Tales of a Walk Away and Come Back Again Wife
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-28-2013, 09:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Tales of a Walk Away and Come Back Again Wife

Hello all. Like others, I've lurked here for quite some time. Gotten some fantastic advice second hand from the posts of others. Guess it's finally time to tell my tale and get the advice I so desperately need. Trust you all to be honest and frank. You will be the first people to hear my whole story. That fact makes my palms sweat and my heart race. Anyway, here goes...

Married my husband young. We had been bf/gf on and off for several years before I got pregnant. His parents pushed him into marriage at 18. I was 16. He confessed about 4 years ago that he felt pressured into it, to "do the right thing".

We had our first child and 14 months later had another. Neither were planned but both were honored, cherished and adored. Even as children ourselves, we made the conscious and adult decision for me to be a SAHM.

Naturally, our marriage had ups and downs. Good times and bad times. I always felt we had an honest, genuine love and we were best friends. We've been married 22 years now and together almost 30. Our daughters are now grown and making their own way in the world. Successfully, I might add.

Being married and having 2 children so young did cause hardships. We moved frequently and basically lived paycheck to paycheck. The stress caused numerous arguments and some physical assaults. Some initiated by him, some by me.

His "confessions" began around our 10th - 12th years of marriage. We would get a bit of a buzz and start talking about things in the past. Guess I'll start at the beginning, when I knew in my heart and gut something wasn't right.

When pregnant with our 2nd, I had to live with my parents for a while with our oldest who was a year old. He lived in a house with a co-worker and two female roommates. One Sunday, he was visiting us at my parents. He stayed seated in the chair beside the phone. It rang, he answered and had a few word conversation with the person on the other end. After some prodding, I got him to tell me that it was the 17 year old girl who was a roommate in the house. He said that she had just taken a pregnancy test and it was negative. She had called him to let him know because they had become friends, "she was like a sister to him" and he was concerned since he knew how hard having a baby was when you are young. He said her bf was a POS.

Red flags were flying but I was na´ve and trusting. When he was at his house, I called a few times and she answered. One time, he admitted to laying in the bed with her, "just watching tv". That set me off and I had a fit. There were numerous other things about his time there that concerned me greatly. In hindsight, I should have known.

During his "confessions", he admitted to performing oral sex on her. Claimed it was the other female roommate's fault because they were all watching porn together and she said she wanted to watch them. He claims that the 17 year old came into his bedroom one night after he'd been drinking and threw herself at him. He performed oral on her to completion but they did nothing else. He also told me particulars about her body and what he liked about it. He said she talked dirty during the act and it turned him on a lot.

He also went to strip clubs numerous times, behind my back and bold-faced lied about it. I remember one time particularly, when pregnant with my 2nd, he was drawing plans because he wanted to open a strip club. We were laying in bed and he was rocking me. I questioned him about it. Couldn't understand why he'd want to open one if he'd never been to one. He held me tight and swore that he would never go to one, never had and would never do anything like that to me. Stupidly, I believed him again even though my guts said otherwise. Turns out, every time I would go visit my parents, he would visit strip clubs with his buddies.

There is a question of an indiscretion with my sister. Both adamantly deny. He's never confessed about anything with her, probably because he knows that would end it permanently.

During his "confessions", he admitted to going with my older brother looking for prostitutes. He claims they ended up at a jack-shack/lingerie place. They both chose a girl and went to the rooms. He says she gave him some lotion and tissues and sat him in a chair. Then turned on music and began dancing. He asked her about more because he didn't want to do it himself. She said for the right $.... He claims that turned him off and during the 2nd song, my brother opened the door and said essentially, let's get out of here, she wants me to do it myself.

He admitted to a ONS with a mutual friend. This was during a time when we were separated, at about year 5 of our marriage.

He admitted to dancing with other girls and getting phone numbers. He claims he had an opportunity to be with 2 girls early in our marriage but backed out at the last minute because of me. When he went to another state to look for work/housing for us to move, he lived with a male and 2 (female) bi-sexual lovers. The 3 of them (my H and the 2 girls) took a several day long trip. He states he begged them to let him watch but they wouldn't do more than kiss in front of him.

There are other indiscretions but I'm not recalling them at the moment. Thankfully.

Basically, he "admitted" these things but in every single instance he was never at fault. It was always someone else's fault or mine. For example, the almost 3some was because we had had a fight and I went to spend the night with my parents to cool off. The incident with my brother was out of his control because he wasn't driving. Etc., etc., etc.

After soaking in the confessions, I began to ask questions and put the puzzle pieces together. Throughout our whole marriage, when my gut instincts told me something was wrong, he told me I was crazy, paranoid, gas lighted, blame shifted, etc., etc., etc. His stories changed, too. When confronted with the discrepancies, he lied some more or claimed to not remember or even just flat out said he didn't know why he lied.

After confessing about the 17 year old (he was 20), the next morning after sobering up, I was crying in the shower. He heard me and came in. Asked what was wrong. I told him that I felt differently about him and was hurt. He yelled, told me he would never discuss any of those things again and would not be punished for being honest or for his past. He said he was just a kid that needed to sow his wild oats and had gotten married too young. He constantly claimed to be changed and hadn't done anything with anyone else for years.

All his incidents from that day forward were rug-swept. Any time I felt the need to discuss, he became angry to the point of ridiculousness. Basically told me to shut up and get over it or our marriage was over, that he was a good guy now.

This all changed me. I became hyper-sexual and did everything imaginable to ensure he would never feel the need for anyone but me again. This resulted in us opening up to each other, discussing fantasies, going to strip clubs, even discussing a MFF threesome. This behavior continued for about 5 years. We bonded. We had a wonderful marriage and fantastic sex life. Then slowly, around year 15 of our marriage, his desire started to wane and things went downhill. In hindsight, I believe it started when I admitted that the threesome idea wasn't something I actually wanted to do and was best as a fantasy.

He stopped wanting to discuss fantasies. We stopped watching porn together. Sex went to 1-2 times per week, always on the weekends and always under his conditions. This brought up the past indiscretions for me (triggers) and I became highly insecure. Tried everything: seduction, lingerie, dirty talk/messages, initiating hard core, teasing... Nothing worked. He claimed he was tired from work, had too much stress, was getting older (he was about 32-33 at the time this started), etc., etc., etc.

I endured and tried talking to him. About everything. Any mention of my fears, triggers and the past set him off and pushed him further away. Sex on the weekends became duty sex. I was merely an object for his release and could sense it. Any questions about what could be done to spice things up, help him, increase his libido were met with, "I don't have a problem and am just fine with how things are. Why do you insist on starting a fight?" He was right, any discussion of anything of a sexual nature ended up in a huge fight, hurt feelings and ugly words being said.

After a few years of this, I unintentionally began disengaging. Had to satisfy myself which became so tiresome and pathetic that I would cry afterwards. He would watch tv knowing what I was doing. I would ask him to come to bed for some fun and he would sit on the couch until the wee hours of the morning. Both of us shut down and shut each other out. After a few years of this, I told him something had to change or I would leave. Every time I attempted conversation about our relationship, he hit the roof or sat stone-cold, unemotional and uninvolved. No discussions.

Unfortunately, by this time, I was at a rock-bottom with my self-esteem. Had a revenge ONS with a co-worker. Horrible, horrible, horrible. There is no excuse. None. I am ashamed and humiliated. Always will be. About 6 weeks after, I confessed. H kicked me out. 2 weeks after he kicked me out, he visited an Asian massage parlor for the full works. I did not find this out until we reconciled.

This will be continued...
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Forgot to mention, before my ONS and after several years of attempting everything known to man, including counseling which he adamantly refused, I moved out. Left. Got my own little house with our girls who were in high school. We were separated about 3 months and then began talking again. Agreed to work on the problems in our relationship. Started dating and having sex again. Things seemed to be going well. Moved back in with him after 5 months of separation. He admitted to going to a strip club once during that time.

Shortly after returning is when things slipped back into the same old routine. His desire shut off except for when he needed the physical release. It was about 18 months of this and continuous effort on my part that my ONS happened. As I said before, there is no excuse for my behavior. I can guarantee it was my first and only infidelity and will NEVER happen again. The hurt he endured was unbearable for me. Unfortunately, I knew all too well what he was experiencing.

After living apart for a couple of months, he began asking questions and demanding answers. He got everything he wanted. I answered everything, even the tough stuff. I was an open book and showed the true remorse I'd always wished from him. He helped me, I helped him. We tried to salvage our marriage and eventually moved back in together. Our sex life was timid and shy. Understandably. He had triggers and anger. I did my best to help him through.

2 months after moving in, we were having dinner at the bar of our favorite restaurant. The discussion amongst the patrons turned to massages. Knowing him like I do, watching him squirm and be very uncomfortable, I knew immediately and said to him that I knew. He lost his cool. Wanted to know who told. I just knew, even before. It was something he'd admitted to fantasizing about. He was extremely angry and said lots of terrible, hurtful things. Wanted me to leave. I refused and held on for dear life. He did it to get back at me for my revenge ONS. Sheesh, the circles...

Things between us went south again and no amount of effort or attempt of civil discussions changed things. At the beginning of June, I informed him that we needed help. He again (constantly) adamantly refused counseling. All of our problems were with me. I always wanted to fight. He was good to me. Tried to make me happy, tried to be a good husband.

In truth, he wasn't horrible. He speaks to me sweetly and would surprise me with gifts. Bought me flowers, would take me to dinner when I didn't feel like cooking. But there was nothing besides being roommates in our relationship. We only discussed our children, his hobbies and his wants for the future. Anytime I attempted to discuss my interests, desires or wants ended up in an interruption and conversation shift back to him. I begged, pleaded, cried, everything for resolution to our communication and intimacy difficulties. He stone walled.

One June 15th, after being denied after initiating again as well as denied any discussion of it, I spent my morning crying on the back porch alone. Alone. I'd felt alone for years and years and had spent almost every weekend morning crying out there. Pulling the wagon of our marriage by myself. Wiped my face off, came back in the house, approached him and gave him an ultimatum: either we begin MC immediately or I was leaving.
He told me to fix myself or he was leaving. That he was tired of being with someone that constantly made him feel inferior and terrible. Sex with me was something he dreaded because it took me so long to O.

I left. Moved in with a female co-worker and began IC. We spent our 22nd wedding anniversary at an awkward dinner. He constantly and still refuses MC. He claims to like himself the way he is and thinks that I have hormonal issues. We argued, didn't speak, argued some more, blamed each other and then began to miss each other so much that I moved back in 2 weeks ago. Prior to this, we agreed that we would communicate, discuss our issues and work on our marriage.

Needless to say, that has not happened. Once again, any attempt gets a change of subject quickly. Sex has happened twice, both times were disappointing. There is no foreplay. I'm again lonely, hurt, disappointed and wondering why I returned. The funny thing is, we do love each other. Very much. Neither of us wants to be divorced.

Is there too much hurt, baggage and damage in our marriage for us to ever be normal and functional? I don't know what to do. Every time I walk away, I come right back. It's always the same vicious cycle. It hurts and the worst part of it all is, my libido and desire are through the roof. Has been for several years. I want and need his acceptance, desire, communication, intimacy, lust, love, etc., etc. Am I wanting something that will never come from him? I just need some advice and guidance. IC has given me coping skills for triggers and anxiety but hasn't addressed anything further yet.
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:26 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Interesting life.

You get back what you expect your standards to be. Raise and maintain your expectations for yourself and others. And work on that.

Divorce and restart over if you need to.
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:35 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Since he doesn't think he has a problem, how can you work on things together? He's unwilling to work WITH you; that's not a marriage. I would've left his cheating butt a long time ago, but I know people try and work things out even in the face of infidelity, but he was just disgustingly disrespectful! Stick with the IC and hopefully you get the answers you need. I really believe you'd be stronger and more confident without him. Yes, you'll miss him, but are you better off with or without him? As for the libido issue -- I don't believe in having sex with others while you're still married (even if you're separated) but there's always vibrators.
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Cliff's notes?
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Sounds pretty miserable. I don't think I'd expected it to be a whole lot different in the future.

You might have to divorce, improve your boundaries and raise your expectations. You should not have treated him that way, but he should not have treated you that way, either.

Perhaps a fresh start is in order. Kids grown?
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by WaitForIt... View Post
Is there too much hurt, baggage and damage in our marriage for us to ever be normal and functional?
Yes.

Divorce him, and move on with your life. It would be hard enough to R in this mess if he was remorseful. He's not going to change.

You, anyone, deserves better.
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Set yourself free and divorce him. You deserve better than what this pitiful excuse for a husband is willing to give.

All of his indiscretions were rugswept, he blamed you and anyone and everyone else. He never took responsibility, nor did anything to help you heal. Yet, when you had a ONS you were kicked out.

I get that you have been with him most of your life, but you still have a lot of life yet to live, and what you describe sounds like a miserable way to live.

Read about the 180, then practice it, live it and begin your next chapter. Then you can meet a wonderful guy that will respect you, treat you with dignity, and love you the way you should be loved.
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:10 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Cliff's notes?
He is a serial cheater and totally non remorseful. She had a ONS after years of emotional abuse and he made it all about him. Everything is all about him, she gets nothing from him. She stays with him because that's all she knows - they married when she was 16 because she was pregnant. They have physically abused each other.
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Is there too much hurt, baggage and damage in our marriage for us to ever be normal and functional? I don't know what to do. Every time I walk away, I come right back. It's always the same vicious cycle. It hurts and the worst part of it all is, my libido and desire are through the roof. Has been for several years. I want and need his acceptance, desire, communication, intimacy, lust, love, etc., etc. Am I wanting something that will never come from him? I just need some advice and guidance. IC has given me coping skills for triggers and anxiety but hasn't addressed anything further yet.
Is there too much hurt, baggage and damage?

No, I don't believe a marriage is ever truly beyond salvaging. But both spouses need to want to salvage the marriage. Your husband doesn't seem to want the marriage as much as he wants to rugsweep everything so he doesn't have to deal with his issues or the issues in the marriage. My recommendation is that he needs a heavy duty wakeup call. I would file for divorce and tell him that he has until the divorce becomes final to join you in working to fix and improve the marriage. This puts a definite timetable on things and if he continues to procrastinate or ignore the issues he will end up divorced. If that happens then you know there was no saving the marriage anyway and you can move on.
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I think your H has been having his 'needs' fulfilled elsewhere for pretty much the length of your marriage. By now it's a way of life for him and certainly it is the very fabric of your marriage in his mind. He would have to completely reorient the way he views you and your M, in my opinion. He would have to move to the next level, the more adult level, where partners have love and empathy and desire and loyalty.

He's stuck in a mindset of your past. You should get your own IC, move on with what is good for yourself, for your own life & see if he has the maturity and courage to change himself in response to the changes in you. If you don't do this, you are stuck because he is stuck. You are still young & you don't have to live your entire life like this.
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:55 AM   #12 (permalink)
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He's a serial cheat

Get checked for stds and move on with your life without him in it.

Do not lower yourself to his moral standards by cheating again. You do not deserve his crap. You can do better.
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Old 08-28-2013, 02:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you everyone, sincerely. I'll be 39 next month, he's 40, our daughters are grown, go to college and live on their own. They're surprisingly very well adjusted "adults".

Hope1964, your cliff notes were perfect and exactly on target. Thanks for making my novel into something clear and concise. Just wanted everyone to know almost all of it so I could get accurate advice. Sorry it was so long.

As for the physical violence, I have not put one hand on him in at least 15 years. Maybe longer. He's had his moments in the last 10 years. Probably 3 or 4 incidents where I felt attacked, the last one being 13 months ago. I had to come home early from a business trip because my sister was dying from cancer. They called the family in. I had previously told him that I had to go to dinner with co-workers and bosses. Spoke to him before the dinner and once in the restroom during. We finished dinner, I promptly left and called him as I walked back to the hotel. No joke, about 20 minutes of no contact. Well, the evening I arrived home he was livid about that 20 minutes. Hit the roof that he called me and I didn't answer. When I stood up to him and told him to get a hold of himself and that nothing was going on he threw his 40 oz. beer bottle at me causing a huge bruise on my thigh. So, I had to leave the next morning to travel several states over to say goodbye to my sister with an ugly bruise on my leg. While getting dressed with my younger sister for the funeral a few days later, she saw it. I was mortified.

I have no desire to be unfaithful again. Been down that road once and it nearly ate me alive. Lying, hiding, sneaking, cheating is not me. It causes entirely too much damage to both people, the BS and WS. Or did in my case, anyway. Now, I have the shame of the knowledge of what I've done. In a way, it makes me feel no better than him. The funny thing is, he informed everyone. Both sides of the family, our children, friends, everyone. I've told no one about the extent of his indiscretions except this post now. My younger sister knows a few things but that's it.

We made an agreement years ago to not lash out physically in anger, not say things that are hurtful or devastating or call each other names. I have stuck to that promise. He has not. As a matter of fact, about one month into our recent separation he sent me a text that basically said, "why don't you go f_ck another guy while I'm at hunting camp?". When he feels rejected, he lashes out and it is ugly.

I've been monitoring him for signs, evidence, anything regarding him cheating again for several years. Had a few gut feelings but found nothing. When I walked away the first time, he did date someone. Claims it was only a lunch date. Said she got on his nerves and he didn't pursue another. His sister said they went out several times and the OW just dropped him. She obviously had no idea if they were physical. Also, his best friend and his wife tried to set him up with someone. No idea if it panned out. Getting the truth out of those people (him included) is like squeezing blood from a stone. He also responded to a Craigslist ad for a woman wanting to date. Never saw a reply from her.

So, since his couple of years of confessions, trickle truths, gas lighting, blame shifting and rug sweeping, I haven't found evidence of anything. Found porn on his phone once. This was months after we set our boundaries that included no porn without the other. When confronted, he stated, word for word "there is nothing wrong with me wanting to see some ti--ies and if you touch my phone again I will cram it down your d_mn throat.". Didn't care at all that he had broken a promise and was angry at me for weeks for invading his privacy.

Haven't looked at his phone again but I do have the passwords to all his accounts. The ones I know about anyway. I can view the cell phone statement and haven't found anything. He appears to be clean and has been for about 10 years. There are some weird memories and situations that have raised red flags during these years. My gut told me something wasn't right but I haven't found any evidence. Nothing.
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Old 08-28-2013, 02:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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One other thing, had full STD tests twice in the past 18 months and I'm in the clear. Thankfully!
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Old 08-28-2013, 02:25 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Found porn on his phone once. This was months after we set our boundaries that included no porn without the other. When confronted, he stated, word for word "there is nothing wrong with me wanting to see some ti--ies and if you touch my phone again I will cram it down your d_mn throat.". Didn't care at all that he had broken a promise and was angry at me for weeks for invading his privacy.

Haven't looked at his phone again
Do you not see what is WRONG with this picture???????
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