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To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

13K views 105 replies 34 participants last post by  Truthseeker1 
#1 ·
This is a question for BSs - did the way you found out effect your decision to divorce or reconcile? If your spouse confesses versus you catching them - did it effect your next moves? I'm really curious to hear your insights....
 
#2 · (Edited)
Yes, it matters immensely. A WS who confesses is showing remorse, regret, and concern for the BS from the start. Even a WS who comes clean once caught is showing potential.

Every WS should realize: when you’ve betrayed, in the worst-possible way, the one you are commissioned to honor and protect, the ONLY currency you have at that point is honesty. You better spend it wisely and with abandon.

I caught my wife in the process of going to meet her lover at a business meeting. I reconciled with her based on lies. Eighteen months into our reconciliation, I finally discovered the truth that she’d been involved in a prior two-year affair with him, and the business meeting was her returning to him.

Something in me has died. I have no desire to have any emotional connection with another human being beyond what it takes to retain golf and fishing partners. I don’t leave her because I think it’s fitting that she live with the corpse. If she can’t take it and leaves, I couldn’t possibly care less.

Yes, it matters. A lot. The way a WS responds to their betrayal reveals what kind of person they are. Some are worth redemption, others aren’t worth the time it takes to brush the dust from your feet.
 
#4 ·
Yes, it matters immensely. A WS who confesses is showing remorse, regret, and concern for the BS from the start. Even a WS who comes clean once caught is showing potential.

Every WS should realize: when you’ve betrayed, in the worst-possible way, the one you are commissioned to honor and protect, the ONLY currency you have at that point is honesty. You better spend it wisely and with abandon.

I caught my wife in the process of going to meet her lover at a business meeting. I reconciled with her based on lies. Eighteen months into our reconciliation, I finally discovered the truth that she’d been involved in a prior two-year affair with him, and I just caught her returning to him once again.

Something in me has died. I have no desire to have any emotional connection with another human being beyond what it takes to retain golf and fishing partners. I don’t leave her because I think it’s fitting that she live with the corpse. If she can’t take it and leaves, I couldn’t possibly care less.

Yes, it matters. A lot. The way a WS responds to their betrayal reveals what kind of person they are. Some are worth redemption, others aren’t worth the time it takes to brush the dust from your feet.
You should leave her for you man - you only get one life to live - you will spend enough time being a corpse without starting early....
 
#3 ·
I've never had a confession so I can only speculate... I think for me a confession would take away some of the doubts about what is being rugswept, make it a little easier to believe the WS is showing true remorse and focus on whether the relationship can be rebuilt. With catching and receiving trickle truth, I think it increases the level of nagging doubts about what you haven't been told and whether the WS is sorry for the affair or just sorry he/she got caught. And I am sure with a confession it's still an excruciating experience that is very difficult to attempt to rebuild from.
 
#6 ·
Depends. My ex never admitted to anything until he knew that I had irrefutable proof. He had also cheated more than once. So, when I found out, I lost all trust and respect for him. I definitely wasn't staying in a relationship with no respect or trust.

If both the frequency of the cheating and the way I found out had been different, there's a chance I would have considered staying in the relationship. If he cheated once instead of multiple times, then immediately confessed and took full responsibility and accountability for his decision, there is a slight chance I would have remained in the relationship.

My reasoning is that generally honest, trustworthy people can sometimes make really bad decisions. No one is infallible. So I believe in second chances under certain circumstances. However, I do not believe in third chances. If it happened more than once, I'd be done without question whether my partner confessed or not. You can't truly regret something and then do it again.
 
#19 ·
My reasoning is that generally honest, trustworthy people can sometimes make really bad decisions. No one is infallible. So I believe in second chances under certain circumstances. However, I do not believe in third chances. If it happened more than once, I'd be done without question whether my partner confessed or not. You can't truly regret something and then do it again.
Exactly my views. If they're at the third chance, you're looking at a serial cheater. They won't change, or at least not with you. Out with them.
 
#7 ·
A pre-emptive confession would have been nice, but, given how the trickle truth came out after I caught him, again, who knows if it would have been the whole truth anyway.

Maybe it would have been because he knew it was going to come out, maybe it IS the whole truth, how would you know, since he would be telling me he had been deceiving me for all that time anyway.

It may have made it a little better, but, in the end, I would still have doubts about what happened, and what might happen in the future.
 
#9 ·
No it didn't. She didn't exactly "confess" though I never caught her "in the act". I forced a confession out of her because I knew intuitively that something was going on.

I tried to R with her but the lack of remorse made it impossible. That and she wanted to continue keeping secrets, which is entirely unmanageable.

When the destruction of the family unit is at stake irrationality is nearly unavoidable.

I wish I had kicked her out the instant I found out.
 
#10 ·
For me it matters very little.

The betraying and everything it means is still the same. The lack of love and respect for the betrayed, the marriage, the family, the kids... is all the same.

The total and permanent loss of trust & faith is still the same.

I mean, I suppose a case can be made it is better to get a cold confession rather than finding out differently, but so what? The damage has already been done.

Also, just because someone confesses doesn't necessarily mean they have a lot of remorse and want to work things out.

No, no, for me it doesn't make much of a difference.

A betrayer and a betrayal is the same no matter how one finds out (although I can appreciate opposing opinions).
 
#11 ·
From what the stories here convey, while confession helps, it is nearly always followed by enough trickle truth to negate the confession. The confession is talked about like this: "Well, at least he confessed" as though it were a consolation prize.

It is definitely better than more covert deception. But it rarely indicates the end of overt deception. No matter how you slice it, the TT is what continues to sting long after. TT keeps the pain and in a sense, the ghost of the affair alive for both the cheater and the BS. And the WS is still deluded enough to believe they derive benefit from it.

I also agree that confession doesn't necessarily indicate remorse. It takes a long time and a lot of consistent, honest behaviour to figure out if you are still being played.
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#13 ·
My horrible stbxw left me seemingly out of the blue on my daughter's birthday, then wanted to come back, then didn't, then did...I finally said no, it's over. It wasn't until 4 days later, via text, that I asked her "Ok, be honest with me, I deserve to know, is there another man in your life?".

Her response was priceless:

Her: "I feel like I'm being trapped"
Me: "Come on, be honest. I need to know".
Her: "Does it matter? Really??"
Me: "Yes. Tell me".
Her: "oh God, there was. It was over as soon as it began. Please don't freak out".

Laugh the F*CK out loud. "Does it matter? Really??"

If ever I start to feel any warmth or kindness toward her, I just remember that. And then hating her comes naturally.

As to the question, not really. She spreads for another guy, it's over, no matter what the circumstances.

But what she did was particularly loathsome. Her friend that knew of the affair urged her to tell me, saying I'd wonder what happened and would eventually find out. She refused. Cowardly, horrid beast of a woman. She was just going to let me twist in the wind, wondering wtf happened.

Also, it went on for months and months...it wasn't "over before it began".

Ahhhhh, morning trigger.
 
#14 ·
I might give it another chance if he confessed by himself, without being asked anything. Having had to catch him, find secret messages or having been informed by others...his chances for R are very slim to none.
Sure the betrayal remains a betrayal, but a confessing cheater indicates that if they are telling you, they are ready to end the affair and recommit to marriage. That they are remorseful. Something to work with.
Unless the confessing sounds like : "I love X and I want a divorce." I'd show them the door in this case.
 
#18 ·
I might give it another chance if he confessed by himself, without being asked anything. Having had to catch him, find secret messages or having been informed by others...his chances for R are very slim to none.
Sure the betrayal remains a betrayal, but a confessing cheater indicates that if they are telling you, they are ready to end the affair and recommit to marriage. That they are remorseful. Something to work with.
Unless the confessing sounds like : "I love X and I want a divorce." I'd show them the door in this case.
Great point..i wonder about people who reconcile after catching a spouse and forcing an end to the affair - if you didn't catch them and they would not have ended it on their own - how does effect the reconciliation?
 
#16 ·
It would have mattered to me. Significantly so. Having to catch her lying was another knife to the gut. Her head games were as bad as the cheating I guess lying goes with cheating most often.

The problem was a complete loss of credibility and no way to rebuild trust when it was discovered. At least for me. Then Again she was not remorseful at all. Not until after she blew her settlement from the divorce and had to get a job. Her tune has changed now but I really don't care anymore and feel relieved to be rid of her.
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#20 ·
My ex has tried to use the fact of her "confession" as "defence" for her subsequent trickle truth - which may, or may not, be continuing - but I no longer care.

Her "confession" consisted of an admission of a one sided EA (before I even knew there was such a thing). Everything else flowed from that - including her subsequent further "confession" about 3 months later that they had "just kissed".

From those 2 statements I slowly unpicked everything - figured it all out and pieced an enormous, filthy, depraved, jigsaw together when the only picture was my knowledge of her personality and what she would do in each circumstance.

It was my digging that inadvertently ended the affair as I went to confront the OM (she denied it was him and at that point I had no idea that it had been physical).

She might have said nothing, but she had left so much evidence that discovery was inevitable and at that point both me and our kids had serious suspicions.

My point in all of this, is that her confession was half assed and only pre-empted the inevitable and so it was ultimately worthless.
 
#21 ·
My ex has tried to use the fact of her "confession" as "defence" for her subsequent trickle truth - which may, or may not, be continuing - but I no longer care.

Her "confession" consisted of an admission of a one sided EA (before I even knew there was such a thing). Everything else flowed from that - including her subsequent further "confession" about 3 months later that they had "just kissed".

From those 2 statements I slowly unpicked everything - figured it all out and pieced an enormous, filthy, depraved, jigsaw together when the only picture was my knowledge of her personality and what she would do in each circumstance.

It was my digging that inadvertently ended the affair as I went to confront the OM (she denied it was him and at that point I had no idea that it had been physical).

She might have said nothing, but she had left so much evidence that discovery was inevitable and at that point both me and our kids had serious suspicions.

My point in all of this, is that her confession was half assed and only pre-empted the inevitable and so it was ultimately worthless.
Perhaps I should have rephrased the question and used the term "full and complete confession" - trickle truthing and having the BS continue to dig for the truth is like getting caught as well....
 
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#22 ·
Well, my wife confessed completely unprompted and caught me by total surprise. Had I caught her, yes, I think it would have been worse.

A little background, she was feeling bad about herself and went back to school. I knew something was wrong, I could sense her pulling away. I did not know what to do and hoped she would snap out of it. This went on for several weeks until one night in bed I asked her what was wrong. We expressed our love for each other, had great make-up sex and all seemed great. She then told me there had been another man. I assured her it would be OK. Things seemed good for the next couple of weeks. She offered to answer anything I asked. I was pretty naive on what went on, my wife tends to over dramatize things so in my mind she maybe had a bit of a crush or even did lunch with this guy. One day on the way home from work I had a bit of a panic attack about a PA. That evening a bit embarrassed to even ask such a question that would insinuate that she was a Wh*** I did ask did you have sex with him? She hesitated for a minute and then said yes, one time. The fact that it went PA, I have never got over.

Had I caught her instead of a confession, it would probably be over now.
I would think catching them - always leaves you with the doubt of their desire to end the affair on their own...
 
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#24 ·
Stabbed in the front, or back.. either way... you've been stabbed. I suppose the front might appear more noble, but it's still a dagger in your heart.

I'd be more concerned with what happens after discovery than what the method of discovery was.. Reason being, the motive for confession could be totally selfish, to rid themselves of guilt. To minimize the extent of it. Fear of being exposed by a third party, etc..
 
#26 ·
Stabbed in the front, or back.. either way... you've been stabbed. I suppose the front might appear more noble, but it's still a dagger in your heart.

I'd be more concerned with what happens after discovery than what the method of discovery was.. Reason being, the motive for confession could be totally selfish, to rid themselves of guilt. To minimize the extent of it. Fear of being exposed by a third party, etc..
:iagree: that is a good point but I think if a remorseful spouse spills it in a desire to repair the marriage - it might be helpful in the long run - but you are right either way you got stabbed...
 
#25 ·
After having been cheated on by my two serious LTR GFs and then my wife of 15 years I can honestly say that it doesn't matter how I find out ever again. I will never be able to stay with a cheater, ever.

Boy that was a hard lesson to learn.
 
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#27 ·
I think that a confession from a truly remorseful spouse; who's BS suspected nothing; who only confessed due to their remorse - is as rare as hen's teeth.

I would think that almost all confessions are due to either:

- The WS thinking they are about to get caught.

- The WS actually being caught.

- The WS wanting to exit the marriage to be with the AP.


So, when I hear the word "confession"; I take it with a grain of salt.
 
#28 ·
I think we need to consider the motive for confessing.

Did they confess because they broke up with their AP and their AP threatened to tell you?

Did they confess because they were beginning to fear that you were getting closer to finding out, and figured it would make them "look good" if they came 'clean' before you found out on your own?

Did they confess because they figured it happened so long ago that it wouldn't 'bother' you anymore?

Did they confess so THEY feel relief from their own guilt while denying that guilt?

Did they confess so they can run off with their AP?

Or did they confess because they KNEW they did something wrong, are remorseful, apologetic, wanted to make amends and reconcile?

Sorry Badmemory! Looks like we cross-posted!

Vega
 
#30 ·
The last two posts of Vega and Badmemory bring up a great point - is the WS simply a lying manipulator and even the confession is used to further their goals....
 
#34 ·
I actually asked my ex why he told me. He said,...

....wait for it....


"I wanted to be HONEST with you."


:confused:

:lol: :rofl:


Gee dude...why weren't you "honest" with me 2 weeks earlier? And why be "honest" NOW?

Sheesh.

Vega
I'd love to hear his definition of honesty...:slap:
 
#33 ·
That's the funniest thing after they get caught.. any time they say "honestly" or "I'm telling the truth" or "you don't believe me?"

Uh.. no?

I bet most confessions fall into a couple categories:

1. Afraid that someone is about to out them.

2. Guilt and shame are too much for them, they want to dump it on the BS.


I doubt it's ever:

I really feel so horrible about what I've done, I want to give my spouse the chance to leave me and find someone that would be faithful to them and honor and respect them.
 
#36 ·
LOL, My STBXH confessed, but only after I asked, and he lied about most of the confession, and the one after that, and the one after that, .....you get the idea. While it is the lesser of two evils if they confess instead of getting caught, it's still evil.
 
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#37 ·
LOL, My STBXH confessed, but only after I asked, and he lied about most of the confession, and the one after that, and the one after that, .....you get the idea. While it is the lesser of two evils if they confess instead of getting caught, it's still evil.
:iagree::iagree::iagree: Cheating is evil...the amount of permanent damage done to the BS, the kids, etc is mind boggling...
 
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