Morning Jay62!!! I apologize about the length - but there's a lot of info here...
I don't know if you had a chance to look over the basic concepts I linked above, but in case you didn't, here's another link.
I did notice a common theme throughout the comments on this thread, and I think I can shed some light on what is happening. What you are experiencing is common in nearly every marriage where there has been an affair. In fact, the partners on both sides of the affair (both the Disloyal Spouse - the one who committed the infidelity - and the Loyal Spouse - the one who remained faithful) invariable follow a script. If you can see how you fit into that script, and how your spouse if following a similar one, you will be able to stop 'using' it and move on toward recovering from the damage.
The theme: 'If he didn't feel loved, why didn't he tell you?'
Also, there is the general idea that 'we did all the things to make him feel loved, and yet he didn't - what's wrong with him?
Here are some quotes that show the theme:
If he loved you so much why didn't he fight for you, why didn't he do things to spark your interest. We hear, all the time, that we (as women) should try to spice up our lovelife to keep a man's interest and stop him from straying. Where is your spark?
I have asked repeatedly about why he though I didn't love him and he says it was all in his head. If this is the case why did he not give me a chance to fight for our marraige and reassure him that I loved him and in all these years (28 in total) I have never even thought of being unfaithful.
We actually talked last night in full detail, and he told me well, he was so unhappy for so many years that he was just in despair and he slept with her. And then I asked him, okay WHY were you so unhappy. I started thinking back, and he literally got everything he wanted. New truck, accepted into his dream job, wife did everything for him, took care of the kids, always was willing and ready to be intimate whenever he wanted to be, etc.
The question, 'why didn't he ask you?' is a very good one! I think the best answer to that is that most likely this did not occur to him - that form of communication is not taught in current society - we are more often taught that our spouse knows how to love us, and that we know how to love our spouse. We assume
that we are doing all the things they need, we know exactly what they want, and that they too, provide all we need and all we want. And in most cases, we are all wrong.
Look at it this way: suppose your husband thinks that acts of service are what you need to feel loved - so he cleans the kitchen and changes the oil in the car. You notice these things, and yes, its nice - but really what you need to feel loved is for him to be very affectionate, to spend a lot of time just talking with you. When he does THOSE things - you feel loved! SO he thinks he's done a great thing for the marriage - he changed the oil - you have to love him now! And all the while you feel left out and kind of lonely because he hasn't spent any time in good conversation with you for a long time.
As long as you both assume what the other needs, there is a huge possibility that you aren't fulfilling the right need - and he is feeling unloved.
And when you feel unloved, you are vulnerable to an affair - because its very possible to find someone else who DOES do the things you feel you need - and unless you are very careful to guard your marriage , you can end up making a huge mistake.
This in no way excuses the affair - such a thing is wrong, on all levels. Your husband made the choice to be unfaithful, when he could have made any other choice. But an affair nearly ALWAYS points to a weak area in your marriage - a place where an important need is not being met - and the Other Person 'seems' to meet that need.
I say seems
Then it comes out that he was unhappy about all the hurt he had caused me ( he was selfish A LOT in our marriage) and didn't think I could possibly love him because of all the things he had done. instead of asking me about it, or talking to me, he went to her and slept with her 3 times. So I said oh, you were so upset about all the pain you caused that you went out and had an affair? And he seemed just as confused as I was.
That quote points out something very well. An affair is a fantasy. It is nothing more, it never is anything but a fantasy. It's an imagined way to fill a need (the need itself is usually quite real). So, as in the quote - when looking at the affair after the point - it usually is quite confusing as to what happened. That is because while the Disloyal Spouse is in the dream of the affair, nearly all of their thinking is completely skewed. They say things to the Other Person that the cannot possibly mean, they make things up, they lie, disassemble, obfuscate, confuse, twist and manipulate the facts to justify their actions. They try to make the Other Person into the perfect source to meet all their needs. And its all fantasy. Hence - the confusion you feel in this section...
I am just totally lost I do not know if i can get over the lies and decite, I do believe he is sorry and he says if he could turn back the clock he would have talked to me and not her. Him talking to her instead of me hurts so much but to tell her he was in a loveless marraige seemed the end for me. He say he did say the stuff to her but not about leaving us but he did say to her he was only staying for the kids but he he didn't mean any of that (so why say it).
...is easily explained. He meant it - but only when he said it, and only because he had lost his hold on reality. He was twisting reality to justify his affair.
I do wish to point out that if you intend to work on your marriage that you make sure he feels safe enough to be honest with you - even if it hurts you. The moment he no longer feels safe to tell you the truth (even if he owes it to you) he will stop talking to you - or worse, start lying. You can
get past the hurt - because honesty is so helpful to a marriage.
Now he says how can I throw away our marraige for a 4 week mistake he says it is a small part of our lives and if I cannot see that I couldn't of loved him as much as I say!! I don't see it as 4 weeks as I ended it for him after 10 weeks when I found out as he was still texting her and meeting her (no sex) although they still kissed.
People who go through affairs speak out of a fog - their reality is not back to normal - so a lot of that they say is mixed up and often pretty much incorrect. My advice is to let him speak - but take it with a grain or two of salt - over time he will begin to babble less and make more sense.
By the way: you did mention something in that last quote that points out what I wrote about earlier in this post: '...and if I cannot see that I couldn't of loved him as much as I say!...' - that may be very true. Not that you did not feel love for him - nor even that you were doing what you THOUGHT would show him you loved him.
The solution is to find out what it is that DOES make him feel loved. This is different for each person, because we are all unique individuals. Try going over this with him
. Might make a huge difference! Hopefully (and most likely when your marriage is in recovery) he will apply this questionnaire to you too!