Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-16-2010, 09:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

Last August I opened my husbands cell phone bill and there was one number with lots of text and calls to. I asked husband when he got home but just said it was a male work friend who was having problems. Later that night I heard him shredding the bill (he does not usually). I had already written the number down so a few days later after it all going round and round in my head I called the number and a women answered.
I was completely taken aback I have never never had any doubts of how strong our relationship was and I completly trusted and love him.
I confronted him with what I had found out he said it was just text sex but I had to badger him to come clean which he eventually did. It started in the middle of June and last for 4 weeks although he was still in contact with her up until I phoned her and I went to her work and confronted her which was 6 weeks later. I was so devasted I still cannot remember even driving to her work.

She told me he only stayed with me for our kids and that he loved her. I was incomplete shock I listened to her talk about my husband for an hour and it was like listening all about a complete stranger. She seem to think she knew him better. Husband arrived when we were taking and never said anything just sat there like usless piece of crap!! In the end I said I had to get home so I sped out of the carpark and I could not believe that he stayed and listened to her tak for another 50 minutes. (she phoned me later to tell me that he still loved her and was still only staying for the kids). When he arrived home I was a broken person and still am after all this time. He says he tried to finish it after the 4 weeks but they still had to meet through work and he was frightened what she would do next.

He has said he thought I did not love him and he had these thoughts and she was there to listen and one thing led to another but he says he always loved me and still does. I thought he was my sole mate and I have never been with any one else but him how could he soil our marraige with all this.

I just think if he thought that I did not love him why did he not fight for me and give me a chance to reasure him and why throw it all away for a 4 week affair.

Who do I believe I have no idea. I know it now has been nearly 6 months and we are no further forward. We are still living in the same house we are not really talking I cannot bare him near me and the kids know some thing is going on.
Do we carry on and live together for the kids or do we seperate. He wants us to try again and rebuild our marraige but I know it will never be the same as I look at him in a different light he was my knight in shining armour and now he is the one who destryed our happiness and our future together as a family.

I am sorry for rambling but I have not told anyone the full story as we live in a small comunity and as you can imagine the rumours are awful although I know they are not rumours they are facts .
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Old 02-16-2010, 09:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

Why did he say he thought you didn't love him? That is core to the whole thing. If he really had a valid reason for thinking that, then this might be salvageable. If he really truly had NO reason for thinking that than that is very different.

Men experience love through sex to a much greater degree than women. Why did he say he thought you didn't love him?


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Originally Posted by jay62 View Post
Last August I opened my husbands cell phone bill and there was one number with lots of text and calls to. I asked husband when he got home but just said it was a male work friend who was having problems. Later that night I heard him shredding the bill (he does not usually). I had already written the number down so a few days later after it all going round and round in my head I called the number and a women answered.
I was completely taken aback I have never never had any doubts of how strong our relationship was and I completly trusted and love him.
I confronted him with what I had found out he said it was just text sex but I had to badger him to come clean which he eventually did. It started in the middle of June and last for 4 weeks although he was still in contact with her up until I phoned her and I went to her work and confronted her which was 6 weeks later. I was so devasted I still cannot remember even driving to her work.

She told me he only stayed with me for our kids and that he loved her. I was incomplete shock I listened to her talk about my husband for an hour and it was like listening all about a complete stranger. She seem to think she knew him better. Husband arrived when we were taking and never said anything just sat there like usless piece of crap!! In the end I said I had to get home so I sped out of the carpark and I could not believe that he stayed and listened to her tak for another 50 minutes. (she phoned me later to tell me that he still loved her and was still only staying for the kids). When he arrived home I was a broken person and still am after all this time. He says he tried to finish it after the 4 weeks but they still had to meet through work and he was frightened what she would do next.

He has said he thought I did not love him and he had these thoughts and she was there to listen and one thing led to another but he says he always loved me and still does. I thought he was my sole mate and I have never been with any one else but him how could he soil our marraige with all this.

I just think if he thought that I did not love him why did he not fight for me and give me a chance to reasure him and why throw it all away for a 4 week affair.

Who do I believe I have no idea. I know it now has been nearly 6 months and we are no further forward. We are still living in the same house we are not really talking I cannot bare him near me and the kids know some thing is going on.
Do we carry on and live together for the kids or do we seperate. He wants us to try again and rebuild our marraige but I know it will never be the same as I look at him in a different light he was my knight in shining armour and now he is the one who destryed our happiness and our future together as a family.

I am sorry for rambling but I have not told anyone the full story as we live in a small comunity and as you can imagine the rumours are awful although I know they are not rumours they are facts .
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Old 02-16-2010, 11:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

He says there was no change in our marraige to make him think these things I honestly did not see any of this coming.
The only thing I could think of was that our very close friend was going through cancer treatment and we were at the hospital a lot but we were always there together and she started treatment around the time he started having these thoughts. I have spoken to him about this but he says that hadn't anything to do with it (our friend is in remission). He has not seen r or spoken to OW since I confronted her but she has been very malicious and her husband sent a letter to husbands work and he lost his job over all this so the strain on the family has been great. I could have done the same to her job but I was trying to come to terms with what was happening and thought that was the least of my worries.
He is back working and is home earlier than his other job but I dont know if that is a bonus or not!!

I do not know what is the next step I am at a total loss it is like I am living doing all the normal things but not feeling anything.

Any helpful advice would be wonderful x
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Old 02-16-2010, 11:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

hi there, so sorry you are going through this, I have a very similar story, we have also been together about 26 years.....
I didn't discover the affair myself, I found out from the OW's hubby...
I got the same story you did about why.....I know how you feel, we go through all the pain of an affair and the fact that they could even do this to us. I think the toughest part for me was that all that I believed about him was not real.....I to trusted him 100% I honestly thought he didn't have that kind of behavior in him based on his moral upbringing, this was devastating to me.....
My hubby now says he isn't going to have a relationship with her, so what was all my pain for?
If he didn't love me like he said and that is why he had the relationship, why isn't he with her and gone from my life.
He knows that isn't true and that is something he just told himself to justify what he did....
What else is the OW going to say, this is what she has to believe to do her justification.....
Honey you have to decide what you can live with and if he is worth keeping to you, 6 months is long enough, can you see him out of your life, part of something like this is taking ownership in your part of the marriage breakdown.....his decision to have an affair is his though and nothing to do with you.....if you are sure she is out of his life and you can't see life without him then work on your marriage......he now has to give you 100% of making you feel secure in the relationship.....I told my hubby I couldn't have any doubt about his commitment to me or it wouldn't work.
Forgive him and forgive yourself and see where you are at....
There are no guarantees in life, but you have to at least live and feel alive.....otherwise you are just existing......
this forum is very helpful to keep oneself strong and rational
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Old 02-16-2010, 11:50 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

I am sorry that you are going through this. I found out in October 2009 that my H of 14 years was having an A. He gave me the same reason as you, he didn't think I loved him anymore. He would talk to her about it and she listend and then then OW gave him the affection and intimacy he wasn't getting from me. His only lasted about 4 or so weeks before her H found out. It ended that day and he has never spoke/seen her since. But for me, I had to look in the proverbial mirror and realize that I wasn't showing my H how much I loved him. Our marriage was having issues, at which I was partially at fault. YES - it was wrong and horrible for my H to have an A but he was being selfish - he was getting affection he desired while keeping his family/wife and kids. SO, I have changed, I have forgiven and we are happier than we've been in years.

SO, what you need to decide is do you love your husband and want to make your marriage work? Are you willing to really LOOK and understand why your H felt he wasn't loved by you? If you do, you need to focus on the relationship between the two of you, NOT the relationship he had with the OW. Because, in essense that was just fantasy, you are real life. That needs to be your priority. As hard as it is, stop focusing on how could he do this to me (you) but why as in, why was he feeling that way and how to we fix that. It's not easy but only you can decide if it's worth it.
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Old 02-16-2010, 12:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

I too am very sorry that you have to go through this. You've already gotten some good replies, so I don't want to add too much more - it is very possible to save your marriage, and to build an even stronger and better one that you had before all this started. It does take some work, and, as you can imagine, at least for a while, your husband probably won't be all the way on board.

Don't worry about that right now - he can come around. The first thing you need to do is ask him to break off with the other woman - and then (even if he does not) get to work on your marriage. He won't change until he chooses to get rid of her, but in the meantime, you can start laying the groundwork.

Here are some concepts you might want to explore that will help you get started. Here are some more.

Only real question: are you willing to do what it takes to save your marriage?
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Old 02-17-2010, 01:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm with you 100%, he says he didn't think you loved him? If he loved you so much why didn't he fight for you, why didn't he do things to spark your interest. We hear, all the time, that we (as women) should try to spice up our lovelife to keep a man's interest and stop him from straying. Where is your spark?
My main concern (having lived through and still am... a cheated marriage) is where SHE (the OW) is getting her information from? I can't imagine it would totally be in her imagination. I think you need to find out what promises your husband has making her, before you can make a truly justified decision.
Either way, you are in a world of pain right now. And no major decision should be made at this point. However, the OW knows something you don't. I would want to know what.
Best of luck, and always TRY to remember, it's not you, it's him!!!
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:35 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

Thank you so much for all your replies it has been a great help. It is so sad that so many of you are going through what I am. I would not wish this heartache on any one.
I have asked repeatedly about why he though I didn't love him and he says it was all in his head. If this is the case why did he not give me a chance to fight for our marraige and reassure him that I loved him and in all these years (28 in total) I have never even thought of being unfaithful.

Now he says how can I throw away our marraige for a 4 week mistake he says it is a small part of our lives and if I cannot see that I couldn't of loved him as much as I say!!
I don't see it as 4 weeks as I ended it for him after 10 weeks when I found out as he was still texting her and meeting her (no sex) although they still kissed.
I am just totally lost I do not know if i can get over the lies and decite, I do believe he is sorry and he says if he could turn back the clock he would have talked to me and not her. Him talking to her instead of me hurts so much but to tell her he was in a loveless marraige seemed the end for me. He say he did say the stuff to her but not about leaving us but he did say to her he was only staying for the kids but he he didn't mean any of that (so why say it).

I am just total lost and don't know the next step I know I have to decide what to do, whether to try even harder to carry on and hope it gets better or to move on. I hate the thought of splitting up our family.
Thanks everyone again I know I ramble on x
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

I am so sorry to hear this honey. Like most people that responded, my H had an affair about a year and a half ago. I wasn't informed until about 4 months ago. I have been going through the motions, trying to figure out what I want. If I want him or if I just want out.

We actually talked last night in full detail, and he told me well, he was so unhappy for so many years that he was just in despair and he slept with her. And then I asked him, okay WHY were you so unhappy. I started thinking back, and he literally got everything he wanted. New truck, accepted into his dream job, wife did everything for him, took care of the kids, always was willing and ready to be intimate whenever he wanted to be, etc. Then it comes out that he was unhappy about all the hurt he had caused me ( he was selfish A LOT in our marriage) and didn't think I could possibly love him because of all the things he had done. instead of asking me about it, or talking to me, he went to her and slept with her 3 times. So I said oh, you were so upset about all the pain you caused that you went out and had an affair? And he seemed just as confused as I was.

I get the same talk, why would I throw away our marriage just because he made a mistake. Well, sleeping with her once was a mistake, sleeping with her 3 times was intent. That's how I personally view it.

We ARE working it out, but it took some serious soul searching on BOTH our parts. Me to decide whether or not I would LET him be the man for me, and he was to decide whether or not he can BE that man. I never thought I would have to deal with this, none of us ever did probably.

My only advice to you is to sit down and talk until you are blue in the face about what happened, and if he answers with things that don't make any sense to you, make him make sense. Because the only reason I am here is because I have a FULL understanding of what happened. Had nothing to do with me, I was doing all I could. He just wasn't who I thought he was.

Best of luck, and don't let this control your life. It is going to if you let it. You will have bad days and some not so bad days, just take it as it comes and try to figure out if your H is willing to spend the rest of his life making it up to you.
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Old 02-17-2010, 01:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

Morning Jay62!!! I apologize about the length - but there's a lot of info here...

I don't know if you had a chance to look over the basic concepts I linked above, but in case you didn't, here's another link.

I did notice a common theme throughout the comments on this thread, and I think I can shed some light on what is happening. What you are experiencing is common in nearly every marriage where there has been an affair. In fact, the partners on both sides of the affair (both the Disloyal Spouse - the one who committed the infidelity - and the Loyal Spouse - the one who remained faithful) invariable follow a script. If you can see how you fit into that script, and how your spouse if following a similar one, you will be able to stop 'using' it and move on toward recovering from the damage.

The theme:

'If he didn't feel loved, why didn't he tell you?'

Also, there is the general idea that 'we did all the things to make him feel loved, and yet he didn't - what's wrong with him?'

Here are some quotes that show the theme:

Quote:
If he loved you so much why didn't he fight for you, why didn't he do things to spark your interest. We hear, all the time, that we (as women) should try to spice up our lovelife to keep a man's interest and stop him from straying. Where is your spark?
Quote:
I have asked repeatedly about why he though I didn't love him and he says it was all in his head. If this is the case why did he not give me a chance to fight for our marraige and reassure him that I loved him and in all these years (28 in total) I have never even thought of being unfaithful.
Quote:
We actually talked last night in full detail, and he told me well, he was so unhappy for so many years that he was just in despair and he slept with her. And then I asked him, okay WHY were you so unhappy. I started thinking back, and he literally got everything he wanted. New truck, accepted into his dream job, wife did everything for him, took care of the kids, always was willing and ready to be intimate whenever he wanted to be, etc.
The question, 'why didn't he ask you?' is a very good one! I think the best answer to that is that most likely this did not occur to him - that form of communication is not taught in current society - we are more often taught that our spouse knows how to love us, and that we know how to love our spouse. We assume that we are doing all the things they need, we know exactly what they want, and that they too, provide all we need and all we want. And in most cases, we are all wrong.

Look at it this way: suppose your husband thinks that acts of service are what you need to feel loved - so he cleans the kitchen and changes the oil in the car. You notice these things, and yes, its nice - but really what you need to feel loved is for him to be very affectionate, to spend a lot of time just talking with you. When he does THOSE things - you feel loved! SO he thinks he's done a great thing for the marriage - he changed the oil - you have to love him now! And all the while you feel left out and kind of lonely because he hasn't spent any time in good conversation with you for a long time.

As long as you both assume what the other needs, there is a huge possibility that you aren't fulfilling the right need - and he is feeling unloved.

And when you feel unloved, you are vulnerable to an affair - because its very possible to find someone else who DOES do the things you feel you need - and unless you are very careful to guard your marriage , you can end up making a huge mistake.

This in no way excuses the affair - such a thing is wrong, on all levels. Your husband made the choice to be unfaithful, when he could have made any other choice. But an affair nearly ALWAYS points to a weak area in your marriage - a place where an important need is not being met - and the Other Person 'seems' to meet that need.

I say seems because:

Quote:
Then it comes out that he was unhappy about all the hurt he had caused me ( he was selfish A LOT in our marriage) and didn't think I could possibly love him because of all the things he had done. instead of asking me about it, or talking to me, he went to her and slept with her 3 times. So I said oh, you were so upset about all the pain you caused that you went out and had an affair? And he seemed just as confused as I was.
That quote points out something very well. An affair is a fantasy. It is nothing more, it never is anything but a fantasy. It's an imagined way to fill a need (the need itself is usually quite real). So, as in the quote - when looking at the affair after the point - it usually is quite confusing as to what happened. That is because while the Disloyal Spouse is in the dream of the affair, nearly all of their thinking is completely skewed. They say things to the Other Person that the cannot possibly mean, they make things up, they lie, disassemble, obfuscate, confuse, twist and manipulate the facts to justify their actions. They try to make the Other Person into the perfect source to meet all their needs. And its all fantasy. Hence - the confusion you feel in this section...

Quote:
I am just totally lost I do not know if i can get over the lies and decite, I do believe he is sorry and he says if he could turn back the clock he would have talked to me and not her. Him talking to her instead of me hurts so much but to tell her he was in a loveless marraige seemed the end for me. He say he did say the stuff to her but not about leaving us but he did say to her he was only staying for the kids but he he didn't mean any of that (so why say it).
...is easily explained. He meant it - but only when he said it, and only because he had lost his hold on reality. He was twisting reality to justify his affair.

I do wish to point out that if you intend to work on your marriage that you make sure he feels safe enough to be honest with you - even if it hurts you. The moment he no longer feels safe to tell you the truth (even if he owes it to you) he will stop talking to you - or worse, start lying. You can get past the hurt - because honesty is so helpful to a marriage.

Quote:
Now he says how can I throw away our marraige for a 4 week mistake he says it is a small part of our lives and if I cannot see that I couldn't of loved him as much as I say!! I don't see it as 4 weeks as I ended it for him after 10 weeks when I found out as he was still texting her and meeting her (no sex) although they still kissed.
People who go through affairs speak out of a fog - their reality is not back to normal - so a lot of that they say is mixed up and often pretty much incorrect. My advice is to let him speak - but take it with a grain or two of salt - over time he will begin to babble less and make more sense.

By the way: you did mention something in that last quote that points out what I wrote about earlier in this post: '...and if I cannot see that I couldn't of loved him as much as I say!...' - that may be very true. Not that you did not feel love for him - nor even that you were doing what you THOUGHT would show him you loved him.

The solution is to find out what it is that DOES make him feel loved. This is different for each person, because we are all unique individuals. Try going over this with him. Might make a huge difference! Hopefully (and most likely when your marriage is in recovery) he will apply this questionnaire to you too!
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Old 02-18-2010, 08:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

Thank you for your replies your insight to all what is going on is most appreciated.
The problem I have is I really don't know whether I want to try and save my marriage as I feel it will always come between us, like a flaw in our marriage and that bit can never be repaired.
I do love my husband but for him to hurt and destroy all that, for no reason (so he says) is beyond my belief that we can get passed it all.
He has sworn blind that he has had no contact since the day I confronted them both, which i do believe although deep down I have doubts as I had no clue that he was lying for these weeks so how do i know he isn't lying now?
I have looked at myself and tried to see if there was anything that I was doing differently. I know I was stressed by my friends illness which I feel he should have supported me but didn't instead went to the OW. He told her that I was a weak timid person and could not leave me as I would not cope and when she met me I was nothing as he lead her to believe. Why show me in that light when he knows full well i am a very strong person and it is him who cannot cope with out me and our family.
He as you say has been doing house work cleaning the car and extra domestic chores but I have told him that is not what I wanted. I want to feel special I wanted him to show me that he chose me and not just because he would lose his kids and family.

i have read the articles you suggested and they are helpful and I can see the sense in the information

I seem to still be in limbo land after all this time and I know I have to make changes but I do not know what or how i am going to come to that decision.
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Old 02-18-2010, 01:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jay62 View Post
The problem I have is I really don't know whether I want to try and save my marriage as I feel it will always come between us, like a flaw in our marriage and that bit can never be repaired.
I do love my husband but for him to hurt and destroy all that, for no reason (so he says) is beyond my belief that we can get passed it all.
That is completely understandable. For one thing, you have a long history - 25 years - that's a lot of time that seems to have been thrown away. On top of this, you haven't had very long to process this. Because of this, my advice is to not make any major decisions for a while - let some time happen. You most likely didn't marry your husband a couple of days after you met him - don't end the marriage a couple of days after a major blow to it. You have time. My wife often points out that a marriage can last for 70 years or more. In that amount of time, your spouse may mess up, go crazy, for a year or two - but what's one or two years in the span of 70?

Quote:
He has sworn blind that he has had no contact since the day I confronted them both, which i do believe although deep down I have doubts as I had no clue that he was lying for these weeks so how do i know he isn't lying now?
Here's something that works: ask your husband for complete access to all of his records - phone, text, email, etc. For a while, until you feel like he is telling the truth, check them constantly. Require that he report all his activities to you. If he is serious about returning to you, he will do so willingly. He will do it because he will do whatever it takes to make it up to you.

Quote:
I have looked at myself and tried to see if there was anything that I was doing differently. I know I was stressed by my friends illness which I feel he should have supported me but didn't instead went to the OW.
Most affairs do not happen in a vacuum - usually the Other Person fills some need that the Disloyal Spouse feels is not being met by the Loyal Spouse. So yes, there most likely is some area you can work on to make your marriage more affair proof.

But before you do that, keep in mind that even if you were a really horrible person - that in no way excuses your husband's action. He chose to have an affair - he could easily have chosen some other avenue - even to the extent of seeking help in finding out why he felt the need to do so. He is responsible for his actions.

Quote:
He told her that I was a weak timid person and could not leave me as I would not cope and when she met me I was nothing as he lead her to believe. Why show me in that light when he knows full well i am a very strong person and it is him who cannot cope with out me and our family.
Keep in mind that the things that happened to you in this affair are not unique. People who choose affairs follow a predictable script. It's predictable enough that I can most likely tell you many things he said to the Other Woman - or to you - with frightening accuracy. What he did in the affair is 'normal', predictable behavior.

An affair is a fantasy. Everything that goes into it is a fantasy. When someone gets involved in an affair, they go into fantasy mode. I hope I stressed the word fantasy enough! Basically your husband was taken over by aliens. He does not think or act like he does when he is normal. He is thinking and speaking in what we call 'the fog'. Whatever he said (and quite possibly, for some time to come) is skewed, biased and alien. He may have looked like your husband, but he was pretty much a different person.

He skewed reality to justify his actions with the Other Woman. He twisted facts, and painted an image of an intolerable life 'back home' - while showing the Other Woman that she was perfect.

Reality check - this woman would sleep with a married man! How perfect is that? Just an indicator of how much an affair is a fantasy.

Quote:
He as you say has been doing house work cleaning the car and extra domestic chores but I have told him that is not what I wanted. I want to feel special I wanted him to show me that he chose me and not just because he would lose his kids and family.

i have read the articles you suggested and they are helpful and I can see the sense in the information
Again, ask yourself if you are willing to work on your marriage. 25 years is a lot to throw away - a lot of memories. Not only that, a divorce never solves the problem. Never ever. All it does is end the contract you made with him. All of those memories are there, all the time spent with the man you fell in love with. All a divorce does is throw distance and normally pain between the two of you. Moreover, a divorce affects several generations of family. It is not something to be taken lightly.

It sounds like your husband is willing to work on the marriage - and if so, the questionnaire I linked to you will give him some excellent things to do to work toward building a fire in your marriage. I hope you actually took the time to go over the actual questionnaire!

Here is another important one that fills in the blanks left by the other one. Take it as well - go over all the questions carefully - this is a great one to build trust and restore a marriage.

If you do decide to save your marriage, let your husband know the answers you gave on the questionnaire. As I hinted before - he is in a place where he will definitely listen!

I'd say that you have a good chance of building a much better marriage than the one you had before. The pain of this situation will not go away - but out of this pain can be built a far better relationship. Give it a chance!
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Old 02-18-2010, 04:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

I just wanted to post back, that you shouldn't make any decisions while you are still upset/confused. Usually those decisions don't turn out well at all.

I won't blame you one bit if you want out, I have had that thought SEVERAL times since I found out about my H's affair. Thats the problem. I realize I am still in a fog with all of it, and that if I am bouncing back and forth then I really don't know what I want yet. So I haven't made any set in stone decisions. There isn't a timeline to these things, so just take your time and let the dust settle. Best of luck and honestly, if you just need to vent or cry, do it.
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Old 02-18-2010, 04:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

What Dawn says above is absolutely true - take your time.

If this makes any sense - don't make any decision about this based on how you feel about it. Wait until you can think about it clearly, rationally. Then make a decision.

Until then - just go through the pain, vent, cry, etc. Allow yourself time to grieve before you act.
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Old 02-18-2010, 05:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!!

Quote:
Why show me in that light when he knows full well i am a very strong person
Because that way, he has an excuse for not just leaving you and moving in with her. People in affairs like to cake eat - get it from both of you. Or get something from both of you. You meet some of his needs. SHE meets some of his needs. You used to be the one person (hopefully) meeting all his needs, but at some point, he chose to look elsewhere. But typically, the cheater will get the 'fun' stuff met by the affair partner, while he still wants his wife to continue to meet his 'boring' needs - child care, domestic support, meals, looking good to your society as a couple...

Most waywards WANT to keep getting needs met by both...thus using your 'weakness' as an excuse for not leaving you. Plus, cheaters LIE.

At marriagebuilders, they recommend that once you find out about the affair, you do what you can to STOP the affair by exposing it to family and friends (and the affair partner's spouse and family). Then, you work like h&ll to be the best partner ever while seeing if they will drop the affair partner. Smell good, look good, be amazing. If he stops seeing her, and sees you, you'll look like a good choice. But, if he refuses to stop, you should NOT continue to stay with him indefinitely - yes, you should kick him out and go dark (they call it Plan B). In Plan B, you give him a love letter telling him how much you love him, but that you won't continue to sit back and wait for him to come to his senses; that if he won't stop seeing the OW, he must leave and never see you again. If he has to contact you for any purpose, he can do so through an intermediary - friend, relative, pastor - who will pass along whatever he needs to tell you.

The purposes for Plan B are to (1) protect you from having to be trashed continuously as he cheats and (2) remove YOUR needs-meeting from his life. Once you are gone, he will have to turn to his OW and expect her to meet his 'boring' needs as well as his 'fun' needs. But most affair partners don't WANT to do that - they just want to have fun. Once they have to hold his head over the toilet, the glamour of the affair fades quickly; fights ensue; affairs end.

But as long as you continue to meet all his needs except what he's getting from her, he has no reason to change.
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