Wife was having online affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-25-2010, 01:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife was having online affair

Hello all

Back in the middle of December, I found out my wife had been talking to some man she knew from school on Facebook. They had been texting and phoning each other constantly for four weeks and had met once for coffee, with a 2nd meeting scuppered once I`d found out.

She had lied about it once confronted, she carried her phone with her everywhere, she kept clicking off Facebook everytime I walked past.

She was staying up later than usual to do her College Assignment,my wife likes her sleep and rarely stops up after me.

She disguised the mans name as a womans in her phone, I asked her outright as she had previously told me she wasn`t in love with me anymore, her feelings had changed.

I asked if there was anyone else but she said she didn`t have the time to be doing anything like that!

This was the most stressful and upsetting time I have ever experienced. I couldn`t sleep, didn`t eat, lost weight, put my job at risk.

My wife at first said it was attention as I didn`t give her any, she was flattered by the attention. We had got to a stage where we were stuck in a rut, hardly talking, no affection etc!
When I initially asked her to stop contacting him, she said she didn`t want to, she liked him. Eventually because I wanted her to, she stopped all contact. She told me she made a choice to work at our marriage over a friendship, only because I found out, I replied.

She was interested in this man, I asked if she fancied him etc, no she replied, just an interesting person, a friendship.

Weeks later after struggling through this, I would get depressed and upset, she would roll her eyes and huff and puff. I kept bringing up what had happened, she would say I was giving her all this hassle and grief over a friendship.

I have never been a possessive person in the slightest, I said to my wife if it was just a friendship, why did she hide and lie about everything rather than tell me she was in touch with an old school friend.

Two months later, we are getting on great, my wife is apologetic, hates the fact that I`ve been so upset, we are very loving, like we used to be.

I have told my wife it is difficult to forget, I have quiet days but am certainly better than I was.

What bothers me slightly is whether I can completely believe my wife, she tells me there is no contact and there hasn`t been for a while. He kept sending her messages on Facebook but she wouldn`t reply, I couldn`t understand why he would be sending messages, asking how she was etc after she had text him asking him to leave it so she could get on with her marriage.

I love my wife, if it had been the other way round, my wife says she would have left, she is quite a jealous person, I`ve been very understanding of the situation, I can see how she may have got into a situation on Facebook, still hurts very much though.
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Old 02-27-2010, 01:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife was having online affair

You do need to find out for sure... And then you need to digest what has happened. And then you need to be thankful for what you have - a marriage to a wife you love. If you love your wife you can forgive... And the marriage will take work, and change from both of you. But this might be a great wake up call for both of you. Use it... As for the pain - it sucks - plain and simple - but it does get better. Hang in there and best of luck. Facebook - what a terrific invention
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Old 02-28-2010, 05:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Banff View Post
You do need to find out for sure... And then you need to digest what has happened. And then you need to be thankful for what you have - a marriage to a wife you love. If you love your wife you can forgive... And the marriage will take work, and change from both of you. But this might be a great wake up call for both of you. Use it... As for the pain - it sucks - plain and simple - but it does get better. Hang in there and best of luck. Facebook - what a terrific invention
Thanks for the reply, probably is a wake up call, woke up this morning feeling down, keep having these days.

Sometimes I look at my wife and feel anger and bitterness towards her.

Facebook is a nightmare, can`t blame that though, she could have got over friendly with someone at work etc.

What worries me a little is my wife cheated on her ex husband twice, we kind of got together when she was still was with him, could call it three times.
I`ve since found out that she was talking to another man on Facebook from August to November and they were texting/phoning each other, she was also sending him picture messages which is troubling me when I think about it (she says they were just pics of her/me the kids etc - nothing naughty like I thought they may be!) This man happened to be one of the men she cheated on her ex husband with.

Also found out she joined a naughty online dating agency, she denied she joined but I accessed her email, found her username and password and went into the site. All her details were in there and her mobile number which shocked me. She said she had no idea how that was in there etc, all lies.

I`m getting annoyed now, I`m typing all this with my wife sitting five feet away.
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Old 02-28-2010, 05:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Sadman, I think you should try to focus on the good feelings between you and your wife. It sounds like you're both happy now. I believe that when we're in tune with our spouses we can rely on our instincts a lot more. My H was unfaithful for two years . He stopped cheating before I found out and I can pinpoint when he decided to get back in the marriage because his attitude towards me changed drastically. We barely tolerated each other for such a long time before and during his infidelity, but since we've reconciled I can see the change in his eyes, hear it in his voice, and feel it in his touch- we're in love again. I still have days when I hurt and feel sorry for myself, but I remind myself that I contributed to the problems in our marriage and the here and now is what matters most.Banff is right- think of what happened as a wake up call. Best wishes!
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Old 02-28-2010, 09:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for the reply, probably is a wake up call, woke up this morning feeling down, keep having these days.

Sometimes I look at my wife and feel anger and bitterness towards her.

Facebook is a nightmare, can`t blame that though, she could have got over friendly with someone at work etc.

What worries me a little is my wife cheated on her ex husband twice, we kind of got together when she was still was with him, could call it three times.
I`ve since found out that she was talking to another man on Facebook from August to November and they were texting/phoning each other, she was also sending him picture messages which is troubling me when I think about it (she says they were just pics of her/me the kids etc - nothing naughty like I thought they may be!) This man happened to be one of the men she cheated on her ex husband with.

Also found out she joined a naughty online dating agency, she denied she joined but I accessed her email, found her username and password and went into the site. All her details were in there and her mobile number which shocked me. She said she had no idea how that was in there etc, all lies.

I`m getting annoyed now, I`m typing all this with my wife sitting five feet away.
Now your story makes sense. I talk to a ex regularly, but our conversations go like this "Took the kids to a movie it was fun" then with a little .02 about the movie or "Wow, it's cold snow sucks!!"

Nothing even remotely sexual or flirtatious. We did talk about the past on one occassion for some closure and that's it. We're both happily married etc.

So, I questions why you were freaking out. Now it makes sense she cheated before quasi with you, so now you are scared of a repeat then she said she didn't love you.

Good luck hope it works out......just remember people can talk and be friends without wanting or having a affair. This site seems to think everybody is out to cheat and that is just not the case.

Good luck!!
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Old 02-28-2010, 12:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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SadMan,

I may not help a lot, but you are not alone in your grief.
7 months ago, Aug 09, I got my affair wake up call when
my wife's affairs (6 years 3 men) were exposed. Her affairs
were pretty typical, boss, old boy friends. Yep, the facebook
chat and emailing. How familiar does this sound... I felt
unappreciated and that you just didn't care anymore. She
fell for the that same flattery stuff. I call it what it is...
Childish, Selfish, Dis-respectful, Deceitful, Dangerous,
Careless, Wrong, PERIOD.

The point I am trying to make is that you are never going to
get "over" this with lies and half-truths. You must know how
bad is bad. If your wife is truly sorry and thru with her
affair, she must come clean and change her ways. Open email,
no Facebook, disclosure in short.

Now here is the a truth that you don't want to hear. You have
been avoiding it but you know better...

There has been a lot more going on than meeting for coffee.
Trust me it is always worse than what your wife will at first
admit to. The truth is out there.
I would say that meeting for a coffee is as far as they got, when I found out about the texting etc, she text this man to say I had found out, all he said was, found out what, that we met for a coffee.

She won`t let me have password to Facebook etc, she will let me have a look when she`s on it but no more than that!

I`ve got a good way of calling peoples bluff, I`ve done it with my wife a few times, she lied but I`ve got a good memory, certain things come up now and then.

I probably need to move on but I deserve better than having this done to me.
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Old 02-28-2010, 12:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by OhGeesh View Post
Now your story makes sense. I talk to a ex regularly, but our conversations go like this "Took the kids to a movie it was fun" then with a little .02 about the movie or "Wow, it's cold snow sucks!!"

Nothing even remotely sexual or flirtatious. We did talk about the past on one occassion for some closure and that's it. We're both happily married etc.

So, I questions why you were freaking out. Now it makes sense she cheated before quasi with you, so now you are scared of a repeat then she said she didn't love you.

Good luck hope it works out......just remember people can talk and be friends without wanting or having a affair. This site seems to think everybody is out to cheat and that is just not the case.

Good luck!!
Thanks for replying, personally don`t think my wife should be texting and phoning an ex, especially at midnight from our bed, if it was nothing she wouldn`t of been doing it on the quiet and sneaky.

My wife kept saying they were only talking about what you said etc, then a little later, she said it was flirting etc.
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Old 02-28-2010, 01:32 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks for replying, personally don`t think my wife should be texting and phoning an ex, especially at midnight from our bed, if it was nothing she wouldn`t of been doing it on the quiet and sneaky.

My wife kept saying they were only talking about what you said etc, then a little later, she said it was flirting etc.
I'm not sticking up for her I should have been more thorough. A occassional email I can see a update with you included the kids etc. Meeting for coffee? Talking on the phone more than once? Yeah, I can't condone that and agree that you shouldn't either.
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Old 03-01-2010, 11:02 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm not sticking up for her I should have been more thorough. A occassional email I can see a update with you included the kids etc. Meeting for coffee? Talking on the phone more than once? Yeah, I can't condone that and agree that you shouldn't either.
My wife has been in floods of tears today, she is now really worried that she has ruined our marriage, I`ve never seen her so upset, it breaks my heart.
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Old 03-01-2010, 02:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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There has been a lot more going on than meeting for coffee.
Trust me it is always worse than what your wife will at first
admit to. The truth is out there.
Sadly, I agree, or at least experience has taught me this. In my case it went from "I don't know if I love you anymore, but no there's no one else" to there was someone else, to it had been a year long affair, to now over the last 2 1/2 or 3 years there have been 2 separate year long affairs.

In my case I can't quite give much advice as we are still working through it, and seeing if we can salvage our marriage. It is very difficult though.
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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A mascara and snot running mess is exactly what you want. She needs to be afraid. It is proof that she is finally giving her treachery the weight it deserves. That is encouraging news.
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Old 03-02-2010, 12:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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My wife is still very upset, she is constantly telling me she is afraid of losing me, that she has made a terrible mistake.

She is worried she has now ruined the best thing that has ever happened to her.

This afternoon, she told me that she was finding it difficult to look at me, very embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted with herself.

I asked her last night about her passwords to Facebook and emails, she gave them all to me, no issue whatsoever.

She admits she was sucked in too easily, really thought we had had grown irreversibly apart, admits that the blokes were probably looking for a leg over. It was all about attention, no more than that, nothing would of developed from these "friendships".

Probably a strange thing to say but I feel better now that my wife has finally shown a lot of remorse, she is very attentive and genuinely worried that I won`t want her, she can`t understand how I`m so laid back about it all while she is so upset.
I told her that I`m all cried out, nothing left.

I think we will be okay as long as she is completely honest and no more secrets, I did say I am trying to believe her but some things I`m struggling with.
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Old 03-15-2010, 01:24 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Just an update on where we are, we are getting on very well most days, lots of love and affection, sitting on the sofa, cuddling a lot, never did that before.

What concerns me a little is that every once in a while, she will come out with something like she`s constantly walking on egg shells around me. She deleted all the men off her Facebook account, no one of interest but it saved any aggro. She doesn`t go on there very much anymore as I can`t then hold it against her.

It seems when she gets stressed, she throws things at me.

I said only yesterday that I`m the one that`s been hurt and am trying to forget and not have to think about what`s gone on but she said she`s waiting for me to bring things up or start snooping again. I`ve stressed to her that I don`t think too negatively at the moment and certainly don`t feel the need to snoop, she sets me off with this kind of talk.

My good friend from work thinks she is still in some way or other contacting this bloke (I don`t) and that things will always be up and down for me and my wife, she tells me to get out as I can do better.
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Old 03-16-2010, 01:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Tell her you want her to take a polygraph, and then you will truly put everything behind you.
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Old 03-21-2010, 02:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Have you tried a marriage retreat? Or read any of the many good relationship books? Counseling? Work it. Its tough, but no one said this would be easy. Also give yourself some time. Good luck.
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