Does anyone else here run into this problem?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-21-2010, 02:56 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Does anyone else here run into this problem?

I've read dozens of books, websites, articles... etc. I've been given some REALLY good advice on how to pick up the pieces and move onward with my life after the As and multitude of lies.

But I just don't do any of it. I don't know why. It all sounds like great advice. But I just can't bring myself to do it. Argh!

Does this happen to you? Why do you think this is?

Last edited by MrsInPain; 02-21-2010 at 02:56 AM. Reason: Had to pluralize "A"... unfortunately. =/
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Old 02-21-2010, 05:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

Because we don't want to get hurt again!! I do some of the same things. I am trying to do the love dare right now and it's hard but am hoping in the end it will great for our marriage. I still have days I want to cry and yell at him that is the hardest to not just start a fight with him when I am so upset.
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Old 02-21-2010, 07:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

I have bought all those books, and read most of them. My H on the other hand has not lifted one of those books, he was the one who cheated. He has no motivation....he's getting there, but it has taken me telling him (multiple times) that I cannot be the only one who is trying to improve MYSELF for us and our marriage.

Good luck, hopefully in due time you will find the motivation you need!
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Old 02-21-2010, 09:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

I know it's hard but you just have to make a conscious effort to move on. Don't get me wrong, I have bad moments and/or days that I go back to then and relive the pain and images over in my mind. But for the most part, I have moved past and moved on.

For my situation, however, our marriage wasn't in a good place prior and it's SO much better now. I can honestly say we are really HAPPY, getting along and reconnected.

So, I focus on that. I could focus on what he did, how bad he hurt me or I could focus on him now, loving, caring, remorseful, etc.
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Old 02-21-2010, 10:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

HI mrs in pain.

Not easy as you know. But.. How are you by yourself? Can you see yourself separate? Are you a confident srong woman? Would you be ok by yourself?
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Old 02-21-2010, 10:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

yep i don't wanna do any of it either. half the time i am thinking about what i can say or do to hurt my husband (thinking about it) then sitting in silent pain because he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
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Old 02-21-2010, 04:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

I'm glad I'm not alone! MrsBroken, I think you hit the nail on the head with that one - it is a coping mechanism.

Recently my H has been weirded out that I am getting closer with my friends, particularly my best friend (we've been BFFs since 4th grade). He made the comment, "How are we supposed to build up our marriage when you're spending most of your free time with [your friend]?" I told him, "Well when you cheat again and I finally have to leave for good, she's all I have."

It was kind of shocking because I just blurted that out, but basically it's true.

Can'tbelieveit... Kudos, I admire your dedication and hard work. It takes a strong person to take those steps. Good luck & I hope your marriage continues to get stronger.

Vino... Oh, when I picture myself alone I picture the good life. I am extremely confident. I am known as strong but considering what I've put up with maybe my reputation exceeds how strong I really am! I think I would be terrific on my own. My best friend has a spot for me at her apartment. However, I'm giving this "one last shot." Basically, the H knows that AS SOON AS I find the next cheat/lie, I'm out! =)

euastin, I'm sorry you're going through this. The best approach at this stage is to take it one day at a time. Perhaps you can make a list of the legitimate questions/concerns you have with regard to your H and approach him in a non-confrontational (I know, that part is the hardest!) way and sit down to talk about it. Tell him that this is essential to you guys moving on as a married couple. He needs to be there for you; let him know that! Good luck.
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Old 02-21-2010, 04:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsInPain View Post
I'm giving this "one last shot." Basically, the H knows that AS SOON AS I find the next cheat/lie, I'm out! =)
Do you have any faith left in him, or are you expecting him to fail?

No amount of reading will convince you to trust someone who is untrustworthy.
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Old 02-21-2010, 04:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

Why should you?

He isn't truly remorseful and shows no genuine contrition. Why should you do all the emotional heavy lifting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsInPain View Post
I've read dozens of books, websites, articles... etc. I've been given some REALLY good advice on how to pick up the pieces and move onward with my life after the As and multitude of lies.

But I just don't do any of it. I don't know why. It all sounds like great advice. But I just can't bring myself to do it. Argh!

Does this happen to you? Why do you think this is?
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Old 02-21-2010, 06:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

I have read countless websites, but never purchased a book. My W had an EA, but has not saught any outside help or resources. She lacks the motivation to try to save the marriage and just wants to keep what has became the status quo (roomates who happen to have 2 kids and a mortgage). I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to challenge it, but she somehow finds a way to deflect EVERYTHING - anyone have a book geared towards this situation that they would recommend?
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Old 02-22-2010, 12:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

MrsInPain, don't confuse his lack of reading the books with not caring. It seems the one cheated on is the one who most often busy/reads these books, articles, etc. Our case is exactly like that. There is no way I could accuse him of not trying or caring to put it back together. But he has yet to read any of it. From time to time, I mention things I read and he always says "print that for me" but he won't go finding it. I think its their coping mechanism since likely he is ashamed. But what other things does he do to help you get through this?

You have to decide #1 is he worth it, do you love him enough to make this work? #2 is he genuinely sorry for what he did and not likely to do it again? #3 if he is then he needs to be completely transparent with you, answer your questions and never ever say "can't you just get over it?" If this is the case, then you may be able to save this. But you are right if it ever happens again, get out girl! You deserve better.

You do sound like a strong and confidant person and that will get you through this. I know what you mean about your BF, I had let my friends drift but during our reconciliation I got closer to them. Unfortunately, it backfired, I should have chosen my friends more wisely. Seems they were interested in gossiping behind my back.

In our case I think the prognosis is good. I've recently come through a very dark period (and there will be some) but he remains supportive no matter what. I figure if we can get through it, many others can too. He cheated for several months, considered leaving me, was mentally abusive, and even flaunted her in front of me. He's not that same person anymore, this was big in my decision to try and make this work.

So how your H is acting, is a big factor in all of this, but he might not read the articles and books but if he is supportive then you have a good chance of pulling through.
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Old 02-26-2010, 10:31 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

Mrs....I've gotta say, this site helped me with my marital issues. Just knowing that somebody else had been in my shoes and feeling similar emotions was a huge help. If you haven't been there emotionally, it's difficult to describe. I felt isolated...like I had failed as a husband when I found out of my wife's EA and possible PA. I had a very bad attitude about marriage in general. Just know that there are trustworthy people out there who can tell their story is huge. Keep working! I wish you well.
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Old 03-01-2010, 10:55 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does anyone else here run into this problem?

My wife and I have both had EA's... we are trying to recover, but it's not going very well... more on her part with anger/resentment than me.

We have bought many books, etc... some great advice, etc... and we have both read some of the books, more so me than her... but we also have issues implementing the things we learned...

it seems like we are stuck on knowing what/how to do things. I don't know if it's laziness, or fear, overwhelmed or just unsure of what to do.

Yesterday, I got tired of waiting for something to happen, so I tried to implement some of the things I have learned with my owne thoughts and made a list 3 pages long on things I thought we needed to do to fix our marriage, and things I felt like I thought I wanted/expected out of our Marriage. I encouraged her to do the same things... well, she was thankful, but also very resentful/sad because she felt like she had done this before and fell on deaf ears with me... so who knows if she will reciprocate.

anyway, I guess what I'm saying is I feel that we REALLY have to work at this and take action. I am ready to make a schedule and chart of these things so we have some structure and direction to go.

I don't know if it will work, but I think I realized that reading every book in the world won't fix things, you have to really make the effort and find a way to apply those things to your situation. It also depends on where you are both at, and really have to both be committed to do it. I think my wife is so drained at this point, she just doesn't have the strength to do it. I am getting there too, but I am committed to keep trying.

Good luck
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