Tales of a Walk Away and Come Back Again Wife
Hello all. Like others, I've lurked here for quite some time. Gotten some fantastic advice second hand from the posts of others. Guess it's finally time to tell my tale and get the advice I so desperately need. Trust you all to be honest and frank. You will be the first people to hear my whole story. That fact makes my palms sweat and my heart race. Anyway, here goes...
Married my husband young. We had been bf/gf on and off for several years before I got pregnant. His parents pushed him into marriage at 18. I was 16. He confessed about 4 years ago that he felt pressured into it, to "do the right thing".
We had our first child and 14 months later had another. Neither were planned but both were honored, cherished and adored. Even as children ourselves, we made the conscious and adult decision for me to be a SAHM.
Naturally, our marriage had ups and downs. Good times and bad times. I always felt we had an honest, genuine love and we were best friends. We've been married 22 years now and together almost 30. Our daughters are now grown and making their own way in the world. Successfully, I might add.
Being married and having 2 children so young did cause hardships. We moved frequently and basically lived paycheck to paycheck. The stress caused numerous arguments and some physical assaults. Some initiated by him, some by me.
His "confessions" began around our 10th - 12th years of marriage. We would get a bit of a buzz and start talking about things in the past. Guess I'll start at the beginning, when I knew in my heart and gut something wasn't right.
When pregnant with our 2nd, I had to live with my parents for a while with our oldest who was a year old. He lived in a house with a co-worker and two female roommates. One Sunday, he was visiting us at my parents. He stayed seated in the chair beside the phone. It rang, he answered and had a few word conversation with the person on the other end. After some prodding, I got him to tell me that it was the 17 year old girl who was a roommate in the house. He said that she had just taken a pregnancy test and it was negative. She had called him to let him know because they had become friends, "she was like a sister to him" and he was concerned since he knew how hard having a baby was when you are young. He said her bf was a POS.
Red flags were flying but I was na´ve and trusting. When he was at his house, I called a few times and she answered. One time, he admitted to laying in the bed with her, "just watching tv". That set me off and I had a fit. There were numerous other things about his time there that concerned me greatly. In hindsight, I should have known.
During his "confessions", he admitted to performing oral sex on her. Claimed it was the other female roommate's fault because they were all watching porn together and she said she wanted to watch them. He claims that the 17 year old came into his bedroom one night after he'd been drinking and threw herself at him. He performed oral on her to completion but they did nothing else. He also told me particulars about her body and what he liked about it. He said she talked dirty during the act and it turned him on a lot.
He also went to strip clubs numerous times, behind my back and bold-faced lied about it. I remember one time particularly, when pregnant with my 2nd, he was drawing plans because he wanted to open a strip club. We were laying in bed and he was rocking me. I questioned him about it. Couldn't understand why he'd want to open one if he'd never been to one. He held me tight and swore that he would never go to one, never had and would never do anything like that to me. Stupidly, I believed him again even though my guts said otherwise. Turns out, every time I would go visit my parents, he would visit strip clubs with his buddies.
There is a question of an indiscretion with my sister. Both adamantly deny. He's never confessed about anything with her, probably because he knows that would end it permanently.
During his "confessions", he admitted to going with my older brother looking for prostitutes. He claims they ended up at a jack-shack/lingerie place. They both chose a girl and went to the rooms. He says she gave him some lotion and tissues and sat him in a chair. Then turned on music and began dancing. He asked her about more because he didn't want to do it himself. She said for the right $.... He claims that turned him off and during the 2nd song, my brother opened the door and said essentially, let's get out of here, she wants me to do it myself.
He admitted to a ONS with a mutual friend. This was during a time when we were separated, at about year 5 of our marriage.
He admitted to dancing with other girls and getting phone numbers. He claims he had an opportunity to be with 2 girls early in our marriage but backed out at the last minute because of me. When he went to another state to look for work/housing for us to move, he lived with a male and 2 (female) bi-sexual lovers. The 3 of them (my H and the 2 girls) took a several day long trip. He states he begged them to let him watch but they wouldn't do more than kiss in front of him.
There are other indiscretions but I'm not recalling them at the moment. Thankfully.
Basically, he "admitted" these things but in every single instance he was never at fault. It was always someone else's fault or mine. For example, the almost 3some was because we had had a fight and I went to spend the night with my parents to cool off. The incident with my brother was out of his control because he wasn't driving. Etc., etc., etc.
After soaking in the confessions, I began to ask questions and put the puzzle pieces together. Throughout our whole marriage, when my gut instincts told me something was wrong, he told me I was crazy, paranoid, gas lighted, blame shifted, etc., etc., etc. His stories changed, too. When confronted with the discrepancies, he lied some more or claimed to not remember or even just flat out said he didn't know why he lied.
After confessing about the 17 year old (he was 20), the next morning after sobering up, I was crying in the shower. He heard me and came in. Asked what was wrong. I told him that I felt differently about him and was hurt. He yelled, told me he would never discuss any of those things again and would not be punished for being honest or for his past. He said he was just a kid that needed to sow his wild oats and had gotten married too young. He constantly claimed to be changed and hadn't done anything with anyone else for years.
All his incidents from that day forward were rug-swept. Any time I felt the need to discuss, he became angry to the point of ridiculousness. Basically told me to shut up and get over it or our marriage was over, that he was a good guy now.
This all changed me. I became hyper-sexual and did everything imaginable to ensure he would never feel the need for anyone but me again. This resulted in us opening up to each other, discussing fantasies, going to strip clubs, even discussing a MFF threesome. This behavior continued for about 5 years. We bonded. We had a wonderful marriage and fantastic sex life. Then slowly, around year 15 of our marriage, his desire started to wane and things went downhill. In hindsight, I believe it started when I admitted that the threesome idea wasn't something I actually wanted to do and was best as a fantasy.
He stopped wanting to discuss fantasies. We stopped watching porn together. Sex went to 1-2 times per week, always on the weekends and always under his conditions. This brought up the past indiscretions for me (triggers) and I became highly insecure. Tried everything: seduction, lingerie, dirty talk/messages, initiating hard core, teasing... Nothing worked. He claimed he was tired from work, had too much stress, was getting older (he was about 32-33 at the time this started), etc., etc., etc.
I endured and tried talking to him. About everything. Any mention of my fears, triggers and the past set him off and pushed him further away. Sex on the weekends became duty sex. I was merely an object for his release and could sense it. Any questions about what could be done to spice things up, help him, increase his libido were met with, "I don't have a problem and am just fine with how things are. Why do you insist on starting a fight?" He was right, any discussion of anything of a sexual nature ended up in a huge fight, hurt feelings and ugly words being said.
After a few years of this, I unintentionally began disengaging. Had to satisfy myself which became so tiresome and pathetic that I would cry afterwards. He would watch tv knowing what I was doing. I would ask him to come to bed for some fun and he would sit on the couch until the wee hours of the morning. Both of us shut down and shut each other out. After a few years of this, I told him something had to change or I would leave. Every time I attempted conversation about our relationship, he hit the roof or sat stone-cold, unemotional and uninvolved. No discussions.
Unfortunately, by this time, I was at a rock-bottom with my self-esteem. Had a revenge ONS with a co-worker. Horrible, horrible, horrible. There is no excuse. None. I am ashamed and humiliated. Always will be. About 6 weeks after, I confessed. H kicked me out. 2 weeks after he kicked me out, he visited an Asian massage parlor for the full works. I did not find this out until we reconciled.
This will be continued...