chance. A wayward that is remorseful has a better chance. A wayward who tries like hell to somehow make this up to you has a better chance. A wayward who is looking out for you and doing what they can to help you through this and find understanding has a better chance. A wayward who works hard on themselves, seeks council, and makes changes has a better chance.

A failure to do any of these doesn’t make it worse. But there are also things they can do to make it much, much harder to reconcile: Broken NC, continued affairs, rugsweeping, threats, dictating terms, continued behaviors, etc. They are just proving what their now traumatized BS is already fearing about them... they are horrible spouses.
Disagree about the bolded part. Not taking responsability make things worse (imposible to me), lack of remorse, empathy make it worse (imposible to me, again), the rest is always a matter of perception (I believe all can seen as rugsweeping) and expectatives (many can think that not stepping up make things imposible too).
 
#68 ·
In my case had FWW confessed it would have put a different spin on things. (assuming I didn't later find out that I was about to find out anyway. Like OMs wife learned of it.)

As it is, TT makes it all look WAYYYYYY worse. Because then it's not just an affair, it's a callous disregard for the well being of the BS. It also shows in some ways contempt for the BS, along with showing a lack of love.

But when they lie to your face for months, you begin to question whether this person ever loved you. Whether they're capable of having feelings for anyone besides their self.

It also destroys your opinion of the WS, in such a way that not only do you have the hurdle of the affair for R, you have all the vile acts that followed.

R would be an entirely easier concept to swallow without the TT. For me it made me doubt whether FWW wanted to be with me at all. Or whether the discovery forced an R that wouldn't have happened otherwise.
 
#70 ·
It doesn't matter whether they loved you or they did not... What matters is you are hurt, they didn't care enough NOT to hurt you like this... But also it matters that regardless, when this situation is started it usually turns out very very badly.
 
#73 ·
Mine half-confessed. Told me she had written him "I can't do this any more" but then she kept on contacting him through the internet for 3+ more months. And she completely hid the PA; I had to discover that. And yes, I'm still with her because she's one of those who's worth it. But I had to seriously think about what I was willing to live with, and if this was one of those things.

Nothing in my life has ever cut me so deeply, and I've had lots of them.
 
#82 ·
100% without a shadow of a doubt the way I found out influenced my decision and subsequent actions.

My partner asked me to sit with her, then she confessed that she had a PA, gave me all the details, and hid nothing.

The fact that she spared me from having to discover the A, her willingness to be truthful about the situation, and the fact that she chose not to lie about the circumstances, allowed me to eventually offer her a path to R by setting out my boundaries and requirements.

It took a while for the fog to lift, but once it did, and she complied with what I needed to move forward, we began the hard work of R.

We are almost at the two year mark of R, things are good and continue to improve as we invest work into the R, and I can honestly say that her confession made it possible for me to consider this possibility.

I can not say that if I had found out that we would not have attempted to R, but there would have been quite a bit more damage for me to deal with internally and could have prevented us from trying.
 
#83 ·
100% without a shadow of a doubt the way I found out influenced my decision and subsequent actions.

My partner asked me to sit with her, then she confessed that she had a PA, gave me all the details, and hid nothing.


The fact that she spared me from having to discover the A, her willingness to be truthful about the situation, and the fact that she chose not to lie about the circumstances, allowed me to eventually offer her a path to R by setting out my boundaries and requirements.

It took a while for the fog to lift, but once it did, and she complied with what I needed to move forward, we began the hard work of R.

We are almost at the two year mark of R, things are good and continue to improve as we invest work into the R, and I can honestly say that her confession made it possible for me to consider this possibility.

I can not say that if I had found out that we would not have attempted to R, but there would have been quite a bit more damage for me to deal with internally and could have prevented us from trying.

totally honesty from the outset no matter how ugly seems to actually be healthier then trying to "save the spouses feelings" thanks for sharing!!
 
#84 ·
Mine didn’t confess. I had to drag it out of her over a long 6 month period. The issue I had, is whom she had the PA with I had evidence of. So by the time she confessed, the damage was done. That started the TT. It gets bad when I’m on revision 4 of her timeline and it’s nearly 40 pages long.

Even worse, I still didn’t feel I had everything and continued to push. Another 8 months later she admitted the second PA. While I appreciate her finally admitting it, that was a shallow victory since I’d long ago decided to trust my gut that there were more. So it just confirmed my gut was more trustworthy rather than my perception of her as anything ‘honest’ for confessing. There are more bodies, my gut hasn’t been wrong yet.

She won’t recover my perception of her after that. She is a liar. She will always be a liar and not fully trusted.
 
#85 ·
Mine didn’t confess. I had to drag it out of her over a long 6 month period. The issue I had, is whom she had the PA with I had evidence of. So by the time she confessed, the damage was done. That started the TT. It gets bad when I’m on revision 4 of her timeline and it’s nearly 40 pages long.

Even worse, I still didn’t feel I had everything and continued to push. Another 8 months later she admitted the second PA. While I appreciate her finally admitting it, that was a shallow victory since I’d long ago decided to trust my gut that there were more. So it just confirmed my gut was more trustworthy rather than my perception of her as anything ‘honest’ for confessing. There are more bodies, my gut hasn’t been wrong yet.

She won’t recover my perception of her after that. She is a liar. She will always be a liar and not fully trusted.
Trickle truthing is like setting off time bombs in your relationship. They just keep going off until they do so much damage that full recovery is impossible.
 
#86 ·
I just had this very conversation with my WH yesterday... Told him the thing that hurts me the most, was that after being given SO many opportunities to talk about what was going on with him, and all the denials, truth by omission, semantics with the word "affair" .... catching him in the lies and forcing a confession out of him after I discovered proof of at least one EA that I believe may have gone PA.. What hurts the most is that he CHOSE NOT to be honest and open with me when I was so badly wanting the truth to understand what had happened...It's the deceit and lies that are the salt in the gunshot wound you took to the back... I have to now question if this is part of his character or was it situational (good guy made bad decision...) I told him outright that I do not trust him and never will in the same way I did... every TT brings a new D day.... I could have been a lot farther along in my recovery if only he had showed some strength and had the balls to come clean at the beginning.....
 
#87 ·
I just had this very conversation with my WH yesterday... Told him the thing that hurts me the most, was that after being given SO many opportunities to talk about what was going on with him, and all the denials, truth by omission, semantics with the word "affair" .... catching him in the lies and forcing a confession out of him after I discovered proof of at least one EA that I believe may have gone PA.. What hurts the most is that he CHOSE NOT to be honest and open with me when I was so badly wanting the truth to understand what had happened...It's the deceit and lies that are the salt in the gunshot wound you took to the back... I have to now question if this is part of his character or was it situational (good guy made bad decision...) I told him outright that I do not trust him and never will in the same way I did... every TT brings a new D day.... I could have been a lot farther along in my recovery if only he had showed some strength and had the balls to come clean at the beginning.....
Absolutely an awful feeling...
 
#88 ·
I just finished "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Infidelity" and my WH is now reading it.

As it is a manual it's pretty short and to the point. it gives the betrayers 15 steps to take to successfully rebuild their relationship.
Unlike Paladin's WS, most of them miss steps 1 & 2, which are confessing first, before getting caught and, getting all the info and details out there immediately instead of trickle-truthing it, and my WH was no exception.

I wanted him to see how common this is and maybe some more insight into what I was feeling due to his actions during and after his EA, which also included the things he has done right, starting with step 3, after finally getting past 1 &2.
 
#93 ·
Hey I eat almost an all fat diet and my heart disease indicators have never been better.

Paleo baby.

Oh and there are few people more screwed up than those in the mental health industry.
 
#94 ·
Hmmm.....the first affair hubby had 20 years ago, he came to me...and confessed (I had NO clue it was going on), his recent affair he did not come to me, I slowly started putting together the pieces...and even when I confronted him, he lied and made it out to be much less than it actually was. The truth slowly came out, after more digging on my part. I have found that I was able to let the anger and resentments go much easier after affair number one. This one....is driving me over the edge....
 
#96 ·
Being Told is less hellish than actually catching them

Catching them tho - does kinda make it a concrete in your face no dissillusionment that it is going on

BUT - I made it very clear before we became exclusive and eventually married that it was a Deal Breaker period. Have enough respect for me to get out before you cheat.

Either way...caught or told......Hasta La Vista Baby
 
#97 ·
Being Told is less hellish than actually catching them

Catching them tho - does kinda make it a concrete in your face no dissillusionment that it is going on

BUT - I made it very clear before we became exclusive and eventually married that it was a Deal Breaker period. Have enough respect for me to get out before you cheat.

Either way...caught or told......Hasta La Vista Baby
It shows at least a shred of conscious and remorse...
 
#100 ·
Depends on who you ask I spose.

You mean like throwing away the bess thing that ever happened or ever will happen to her? Yup, she has that issue.

Not like I'm looking for remorse, but we've got two kids and she expects us to be "friends" now. Like she really phucking thinks I'm gonna hang out with her or something.

BLECH.

I still think she had a personality crisis (some might call it mid life but I don't think she old enough, this all happened when she was 38).

Identity crisis.
 
#101 ·
Depends on who you ask I spose.

You mean like throwing away the bess thing that ever happened or ever will happen to her? Yup, she has that issue.

Not like I'm looking for remorse, but we've got two kids and she expects us to be "friends" now. Like she really phucking thinks I'm gonna hang out with her or something.

BLECH.

I still think she had a personality crisis (some might call it mid life but I don't think she old enough, this all happened when she was 38).

Identity crisis.
Civil - sure - friends - HELL NO
 
#102 ·
I find it amazing that the cheaters seem to usually have one of two plans in mind when/ if they get caught. They will either walk away to the lovely new life that they have started with the AP, D the BS and be friends during the raising of the child(ren) and long after (yeah, nice pipe dream), or they will just move on like nothing happened and maintain the status quo, all the while maintaining that they did nothing wrong and it was all the BS's fault and the reason that they cheated and D in the first place (justification and blame shifting). None ever seem to think that they are hurting anyone in the process and everything will turn out rosy for all parties involved (including the child/ children).
 
#103 ·
True, during the first EA my deluded WH thought about moving across the country to be with the OW ,he had never actually met, and sending for our two boys , at that time age 4 & 11, for the summers. He really thought that would be an option. Um...no! Never happened, so he went the other route. I made him unhappy, I neglected him, I tried to give him too little too late when I found out. It took a while for him to realize only HE was responsible for his unhappy state, something he had decided to foster once he got entangled with the B$%&#.
 
#105 ·
Interesting Miss. My dday was August 5 2012.

I'm not expecting anything like what you got.

I think the hardest part was watching my wife fall in love with another man. Oh she denied it, but every day I would come home from work and she would be more and more giddy, unable to contain it.

"Love", yeah right. Dopamine.

She denied the physical part for ever, I watched the EA as it developed, she even involved my children. They looked up to the guy cause she'd bring them to his house every day.

She has no idea what she's done.
 
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