To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-28-2013, 08:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

This is a question for BSs - did the way you found out effect your decision to divorce or reconcile? If your spouse confesses versus you catching them - did it effect your next moves? I'm really curious to hear your insights....
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

Yes, it matters immensely. A WS who confesses is showing remorse, regret, and concern for the BS from the start. Even a WS who comes clean once caught is showing potential.

Every WS should realize: when you’ve betrayed, in the worst-possible way, the one you are commissioned to honor and protect, the ONLY currency you have at that point is honesty. You better spend it wisely and with abandon.

I caught my wife in the process of going to meet her lover at a business meeting. I reconciled with her based on lies. Eighteen months into our reconciliation, I finally discovered the truth that she’d been involved in a prior two-year affair with him, and the business meeting was her returning to him.

Something in me has died. I have no desire to have any emotional connection with another human being beyond what it takes to retain golf and fishing partners. I don’t leave her because I think it’s fitting that she live with the corpse. If she can’t take it and leaves, I couldn’t possibly care less.

Yes, it matters. A lot. The way a WS responds to their betrayal reveals what kind of person they are. Some are worth redemption, others aren’t worth the time it takes to brush the dust from your feet.

Last edited by JustGrinding; 08-28-2013 at 12:17 PM.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

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Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
This is a question for BSs - did the way you found out effect your decision to divorce or reconcile? If your spouse confesses versus you catching them - did it effect your next moves? I'm really curious to hear your insights....
I've never had a confession so I can only speculate... I think for me a confession would take away some of the doubts about what is being rugswept, make it a little easier to believe the WS is showing true remorse and focus on whether the relationship can be rebuilt. With catching and receiving trickle truth, I think it increases the level of nagging doubts about what you haven't been told and whether the WS is sorry for the affair or just sorry he/she got caught. And I am sure with a confession it's still an excruciating experience that is very difficult to attempt to rebuild from.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

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Yes, it matters immensely. A WS who confesses is showing remorse, regret, and concern for the BS from the start. Even a WS who comes clean once caught is showing potential.

Every WS should realize: when youíve betrayed, in the worst-possible way, the one you are commissioned to honor and protect, the ONLY currency you have at that point is honesty. You better spend it wisely and with abandon.

I caught my wife in the process of going to meet her lover at a business meeting. I reconciled with her based on lies. Eighteen months into our reconciliation, I finally discovered the truth that sheíd been involved in a prior two-year affair with him, and I just caught her returning to him once again.

Something in me has died. I have no desire to have any emotional connection with another human being beyond what it takes to retain golf and fishing partners. I donít leave her because I think itís fitting that she live with the corpse. If she canít take it and leaves, I couldnít possibly care less.

Yes, it matters. A lot. The way a WS responds to their betrayal reveals what kind of person they are. Some are worth redemption, others arenít worth the time it takes to brush the dust from your feet.
You should leave her for you man - you only get one life to live - you will spend enough time being a corpse without starting early....
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

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Yes, it matters immensely. A WS who confesses is showing remorse, regret, and concern for the BS from the start. Even a WS who comes clean once caught is showing potential.
I don't agree. My ex confessed and showed absolutely NO REMORSE and NO REGRET, and NO concern for me. The reason he confessed was because he wanted to be with his AP.

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Old 08-28-2013, 08:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

Depends. My ex never admitted to anything until he knew that I had irrefutable proof. He had also cheated more than once. So, when I found out, I lost all trust and respect for him. I definitely wasn't staying in a relationship with no respect or trust.

If both the frequency of the cheating and the way I found out had been different, there's a chance I would have considered staying in the relationship. If he cheated once instead of multiple times, then immediately confessed and took full responsibility and accountability for his decision, there is a slight chance I would have remained in the relationship.

My reasoning is that generally honest, trustworthy people can sometimes make really bad decisions. No one is infallible. So I believe in second chances under certain circumstances. However, I do not believe in third chances. If it happened more than once, I'd be done without question whether my partner confessed or not. You can't truly regret something and then do it again.
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Old 08-28-2013, 08:51 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

A pre-emptive confession would have been nice, but, given how the trickle truth came out after I caught him, again, who knows if it would have been the whole truth anyway.

Maybe it would have been because he knew it was going to come out, maybe it IS the whole truth, how would you know, since he would be telling me he had been deceiving me for all that time anyway.

It may have made it a little better, but, in the end, I would still have doubts about what happened, and what might happen in the future.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

Speaking for myself, I think that had my H had been the one to confess it would have demonstrated to me that he felt true remorse for what he did.

Instead, I have had to drag every bit of information that he has given me, out of him.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

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This is a question for BSs - did the way you found out effect your decision to divorce or reconcile? If your spouse confesses versus you catching them - did it effect your next moves? I'm really curious to hear your insights....
No it didn't. She didn't exactly "confess" though I never caught her "in the act". I forced a confession out of her because I knew intuitively that something was going on.

I tried to R with her but the lack of remorse made it impossible. That and she wanted to continue keeping secrets, which is entirely unmanageable.

When the destruction of the family unit is at stake irrationality is nearly unavoidable.

I wish I had kicked her out the instant I found out.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

For me it matters very little.

The betraying and everything it means is still the same. The lack of love and respect for the betrayed, the marriage, the family, the kids... is all the same.

The total and permanent loss of trust & faith is still the same.

I mean, I suppose a case can be made it is better to get a cold confession rather than finding out differently, but so what? The damage has already been done.

Also, just because someone confesses doesn't necessarily mean they have a lot of remorse and want to work things out.

No, no, for me it doesn't make much of a difference.

A betrayer and a betrayal is the same no matter how one finds out (although I can appreciate opposing opinions).
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:13 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

From what the stories here convey, while confession helps, it is nearly always followed by enough trickle truth to negate the confession. The confession is talked about like this: "Well, at least [s]he confessed" as though it were a consolation prize.

It is definitely better than more covert deception. But it rarely indicates the end of overt deception. No matter how you slice it, the TT is what continues to sting long after. TT keeps the pain and in a sense, the ghost of the affair alive for both the cheater and the BS. And the WS is still deluded enough to believe they derive benefit from it.

I also agree that confession doesn't necessarily indicate remorse. It takes a long time and a lot of consistent, honest behaviour to figure out if you are still being played.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

If they confessed because of pressure - then that is not a confession they would have offered without you pushing them - to me that is almost the same thing as getting caught isn't it?
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

My horrible stbxw left me seemingly out of the blue on my daughter's birthday, then wanted to come back, then didn't, then did...I finally said no, it's over. It wasn't until 4 days later, via text, that I asked her "Ok, be honest with me, I deserve to know, is there another man in your life?".

Her response was priceless:

Her: "I feel like I'm being trapped"
Me: "Come on, be honest. I need to know".
Her: "Does it matter? Really??"
Me: "Yes. Tell me".
Her: "oh God, there was. It was over as soon as it began. Please don't freak out".

Laugh the F*CK out loud. "Does it matter? Really??"

If ever I start to feel any warmth or kindness toward her, I just remember that. And then hating her comes naturally.

As to the question, not really. She spreads for another guy, it's over, no matter what the circumstances.

But what she did was particularly loathsome. Her friend that knew of the affair urged her to tell me, saying I'd wonder what happened and would eventually find out. She refused. Cowardly, horrid beast of a woman. She was just going to let me twist in the wind, wondering wtf happened.

Also, it went on for months and months...it wasn't "over before it began".

Ahhhhh, morning trigger.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

I might give it another chance if he confessed by himself, without being asked anything. Having had to catch him, find secret messages or having been informed by others...his chances for R are very slim to none.
Sure the betrayal remains a betrayal, but a confessing cheater indicates that if they are telling you, they are ready to end the affair and recommit to marriage. That they are remorseful. Something to work with.
Unless the confessing sounds like : "I love X and I want a divorce." I'd show them the door in this case.
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Old 08-28-2013, 09:22 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: To the BS: does it matter how you found out? Confession or Caught

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If they confessed because of pressure - then that is not a confession they would have offered without you pushing them - to me that is almost the same thing as getting caught isn't it?
There's an old saying that says, "It is always better to be shot in the front than in the back". However, either way the bullet meant for you went thru your heart and killed you. So does it really matter how you got murdered?
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